Sleep Shmeep

So it's 6:30 p.m. here and I just put my infant down to sleep. And now I'm going to pray to God, Buddha, my ancestors, whoever else who may be listening that he sleeps for longer than 2 hours. It has now been officially 2 1/2 months since Wilson hit something I never heard of before, but now could write a novel on: sleep regression. I hate its stupid guts, if indeed it has any. But, let me begin with this sleep tale at the beginning.

Before Wilson was born, I always had problems with sleep. I have had chronic insomnia (issues with falling asleep) since I was little. Over the years, I learned to shut off my mind by playing little movies in my head, but more times than not - it would always take me hours to fall asleep. When I was pregnant and in my first trimester suddenly it seemed like I was cured of this insomnia. I could fall asleep sitting up, standing up or throwing up. In my third semester, the insomnia came back, but it was more because I felt larger than the Titanic and had heartburn that made me want to scratch Mike's eyes out as he laid in bed and slept peacefully.

After Wilson was born, it was clear my sleep wasn't going to improve. He was a horrible sleeper from the time he was born. For the first month and a half, he slept no more than an hour at a time - if we were lucky he would sleep for an hour and a half, sitting up in his nap nanny chair (the recalled death trap that got us through the first three months with thankfully, no incident). We co-slept a lot, but he's a noisy sleeper and not always comfortable co-sleeping. So, we kept him in his pack and play and I slept in the living room on the couch getting up with him EVERY HOUR or so. After being so exhausted I couldn't take it anymore, I tried putting him on his stomach to sleep. And he slept for 3 hours right then and there. I was petrified, but since he had head control, was low on the risk factors for SIDS and my mother had reassured me several times that I had, in fact, survived not sleeping on my back, I slowly felt more comfortable leaving him to sleep on his stomach, eventually even at night. He slowly improved each night, until he was only getting up once a night by the 3 month mark. I was thrilled. I could TASTE a full night's sleep it seemed like it was so close. I moved him into his nursery and he began sleeping peacefully in his crib, only awakening at 2 a.m. or so for a small feeding. And then it happened. The bitch known as sleep regression.

So before 4 months, babies do not have any real sleep patterns and have more deep sleep than adults. But at 4 months, they start having cycles, which include light sleep. If they have required or are used to falling asleep with rocking, feeding etc., they may arouse and cry - needing your help to fall back to sleep. I realized that Wilson had a difficult temperament, meaning that he has issues regulating EVERYTHING, but I was in no way prepared for what happened next. He went from getting up one time to getting up every 1 to 2 hours again. I would put him down at 8 p.m. and get up at 10, 12, 2, 3, 4, 5 and then up for good at 6 a.m. AND sometimes he would wake up as soon as I would set him down in the crib, meaning every night, he would be up for at least 2 hours during one of those awakenings (usually from 12 to 2). So we went back to the cosleeping bassinet. Then the pack and play with me on the couch. Nothing worked. And he slept this way from 4 months to 6 months exactly. I kind of wanted to die.

Then, we went to see the Baby Sleep Whisperer for a workshop at Mother's Embrace Yoga (thank you Linda!). She was really great and gave us some wonderful tips. First, we looked at the nutrition he was getting and realized that he needed to get much more during the day. As a rough estimate, babies need the equivalent of 2 1/2 times their body weight in ounces. The real caloric intake is a bit different and much more precise. The real calculation is this: 1) Infant Weight in pounds divided by 2.2 = kg conversion. 2) multiply this number by 103 (if they are below 6 months) or 98 (if they are above 6 months) for caloric needs. So for Wilson who is 6 months old and 17 pounds, he needs roughly 757 calories a day. If he was exclusively on breastmilk, then he would need CALORIES NEEDED/ 21 or 757/21 = 36 ounces. When I just use the 2.5 formula - albeit MUCH easier, it looks like he needs 42.5, which is 6.5 more ounces than the real formula. Either way, between his food intake and milk intake, we were trying to work on getting him drinking more during the day. We also learned that if he was drinking only an ounce or two during the night, it was not for nutrition, but rather a sleep crutch.

Second, we had to do a better schedule for naps and night-time sleep. We instilled the following schedule and stuck to it: up at around 5-6 a.m., first nap was a co-sleep nap starting at 7:30 a.m., second nap at 11:30 on his own, last at 2:30 on his own, then bed at 6:00 p.m. I made the schedule to follow the sleep advice, along with what I observed were Wilson's own biorhythms. 

Finally, we kept a sound machine playing White Noise right next to him wherever he slept to signal that it was sleep time and to keep random noises from arousing him. 

Within the first day, he was doing great with his naps. And the more food we got into him during the day, the better he was at night. He usually got up at 10 p.m. and drank 6 ounces, however, he refused any more liquids or food during the day. He also would be very restless from 2 a.m. to 5 a.m. every night no matter what. 

