Week 1 as Parents...

After the excitement of Wilson's birth had set in, I was feeling no pain at all. I was walking around on a natural high, not feeling my stitches from the tear at all (this would change later). That burst of oxytocin was pretty amazing! Mike and I got settled in our room, said goodbye to our awesome doula Amy and just stared at little Wilson. The fact that we were parents now was so surreal that I couldn't even fathom it. We texted and called the people who had been waiting for us and Skyped Grandma and Grandpa Hill in to see their latest grandchild in over 20 years and their first grandson. Afterwards, Wilson was sleeping so peacefully so we put him in his little bassinet, Mike tucked me in and went to go lay down. He turned off the lights, said goodnight and right on cue, Wilson started crying. "Welcome to parenthood," I said, as we both got up to take care of our new little guy.

The next day at the hospital was uneventful; I still felt great and Mike and I got rest in little increments. Wilson was having some gas problems from all the amniotic fluid he swallowed; he wasn't really hungry at all, just passing gas and dirtying diapers all day! At the end of that day, I suddenly started feeling my muscles which were now telling me I had run about 10 marathons with that 5 hours of pushing and I could now feel the tear and the stitches - not pleasant. I had found that I had lost all sense of modesty - it just didn't matter anymore in the grand scheme of things. We gave Wilson a tiny bit of a sponge bath, which he loved, because he had some bleeding on his head from the internal monitor they had to use on him - poor guy. :( 

Things I was surprised about in the hospital: 1) those stupid hospital underwear and pads are amazing, 2) apparently there are way too many nurses eager to shove your boobs in your baby's face, 3) hospital meals don't taste bad when you are starving, 4) August is a bad month to have your baby in the hospital - the hospital was so full that the nurses were swamped and hard to find.

The next morning, even though I was tired, weak and felt like every muscle in my body was going to fall out, I was so ready to go home. We got the ok from the pediatrician, my midwife practice and the hospital, so we dressed Mr. Wilson in his little monkey outfit and then put him in his infant carrier, which he hated. First time we heard him scream, but apparently sucking on pinky fingers makes everything tolerable, so Mike packed up the car and I hobbled out to sit with Wilson in the back seat.

Mike had brought home Wilson's hat and a few blankets the night before for the dogs to adjust. Lainey, however, still felt the need to show her protest by peeing on the carpet, but since I caught her and we spent some time with them, they seemed to all adjust really well to Wilson. Mike grabbed everything from the car and I hobbled over to the couch. I was pretty surprised at how much I was hurting at that point; every muscle in my body was protesting movement and the "not-so-big-deal" second degree tear was now a very big deal. I watched Mike take care of me and hold Wilson, change him, feed him and then take care of all our stuff and I burst out crying. All I wanted to do was to stand up and take care of my little baby. But I was in so much pain that I couldn't. After Mike consoled me, we talked about the reality of our situation. Neither of us had family close by. He would have to take care of me and Wilson for the whole next week. He already look like he'd been hit by a steam roller since neither of us really had much sleep since the previous Monday night (and it was Saturday). I told him we needed to reach out to our friends to see if they could help and hire the postpartum doulas that our insurance covered.

After texting Deby, we had a doula there that night: Dawn. She watched the baby, did laundry, washed dishes, let Mike and I sleep and helped me with breastfeeding and pumping. It felt so nice to get a shower and to nap a little and not worry about Wilson or Mike (who was eagerly napping as well). Dawn must have seen that I wanted to do more because she reminded me that in most cultures, the new mother just nurses, relaxes and heals from the birth for six weeks while others help take care of the newborn and daily tasks. I knew this, but it's another story when you are home with your infant and feel like you can't care for them. I remembered my mantra that got me through pregnancy and labor: patience, trust and acceptance. It appears this mantra was becoming my life, not just a transitory journey.

