Tempering the Temperament...

Temperament. Something I learned extensively about as a developmental psychologist. The importance of which was something I talked about in my own classes to my graduate students. Something I eagerly awaited to evaluate in my own child.

You see, temperament is almost always inherited from the mother or father; it's innate and somewhat inflexible. Some temperaments are able to be altered, but most are only influenced by trauma and abuse. A child's temperament is very important to understand because it not only predicts what kind of personality the child will have, it helps you to understand the types of issues the child may face, as well as what style of parenting you will need to have with this particular child. Temperament is why parents of multiple children say "that totally worked with my first child, but not at all with my second." In a word, temperament is your child's 'constitution'.

I know a lot about it, so before Wilson, I evaluated both Mike and my temperament as children. Based on our parents' descriptions, I was an 'easy' baby and Mike was 'slow to warm'. 

An easy temperament baby is the one that everyone hopes will show up in their child. They are calm, flexible, easy-going babies. They love to be cuddled, but can be very happy for hours playing by themselves. As babies, these infants sleep well, eat well (unless there is a concurrent digestive issue) and their parents are likely to say "This baby stuff is hard, but it's do-able." Wilson had about a 45% chance of being an easy baby since I was, but alas, he is not.

Another form of an easy temperament baby is the "active" baby. They have the easy disposition, but can't sit still. As an infant, they develop physically very quickly and are constantly on the move. It is not uncommon for them to get into lots of mischief, be bored easily and be walking well before they are one year old. They can't sit still and they exhaust the crap out of their parents, but at least the kids are very happy while they do it. Parents of an active baby usually say things like, "This kid never stops!!!" Since neither Mike nor I had this temperament, Wilson had about a 5% chance of being active. But, thank goodness, he does not have active temperament. I'm way too old for to survive a child that can't sit still.

A slow-to-warm baby is basically a shy child. As an infant, they are slow to react to things: eating, sleeping, etc. They like to be cuddly with their parents and can be anxious when they can't see them. They use parents as the home base and need encouragement to try new situations and meet new people. Parents of the slow-to-warm baby say things like, "He's a little clingy..." Since Wilson was clearly not easy, I was holding out for this one. After all, he had a 45% chance of getting this one as well. But, nope. He was not.

The last main type of temperament is difficult. It's called that because this is the type that parents fear. Literally, the last possible type you would ever want. Babies that have a difficult temperament have a horrible time regulating ANYTHING. They don't easily regulate their senses, their sleep cycles, their eating, their emotions - so basically their whole lives. They cry over everything, need tons of constant soothing, cling to you like a suction cup, sleep like crap and eat irregularly. They are often comorbid with colic, but not all the time. Many parents think their children are difficult, until they actually meet a difficult child. There is no break, no end to the neediness of these little ones. Parents of difficult children usually say things like, "Do you want a child? Please, take mine!" Wilson had a 5% chance of getting this temperament. But my kid likes to play the odds.

Before 2 months, I noticed a few things in Wilson's behavior that were a little disconcerting. He had a hard time with transitions. When you switched his position, handed him to another person or even put him down, he would fuss a little. Mike and I responded by taking the time to soothe him and never rushed him. Consequently, his ability to handle transitions became much improved. I also noticed that the kid didn't sleep. He slept about an hour at a time (MAX) until I would put him on his belly, when he would sleep about 3 hours at a time (maybe). He also had issues with eating. If you've read my other posts, you know he hasn't been able to breastfeed - partially due to his low threshold for frustration, but even with the bottle, he was finicky about how we held it and what kind of bottle we used. Also, some days he would eat 35 ounces and others only 15 ounces. But he didn't really cry too much - he fussed a little and we could easily calm him down. So, I was hoping beyond hope that he was a slow-to-warm child.

