Prodromal Drama

So for the last four weeks or so, I have been experiencing "prodromal labor". Also known as early labor or false labor, it is essentially, early labor contractions that are, I can attest to, quite real, but go nowhere. Meaning that they vary from uncomfortable to intense; and although they can aid in labor progress (dilation and thinning of the cervix), it's not real labor and ends up stopping, only to come back again the next day or even within a few hours. Needless to say, weeks of on and off contractions can really make it difficult to do work, care for a toddler, clean the house, oh... do anything.

As I googled prodromal labor for the 50th time trying to find an answer to why I am experiencing this in a feeble attempt at feeling slightly informed or in control, I learned a few things. These contractions can be useful in getting a baby in position; one theory is that the contractions serve to push the baby into the correct position. And indeed, they did lessen when Waylon appeared to change positions. Another theory is that they are linked to second-time and later mothers as the uterus is more sensitive to oxytocin and "knows" what to do. But the most compelling theory I read was in a OB's blog, who noted that anecdotally, he saw this kind of labor in mothers whose babies appeared ready to be born, but whose mothers were not psychologically or emotionally ready. 

Understatement of the year, that theory. Although my common sense and my extensive college education would make it very clear how babies are born, I was not thinking that I would get pregnant right away. It took me 3 years to get pregnant with Wilson; it was literally hard work and we totally lost sight of the fact that that it only takes one sexual encounter to lead to pregnancy: we became those teenagers on 16 and pregnant believing stupid things (minus the ridiculously active fertility). Our lesson with Wilson was getting pregnant was difficult - a serious undertaking. When we decided to start trying again, my mother warned me that "it happens easier the second time around", so even though we were trying the first month, we skipped my ovulation time. Hey, practice makes perfect; and we were both a little gun-shy after having a difficult infant and toddler. But, this baby was ready to be conceived - my ovulation moved up a full week and a half and I got pregnant right out of the gate. This meant that instead of my beautiful calculations of having a 3 year old in preschool and an infant, I would now have two children under the age of 2. Awesome sauce.

So, I started off, not being too ready. Then, when the contractions started, one of the first thoughts that came into my mind was how much work I had left to do. This was literally my To Do List when prodromal labor started about a month ago:

• Buy and Install Stairway Gate
• Buy 2 white noise makers
• Secure Nursery Furniture with Dresser Straps
• Do spring cleaning
• Finish Waylon’s Nursery
• Birth Plan
• Buy Deck Gate
• Bring baby stuff down from attic
• Pack Hospital Bag
• Organize house
• Finish paying doula
• Send Postpartum Placenta Paperwork
• Call insurance – re: doula & pre-certification for Yale hospital/ send in Yale paperwork
• Newborn photos contract
• Reschedule Thursdays to Wednesdays for Appointments
• Take Mike’s Car In for Brakes
• Take My Car In for Service
• Return Carter’s
• Get Diaper Changer from Basement
• Clean & Organize Office
• Copy Course Content to Psychopharm Class for August
• Organize Portfolio Paperwork into one area
• GSA Schedule for 2014-2015
• Submit Teaching Book Proposal
• GSA Student Mentors & Orientation
• Get in all Paperwork for Licensure
• Multicultural Study
•             IRB
•             Create Online Survey
• CES Journal Reviewing
• Graduate Institute Course for Fall
• DSM-5 Presentation for UCONN in August
• Finish Multicultural Article
• Gender Role Study
•             IRB
•             Create Online Survey
•             Submit RA Paperwork
• CT-ALGBTIC
• CCA Multicultural Committee
  CACES Resources and Goal Setting
• Set Diversity Committee Events for Next Year
• Change Baby Signs Business Name & Do Taxes
• LGBQ & Religion Study
•             Finish Interviews
•             Do Thematic Analyses
• Finish all Technology Committee Tasks
• Finish Report for President’s Commission
• CACREP Mid Cycle Report
• CACREP Evaluation Report & Other Compliance Tasks
• LGBTQ+ Book Proposal
• Finish Grading for ALL Classes
• Religion & Counselor Ed Article
• Finish Mutt-i-grees Publication

Please note that one item on this list could be an immense task - like writing a 50 page report for the President's Commission or grading multiple papers and finals for 4 graduate level courses. Also, note that shit is crossed out. I actually DID everything on my list for home and work. 