 Mike and I had to be patient with everything; patient with getting to know Wilson - learning to take our time with everything and giving him the support he needed to emotionally self-regulate. Instead of powering through diaper changes and other things Wilson didn't generally appreciate, we learned to slow down and comfort him when he was upset. We learned to take our time with everything and again, to be in the present. I had to be patient with myself; my healing was going to take a much longer time than I had anticipated. With a labor like I had, it is likely that it will take more than 6 weeks for me to fully recover. With how much healing my body was doing, I found myself losing weight like crazy in this first week; in less than a week after arriving home, I had lost 35 pounds and I only gained 24 during pregnancy. I had to be patient with breastfeeding because Wilson had yet to latch, which was equally frustrating for both Wilson and me. Pumping is not particularly fun; although when my milk came in and I was in a ton of pain, that pump was my new best friend.

This week was also about trust. We needed to trust our instincts with Wilson, trust each other and trust the help that was provided to us. Besides the doulas from Birth Partners, my best friend Jess came over frequently to bring dinner, watch the baby so we could sleep before the long night and help me out with pumping and breastfeeding. After seeing Dr. Smillie for help with breastfeeding, I trusted my own instincts more than ever. I also had to trust that someday he will be able latch and/or that we will be ok no matter what happens. On the one-week mark of Wilson's birth, Mike took me out to get hibachi lunch and a pedicure/manicure. I trusted Natalie, our postpartum doula to care for Wilson, but I have to admit, I was eager to get home just to see him and give him a kiss and hug.

Finally, this week was really again all about acceptance. I had to accept that I could not be super-mom, recovering from a 50-hour labor and caring for my baby independently. I had to accept my body and mind's limitations. This was a huge transition; Mike and I are now responsible for another human being. I watched Mike blossom into a father this week; worried to do everything right, in awe at the amazing being that is Wilson, expressing his love to Wilson and me, and learning how to care for babies on an exponential learning curve. We were able to work as a team, to encourage each other and to be thankful for this amazing gift that we received -- even at 5 a.m. in the morning with no sleep. It's not that this acceptance really came quite easily. When I was trying to pump breastmilk with a 3-sizes-too-small flange, getting nothing out and despairing that my milk may never come in, I was so frustrated that I burst into tears again. One thing I've also learned this week is that it's important to be in the moment, even when that moment is sadness or frustration. Express it, feel it, then move on. I cried, then let go of my frustration. It was during this time of frustration that our television decided to die. Despite being a bit sad that our source of entertainment and distraction was now removed for over a week until the repairperson could come out to fix it, I took it as a message. I needed to be in the present with whatever was happening, connect to my new baby zen lifestyle and learn from Wilson who was always in the moment with his feelings, frustrations and needs. And like a little reward for letting go and accepting, my milk came in that night, Mike bought new flanges for me the next day and I got a hands-free system that made pumping more bearable.

 This week came with lots of memories that I will never let go of either. Holding Wilson, softly touching his skin and thanking him for coming to us, our little survival station in the living room, complete with sleeping, eating and changing accoutrement and a pack of dogs, Mike looking at Wilson with awe and love, the pure glee at getting a good burp, laughing as Wilson decided to fart/poop/throw up on daddy, watching the dogs try to console Wilson when he cried, getting Wilson to calm down when he needed emotional reassurance, getting peed on and generally just enjoying everything that this little man did.

The one pervading thought I had all this week was an incredible and deep respect for single mothers. You are the real supermom-superheros. To be a mom without a partner is something of which I am now in complete awe. I don't know how I would have done this week without the help of my husband, friends and doula support. But when the friends and doulas went home, I had Mike, who I am eternally grateful for - and who continues to encourage me and help me on this journey of becoming a mother.

Wilson's Birth Story

I've got a spare moment so I figured I would get this down while I can! It's incredibly long, but then, again, so was my labor and delivery. I think if I just told people the stats associated with Wilson's birth story, you would think that my experience must have been absolutely horrific: Induction for a medical complication (emotionally reactive blood pressure), misoprostol induction, highest possible dose of pitocin induction, 50 hours of labor, 38 hours of intense labor, and 5 hours of pushing. But, it wasn't horrific at all; I felt empowered, supported, present and strong every step of the way. 

