New Dads' Instruction Manual

So, as I have watched Mike worry and learn his new role as "daddy", I have begun thinking about how this life transition impacts men, particularly working fathers. It's pretty hard for new mothers to be sensitive and empathic to what dads are going through, since we, as moms, are going through so much. So I'm really writing this for both new dads and moms.

New Dads' Instruction Manual

Congratulations! You have become a new dad! Your life is about to become a whole lot more interesting. However, surviving this new gig intact (i.e., without your wife killing you) is trickier than you may think. This manual is not meant for all new dads, particularly not for stay at home dads, who actually may feel the need to give this manual to their wives rather than vice versa.

1. Hang onto your pants, mister. Your schedule is about to change.

Before Mike and I had Wilson, this was Mike's schedule:

Monday through Friday (September through June)
6:40 a.m.   Get up and Get ready for work
7:15 a.m.   Leave for work
7:45 a.m.   Arrive at work
12:00 p.m. Lunch break
1:00 p.m.   Back to work
3:00 p.m.   Head home
3:30 p.m.   Get home
3:30 to 10:30 FREE TIME
10:30 p.m.  Get ready for bed
11:00 p.m.  Sleep

Weekends and summers meant minus all of the work stuff out and add FREE TIME to all day. My husband had time to game endlessly, stay up late if he wished, eat out, play with his friends, go to the gym, basically do anything he wanted. This would be his schedule now:

4:00 a.m.   Get up and watch Wilson while I sleep for two hours
5:45 a.m.   Watch Wilson while I pump breastmilk7:00 a.m.   Finish getting ready for work
7:15 a.m.   Leave for work
7:45 a.m.   Arrive at work
12:00 p.m. Lunch break
1:00 p.m.   Back to work
3:00 p.m.   Head home
3:30 p.m.   Get home
3:30 p.m.  Change clothes, check email
3:45 p.m.  Watch Wilson while I pump breastmilk
5:00 p.m.   Watch Wilson while I make dinner
6:00 p.m.   Take turns watching Wilson while we eat and do basic tasks, like washing dishes, feeding our dogs, going to the bathroom
6:30 p.m.   Help give Wilson a bath, lotion him up, put him in his pj's and start to give him his evening bottle, then hand him off to me for sleep
8:30 p.m.   Sleep
Weekends and summers will now transfer from free to time to taking turns watching Wilson. Only recently has Mike been able to game and have much extended time at all to himself.

This blows. And there is nothing you can do about it unless you want to get divorced. Because the moment you refuse to take turns or help at all at night is the moment your wife/gf is going to smack you silly, hate you silently and/or curse your very existence.

2. Never complain about number 1.

You might think that since your life has changed oh so much, you could bitch about it a little. Au contraire. Because below is what your significant other's schedule probably looks like.

12:00 a.m.  Up with Baby, feed and put him back to sleep
2:00 a.m.   Up with Baby, feed and put him back to sleep
4:00 a.m.   Up with Baby, feed and put him back to sleep; then run upstairs to sleep for an hour and a half.
 5:45 a.m.   Get parts ready, pump breastmilk, prepare bottles, clean and store parts
7:00 a.m.   Take Wilson and give him another bottle, pray that he will sleep for a little while
7:00 a.m.-3:30 p.m. Hold Wilson CONSTANTLY while feeding, changing him, jiggling him, taking care of his every need. I can run for maybe 2 minutes to feed myself and go to the bathroom. Wilson won't sleep independently during the day, so if I want him to sleep, he has to sleep on me. This means I am literally tied to him and the couch.
3:45 p.m.   Get parts ready, pump breastmilk, prepare bottles, clean and store parts
5:00 p.m.   Make dinner for everyone
6:00 p.m.   Take turns watching Wilson while we eat and do basic tasks, like washing dishes, feeding our dogs, going to the bathroom
8:00 p.m.   Help give Wilson a bath
8:30 p.m.-9:00 p.m. Take a bath by myself and read a chapter in my book (this doesn't always happen because Wilson has .
9:00 p.m. Take Wilson and get him to bed.
10:00 p.m.  Get parts ready, pump breastmilk, prepare bottles, clean and store parts
9:00 p.m.-12:00 a.m. Work on my publications, research, email. Get up periodically with the baby who is teething, needs snuggling, generally doesn't sleep.

Note the distinct lack of a break, free time, driving time alone, interactions with other adults, time to pee, and lack of sleep. Note that 3 times a day I use a mechanical device to pump milk from my body, which adds up to 3 hours a day. AND I am now back to work, so some of those daytime hours include going to work WHILE taking care of Wilson.

3. In fact, just never complain.

Saying things like, "Well at least you get to stay home," "Didn't you have time for [ANYTHING] today?" "What do you do all day?" "At least you don't have to go to work." "Why don't you have time to eat?" "I am soooooo tired." "Sigh, why do you always have to have me do [WHATEVER TASK TAKES A HALF HOUR OF YOUR DAY TO DO]?" will result in immediate hatred and imaginary punching of your face. Any other job that required you to work all but a half hour a day, get no breaks and be in direct servitude to others is called slavery and would be a huge OSHA violation. So even given your stressful job, you still get breaks and are allowed to pee. When you complain about lack of sleep and don't ever get up with the baby, women see red. Your partner is making HUGE sacrifices for you and your child. They often spend any free time they have researching on the best choices for their baby (parenting style, sleep training, formulas, etc.). Unlike men, women tend to be silent sufferers. They will not say to you that they are suffering, exhausted and feel like they are barely sane. When you complain about something as a working non-primary caregiver parent, even if your complaint is valid, it stings like a stupid freaking bee. Don't question the logic, just accept that this is where your partner is coming from.

