Parenting a Difficult-Tempered Toddler...

So, as many of you already know, my son has difficult temperament. I've talked multiple times about what this is like when he was an infant. But, as crazy as it seems, he's not a baby anymore; he's a few months shy of being 2 years old and is full force into toddler mode. 

Parenting a toddler, under the best circumstances, is not for the faint of heart. It's exhausting and simply put, brutal. They move too fast, have limited emotional and social skills and are all about testing boundaries. And that's when they have easy temperaments...

So I've had people tell me before that they hate the phrase "difficult temperament" because it seems to cast a negative cloud on the child. I've also had people tell me that they didn't quite understand what difficult temperament was and how it couldn't easily be modified. And I do get how it's not easy to picture or to understand when you have never had a difficult tempered child before. I am a developmental psychologist and I did not fully understand before having Wilson. So I always say the same thing, "Come over for a day and you'll get it." 

Because this is what a day looks like: Wilson wakes up at 6 a.m., smiling and talking. Mike gets him up and attempts to get him changed and dressed in between him lunging at the lotion/butt paste, frantically pushing buttons on the stereo when you are throwing out his diaper, running towards and attempting to open the closet, throwing his pillow, dancing and giggling. He comes downstairs, drinks his juice and gets some breakfast - well at least a little before throwing the rest to the dogs or racing towards the trash (as we scream NO!) to throw it haphazardly in the general direction of the trash, causing us to clean up a mess. While our backs are turned, he is opening the snack drawer (neatly and easily opening the child lock) to get more food with which to eat/ throw to the dogs/ throw out. The next few hours or so he races around, as we remind him to be nice to the dogs, not to injure himself, not to grab things he can't have, stop opening the dishwasher to stand on the door and push the buttons on the toaster oven, don't throw that, be gentle, get out of the silverware drawer, stop trying to open the door, where did you get that fork?, get off the table, don't kick the dog, stop throwing your food, get out of the dishwasher again, where's your juice cup?, stop hanging on the baby gate, don't climb the banister, don't stand on that, get out of the fridge... it goes on. And it's endless. ALL DAY LONG. This in a house which is so well gated and child-proofed it could function as a maximum security toddler prison. Our chairs are bungeed together because he was taking them out and pushing them through the house in order to reach outlets, light switches, ipads and computers an anything else he shouldn't have. Gates protect the television area with over a 2 foot clearance from the gate because he uses tools to jab at the buttons on the television, cable box and receiver. The dog food and water is behind our office gate (which has a similar clearance) and which he lodges his daily complaints by throwing things at us when we sit there without him for 5 seconds. There are baby locks everywhere and every door knob has a baby proof covering. If a door or a lock is insecure for 5 seconds, he shows up immediately, like he has a telepathic connection to it, and raids it. He breaks something literally everyday: a toy, one of our possessions, part of the house... Sometimes all of the "no!'s", boundary setting and mommy/daddy blocking get to him and he collapses into a heap on the floor, lip-quiver and all. He whines pretty much all day long, crying frequently even over things like "my toy won't do what I want it to", where he yells at his toy, cries, throws it and falls in a dramatic spanish-soap-opera-esque heap on the floor. The mental and physical effort that it takes to keep this kid alive, be responsive, be empathic, teach him patiently and peacefully is more than I have expended getting a doctoral degree and tenure as an Associate Professor combined.

When it is time for his nap, I seriously rejoice. Seriously. It's one of my favorite parts of the day. After the initial whining, getting his bottle ready (as he attempts to grab everything in the fridge), walk up the stairs where he stops to try to pull things out of the trash, get at the recycling, fall off the stairs, then suddenly run into the bathroom and attempt to lock me out, test every gate upstairs, run away giggling as I try to corral him into his bedroom, whining as I change his diaper, pushing the buttons frantically on his white noise machine until I pick him up and sit in the rocking chair, where pure bliss occurs. He snuggles in quietly with me and his blanket, drinks his bottle and goes to sleep. I lay him in his crib and he sleeps for 2 to 3 hours. I shower, go to the bathroom, sometimes sleep, do work and sometimes just sit in a chair comatose. Oh and by the way, that was just the first part of the day, which was just 3 hours. We then have the afternoon to contend with. He requires constant attention (just to survive), is a complete drama queen, is only capable of playing alone for a maximum of 10 minutes (and that's if you are lucky), has no emotional regulation skills and a seemingly endless supply of energy and motivation.