If you've read other entries in my blog, you know my viewpoint on medical interventions for birth; I'm not in favor of them unless they are absolutely necessary. Unfortunately, I found myself in just that situation. My midwives at Women's Health Associates had been so patient with me through my 2 weeks of reactive blood pressure. My Blood pressure, responding to any emotion, had gone up as high as 170/110, but it would quickly regulate, so they supported my decision to hope for natural labor to start and stay at home and stay as calm as possible. I tried to do a lot of the natural induction methods, but in the end, when nothing worked, I decided to focus on my new mantra of patience, trust and acceptance. Whatever was meant to happen would. Little did I know this mantra and experience was preparing me for my birth experience. I had been having contractions, all early labor contractions, for over 3 weeks. I was up to 3 cm dilated, but no progress past that.

On Tuesday, August 14th in the early morning, I went to my midwives' office and watched my blood pressure go up higher than it had before. We decided to go to Yale Labor Triage to have them screen me (again) for preeclampsia and monitor my blood pressure. Even though my blood pressure went back down again and all the results came back normal, I agreed with my providers that something was amiss. Seeing my blood pressure go up to close to 200 over 120, even if it came back down was just not safe for me or the baby. The midwives gave me their opinion to induce and let me and Mike talk it over. I texted my doula from Birth Partners, who just so happened to be in the hospital with a client who was laboring (she was due in September). So she came right down and helped us talk out what we wanted. In the end, I felt it was a real enough concern to warrant the risks associated with induction. So, I went on to a labor and delivery room while Mike ran home to hug our dogs and cats and grab our hospital bag. 

After a whole day at Yale, I was already having surges/contractions, but not enough to start serious labor, so the first intervention was to place 1/4 of a misoprostol pill next to my cervix around 7 p.m. Because of the intervention, I had to start with continuous monitoring belts and a hep lock, which wasn't comfortable, but necessary because the intervention carries risks to mother and baby. My contractions started to increase and I felt them, but nothing totally noteworthy yet. At 11 p.m., they did a second dose. I told Mike that the contractions were definitely stronger and more intense than the ones I experienced before, but I tried my best to rest. Unfortunately I could not. At 3 a.m., my water broke. My contractions started coming regularly and with intensity. I excitedly had Mike call the nurse who called my midwife practice and Mike called my back-up doula Amy, who came right over. Amy had taught us yoga for labor and we absolutely loved her. So even though induction wasn't our first choice, obviously, and our doula we had built the relationship was with another client, I felt excited to finally be in labor and also happy to have the calming influence of Amy, a yoga instructor, with us.

I immediately went into my hypnobirthing breathing and relaxation with each surge/contraction that I had learned with Cynthia. I was able to keep incredibly relaxed with each one and then rest in between, both mentally and physically. We played relaxing music which was all music that Amy had introduced to us (yoga for birth and meditation music) with some of my native music as well. The midwives and nurses kept the room so quiet and comfortable. I had my birthing gown on and was in control over all of my emotions and allowing my body to do all the work. At around 4 a.m. when my midwife checked me, I was 90% thinned and 4 cm dilated. I fully committed to the relaxation and work of giving birth. I took whatever position my body told me to be in; I found myself doing a lot of spiraling - moving my hips in a spiral and breathing into the surges. I am told the contractions that I felt at this point were stronger than natural ones since I had been induced, but they were still manageable and I could visualize through them. My doula Amy helped remind me if she saw tension anywhere during a contraction, she encouraged me by telling me how great I was doing with my breaths, reminded me to do a cleansing breath at the end and brought me water, Recharge (granola-ish gatorade), provided firm pressure and massage, and made sure Mike took care of himself. When they started getting very intense, Amy suggested I try going into the shower. I couldn't get the tub room because I was induced, but I could walk around and try using the shower water. I, who wondered how I could ever possibly be naked in front of strangers, ripped my clothes off and ran into that shower....for the next 7 hours. I let the water run on my belly during a surge/contraction, then on my back during the break. I got into any position I wanted - on my hands and knees, on a stool, leaning forward and even sitting on the shower floor at one point. I found myself doing a lot of spiraling and just moving with my body. I kept myself in the present - I had no idea how long it was and no thought on what the next contraction would be like. When I started feeling a pressure/pushing sensation, however, I thought - hey! Maybe I'm nearing the end! And we got up to get my cervix checked which was around Wednesday afternoon. 