We then tried our hand at some sleep training.  Because the research on cry it out indicates there are many large negative effects (some long-term), our one and only attempt at this in the car seat when we couldn't get to him right away ended with him losing his breath and turning purple, and the fact that it is the worst for infants with a difficult temperament, I decided to try a no-cry method - of calming the infant by holding him, then laying them back down to sleep. After a week of this, however, it was clear that Wilson's difficult temperament was no joke. The nights did NOT improve from the initial improvement and in fact, he was whinier and I spent every night AWAKE from 2 to 5 feeling like an idiot, trying to put him back down only to pick him right back up as he screamed bloody murder. I also felt like I was playing drums on his back since I was patting it so much to keep him calm. 

Since I know he can't manipulate me (he's too young for that), I eventually felt like I needed to listen to his communication. He's a crappy sleeper. He could win an award for it. He needs to eat once during the night at this point. Maybe in a few months, he won't need to, but for now, he still does. And from 2 to 5 a.m., he is uncomfortable and needs me. The next night, we co-slept in the same bed and he did amazing. Up once, then just needed some snuggling a few times in the wee hours and went right back to sleep. We enjoyed a whole 4 days of this.

Then 3 days ago, after drinking 4 ounces before bed, he woke up at 8 p.m. and was hungry. Hmmm, I thought. That's early. I put him back down and got into bed. He woke up at 10 p.m. and drank 6 more ounces. Hmm, that's strange I thought. Then he began squirming in bed. He rolled back and forth, kicking me in the kidneys several times. Then he rolled right up next to my back, threw his arm onto my back and began pinching and scratching me. "Wow, that's not conducive to sleep." I thought. And then he woke up wanting another 4 ounces. I called for Mike in a panic (who sleeps in the guest bedroom with his own sound machine so he can get some sleep before relieving me for an hour or two in the morning and then having to go to work all day) realizing that the 6 month growth spurt was now upon us.

So what does this mean for Mr. Wilson? Well, where some babies increase their intake and wake up a few times during the night, Wilson is again up every few hours and, I am not exaggerating here, drinks 42 ounces of breastmilk a day along with eating 12 ounces of baby food. Whereas most babies have a few days of a growth spurt, Wilson's usually last a week. Oh, and did I mention that he also has two teeth coming through his gums at the same time? Oh, and he has ezcema from allergic reactions to mango and a milk formula I tried to supplement him on - so he's itchy too.

So, I give the frack up. I'm not going to get sleep. I finally realize that it is very realistic that he may be over a year old before I get a full night's sleep. I'm so tired that when I went to teach this last weekend, some of my clothes were inside out. Unfortunately, I realized that fact while I was in front of the classroom. Thank god my students are forgiving. The lack of sleep has begun to affect my milk supply, my sanity and my marriage. Mike and I just held each other tonight and cried. And that's about as much affection as either of us is probably going to get for awhile since we go to bed at 7 p.m. in separate rooms and fill any spare moment with sleep, eating or maintaining proper hygiene. When other parents complain about a random hour awakening in the night, I want to stab them. When someone tells me that their child began sleeping through the night at a few months old, I wonder why the universe hates me so badly. But, I'm also not completely alone. I know of a few other parents who are going through this same thing. And a few parents who had children that didn't sleep through the night until well into their first year. 

So, what am I left with in my ponderings tonight? I still believe there is a reason that this little guy came to me. The universe must believe that Mike and I have the skills to survive this and help Wilson thrive. And hence has come my most recent, albeit sleep-hazed existential realization. There are those children that go to sleep through the night when they come home from the hospital and others who within the first few months begin sleeping through the night. They are not common, but they are at one end of a normal curve of sleep. And my little guy is at the other. It's not that he doesn't want to sleep or is trying to be difficult. He just has a really tough time regulating anything. He grows too fast, is teething too early, has problems regulating his emotions and is just all-around high needs. So, my realization has been this: nighttime parenting is no different than daytime parenting. Mike and have made it our goal to teach Wilson by modeling positive behavior, not just telling him what to do (and not following our own advice). We teach him responsiveness, kindness, compassion, gentleness and love by how we respond and behave towards him. And that includes the nighttime. If we let him cry when he is hungry or in pain, then I am defeating the purpose of being responsive during the day. But, just maybe, if we continue to be responsive now, even when we are exhausted ourselves, hold his little hand and hug him when he is having trouble sleeping, he will learn that no matter how you feel, you always are kind, loving and respectful to others, especially to your family.

And, I have to admit, even given the fact that Wilson is actively teething, having an allergic reaction and going through a growth spurt AT THE SAME TIME these last few days, he is amazing - full of smiles, gives us hugs and kisses and has been as independent as I've ever seen him. He occasionally needs to be held and reassured, but he doesn't really cry for no reason, nor is it hard to calm him down. He just eats like an elephant (over 50 ounces of breastmilk today with 12 ounces of food) and sleeps like he's on crack. And if I knew that before we were pregnant, would we still choose to have him? Absolutely - I wanted him for years and was heartbroken when I thought I would never meet him. So, tonight, as I hold his little hand in mine, kiss his little head while feeding hims his 5th bottle, I'll know that we are strong enough to survive this together.