However, that was not my only worry or anxiety when I started having contractions. My next thought was, "Oh God, Oh God, we are all hot messes, how can we add another one???" Let me explain.

My husband is normally detail oriented, anal, organized and perfectionistic. Fatherhood and parenting a difficult-tempered child took some of that out of him, but knowing that another baby was coming has made him a serious hot mess. He now was forgetful, distracted, half-listened to our conversations, broke things and lost things (like our toddler's shoes down the highway when he placed them on the car and then forgot to actually put them on when he got him in the carseat). Every morning he grated his ignition forgetting that he had already started the carstarter when he put the key in; and every night he desperately tried to get some gaming time in (while dodging flying objects from our toddler lodging random complaints of this activity which did not include him), full well knowing that any personal time he currently has is coming to an screeching halt as soon as Waylon appears. If you know Mike, you know that distraction and mistakes are NOT like him at all. Let's just say, I'm not used to being the stable one. He is anxious and anal; he usually, annoyingly, remembers everything that needs to be done and does it perfectly. But not, now; he's a hot, hot mess.

My son is a hotter mess. He is needy, demanding, high-maintenance - oh, and a toddler. He grabs at everything, eats a huge amount, still gets up at night, has emotional regulation issues up the wazoo, has NOT quite mastered being gentle and needs our 100%  full attention when he is awake. Wilson is stubborn and does things at his own pace. For example, he decided that he would like to use the potty. That was great and for 3 weeks, he had few mistakes and used the potty a lot. Then he decided, "eh, that was over-rated." And now, he hasn't used the potty in 2 weeks. Getting him to sit on it against his will would so not be worth it, as we have learned you don't force a difficult tempered child to do anything if you value your sanity. Wilson has a cold right now, so he's miserable, wiping his nose and face on everything in sight: me, Mike's pants as he's about to go to work, the dogs, the couch and the floor. He whines constantly and has no fear of repetition of his favorite things: every day we have to play Beyonce's Who Runs the World (Girls) and Katy Perry's Darkhorse repeatedly. Seriously. Back to Back, over and over. He asks for it in this pathetic whiny voice "Grrrrrllllsss...." and then "Keeeeeettttty". Although his tantrums have gotten better, he still throws himself on the floor dramatically, as I said in a previous blog, akin to a Spanish soap opera. We've done everything we can think of in preparing him for a little brother, but how my little hot mess will actually do with a new brother is a little scary to think about.

And then there's me. I may seem that I have my ducks in a row - mostly because somehow I do maintain productivity at work, but really I'm a bigger hot mess. I'm HORRIBLE with money and finances; and while I maintain focus at work, I leave laundry piles in the bedroom, dishes in the sink, trash 2 feet from the actual trash in the kitchen as I'm horribly distracted at home. With Wilson, I found a way to mostly balance work and home - something I was very proud of - but couldn't figure how to balance anything else - like a social life, eating healthy, spiritual needs or working out. I consider myself a very resilient person, but weird shit happens to me all the time. Like a 50-hour labor with Wilson. Random illnesses that no other person has heard of. I got the swine flu when it was on the decline. I have vaccine reactions. I have a genetic condition called hypermobile joints, meaning I'm mostly double-jointed and injure myself when I sleep and especially when I'm pregnant and have the hormone Relaxin, which further relaxes my ligaments and joints (i.e., I literally throw a hip out every night when I sleep). I have prodromal labor. I also think a lot about how I had Postpartum Depression after I had Wilson. How am I going to survive a toddler AND a newborn with my sanity intact? Being in the third trimester, I'm the biggest hot mess of all: I sometimes can barely move (which my toddler takes full advantage of), have indigestion, insomnia, random hip-out, issues rolling over, distractability, forgetfulness, crave bucketloads of sweets, drink gallons of water a day and feel like something in between a teapot and a cooked turkey. 

