Back-ish to Work

So I am officially off of my 8 weeks of Family Medical Maternity Leave. I took two extra weeks for breastfeeding problems, not that we made much progress on that front, but I did up my milk supply, so all was not lost.

As I worked from home today and get ready to go back tomorrow (with baby in tow), I have so many mixed emotions. I miss teaching, my coworkers and my students quite a bit. Being a teacher was such a fundamental part of my identity that it never felt like work. I don't have to teach this semester, just do research, committee and administrative work, as well as work on my new business (Baby Signs). So, on the one hand, I am excited to get back into work, to be in front of a computer again, to be using the cerebral portion of my brain. But, my heart breaks not being with my son. The people who have been helping me take care of him while I try to work or pump or even sleep have been amazing. They are wonderful people who Wilson loves. But Wilson is a total mommy's boy. I had to stop working twice today just to hold him because he was so fussy for his babysitter and, apparently, he missed me. As soon as I took him, he calmed down, stopped crying and smiled. Little cheeky monkey.

Still, I got sooo much work done today it was ridiculous. To have six hours mostly uninterrupted (except for 2 calm-Wilson sessions and to breast pump) was beautiful. I didn't feel frustrated as I usually do trying to do anything - like read one email. It's like he has an internal alarm that goes off telling him to start crying whenever I need to work, pump or fall asleep. But today, with a helper, my work time was definitely more concentrated and productive. 

But, interestingly, there is part of me that really just wants to be a stay-at-home mom now. That is so not like me at all. I've always been incredibly active at work - some would say a work-a-holic even. And yet, playing with Wilson, feeding him, breast-pumping and cuddling him to sleep are about all I really want to do right now. Damn these hormones. 

I think there is also a part of me that doesn't want to begin what will inevitably happen. Wilson will grow up. He won't ever need me again like he does right now. He has literally been a part of me and we are so innately connected, that I am experiencing a spiritual and meaningful connection I never thought possible.

If you had asked me 5 years ago if I could see myself not wanting to work, to stay at home, cook, clean and care for a child, I would have called you crazy. Insane, even. But, tonight, after I got done working and sat down to rock Wilson and give him a bottle, I realized how happy this little guy has made me. My whole being has never been in the moment as it is when I am with him. When else would you find yourself singing, dancing, laughing and smiling all through the day? I love consoling and hugging him, kissing his little head and dressing him in insanely-cute outfits and enjoying every second of every day. Even though I have lost a lot - pieces of my identity pre-baby that I probably won't ever get back, I've never experienced these feelings before...this feeling of happiness, of pure love and joy from just living and loving. So, I understand why many moms do not want to go back to work or feel horrible when they do. Either way, there is no choice in the matter if we would like to not go bankrupt, so I am going to do my best to enjoy working and being with him as much as I possibly can. My office will now have a little baby decor (a little bassinet and swing) to go along with my totem poles, drums and feathers. I am very thankful that I can bring him in to work with me and have lots of faculty that have pledged to help me out with him. Plus, I think Wilson can be a great new addition to the junior faculty at SCSU. Too bad he can't earn a paycheck yet...