Breastfeeding, Part...Whatever.

So, it's been awhile since I last wrote about the beauty (ha!) of breastfeeding. If you haven't read my other posts on the topic, you can do so here, here, and here. If you don't feel like reading it, let me give you the short version: Wilson doesn't latch, my best friend is my breast pump, nothing worked out as I hoped/planned, this image below is what I have sought to attain and have learned that, at least in our case, it's stupid, evil lies. Well, since that sounds a little harsh, let me explain.

So, the picture above of the peaceful, calm mom lovingly and easily breastfeeding her baby not only didn't turn out that way for us (or lots of other moms I know), it sort of makes me want to punch her. Not for successfully breastfeeding her baby, but for selling me the dream, since my experience hasn't been even close. To recap, here has been my experience with the beautiful experience of breastfeeding:

1. Wilson latching easily right after he was born, but only for a few seconds.
2. Wilson not latching at all for 2 days. That didn't stop several nurses from grabbing my boob and his head and feverishly trying to smash them together like they were velcro. Surprise: didn't work!
3. Wilson refusing to latch and screaming at my boobs when he saw them like they were going to eat him. Second surprise: The nurses traumatized my son trying to breastfeed so much that he was now afraid of boobs. Awesome!
4. I pumped with minimal luck. I tried to hand-express and even allowed my doula to attempt it (awkward, but I was desperate). Nothing. Tears follow.
5. Surprise! Milk came in! PAIN ensues. Pump flanges wrong size. Cried hysterically until Mike ran to get the correct size flanges and then I pumped for "reals yo". A LOT of milk, but not enough to meet my son's voracious appetite.
6. In order to get my production up, I pumped every 2 hours around the clock. Thank goodness for my mother who came to help with my high-needs baby-cakes. Got lots of milk and built up a freezer milk horde of which I was intensely proud. Went down to pumping 3 times a day. Liveable.
7. I wish I could draw to really give you an idea of how "beautiful" our breastfeeding sessions/attempts looked like. But I can't draw a stick figure, so you'll just have to picture this instead: a sleep deprived, barely showered, half-alert woman trying to focus her own calm and relaxation so as to encourage her son to breastfeed. He, looks suspicious and uninterested, sometimes latching - only to make a disgusted face and stop. Other times, he pokes his nose at my nipple and slaps my boob. Awesome. Good thing my self-esteem is not tied up in the success of breastfeeding...
8. Then I learned about nipple blood blisters and mastitis and the PAIN of pumping with clogged ducts and a breast infection. Now understand why I want to punch that picture above?

So, now you find me at 7 months into this and it's not gotten any more beautiful. What's happened since then you ask?

1. Wilson decided to go on a milk binge for his 4 month growth spurt and had 40 ounces of milk for 5 days (and still had an increased need for another 4 days). Do the math. Since I was only making 24 ounces a day, he made a huge dent in my beautiful freezer stash. At 6 months, he drank 56 ounces of milk for 4 days (and had an increased need for another 5 days). Freezer stash gone. I cried when I poured the last bag into his bottle. It was like saying goodbye to a friend knowing they will never return. Tears.
2. After your menstrual cycle returns, you suddenly PLUMMET in your supply. I went from pumping 24 ounces a day to 8 ounces a day. The need to supplement with formula was real and ego-crushing. Sobs.
3. I tried "power-pumping" to increase my supply. It's basically sitting attached to the pump for a few hours and for every 10 minutes of rest, you pump for 5 minutes. It does increase your supply, but it can also hurt and turn your nipple purple. So beautiful. 
4. I got mastitis again! Yay for me! I also found out what a milk blister was (different from a blood blister), as well as a sight I wish I could burn from my retinas of pumping blood instead of milk. Bet that is never on any pamphlets or pretty pictures from breastfeeding organizations! "Benefits to mother: lowers incidence of breast-cancer, self-esteem and ego! Increases bonding to your infant and bleeding out of your nipples." What a sell.
5. Wilson had a reaction to milk-based formula and is not great even on low-lactose formula so in addition to pumping still, we make our own goat-milk based formula. Yes, we are those people.
6. Our last attempt at breastfeeding started with Wilson making a face like the picture below (not kidding), while trying to pinch my nipple, scratch it and then bite it because he was teething. Needless to say, that was our last attempt at breastfeeding.   

But, am I ready to give up? No, I'm actually not. I'm not sure we will ever breastfeed (or even if I want to at this point), but I have seen how breastmilk has kept him healthy, healed his minor cuts and even helped his eczema. So, I'm going to keep pumping, even if I only get down to a few ounces a day, I think it's better than nothing. Maybe I just don't want to give up on the dream. I know it's attainable for some people. Maybe it's just not for Wilson and me. Maybe I'll have to have another baby to really truly experience the true and complete beauty of breastfeeding. Don't mention that comment to my husband; he may go on a permanent celibacy strike to protest...