So, are we ready? No. But, without the definitive illusion that you have when you believe you are "ready" for your first child, no one could ever be really ready for a second child. You know what it will be like at first - the lack of sleep, the loss of identity, the things you weren't expecting, the difficulties you face healing from childbirth, all the things you cannot control... But, as I sit here tonight, I also reflect on all the things we can accomplish as a family and individually. Mike's sanity will return, he really is an epic father and his love for Wilson will soon be his love for Waylon as well. Wilson will be an excellent big brother - he wants to help, he loves babies and he really is the sweetest boy I've ever known. And I'll figure it out - just like I found a way to balance things with Wilson, I'll figure out my life again with 2 children. And together, we love each other and are capable of great things - I mean, look at that list - we did all that in 3 weeks, as hot messes with me having contractions. And we do have help - our close friends Jess and Joe, some awesome childcare help and family members who are willing to come to help us transition (thanks, Mom!). 

So, I'm making it official. Universe, Waylon, body: I'M READY. That's right, bring it on. Labor, birth, fourth trimester, mother of multiple children. LET'S DO IT. Aaaaaannnnnd here comes a contraction.

Parenting a Difficult-Tempered Toddler...

So, as many of you already know, my son has difficult temperament. I've talked multiple times about what this is like when he was an infant. But, as crazy as it seems, he's not a baby anymore; he's a few months shy of being 2 years old and is full force into toddler mode. 

Parenting a toddler, under the best circumstances, is not for the faint of heart. It's exhausting and simply put, brutal. They move too fast, have limited emotional and social skills and are all about testing boundaries. And that's when they have easy temperaments...

So I've had people tell me before that they hate the phrase "difficult temperament" because it seems to cast a negative cloud on the child. I've also had people tell me that they didn't quite understand what difficult temperament was and how it couldn't easily be modified. And I do get how it's not easy to picture or to understand when you have never had a difficult tempered child before. I am a developmental psychologist and I did not fully understand before having Wilson. So I always say the same thing, "Come over for a day and you'll get it." 

Because this is what a day looks like: Wilson wakes up at 6 a.m., smiling and talking. Mike gets him up and attempts to get him changed and dressed in between him lunging at the lotion/butt paste, frantically pushing buttons on the stereo when you are throwing out his diaper, running towards and attempting to open the closet, throwing his pillow, dancing and giggling. He comes downstairs, drinks his juice and gets some breakfast - well at least a little before throwing the rest to the dogs or racing towards the trash (as we scream NO!) to throw it haphazardly in the general direction of the trash, causing us to clean up a mess. While our backs are turned, he is opening the snack drawer (neatly and easily opening the child lock) to get more food with which to eat/ throw to the dogs/ throw out. The next few hours or so he races around, as we remind him to be nice to the dogs, not to injure himself, not to grab things he can't have, stop opening the dishwasher to stand on the door and push the buttons on the toaster oven, don't throw that, be gentle, get out of the silverware drawer, stop trying to open the door, where did you get that fork?, get off the table, don't kick the dog, stop throwing your food, get out of the dishwasher again, where's your juice cup?, stop hanging on the baby gate, don't climb the banister, don't stand on that, get out of the fridge... it goes on. And it's endless. ALL DAY LONG. This in a house which is so well gated and child-proofed it could function as a maximum security toddler prison. Our chairs are bungeed together because he was taking them out and pushing them through the house in order to reach outlets, light switches, ipads and computers an anything else he shouldn't have. Gates protect the television area with over a 2 foot clearance from the gate because he uses tools to jab at the buttons on the television, cable box and receiver. The dog food and water is behind our office gate (which has a similar clearance) and which he lodges his daily complaints by throwing things at us when we sit there without him for 5 seconds. There are baby locks everywhere and every door knob has a baby proof covering. If a door or a lock is insecure for 5 seconds, he shows up immediately, like he has a telepathic connection to it, and raids it. He breaks something literally everyday: a toy, one of our possessions, part of the house... Sometimes all of the "no!'s", boundary setting and mommy/daddy blocking get to him and he collapses into a heap on the floor, lip-quiver and all. He whines pretty much all day long, crying frequently even over things like "my toy won't do what I want it to", where he yells at his toy, cries, throws it and falls in a dramatic spanish-soap-opera-esque heap on the floor. The mental and physical effort that it takes to keep this kid alive, be responsive, be empathic, teach him patiently and peacefully is more than I have expended getting a doctoral degree and tenure as an Associate Professor combined.

