First Day of Work with my little Junior Faculty

Since getting this mommy gig down, I've been wondering how I was going to balance my work as a professor and researcher with my job changing diapers and rearing a difficult, yet amazing and beautiful little boy. When I thought about going to work and having childcare (even though it would only have to be one day), I cried. In my soul, I want to live collectively - embracing both of my roles and mother and academic - and not having to sacrifice one for the other. Since I did get release time and after extensive pondering with my husband, best friend and mother, I decided to not use childcare and go back to work, with Wilson in tow.

Even though I have been working from home for quite awhile, today was my first day back in the office. Since I received release time for the semester, my workload looks like this:

• Teach a 1 credit class on Psychopharmacology for a shortened Saturday and Sunday
• Teach a 3 credit class on Lifespan for two Saturdays and two Sundays
• Teach a 3 credit class on Multicultural Counseling one night a week
• Cover Program Coordinator duties for 1.5 months while another faculty member is on maternity leave (because all we can apparently do in my department now is have babies...)
• Work on my one current research study
• Go in for 3 days during the week and for miscellaneous meetings as needed
• Bring Wilson with me for office time and meetings, Mike will pick him up after his work and before I teach on the one day a week

Given my usual ridiculous schedule and crazy demands, this semester is like a gift from the universe. Even more spectacular is the climate in my department, where everyone has agreed that I can bring Wilson in and they help me manage coming back to work as a professor and caring for my little life addition. I'm truly blessed to be able to go another 8 months with no childcare and have such a supportive department.

So, last night I did my usual work at night after Wilson goes to sleep, which is usually 8 p.m. to midnight. But unfortunately, Wilson fell asleep early and I woke him up at 8 p.m. to change his diaper and put him in his pjs (a break from our bedtime routine, clearly). After peeing through his diaper AFTER I changed him and being changed a second time, he was WIDE awake. So I let him play while I worked on updating my course content and finally got him to sleep at 10 p.m. Another hour of work, followed by pumping, followed by a quick shower to make myself semi-presentable the next day, followed by taking my melatonin gummy so that I can fall asleep quickly, I crawled into bed at 12 p.m. Wilson woke up at 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. to eat, because apparently he still feels as though he is 1 week old. His 4 a.m. wakings are always rough because if he doesn't feel physical contact, as in - he is laying on me - he won't go back to sleep. So from 4 a.m. to 5:30 a.m., Wilson had to have some body part on me, not providing for stellar sleep for me. But, either way, he was all smiles at 5:30 ready to rise.

So my morning routine? Get me dressed, get Wilson dressed, eat breakfast as I pump, then take Wilson from Mike as he finishes getting ready for work. I was out of brown rice cereal for Big Willy this morning, so I milled some brown rice and put some on the stove to cook to make sure he had cereal for the day. Then, we settled down at 7 a.m. for our beautiful morning nap, which gave me another 3 hours of sleep before getting ready for work, getting Wilson in his car seat, packing our plethora of bags in the car and driving off to Southern for a day of work. After unpacking Wilson, who clearly disapproved of the car seat and began screaming when we were 3 minutes away from work, I started on my main goal for the day: transform my office from maternity leave-office to mommy-professor office chic. And by maternity-leave office, I mean that it was a mess from me not caring and generally not being there - accompanied by too much stuff and no space for baby-related furniture, requiring me to move things, get rid of stuff and generally reorganize.

Within an hour, I had breastmilk on my shirt from Wilson drooling while eating, pear baby-food in my hair, flour from my sandwich on my dress pants and dust everywhere from moving furniture. Once he got tired, he was no longer content to lay on his own playing with toys, so I strapped him to my chest in his baby carrier and proceeded to move furniture and organize.

Throughout the day, I had many students come in, got to visit with faculty, MET my goal of getting my office completely organized into mommy-professor haven and Wilson did really well the whole time. He actually even layed in his pack and play for quite a while just content to play with his toys, take off his socks and watch the fan move the different items on my bulletin board. He giggled and hugged people (all whom had to use hand sanitizer before touching him!), content and allowing me to work. I stopped when he needed to be fed, changed, loved and put to sleep; when I was working, we were talking constantly as he played: I would talk to him and he would coo right back.

After leaving work, we met up with daddy for dinner, I pumped at home (after freaking out over a lost bottle of 8-ounces of breast milk - daddy found it!), then met up with friends Jess and Jess (my Jess') to go to yoga. Back home, took Wilson so Mike could get ready for bed, put Wilson to bed (three times since he was a little cranky and sleeping lightly) and now ready to settle in to do some more work before pumping and starting all over again.

I feel incredibly lucky to be able to work doing what I love and have Wilson with me. But, as I sit down tonight, lots of things are going through my mind. Am I being a good mom to him with my attention split at work? Am I being a good professor to my students if I have to interrupt an office visit to change a diaper? Will I still be taken as seriously with a baby strapped to my chest at a University? Will I take him to meetings with me? Will other faculty continue to support us being there together? Can I handle this type of schedule? Will I be ok without family close-by and no consistent childcare? WILL I EVER GET ANY FREAKING SLEEP?

I'm not sure. But I do know that this feels right. I never felt so authentic to who I am as a person than today. I got to be at the University and be around my students again, spend time with Wilson, go on a dinner date with Mike and spend some time with my friends centering and grounding myself at yoga. I may be busy (and slightly crazy to do this type of schedule), but I'm blessed and happier than I have been...maybe ever.