So yes, I think difficult is a great term for that temperament. Or maybe 'freaking horrific', 'horrendously exhausting' or 'perfect-birth-control-because-you-will-never-want-to-procreate-again' (yes, we did have a moment of insanity and now we will be adding another to our brood - God help us). Any of those would work. And in terms of changing his behavior? Believe it or not, we have made HUGE strides. We went through a biting phase, a pinching phase, an extreme tantrum phase - as challenging as he is, he improves almost every day. We are working now on throwing and hitting, which is slowly but surely improving. We are consistent with him, always responsive, we calmly say no, we also have yelled when we feel appropriate, we keep boundaries and always intervene. What we've learned by parenting a difficult toddler is less about what we need to do (because we know what we are supposed to do), but more about how to support each other to stay positive and sane and to remember the absolutely amazing thing about difficult children and Wilson, in particular.

See, the reason 'difficult' children are difficult is because they are very sensitive. He, like all difficult-tempered children, need routine. He has to maintain a very rigid schedule at home because if we deviate in any way, he won't nap, he is cranky and cannot regulate for the rest of the day. Wilson is detail-oriented and sensitive, physically and emotionally. He is affectionate and loving, hugging his stuffed animals, coming to lay his head on my leg when he is having a rough time coping, and gently lays his head on the dogs when he pets them. Wilson is very bright - beyond his chronological age. He is contemplative, has an impeccable memory, focuses intently on things and figures things out that are far beyond on his year and a half-life. He is persistent; he knows what he wants and he is insistent about achieving that goal. He is incredibly social; he loves other children and is incredibly astute in that he realizes he needs to be reserved around people that do not know him well (he acts like an angel with most other people for a few weeks at least). He has a strong personality and is completely authentic with his emotions, expressing them to the fullest. He loves music, which helps him be in the moment, stay calm and feel joy. He has his favorite things, of which he never tires and easily communicates that he is happy to experience them OVER AND OVER. Despite being potentially the crappiest infant sleeper ever, he is now a good sleeper, still getting up once a night a few times a week; but he sleeps from 6:30 p.m. to 6 a.m. and puts himself to sleep after his bottle and a snuggle. He is starting to communicate better and he desperately wants to do what adults do, meaning he loves to help with throwing things out, cleaning the house, vacuuming, washing dishes, putting things back where they belong and re-locking the safety latches he has outsmarted.

Bottom line: the same things that make these children annoying toddlers will make them successful and amazing adults. And that's the challenge: you don't want to crush their spirit or make them feel shame for being who they are - even when it is annoying, frustrating and exhausting. You want them to be who they are and follow social boundaries and learn emotional skills to further develop their resiliency and strength. But it's freaking hard. And that is why I am writing this blog tonight; after a long day where he broke a kitchen drawer, almost stabbed me with a fork, tried to kick the dogs multiple times, threw food at dinner (causing him to have to leave the table), hit me for taking away things he wanted but could not have, spilled water all over the floor, and that is in addition to the normal high maintenance needs throughout the day, I want all those parents who parent this rare (less than 5% of children) child who befuddles others and makes you question your own patience, sanity and parenting ability. You are not alone. And I do hear that it gets better.

I have read consistent accounts in the research that difficult-tempered children turn a huge corner around age 3, making the consistent, supportive approach worth all of that time and energy. And to that, my husband and I, after putting him to bed, hug each other, hanging onto each other for physical and emotional support, sigh and say, "Is he almost 3 yet?" It's a very good thing that he is cute.