I was, however, unprepared to hear the next lovely piece of information. I was...90% thinned and 4 cm dilated. I looked at her in disbelief. Are you serious?!?!? The pushing I felt was because my little baby was sunny side up and pressing on the wrong part of my cervix. He was not really going to be a help in getting labor progressing because of his position. The main problem, however, was not that I wasn't feeling safe or relaxing or totally committed, but my body was just not responding physically to these contractions. My midwife explained that she saw me doing all that good work, but my body just wasn't responding to the more natural contractions, so we would need to move to Pitocin to get things moving. I agreed and at that point after moving back to the shower to just wash away the disappointment and keep my focus on my relaxation and breathing. As much as I had learned about natural labor progression through hypnobirthing and my childbirth classes through Birth Partners, they were helping me much more with understanding and surrendering to the fact that my labor was not progressing normally. I focused on my mantra; patience, trust and acceptance. And I knew that I had to listen to my body, work with my body, and stay in control of my emotions. Amy and Mike were by my side every step; Elise (the second shift from my midwife practice) was so calming and helpful that I continued to feel safe and empowered. 

I said goodbye to my friend, the shower, and got hooked up to the IV for Pitocin. I logically knew that these contractions were supposed to be much more painful than normal ones, but I didn't allow myself to even go there. I stayed with my breathing and in the moment. I suddenly heard my body express how tired, mentally and physically I was. I had not slept since Monday night and had been in labor for almost 24 hours at this point. I started talking to my doula about getting the milder narcotic with benadryl that let you sleep for a little while. I knew if I had any hope of getting through this labor empowered, strong and confident, I would need energy and rest. Mike had gone to get something to eat, so Amy called in my midwife and we talked about it. We talked about my reasoning - that I had been in labor so long with no sleep and to hear that I wasn't progressing was disappointing. I agreed, but added that I was prepared to go the long haul. But I had to listen to my body which said I needed rest. We went through the risks to me and Wilson with taking the narcotic, as well as the benefits. Elise reminded me that I had, during my whole pregnancy, made Mike a huge part of my decision-making process and asked if I wanted to wait for him to come back. I agreed, asked Amy to call him and joked that he had better agree with me if he knew what was good for him! Of course, he did; and they brought me the narcotic and benadryl and I drifted off into 2 hours of sleep, interrupted by stronger Pitocin contractions, but I was able to mentally view them from a distance. I would feel them, but be able to release completely into them and relax. Again, I was using my hypnobirthing techniques, combined with medical interventions. I felt calm and confident with my decision.

Then the narcotic stopped working. But, I was rested and felt I had more energy. The surges/contractions were definitely much more intense, but again, with Amy and Mike's support, as well as all I had learned, I visualized, relaxed and stayed in the moment. I had no sense of time at all, just the knowledge of the surge coming, peaking, leaving like an ocean wave. Then I would do my restful breathing in the rest, thankful for how nature gave me a resting period to refresh. After several more hours into late Wednesday night/Thursday morning, I received another shot of the narcotic/benadryl and got about a half an hour of sleep. Unfortunately, I woke up to the worst contraction I had ever felt with no focus or presence of mind. I cried out and reached for Mike's hand - squeezing the crap out of it. Amy helped me get my breathing under control, but it took every ounce of strength I had not to lose it. They had me up to the highest possible legal dose of Pitocin because I was still not progressing and the contractions (I can no longer refer to them as surges because there was nothing natural about them) felt about 100 times as intense and like someone was ripping my uterus out of my body. Elise came in and started tracing small circles on the back of my right hand, Mike was holding onto my left hand and Amy rubbed and applied pressure to my feet. I told them all that what they were doing was so helping me, so unfortunately they were not allowed to stop. To get through these, I did not just do hypnobirthing breaths, I went into a full-on trance. I released completely into each, stayed in the present, breathed through each one and tried to relax every part of my body. I found myself spiraling again and entered what I can only call a completely amnesiac state. As intensely as one contraction would come, after it I would have no memory of it. I was able to sit on the toilet for awhile, which helped. Amy was so supportive and helped me, with Mike's support, get into a position every time that was so comforting. We slowly moved back to the bed and I could feel again myself starting to fade. My body didn't have much energy left and it was telling me that it couldn't take much more of these contractions, physically and mentally. During a resting period, I started talking to Mike about getting the epidural. He reminded me of the transition time where some women just want to give up and not be there anymore - run away from it all. He reminded me that I didn't want the epidural before and just wanted to make sure I made a decision I would be happy with. I agreed that we should check my progression, but I told him I was so in touch with my body at this point that I knew it was not running away, it was my body telling me it was suffering and needed help. We went through the risks and benefits again (during my breaks) and then was checked by Elise. I was now 5 cm dilated and 100% thinned; Wilson was at -1. I was right; I was not in transition. So in the early hours of Thursday, after about 36 hours of labor, I got the epidural. I knew that while I waited for them to come, I could not lose my focus. I went back into the trance and nearly broke Mike's hand during each contraction. Before I knew it, they were there and ready to put in my epidural. I knew it was such the right decision because my body took to it easily, I fell into the nurse's arms, curved completely perfectly, felt no pain from the needle and was done in literally 5 minutes. The relief came slowly at first, then quickly. I smiled, called my mother so she didn't call the police wondering what was going on in my labor and then slept blissfully. 

