What I wish I knew...

I've been considering this blog post for quite awhile: What I wish I knew before having a baby. Since I'm pretty new at this gig (although at 3 months, it feels like forever ago to the freedom of my pre-mom days...), I asked a lot of other mothers to chime in, so this post includes many others' input. I hope it finds its way to those who haven't had their babies yet, as well as to those who are currently struggling and want to feel just a little more normal.

1. Work out your issues before having the baby. Before you have the baby, your self-esteem, childhood issues, issues with your mother/father and doubts about your self-worth should be, as much as they can be, resolved. Your relationship should be strong and you have mastered positive communication. There is no time to work out your issues after the baby arrives. If you don't do this before, you WILL suffer after the baby comes. This is why divorce rates spike during pregnancy and after a child is born, why depression can be quite severe after a baby arrives and how resentment of the baby (and in turn, the child's resentment of the parent) can happen. Message: Go to therapy, meditate, do yoga, confront your parents, marital therapy - whatever you need to do - but work out your issues NOW.

2. Breastfeeding is difficult and don't pinch pennies on the breastpump. Breastfeeding looks so calm, natural and peaceful, but it's lies - horrible, horrible lies. For some reason, in our culture, this generation has HUGE difficulties with breastfeeding. It takes forever for most to figure it out, some (like my son) never latch and others do so horribly that your nipples crack and bleed. For those moms and babies who do figure it out, sometimes you face additional challenges like milk shortages, overproduction of skim milk or early teething. I thought I would never even need a breastpump, but lo and behold I have a breastfeeding-challenged son, so that is ALL I use. I use it so much every day that I should name it. Even though I exclusively pump, have gotten my pumping times down to 3 times a day (unheard of) and have a good supply for Wilson, I still have lovely things that happen like finding a blood blister on my nipple after pumping a few days ago. How is that evolutionarily adaptive??? It's not! So main message here: If you plan on breastfeeding, plan on experiencing difficulties. If you don't, yay! Celebrate. But it's more than likely, you will. Don't beat yourself up about it.

3. Everyone has a little bit of the baby blues. I patiently listened to the lecture my midwives gave me after I had Wilson. Yes, I know what postpartum depression is. Yes, I know what to look for. Yes, I would definitely get help. "But, it's ridiculous, I won't get it," I thought. I have great self-care, a good marriage and, after all, I have wanted this baby for years! How could I be sad about finally getting what I want?! Little did I know that how much you love your baby has absolutely nothing to do with postpartum depression. As one of my midwives put it, "You go through the birth experience, have that moment of excitement as you meet your little one...Then you fall into a big, black hole." And it's true. You fall into the hole of conflicting feelings, identity struggles, sleep deprivation, strained relationships, lack of basic self-care like eating and showering and at the same time pure wonderment and joy. It's a bizarre place and experience and I think every mother should know that it's normal.

4. You will lose any idea of who you are as a person. I feel like this is some kind of Zen koan (a meditation paradox), but you really go through a crisis of identity. Like a tree falling in the woods, If I no longer do ___________ (insert previous identity here), then am still that identity? Before having a baby, I prided myself on being a counselor, a teacher, a researcher, a shaman, a wife and a pet owner. I have no time to counsel anyone, I am on maternity leave for a semester from teaching, I made the decision to not do my research until I go back in the spring, I haven't had a drum circle since before the baby is born, I routinely tell my husband to "shut his face", and I have gated and barred my little furries from most of the rooms in our house to keep the inevitable hair from finding its way onto my infant. The dogs haven't gone for a walk in months and the cats are so starved for attention that they take the dogs flattened stuffed animals in their mouths and bring them to us like little dead presents. I eat when my baby lets me, I sleep when my baby lets me, I care for my baby all day, I feel horrible when I am away from him, I worry about his well-being, I revel in his smiles and plan my activities based on things that he will enjoy. I am now, first and foremost, a mom. But, I am those other identities too. So as you flounder around in that black hole, part of what you are looking for -- is -- you. I feel I'm finally starting to make progress on this front, but I wish I had known how difficult finding balance between your role as a mom, your job and the rest of who you are, truly is.