At 2 months, I noticed a huge shift in Wilson's behavior. So much so that I thought he was teething. I could see a little white below the gum (still there), so I thought perhaps this atrocious behavior was due to him teething. But, now I believe it is stable enough to call his temperament. He suddenly found his lungs and would cry intensely over any discomfort. He could no longer easily fall asleep at night and began waking up more at night (5 to 6 times). He refused to be put down AT ALL during the day. And when I say refused, I mean that he cried bloody murder until he was picked up and consoled. He didn't like riding in the car, he doesn't like being in the stroller, he just wants to be strapped onto your body and jiggled. Good thing I had lots of carriers; I perfected baby-wearing and doing dishes and laundry with this baby strapped to me. Babywearing also became necessary for anything outside - including eating out or getting groceries. Here's the tough thing about "difficult" babies - you know that they are changed, they are fed and that their major needs have been met. So, you feel intensely manipulated - like the kid must be doing this to you on purpose. But this isn't a toddler (who knows how to manipulate). A baby doesn't even understand that you are a separate individual, so they aren't capable of manipulation. They are crying because they don't understand, are scared, anxious and unable to regulate and adjust like other infants. So what else can you do except go to your infant and help them when they are crying for your help so intensely? I knew the research about difficult temperament which says if you don't do this, they can end up with trust issues and major behavioral problems. Great. So, I know I need to be responsive consistently for this little man, but it was becoming really difficult.

At 10 weeks after he was born, I was at the end of my rope. I couldn't balance work with taking care of him at all. I felt like a little parasite had attached itself to me and was slowly sucking the life out of me. I loved (and still do!) him so much, but I was sleep-deprived, losing weight at an alarming rate (probably from all the jiggling and no time to eat), barely showered, had no time for self-care and was grieving the fact that my baby was not easy or slow-to-warm. My baby was just like my pregnancy and labor: difficult.

I did some meditation and realized that I had to change how I was seeing Wilson's temperament. I started a major shift in my self-care and began doing important things like eating and showering again (important stuff!). I had to make sure that I shared enough tasks with Mike to stay sane so that we could both be as responsive as we needed to be. Mike and I talked about the research on difficult temperament. Sure, it is really exhausting, but at the same time, difficult is the ONLY temperament where parental behavior can make a huge difference in the child's personality as an adult. Outside of abuse or trauma, an easy child will grow up to be a laid-back adult. A slow-to-warm child will always be a little shy. An active child will always be a whirlwind of energy. But a difficult child is completely dependent on their parents for what their personality will be like as an adult. Research shows that difficult children whose parents are responsive consistently and teach their child how to regulate grow up to have an easy-going, balanced and calm disposition as adults. They are stable, empathic and show leadership abilities. On the other hand, when parents are not consistently responsive, these children have academic, social and behavioral problems as older children, adolescents and adults. They can be quite anti-social and get into trouble a lot. So, even though that is a ton of pressure, it made me remember something. 

I remembered a poem that Linda shared with me when I was trying to get pregnant and for mother's day once I was pregnant with Wilson. It is essentially about how when you are dreaming of your child and hoping for them, that they are dreaming and hoping for you. In fact, they really chose you, rather than the other way around. And that encourages me that there IS a reason why Wilson came to us. He knew that we would always love him no matter what - no matter how difficult he was born. He knew that despite my sleep deprivation and utter exhaustion, I would never stop hugging him. That we would take a deep breath and talk him through whatever difficulty he was having. That I would jiggle and sing him to sleep when he was crying so hard because he couldn't shut down and was overtired. That I would get him to giggle even when he was miserable. That I would rock him when he was feeling unhappy and let him sleep on my chest when he didn't want to be alone. That I would always do my best to understand what was wrong and help to fix it. That he would always come first in our lives and his emotional needs were just as important to us as his physical ones. That I wanted him for so long that the fact that he was "difficult" wouldn't make me want him any less. That Mike and I could survive and help Wilson to become the person he is meant to be. Over the last few weeks, I have come to fully embrace his temperament, joke about it, plan for it and be thankful that Wilson came to us rather than 16-year-olds without a stable life and marriage (I love watching 16 and pregnant..it always makes me feel better) who may not know how to help him.

And one day when he is an adult, we'll be able to look at him and say "we did that; we helped him." And I'll remind him, along with stories of my 50-hour-labor, that without us, he might have ended up in prison, so there better be no nursing homes in our future. 

Addendum: I now realize that Mike was misinformed about his temperament; he and Wilson are carbon copies and share difficult temperament. This information really should be disclosed prior to breeding.