The next midwife shift came on, Debbie, and she rechecked me. I was now 7 cm dilated. I had to keep changing positions because the medicine would pool and I had to be monitored continually. Eventually they went to internal monitors because at one point, Wilson's heart rate dipped quite low during a contraction. Debbie went inside and stroked his head, which apparently he liked because he regulated immediately. They reassured me that everything was ok with him, however; and I, still being calm and confident said, "I know. I can feel him. These are just strong contractions for him too." I kept listening to my body, using my breathing and relaxation imagery, and getting into different positions that I felt intuitively would help. They gave me an infusion of amniotic fluid so that Wilson would be more comfortable and that I would have more time to progress. Before I knew it, late Thursday morning, I was 9 cm dilated. As the sensations started to get stronger, I knew I would need all my energy for my pushing; I asked to get one last booster for my epidural so I could get my rest and conserve. It helped me sleep a bit more, then I woke ready to push. Unfortunately, my body wasn't. It was 5 hours later and I was still 9 cm dilated. Debbie sat down and let us know that a c-section may be a reality. I had now gone 44 hours into labor, was on the highest possible dose of Pitocin and she was concerned about my ability to push after that long of a labor. We talked about how both Wilson and I were fine right now, but it may come to a c section if his heart rate was to plummet. Mike and I talked about it; that if it had to happen, we sure had tried hard and my midwives had given me every possibility to not have one. We decided that it would be ok no matter what, but I still had more time. I saw the sadness on Mike's face; I knew he wanted this vaginal birth for me as much as I did, especially since I had gone so far already. So, I got serious. I asked the nurses if I could lay on my right side; I wanted to make sure Wilson's heart rate was ok if I was on that side. My body told me that this was the side I needed to be on. So I went. I focused my breathing and visualizations, using my hypnobirthing and then my spiritual shamanic meditations as well. I connected to Wilson and asked him to help me fully dilate and come down. Before long, I was feeling this ridiculous urge to push. I could not stop it and my body was pushing on its own. Debbie came back in and checked me, saying she wasn't sure anything could happen this fast, so not to get disappointed. But there I was fully dilated, effaced, Wilson was at 0 and I was ready to push.

Amy and I talked about what I would do with pushing; the technique of it and she asked me to think of a motivation. A time where I had accomplished something by pure force of effort; where I had to work hard and despite the odds, I made it. I practiced the breathing and pushing technique and then thought of all of the times in my life that I had "made it" despite the odds. When Amy asked me what it was that I was thinking of, I laughed. "My whole life" I said. Nothing has come easy to me, but I can persevere no matter what.  I believe in myself and I get a strong focus, then I just do it. I looked at her and smiled; I know I can do this.