5. Many people are judgmental jerks. Everyone will have an opinion of how you are parenting; unfortunately some share it with you. Everything from using daycare for your infant -- to when you should potty train -- to what you are eating when you are breastfeeding becomes an object of scrutiny. These unfortunately tend to be women themselves, which makes you think they would have empathy for new mothers. But, no, as any middle-schooler or highschooler knows: girls can be mean. Their unsolicited advice and judgments of you can make you question your choices as a parent. Bottom line: it's none of their business, they don't have to raise your child and if someone has to spend that much time talking about and judging a new mom who is trying her best, that person's life must be pretty sad. Don't listen and don't ever question your instincts when you feel strongly about something. And if you are ever really doubting yourself, go talk to another new mom - who will remind you of the normality of what you are experiencing. 

6. You will hate your partner...at least for a little while. I never anticipated having any kind of problem with my husband. We had an ideal relationship. We had been married for 8 years and worked out all the issues we had in our relationship. We had great communication. We loved each other intensely. We had all the same interests and hobbies. We were happy to be on this journey together and could not imagine or anticipate any issues whatsoever. And then, the baby, stress, sleep deprivation and lack of patience, time and energy kicks in. You exert all of your patience and energy in caring for your little one. As a new parent, you are experiencing a crisis of identity and often are not taking care of yourself or doing any of those things you used to do to rid yourself of stress: like going to the gym, reading in the bath or watching crap television. As a new mother (especially if you are staying home), you are vulnerable, you are full of hormones, you worry about everything, you have lost your body and often your mind. You have NO TIME to patiently explain how you are feeling to your partner and that their poorly-worded off-hand comment has hurt your already-vulnerable feelings. That won't happen. Instead, you will turn red, scream how your partner has no idea what it's like to stay home and care all day for this baby, how you've lost your body and mind and how much you would now like to punch your partner in the face. Your partner, particularly if they are male, is most likely depressed by how drastically his life has now changed, how little you pay attention to them now, how uninterested you are in being intimate (another side-effect of the hormones of breastfeeding -- oh and just being a new mom), and how little control he has in this new life. The problem is that as a new mother and primary caregiver, these complaints from your partner will pale in comparison to yours and you, again, feel like punching them in the face. You will have full hour "conversations" on who does more work, who gets more sleep and whose life has changed more. It's stupid and childish and it happens to all of us. You HAVE to find a way to connect to your partner as a co-parent to your child, as your lover and as your friend, or you will be another after-child divorce statistic.

7. It often takes some time to feel connected to your baby. When your baby is an inside-baby, they are part of you. They feel what you feel. They allow you to sleep (at least until the end). When they emerge, you realize that they are a distinctly different and separate person - a stranger. You have to get to know this little being; and the illusion of how you, as their mother, should innately know everything they need and connect to them immediately becomes obviously transparent. If you have a traumatic birth experience, it can take even longer to feel this connection and to "like" your little one. This does NOT make you a bad mother; it is more normal than you think.

8. The love you feel for your children will be greater and more painful than anything you have ever felt before. As hard as being a new mom is, I wouldn't change anything about it. I look at Wilson's smiles and my heart feels fuller than it ever has before. Just when you think you can't love them any more, you do. And your heart grows with each child to love them just as much. At the same time, to think of anything bad happening to Wilson, thinking of him having to go through illness, heartbreak and trauma, and to hear of parents who have lost their children -- literally takes my breath away. He has become my heart and to lose him would literally be losing a piece of myself. 

9. Having a baby is messy and gross. From the birth experience where you will likely poop on your provider when pushing your baby out -- to leaking milk out of your boobs -- to passing fist-sized blood clots -- to "pancake boobs" and stretch marks -- to spit up and poop-plosion diapers that defy gravity -- having and raising your baby is gross, messy and disgusting. Nothing will remind you of our animalistic nature like having a baby. There is nothing prim and proper about this experience at all. I remember wondering how women lose their modesty and can be naked in the labor and delivery room in front of strangers. And then, I was there - throwing my clothes off, laying on the shower room floor in a semi-hypnotic state. I didn't care who was there or what they thought of me. Your modesty slowly returns, but you should know that even though this whole process is pretty gross, you won't care.