4. The baby will not respond to you like he/she responds to your partner.

New moms have hormones and a natural connection to their infant. If they are a stay at home mom as well, they also have LOTS of practice learning what your child needs/wants. They are in a groove. It often feels like as a dad, you just don't fit with your new infant. They squirm because you don't hold them in the exact right way that they want. You don't smell like yummy milk or have pillowy breasts to lay their head on. Mommies know when their babies want to play, what gets them to calm down and what the babies' schedules are without skipping a beat. You don't. It's ok. Don't expect to. You didn't carry them for 10 months or pass them out of your body through an inconvenient orifice. You don't feed and nourish them from your boobies. Your body isn't coursing with hormones which make you a hot mess, but also make you nurture and bond to this little guy or girl. You don't spend every waking moment taking care of their needs. And believe me, you probably don't want any of that. Accept that the baby is bonded more with his or her mommy and accept that in a few years, you will be cooler than cool to your child. At least until adolescence.

5. Say goodbye to the sex, at least for awhile.

After watching the birth, you may not be so eager to jump back into bed with your wife, but make no mistake, she is less eager. The trauma of birth, the hormones from breastfeeding, the lack of sleep and the general exhaustion makes sex look less interesting than dental work. Sorry. It's not your fault. It will get better. Give it time.

6. Your partner is forever changed. She's a mommy now. Beware.

You married (or bonded with) a beautiful, vivacious, exciting woman. She wasn't a nag; she let you have your space and she was the coolest chick you ever met. Then you had the baby. Now she's -- um, a bit different. Between the hormones, lack of sleep, loss of her body as she knew it, identity crisis and being constantly covered in breastmilk, spitup and poop, she's no longer cool. She'll get her groove back, but be patient. Roll with the nagging and mood swings. And make sure you tell her how beautiful she still is and how much you love her even more now.

7. Remember the things that will get you far in your relationship.

As a man, woman often seem illogical, unrealistic and just simply hard to understand. Sometimes you just don't know what to say to make it better for her. No more excuses; pick from the following list!

• I am so thankful for all the sacrifices you are making for our baby. 
• You rock!
• I see how hard it is to breastfeed. I know I can't help with it directly, but I want to do something to help, so I'm going to rub your back/feet/ wash the dishes/ burp the baby.
• You are an amazing mom and we are so lucky to have you in our lives!
• I know you worry about breastfeeding/formula/time spent with the baby/ other assorted issues, but no matter what happens, you are the best mom.
• I am so grateful that you get up with the baby at night. I know how hard it is and I really appreciate you making that sacrifice for me.
• Let me take the baby so you can go take a nap. (NOT Do you want me to take the baby? to which she will respond no because it makes her feel as if she is incompetent as a mother)

Add your own and recycle these. Mike has used all of these with me (without my writing them down and prompting!!) and I can tell you that hearing those words make a WORLD of difference to my self esteem, confidence and resiliency to keep going. And in turn, it makes your life better as well.

8. Expect to have a bit of postpartum depression.

People talk about this issue for women, but what you may not know is that it is very normal for fathers as well. The more you hold your infant, the lower your testosterone will be, creating a hormonal difference for men. Combined with your change in identity and loss of freedom, as well as that cool chick of a partner you had, and guess what, you have the baby blues as well. Get help and talk about it or it can get worse.

9. You need to be hands on.

HELP YOUR PARTNER. Do not let her be the only one who cares for the baby. Sometimes that means staying up at night, getting up early to let her sleep, changing diapers and putting teething gel on your baby's swollen gums. You may reminisce or dream of the days where men were just providers and not caregivers (the 50s and 60s), but stop. You are in a different generation as is your wife/gf. She has much more expectations (including a career) than women did in the 50s and 60s as well. So suck it up, you're not your grandfather and jiggle that baby.

10. Get HELP.

Take advantage of help from family and friends. Fully embrace your role as a big papa and hang out with other fathers. You can bitch about your new lives and enjoy your babies together at the same time! Bonus.

11. Control your stress levels.

You will be stressed out! Completely, utterly, stressed out. You will have limited leave, tons of parental responsibility, lack of sleep, financial strain, anxiety, lack of sex, depression, less time with your partner and less time for yourself. STRESSED. Take time for yourself when you can, be open and communicative with your partner and get help for yourself. We all do crappy things when we are stressed, so if you don't take care of it, you will find yourself taking it out on your new baby and your partner. To be the best partner and man, you have to admit when you need help and when you need to take a moment to calm yourself. Believe me, we will still find you attractive. Sexier even if you order dinner, rub our shoulders and tell us that we are a good mom. Seriously. Aphrodisiac to us.

12. You will ultimately, unequivocally, completely fall in love with your baby.

As horrible as I made all of this sound, you will be in love with this child. He or she is the most amazing thing you have ever laid eyes on and is a beautiful combination of you and your partner. They may not always have the best parts of you (like your temperament, sleeping style or ability to handle transitions -- ahem, I look at you, Mike), but they do have some of them (like your eyes, ability to see details, physical ability and already a great sense of humor - also due to Mike). They make you learn what life is all about, make you grow up, make you less selfish, make you love the little things and make you happy that you are leaving a part of you behind when you are done on this earth. The lows may be more low than you have ever experienced before, but the highs will touch the sky. Enjoy.