Before pushing, some things blended together; Mike looking at me with love, telling me I was doing such a good job; Mike crying for me, Amy using loving touch to calm me, Amy or Mike bringing me water to drink from a straw, hearing the soft whispers of those loving hands around me, feeling the touch of Mike or Amy or one of my midwives, thoughts of Wilson, looking at the picture of my dogs, seeing the smiling faces of my helpers as I would make jokes about my complete lack of modesty and the ridiculousness of this situation, texting my blessingway buddies updates and seeing all the texts from people giving me their prayers, energy and support. I have no idea when these things happened, I just remember them and how much comfort they brought me.

I asked Mike to start my playlist of "Wilson Power Birth", a collection of inspiring dance songs that reminded me to never give up - several nurses came into the room dancing throughout the day, which made me smile despite the circumstances. When we started pushing, it took me a little bit to figure it out, but once I did, I was so focused and pushed with my entire body. Amy kept reminding me to send the energy down, not to keep it in my face, which was not easy to do. I adjusted each time, found the place to push and pushed with all my might. Sometimes I got long breaks, sometimes I would have to push right after pushing before. Either way, I treated each one as a new push. I never thought about the time, just again, stayed in the present. I didn't focus on being tired; I was getting my vaginal birth and I knew I would get through it. I focused my breathing and did lots of cleansing breaths and relaxation breaths when I could. I was told I was a great "pusher" despite the epidural, but Wilson was posterior so he was making it hard for me to make progress. Debbie told me if he was in the right position, I would have had him already, which was just about an hour of pushing. I didn't know it at the time, but I pushed for almost 5 hours. I pulled my IV out by accident at one point and kept pushing even though they were repairing it at the same time. Each time, Mike, Amy or one of the nurses would hold my legs for me, encouraging me and telling me how great I was doing. I'm not one for cheerleading, but it felt great! Mike looked at me a few times with tears in his eyes; he could see the top of Wilson's head. 

At one point, Deb asked me how I felt about a vaccuum if I continued to need help. I just laughed; "At this point, I've learned not to close my mind to anything." She laughed and responded, "Let's see how you do on these next few pushes." Amy looked at me and said, "Misty, can you focus on being a bear? Be that mother bear and just push." I thought and said, "I can do that. I can do this." On the next push, I pushed him around the bend and made such progress that Debbie started putting on the scrubs. "Look what I'm doing!" She said. As happy as I was, the sensation of a baby in your vagina is not a pleasant one, go figure. It got more and more uncomfortable and when his head started to crown, I let out a little whimper and started to shake my head 'no'. Amy reminded me of how strong I was and that I could do this. Debbie said that it was nice to know I was human since she hadn't seen me waiver through this whole labor, but knew that I could do it too. I looked at the ceiling and said "I can do this!!!" I let out one more push, and his head was fully crowning. I let go and just took a breath. The next part was a little insane, as Mike said with my last push he could see Wilson's face; Mike let out a cry, looked at me, then heard an "eek" as he turned around to see Wilson "flying" out of me into a surprised midwife's arms. To me, I felt the sensation of crowning, then a huge release as it felt like he surfed a wave out of me.

He was on my belly in an instant and Mike was beside me crying. I let out a huge breath of relief and held my little Wilson on my belly as he cried. I talked to him, thanking the universe, my providers and all my teachers through my pregnancy for helping me to not only survive this labor, but to feel spiritually engaged, empowered, in control and ultimately, incredibly proud for bringing little Wilson into this world. It may have taken a year to get pregnant, 40 1/2 weeks of pregnancy with complications at the end, 50 hours of labor, 38 hours of heavy labor after my water broke, 5 hours of pushing and a second degree tear (thanks to Wilson's explosive entry), but I was here, with the little boy I dreamed of, my amazing husband and providers that will always be in my heart. I barely noticed the stitching, the placental delivery or anything else that happened after that. I saw Mike cut the cord and then could pull my little man to my chest. We hugged, cried and rejoiced.  Wilson Nicholas Ginicola was born 9:42 on August 16th, 2012, weighing 8 pounds and measuring 20 3/4 inches tall and brought with him the spiritual experience I wanted during birth.

