However, despite being an educated individual with a doctorate level background, I had NO idea how perfect things needed to be to get pregnant. For the first 6 months, I did not realize that you had only about a day and a half window to be "successful" and that knowing when that window would occur required careful planning and possibly peeing on sticks. At first we just said, "if it happens, it happens." But after 6 months of nothing, I decided to read up on getting pregnant. I really didn't think it was rocket science, but after learning of the fertility window, I realized that all 6 months we had been totally oblivious and missed our window completely each time. That takes talent.
After learning that it might take us a year to get pregnant at my "advanced maternal age" (screw whoever came up with that term - I got a doctorate and a career first, so they get to call me old) versus those poor teenagers who can get pregnant by being breathed on..., I began to take a research-based approach to this task. After all, I graduated from Yale, was always an over-achiever and had always gotten everything I went after with enough effort. Needless to say, it didn't work that way. There is absolutely nothing romantic about peeing on a stick, screaming for your partner to get ready, being completely focused on the end result of getting pregnant, then laying in weird positions for lengthy periods of time to hopefully encourage something to take hold. After another 6 months, Mike and I were exhausted. Each month made sex a job with no payoff. Every month I would be so disappointed that I wasn't pregnant. I tried to make myself feel better by rewarding myself with a glass of wine or a daiquiri, but really, I was crushed. I wanted so much to have a baby at that point and the fact that it wasn't happening in my time made it so frustrating. It was so hard not to be hurt seeing people who were pregnant, going to baby showers, talking to people about their babies, etc. Even seeing pregnancy on television was so difficult. The only show I could watch and still feel good about myself was 16 and pregnant - a guilty pleasure. And it was absolutely brutal to hear people say "I just got pregnant our first time trying!" Seriously?!? I'm so happy for you and your perfect ovaries! It was very easy to be bitter during this time.
One of my friends, Jess, recommended fertility yoga at Mother's Embrace Yoga in Shelton and I started going. The first night was amazing. While doing yoga, Linda led us in a discussion of what we were experiencing. All of the things that I had been keeping bottled up inside I could talk about with these women. But it wasn't crying and bemoaning our imperfect fertility. It was releasing our negative emotions and restoring hope. At the end of the yoga, she had us lay down, connect to those spirit children out there in the universe and tell them that we were ready for them. I cried. And each yoga session after that taught me to be more relaxed about getting pregnant. Before this, I had an app (Yes, there's an app for that), ovulation sticks, a routine and specific expectations. I still kept the planning, but gave up the control of it - realizing that the harder I tried to become pregnant, the more it would escape me due to being stressed and completely non-relaxed and non-receptive.
Then in June 2011, I got my first positive pregnancy test after being a week late with my period. Another test confirmed I was pregnant, but the line in the test was really dim - everyone said that didn't matter - a positive test was a positive test. Mike and I were elated. It was right before my birthday and we celebrated with my friends that I had finally become pregnant. But I felt something was wrong almost immediately. When I did a reading for myself (shaman stuff), I got a clear message that I needed to relax, not force it and realize that this would happen for me in time. As nice as my spirit guides may have been trying to be in that message, I freaked out. I took another pregnancy test and this time it came up negative. Another one, negative. Another one, negative. No period, but after going into my OB for a blood test, I started spotting that day. The OB called me the next day to tell me that I had what was called a chemical pregnancy. Basically a fertilized egg that "failed to implant" in the uterine wall. I was beyond crushed. Everyone told me how sorry they were, but only Mike's grandmother could actually make me feel better. She said to me, "I know how you feel - it took me three years to have my son. It will happen for you." She is such a strong, maternal figure in her family that to know she struggled made me feel better. After mourning the loss with Mike for a few weeks, I took stock of my life at the moment. I realized that just like every other bad experience in my life, I needed to make something positive out of it. In early July, I planned to be with my best friend Jess when she had her baby in the hospital. And I realized that this didn't make me feel bad, jealous or anxious in the least. I wanted to be there for her and I desperately wanted to meet little Taryn. I accepted that it wasn't time for me. It was time for my friend and I wanted to experience that with her.
I went back to fertility yoga, renewed that I could not control getting pregnant. But I could enjoy every moment of getting pregnant and the moments that I was in now. Once I got pregnant, there would be morning sickness, anxiety and labor... Once I had the baby, there would be sleepless nights, anxiety and more responsibility. I realized that no matter where we are in life, we always seem to be looking forward. I decided to stop looking forward and just be in the present. I had an amazing husband, family, friends, pets, job, students, peers and life, in general. Maybe I wasn't ready yet for my baby, but I trusted that when I was, he or she would come.
At the one-year mark of attempting to get pregnant (now that we knew what we were doing), in November, I made an appointment to visit a fertility doctor. We scheduled it in mid-December. I had resorted myself that maybe there was something "wrong" with our fertility, but we would find out soon, so I didn't have to worry. I took an ovulation test that month, just for the heck of it, on the day I typically ovulate and when it was positive, I looked at Mike and said - "Want to?" We both decided "to", but not to get pregnant. It was the furthest thing from our minds as we just thought that we would have the appointment and find out what was going on then. We went on with our lives and really didn't give it a second thought.
After being exhausted and having a low-grade fever for a week, I stayed at home from work and tried to relax. Sitting on the couch on December 5, 2011, I suddenly realized that I hadn't gotten my period and was over a week late. I forgot to check my app! I really thought that because I was sick, I must be making myself late. So I found the pregnancy tests way back in the cupboard and took one. I held it in my hand only to see that plus sign appear immediately. My eyes got big. Hmmm. I immediately took another one. Positive immediately with a BIG thick line. I texted the picture to my best friend Jess. She told me to go buy a digital test because they had a higher threshold to make sure. I downed an entire glass of water, ran to the drug store, ran back and took two more tests. Both positive. I sat down looking at the now FOUR tests. Rather than have doubts, be anxious or wonder what would happen, I cried out in joy. This was real and my intuition knew it. I called Mike on his lunch break and blurted it out. I said, "Hey, so I'm pregnant." He said, "What?!? Really?!?" I left out all four tests for him to see when he got home, called my mom and dad, and then went to work. I later got the blood test from my OB to confirm and see that the hormones were at the right level.
Awesome summary of our experience!
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