Adventures in Breastfeeding, part deux

My life has continued to be a blur of diaper changes, feedings, sleeping and jiggling - Wilson is fond of the rock, rock, pat, pat, jiggle, jiggle, sshhhh, sshhhh method of calming. My mom came up to help while I had two extra weeks off from work to get breastfeeding "under control". Well, it's been a week and a half and some things are better, but I wouldn't qualify them as under control yet.

My little bundle of joy is a voracious eater. He eats more than any other baby I've ever heard of and his growth spurts are weeks long, not just a day or two, like they are supposed to be. An average "cluster feeding" day consists of little Wilson drinking a bottle, then me carefully getting him to sleep. I run to the bathroom, get a drink and something quick to eat and start to pump, followed by the inevitable interruption of Wilson waking up to eat more (he sleeps no more than a half an hour to 40 minutes on growth spurt days). Rinse and repeat for 24 hours. With my mother here, I've been able to pump uninterrupted and have built up my supply to about 35 ounces a day. This makes me feel happy, but also like a cow. A happy cow, if you will. With all this eating, Wilson has ended up in the 90th percentile for weight and 98th percentile for height.

Now, last I wrote, breastfeeding was more like a nightmare than a "natural," lovely experience. A few weeks later, things are improving, but it's good that I have the patience of Job. To recap, from birth Wilson went from latching for a minute -- to staring at my breasts with no idea what to do -- to crying hysterically when he saw boobs -- to tolerating boobs but having no interest in them -- to being interested but just mouthing it --to his most recent accomplishment: "the bad latch." He now looks like he really wants to latch and in fact, does...very poorly. So it feels, essentially, like a giant clamp is cutting your nipple off. I stopped him and tried to re-latch, but to no avail. His giant nipple-chomper mouth just doesn't want to open wide enough.

It's at this point that I completely understand people who give up on breastfeeding. Honestly, is it worth all the hassle?!? I've actually settled into the whole pumping thing and I think I can keep this up for quite awhile, so if actual breastfeeding doesn't happen, I believe I can do exclusive pumping. I really don't even care if we do formula, but as every recent mother knows, if you don't at least try breastfeeding, you are a horrible, negligent mother who doesn't care about your baby's health. At least that is what everyone makes you think, especially those that I like to call the "boob nazis" who look at you with contempt if you complain about a sore nipple or speak of supplementing with formula. 

But, as I think about the vast adventures I am having with breastfeeding, I realize that they aren't very different from my adventures getting pregnant, being pregnant and giving birth. They require understanding, patience, hope and trust. I understand that breastfeeding isn't totally natural, at least for modern American women. I also understand that my baby and my boobs don't seemingly match each other. I have the patience to learn this new skill and I have the patience to wait for Wilson to chomp his way through his learning as well. I have hope that my vision of nursing my son, while he quietly looks up at me and that feeling of love (and oxytocin) courses through me. And I trust that someday this will happen. I'm not giving up until it does! It may take until Wilson is 7, but I'm pretty sure he'll be able to follow instructions by then.