When it is time for his nap, I seriously rejoice. Seriously. It's one of my favorite parts of the day. After the initial whining, getting his bottle ready (as he attempts to grab everything in the fridge), walk up the stairs where he stops to try to pull things out of the trash, get at the recycling, fall off the stairs, then suddenly run into the bathroom and attempt to lock me out, test every gate upstairs, run away giggling as I try to corral him into his bedroom, whining as I change his diaper, pushing the buttons frantically on his white noise machine until I pick him up and sit in the rocking chair, where pure bliss occurs. He snuggles in quietly with me and his blanket, drinks his bottle and goes to sleep. I lay him in his crib and he sleeps for 2 to 3 hours. I shower, go to the bathroom, sometimes sleep, do work and sometimes just sit in a chair comatose. Oh and by the way, that was just the first part of the day, which was just 3 hours. We then have the afternoon to contend with. He requires constant attention (just to survive), is a complete drama queen, is only capable of playing alone for a maximum of 10 minutes (and that's if you are lucky), has no emotional regulation skills and a seemingly endless supply of energy and motivation.

So yes, I think difficult is a great term for that temperament. Or maybe 'freaking horrific', 'horrendously exhausting' or 'perfect-birth-control-because-you-will-never-want-to-procreate-again' (yes, we did have a moment of insanity and now we will be adding another to our brood - God help us). Any of those would work. And in terms of changing his behavior? Believe it or not, we have made HUGE strides. We went through a biting phase, a pinching phase, an extreme tantrum phase - as challenging as he is, he improves almost every day. We are working now on throwing and hitting, which is slowly but surely improving. We are consistent with him, always responsive, we calmly say no, we also have yelled when we feel appropriate, we keep boundaries and always intervene. What we've learned by parenting a difficult toddler is less about what we need to do (because we know what we are supposed to do), but more about how to support each other to stay positive and sane and to remember the absolutely amazing thing about difficult children and Wilson, in particular.

See, the reason 'difficult' children are difficult is because they are very sensitive. He, like all difficult-tempered children, need routine. He has to maintain a very rigid schedule at home because if we deviate in any way, he won't nap, he is cranky and cannot regulate for the rest of the day. Wilson is detail-oriented and sensitive, physically and emotionally. He is affectionate and loving, hugging his stuffed animals, coming to lay his head on my leg when he is having a rough time coping, and gently lays his head on the dogs when he pets them. Wilson is very bright - beyond his chronological age. He is contemplative, has an impeccable memory, focuses intently on things and figures things out that are far beyond on his year and a half-life. He is persistent; he knows what he wants and he is insistent about achieving that goal. He is incredibly social; he loves other children and is incredibly astute in that he realizes he needs to be reserved around people that do not know him well (he acts like an angel with most other people for a few weeks at least). He has a strong personality and is completely authentic with his emotions, expressing them to the fullest. He loves music, which helps him be in the moment, stay calm and feel joy. He has his favorite things, of which he never tires and easily communicates that he is happy to experience them OVER AND OVER. Despite being potentially the crappiest infant sleeper ever, he is now a good sleeper, still getting up once a night a few times a week; but he sleeps from 6:30 p.m. to 6 a.m. and puts himself to sleep after his bottle and a snuggle. He is starting to communicate better and he desperately wants to do what adults do, meaning he loves to help with throwing things out, cleaning the house, vacuuming, washing dishes, putting things back where they belong and re-locking the safety latches he has outsmarted.

Bottom line: the same things that make these children annoying toddlers will make them successful and amazing adults. And that's the challenge: you don't want to crush their spirit or make them feel shame for being who they are - even when it is annoying, frustrating and exhausting. You want them to be who they are and follow social boundaries and learn emotional skills to further develop their resiliency and strength. But it's freaking hard. And that is why I am writing this blog tonight; after a long day where he broke a kitchen drawer, almost stabbed me with a fork, tried to kick the dogs multiple times, threw food at dinner (causing him to have to leave the table), hit me for taking away things he wanted but could not have, spilled water all over the floor, and that is in addition to the normal high maintenance needs throughout the day, I want all those parents who parent this rare (less than 5% of children) child who befuddles others and makes you question your own patience, sanity and parenting ability. You are not alone. And I do hear that it gets better.

I have read consistent accounts in the research that difficult-tempered children turn a huge corner around age 3, making the consistent, supportive approach worth all of that time and energy. And to that, my husband and I, after putting him to bed, hug each other, hanging onto each other for physical and emotional support, sigh and say, "Is he almost 3 yet?" It's a very good thing that he is cute.