The Waiting Game

So, it's August 11th. One day before my "guess" date. I'm really in no hurry to start labor, although I'm very excited to meet little Mr. Wilson. However, in these late stages of pregnancy I have developed something called "emotionally reactive blood pressure", which essentially means that strong emotions, like fear of birth, anxiety, anticipation - I've noticed even happiness - make my blood pressure go up temporarily until I calm down and bring it back down. It never goes up into really high danger ranges, but it's enough to cause a bit of concern (150/100). Thanks to my providers, who have been so patient with me, and my BFF and counselor-colleague Jess, who gave me lots of tools to avoid triggers and recover my calm more quickly, I've been able to bounce back pretty quickly. My providers, Women's Health Associates, have been amazing at giving me the medical knowledge and traditional medical advice, combined with their expertise as midwives and the risks involved in the medical interventions. They then leave the decision up to me, with, of course, all of the consents involved in that process. I have no doubt if I was with my old practice, I would have had an induction and a c-section already, despite the fact that Wilson and I are both doing well.

But, I do find myself in a bit of a quandary. Do I wait for labor to occur naturally with the risk of my momentarily higher blood pressure possibly putting us at risk or do I go for chemical induction which puts me at a higher risk for lots of other things, including blood pressure issues? So far, all of Wilson's non-stress tests (listening to his heart beat and movements) have been perfect; he's a very healthy little trooper. My blood pressure initially goes up, now especially when I have to measure it, then goes back down again. I have been tested multiple times and have no signs of preeclampsia, so currently, I feel that we are at little risk. So, I've been monitoring my BP at home and attempting lots of natural induction methods. 

But this brings up the first of many, I am sure, times when, as a parent, we feel so pressured to make the right decision for our child. Am I making the right decision? I'm trusting my intuition that says, right now, yes I am. I'm giving Wilson and my body the chance to progress naturally, considering all the risks from both non-intervention and intervention. But I can definitely see how vulnerable you feel as a parent to advice from well-meaning professionals (and non-professionals) to make a choice that you may intuitively feel is not necessary, and in the end, may be a poorer choice. Problem is, no one can tell you which choice is the poorer choice! So, at the moment, I know we are safe and healthy and have to take one day at a time. But, I definitely feel the push to get this little baby out. 

I'm definitely progressing; I'm 3 cm dilated - thanks to 2 not-so-comfortable cervical manipulations by my providers; I've lost my mucous plug (so gross - they need a new name for that!) and had bloody show (also needs a new name), both signs labor is coming closer. I'm having lots of Braxton Hicks contractions and I believe Wilson moved lower last night; his knee is no longer shoving into the top of my uterus, but somewhere around my belly button. I know this little guy has plans of his own and I'm going to trust him. If our birth journey has to take a different route, given that I've exhausted all the other possible options and it makes good sense to induce, I'm fine with that. But this waiting game is tough!

As Mike and I sat on the beach together a few days ago, we talked about how long this journey has really been. We reflected on trying to get pregnant; how that waiting game was so frustrating and upsetting. Our eyes were on one goal - getting pregnant; then it would all be "ok!". But getting pregnant was just the beginning; it opened up LOTS more issues, concerns and worries we didn't even think about. I know that this is the same thing. In a few weeks, this experience now will be a distant memory as I hold little Wilson and will then worry about LOTS more issues and potential problems! That did not comfort Mike, by the way. 

No matter what, we are so blessed to be here right now. I'm spending our last "alone" days with my favorite partner in crime - Mike, I have so many supportive friends and family members, I'm getting lots of sleep and rest and I'm enjoying these last few days of feeling Wilson inside my belly, like I will never feel him again. No matter what turn these next few days/weeks take, I know that if I stick with my intuition, trust my body, trust and listen to my care providers and take each day at a time, we will look back at this journey with fondness, never feeling out of control or negative about it. But, I'm still hoping little Wilson is as anxious to meet us as we are to meet him and decides to come soon!  

Blood Pressure Friday!