10. Patience, trust and acceptance. My mantra for getting pregnant and surviving the last few days of my pregnancy became crucial in surviving being a new parent. You cannot control anything. You WILL get something you didn't plan on - whether it is a child that has colic, one who has a difficult temperament, a baby who develops autism, a traumatic birth experience, a divorce, an illness, a hurricane, etc. This is life. Being able to survive this, as any other crazy life experience, requires that you have patience with yourself, your partner, your child and life in general. It requires that you trust that life will get better, that you and your partner can do this, that things will be that were meant to be and that you can handle this. It also requires acceptance of what life hands you. When I realized that after a difficult time getting pregnant, a difficult end of my pregnancy and an incredibly-difficult birth experience that I was given a difficult-tempered baby, I cried hysterically. It did not seem fair that I went through all of these horrible things (don't get me started on my other non-baby life experiences) and couldn't catch a break with the temperament of my child. But, in my soul, I am a teacher. I have experienced many less-than-ideal life circumstances and have not only grown from them, but have been able to help others who are going through the same thing. These things make me a stronger and more intuitive teacher. If I can help other new moms to feel better and more prepared, I would gladly have gone through all that I have. And I would choose to do it again. 

11. Make sure you have help. Being a mom today is ridiculously hard. You are expected to take care of yourself, remain presentable and attractive, take care of your partner (which usually means being responsive AND cooking, cleaning and caring for the house) and caring for this new infant -- all while meeting incredibly high expectations of yourself and others. Women in previous generations were not always expected to breastfeed - a horrible time suck (pun intended) which not only secures your place as primary caregiver, but ensures you will be home-bound for weeks-months-years. Families were more intact and close-by in previous generations, ensuring strong family support to help you raise children. The expectations of balancing work and home have never been higher; it is really no longer an option for most to be a stay-at-home mom -- we must work to support the family. These requirements are IMPOSSIBLE. You cannot be perfect at all of these things. You need someone you trust to help you with the baby, give you time to sleep, work on your relationship with your partner and simply to remain sane. So, make sure you have good quality childcare (p.s. high quality childcare centers have 2-year waiting lists), people (that you trust) who can just give you a break by watching the baby for a few hours and someone to talk to when life gets rough. You are not a superwoman and the more you try to make yourself be this, the more disservice you will actually do to yourself and your baby. A good mother is one who knows her limits and teaches her children the same.

12. It gets better. The first time you try to put your infant in their carseat, put a onesie on your infant, deal with a horribly-gassed screaming baby, change a poop-plosion diaper and put them in a carrier, you will feel inept and ridiculous. I remember Wilson screaming bloody murder as Mike and I tried to figure out how the straps went on the carseat. We looked at each other with horror and complete powerlessness at our carseat-ignorance. Three months later, we can get him ready in the car seat in a matter of seconds, combined with the obligatory distraction (usually singing and dancing) to keep him from freaking the hell out. Similarly, you learn that you can balance some things, you learn how to manage time better (make a schedule - seriously), which baby goodies you absolutely need for your child (Wilson needs a pacifier and a blanket over his head to fall asleep, but hates his baby swing like it has an evil soul and wishes him harm) and you find things that make life easier (we only buy zippy pajamas now because snapping 30 snaps at 3 a.m. is just freaking stupid).

13. You are a good mother. No matter how much you doubt it, worry about your choices and feel guilt, your child came to you for a reason. You are the best mother for your child. If you are doubting your worth as a mother, I have news for you - that means you are a good one. I always tell my students that you can always identify the truly insane by the fact that they never entertain the thought that they might be insane. Someone with schizophrenia truly believes that they are being chased by the government and that they are Jesus or Abraham Lincoln - a doubt never enters their mind. When a sane person experiences something psychologically bizarre, they question their sanity - the most sane thing you can do. I believe the same lies true for being a mother. If you truly believe you are the perfect mother with no faults whatsoever, you are probably a terrible one. But, if you doubt your worth as a mother, worry about your choices and feel perpetual guilt, this shows you are thoughtful, care intensely for your child and are, indeed, a good mom.