One step forward, two steps back: Parenting a "high needs" baby

After a "yep this sucks, but you can do it" messaging session with a Facebook Friend of another mother with a "high needs" baby, I am really constantly reminded how hard it is for us and others to really understand these children. While I can be one to engage in some occasional hyperbole, I am not being dramatic when I say that these children are INCREDIBLY hard to parent, partly because of their needs and partly because of the judgment you receive from others who really do not see your day to day struggles in your home. Despite my 20 years of experience caring for dozens of children (both typical and those with developmental disabilities) and an ivy league education in developmental psychology, I can honestly say that I was wholly unprepared for a difficult tempered child.

I have written about difficult tempered babies before when I first realized that Wilson was one, but here's a brief recap: Temperament is one of the most well-studied concepts in developmental psychology and the building block of our personalities. This is why multiple children of the same parents in the same family can be shy, incredibly independent, crazily active, responsible or just plain difficult. Of course, it can be altered, but, in most cases, temperament is an incredibly reliable predictor of adult personality.

If you are not sure if you have a difficult tempered child, let me help you out: you don't. These infants are EASILY recognizable (parasitic, emotional hot messes) and parents know beyond a shadow of a doubt that these children are different. Here's a few of these differences:

1. Intensity. These little people are drama queens. They cry louder, eat more, clearly and strongly communicate their needs and demands almost as soon as they are out of the womb. Wilson had temper tantrums at about 4 months (screaming at a toy that would not do what he wanted) and threw full blown toddler temper tantrums (complete with throwing his head against the floor, shrieking and biting) at 10 months.
2. Adaptability and Sensitivity. These babies adapt to novel environments about as well as a T-Rex - they would be extinct if they were on their own and roar equally loud. New things intrigue them, scare them and minor changes to their routine throw them off. Wilson would cry as if he were in pain when we changed his position as an infant. As a toddler, he is hard to direct and redirect - his patience and tolerance is what you would call "challenging". When you need him to do something, he can range from irritable to completely adversarial. He had an obsession with doors (still does) and would fly into full blown tantrums anytime we closed the refrigerator door, let the dogs out, closed a gate, etc. That was fun.
3. Mood. These babies are generally moody, with salient moods being fearful, sad, anxious, whiny and angry. Wilson could be laughing with you one second, only to shift into screaming, whiny, angry monkey at the drop of a hat. As an infant, he was predominantly in a horrible mood most of the time.
4. Predictability. Some babies are easy to predict. You know what they like and how to approach them (e.g., feeding, sleeping, etc.). Babies with difficult temperament are incredibly irregular. What works one day will not work the next. Mike and I would be so excited when Wilson would have a great night's sleep, wrongly thinking it was something we did. We fed him more, the bath-book-bottle-bed routine finally worked, we gave him a baby massage that night, etc. You grasp at straws trying to figure out what you did that worked so that you can repeat it to produce the same results the next night. And you clone your actions in a hopeful effort to reproduce the desired behavior in your baby. But, here is the horrible reality of a difficult infant: what you do matters, but not in the way you want. There is no predicting what will work and when. You just have to be responsive, hopeful, let them lead and try not to go insane.
5. Sleeping. Difficult tempered infants need constant emotional regulation and are often over-aroused. Because of this it is often difficult for them to put themselves back to sleep or to go to sleep in the first place. Wilson has slept exactly 2 nights through the night in over a year. He slept exactly 1 hour at a time for 2 1/2 months, never sleeps very deeply (wakes up with small noises, NEVER was "milk-drunk") and needs consistent sleep support even at almost 13 months. Sleep training failed miserably and progress usually takes months at a time.
6. Eating. Wilson eats an amazing amount. He eats almost every 2 hours, eating 3 meals a day, 2 snacks, plus about a half a gallon of formula/breastmilk from 9 months to his current age at almost 13 months.  

So if you find yourself with one of these little babies, is it all bad news? I can tell you, from experience, it is not. Wilson's smile melts us. With every day that passes, he gets better and happier. He is painfully smart (it is painful to us at least), requiring that we childproof EVERYTHING, figures things out easily and loves the challenge of obstacles and devices that he can figure out. He is so loving and kind, easily shares and loves to give hugs and share giggles. He is very tactile, hugging any soft toy and fluffy blanket with great abandon. Once he gets help regulating, he can be independent for long periods of time - coming back for help resetting when he feels upset. His love for life and new things is contagious. He has the best sense of humor, giggling at our silly faces and using items in a creative way (putting a cup on his head or ours).

We have had to change our behavior significantly, practicing self-care, being more responsive/respectful, proactive, consistent and understanding our own limits. We taught him to take breaths to calm down, followed his lead in terms for his readiness for a big change, called for the other parent to come rescue us when we felt we were losing it, been consistent with our rewards/boundaries, picking our battles (playing with some things in the refrigerator may be ok, whereas pulling hair is never ok) and reminding ourselves that he is not trying to be manipulative when he needs help. At 3 a.m. when he is having issues going back to sleep, requiring extra jiggling, drinking his bottle, patting his back or a snuggle, in my head I imagine him saying, "Mommy, I'm not ready yet - I don't feel good." This helps me a lot since his epic screaming and whining could easily lead to frustration and anger. Mike and I have found that we also need constant encouragement with each other. For example, Wilson recently went from horrible napping and getting up 5 times a night to suddenly (over the course of a month) a 2 to 3 hour nap in the day and only getting up once a night. He started being happier during the day, asking for us to read to him and using his signs and words to communicate. We were so excited, thinking that the worst was behind us. Then the next day, he fights going down for a nap, is miserable the whole day, gets up three times at night and/or stays up for hours at a time. We often feel like we have made one step forward, followed by two steps back. 

So, if you are a parent of a "high needs" baby, what can you look forward to? Here's the awesome news. If you are responsive, by age 3, these children are almost indistinguishable from easy children, by first grade they are the favorite students of teachers (even more so than easy tempered children), they love deeply, care about their world and are conscious of others' feelings. As adolescents, they are responsible, open and honest with their parents. The key is being responsive, working to become securely attached and conscious of what messages you are teaching your child with your own behavior. It is also the only temperament that is heavily influenced by early parental behavior (outside of abuse and trauma); what you do truly matters. 

As much stress as we feel parenting a difficult child, he makes our lives worthwhile and demands that we are better people ourselves. Even though we get stressed, I think of what would happen to Wilson if he was born to someone else with less patience, less education/knowledge or less tolerance for his temperament. Would he grow up feeling mistrustful, isolated, anxious, guilty for needing help? It makes me happy to see our effort pay off - he is more independent each day, exploratory, confidant, loving, kind and (mostly!) gentle.

I do believe he came to me for a reason and I take being his guardian a privilege, as he has made me a better person in one short year. The Dalai Lama (XIV) said "Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it." What have we had to give up in order to be the best parents possible for Wilson? We have had to give up selfishness, impatience, judgment, frivolousness, egoism, apathy and our own control issues. These are things that Mike and I would have taken years of therapy and/or years of struggle to achieve. Yes, this child and the quick changes that he has required of us have been difficult, but I would not trade him, or this experience, for anything, even the easiest child in the world.