So I got to experience some interesting things today - both good and bad, but all educational! I went into the midwives' office today with one thing on my mind, "I wonder how my blood pressure will be?" I had some swelling this week and last week my first reading was a little higher than normal for me, but the second reading was normal. My whole family has high blood pressure (like really, my  whole family, but I have never had a problem) and I kept hearing people's voices in my head saying "Be careful of preeclampsia!". So, I got weighed (never helps your blood pressure) and then settled in for my blood pressure reading, which came back high: 140/100. Since my blood pressure is always so good, I knew, before my midwife even came in, this was going to be an issue. I looked at Mike and all of the knowledge I had about blood pressure and preeclampsia came rushing back in. I have always said that I am giving up control over my birth journey and whatever comes will come, but I didn't particularly want it tested right now!

My midwife was great - she came in, we listened to the baby, she made me laugh, then we went back to her office where we talked a lot about other stuff (what to expect with labor and delivery and what they do during the process as midwives), then went back into the exam room for round number 2 of my blood pressure reading. Now, I know how to relax my body; I've been practicing yoga and meditation for years. So I just relaxed and let her take it 3 more times. Unfortunately, my blood pressure went up to 160/100 - not the direction I was hoping! I remembered that my mother has reactive blood pressure, so when she gets nervous, her BP spikes and the doctors have to wait awhile to take it. I tried to go to my happy place, but I just couldn't shut my brain off. So the midwife spent another 20 minutes talking to me about what this meant and didn't mean. She was so awesome and calm; this meant we have to do some further testing, but doesn't necessarily mean I had preeclampsia. She told me about all the options and what each option would mean. She reassured me that they would do nothing without thinking about the balance of all risks; the risks of induction versus the risks of the high blood pressure. She also said if I was having reactive blood pressure, we would see it  in the tests; hypertension and preeclampsia don't respond to time and relaxation. She assured me I would be part of this discussion at all times and the worst case scenario isn't that bad because I'm already 39 weeks pregnant. Even though I was freaking out inside, I was so impressed by how awesome these midwives are. I trusted them implicitly at this point.

I went home, ate some Fiber O's and a banana, then headed to the hospital with Mike. We parked, went and settled in for lots of tests. I did my urine test, then they gave me a hep lock in case I needed medication and took LOTS of blood, put the belt around my belly so they could monitor the baby and then took my blood pressure. At this point, it was up to 177/100 - scary, but understandable since I hate IVs and hospitals, in general. So they put the cuff on me to take readings every 10 minutes, I settled back to listen to Wilson's heartbeat and Mike got me my iPod with my hypnobirthing and hypnobabies relaxations, as well as my meditation music playlist I have already prepared for Wilson's birth. Mike gave me massages, hugs, kisses and just all-around support as I tried to relax.

I listened to my first meditation, which focuses on relaxing your body and your mind, as well as letting go of control of whatever situation you are in - I slipped into relaxation really quickly and really embraced that idea: I was getting tested here (literally and figuratively). I didn't know what was going to happen or which way my birth journey might go from here, but I needed for my mind to let go of the need to know, for me to stop worrying and just let what is going to be, be.  As I was in my relaxation, my nurse came in and was surprised at my reading; she said, "Whatever you are doing, keep doing it! You're blood pressure is way down!" So I did. After getting it way down initially, I noticed a few things with the readings. Every time I thought about the reading or what the reading would mean, my BP would go up a little bit. Every time I relaxed my mind and released complete control and focused on Wilson, being calm and confident, it went way back down - finally settling around 130/78 - still a little high for me, but a huge difference from my earlier reading! All my urine and blood tests came back negative; no signs of high blood pressure or preeclampsia complications.

So, although I now have to do a 24-hour urine catch (how fun!) to make sure everything is ok, I look back at today and realize that 1) I got to practice going to the hospital, 2) I got to hear little Wilson's heartbeat for 2 hours today and to hear him get the hiccups!, 3) I got to practice my breathing and relaxation techniques and 4) I got to put my money where my mouth is. I really do believe that my birth journey will be what it is intended to be, but of course you always hope for the best case scenario. When I had a stumble today, I had the support of my husband, my awesome providers and the hospital staff who made me feel safe. I let go of control, let go of needing to know what would happen and released my anxiety. I was rewarded with my blood pressure going back down, but I now know that no matter would have happened or happens next, I can keep my calm, confidence and relaxed approach to the next turn in the bend of my birthing journey.