Avoiding Behavioral Problems: Keeping the Tots Busy

Now that Wilson has been significantly more cooperative after the implementation of calm down corner, we now have invested in quiet table activities that are sensory-based and can keep Wilson's attention, especially when we need to be doing other things. 

The key to the success of these activities are that they are kept in a separate area from the other toys; we pull down one at a time and work with it for a finite amount of time before we clean it up and move on to something else. When he starts to get upset, I will suggest calming down or playing with a sensory toy and he immediately stops. He also independently asks me to get a toy down if he wants to play with it as well. If your child is younger or has limited verbal abilities, it can help to use pictures of the toys so that they can point or bring you a picture of what they want. 

Along with the readily available calm down box, one of our first toys on our sensory bookshelf is a rice box. Easy to make and super fun for the kids. I took a plastic shoe box and filled it with rice (or couscous if you want to make it feel like sand) and put in a few cups and sea creatures. You can create different colors or make it into a bin for longer play. Either way, you will need an old sheet or blanket to put underneath the play area because it can get messy!

Our second toy on the shelf is play-doh. It is sensory-based, lots of fun and has interactive toys. I also purchased some safety scissors that he can use to cut the play-doh, since he loves interacting with the play-doh and cutting. It helps keep them focused, stimulates the tactile and visual senses. This is one of Wilson's favorites.

We also have several sound puzzles. These make loud noises when you put the piece in. These help develop focus, fine motor skills and keep the kids quiet and engaged. Wilson particularly likes the vehicle puzzle, but Melissa & Doug have several versions.

Another of Wil's favorite sensory toys is putty. It's stretchy and an interesting feeling; it helps focus, ground and keeps interest as it excites the tactile senses. Also, we hide objects (like pennies) in it so that we can dig through it to find them, then hide them again. This is a great calm-down toy as well (helpful when they are feeling over-stimulated, anxious or upset).

We also have a plastic box full of ultra-washable markers, colored pencils, crayons, safety scissors, a jumbo coloring pad, drawing paper and construction paper for Wilson to use to express his creative side. Another big favorite. 

 Paint with water books are fun, non-messy and help access that creative side. We have a few of these along with some preschool paintbrushes. Add water in a small cup and fun time begins!

Potato heads are also a big hit with Wilson; and they require quiet, focused concentration and play.

We have two of these skills boards that help keep him engaged and work on fine motor skills. These ones they usually need some help with at first, so it's not a completely independent activity.

Another activity that he likes is fingerpainting. We have a giant pad, washable fingerpaint colors and a smock to protect his clothes. We pour the paints on a paper plate and cover the table and let him go to town on the paper. He's actually much more cautious and deliberate with this activity than I would have thought. It helps to focus him, stimulate tactile senses and feed his creative side.

Melissa and Doug (who I love, by the way) have various reusable sticker pads which can help create lots of fun for little ones to create scenes -- and again -- help focus and calm, which is the key for all of these activities.

Magnetic dress up play helps develop creativity, focus and fine motor skills. I love this set for Wilson; the only thing that could be better is if Melissa and Doug had equally interesting dress up for a girl doll. I was a little miffed that she doesn't get superhero and fireman; she gets pink clothes, ballerina gear and princess dresses. Not cool, but that is another blog altogether...

Lacing beads are also a great activity. They require fine motor skills, focus, calm and are a great quiet table activity. Wilson loves the challenge of these and keeps going until all the beads are on the string. 

Peg boards are another tool that I got from the Occupational Therapist. They are fun, sensory-based, good learning tools and keep their attention and focus. A nice toy to take for travel as well - if you are planning on dining out, etc.

Sorting puzzles are helpful, calming, help with fine motor skills and are learning activities at the same time. There are a wide variety of these puzzles available - different varieties of the sorting puzzle are available at many locations -- just remember the key is keeping it special and only played with when requested.

Kinetic sand kits are amazing. The feeling of kinetic sand is a crazy sensory experience. Then playing with this in an easy, non-messy, creative way is incredibly engaging for little ones (I love these too!).

This pounding bench is the toddler equivalent to a punching bag. Great for getting out frustration and finding a way to giggle - even when you are feeling mad.

Wilson LOVES cutting things - probably because as a toddler, he is never allowed to touch knives, but sees us cut things all the time. This kit gives them the opportunity to feel like they are doing a big person activity, while working on fine motor skills. They may need help with this at first as they learn how to hold the wooden knife and push it between the food parts (which are held together by velcro).

This company has a few kits which are nice to take with you for travel - particularly eating out. I find when we are waiting for our meal, Wilson gets the most agitated, but keep him busy and he's laughing, sweet and engaged.

These toys, in addition to the calm down kit, have been a lifesaver. These are giving Wilson a positive outlet for all of his energy, help with calming down, a learning tool and a developmentally-based skill-builders! I love the positivity of these sensory methods because you are teaching them how to use external objects to help cope with strong emotions and building self-esteem. I always say that the best adult characteristics (i.e., being independent, knowing what you want, motivated, creative, investigatory, etc.) are the worst toddler characteristics for parents. Keeping a calm down and sensory activity library help you enjoy these toddler characteristics and keep your own sanity as an adult. Important things.

You can view my Pinterest board on sensory toys here: http://www.pinterest.com/mginicola/dealing-with-behavior-problems-in-toddlers/

Breaking My Silence: CIO

There has been so much discussion lately about cry it out (CIO) as a form of sleep training. Particularly since there have been a few recent studies suggesting it does no harm and it has been a topic of conversation, it has bothered me immensely - both personally and as a developmental psychologist. I usually keep my personal parenting practices on controversial topics to myself, but in a moment of inspiration this morning, I've decided that I'm going to share my personal and then my professional (which does differ) philosophy as a developmental psychologist about it. 

First, I do want to say that there is a difference between cry it out and staying in the room with them to support them - also there is a difference between fussing and crying. So if you leave them to work it out when they are "fussing" that is not CIO. Pure CIO, which I am going to comment on here, is the screaming and cries you hear which initially increase when the child realizes that no one is coming and then they gradually decrease until the cries are extinguished as a behavior. There has been some research on this topic and a great amount of discourse among psychologists on the topic.

Personally, I don't use cry it out for three main reasons: 

1. I don't believe that infants and toddlers cry for no reason. It is scientifically supported that infants cannot manipulate because they don't really have an understanding of separation of themselves from their caregiver (called theory of mind). So, if they are crying, they need something - a hug, food, a diaper change or they are sick. Some kids are incredibly needy at nighttime (I had one of these - he didn't sleep through the night until 1 year old and often got up 4 to 5 times every night - it sucked) leading us to think that something we are doing MUST be wrong. But some kids just suck at sleeping and need a huge amount of support. My second son already sleeps better than my oldest did at a year old. And I have done NOTHING differently.
2. Only a small portion of world cultures would even entertain the idea of CIO. Coming from a collectivist perspective, this idea of just letting your child cry to teach them something was literally foreign. You immediately respond to a baby's cries because something is wrong. CIO is pretty much an American (and some European countries) phenomenon. It speaks to the cultural ideal of independence which pervades these same countries - other countries are collectivist and interdependent. Coming from my perspective as a collectivist, I always thought it was incredibly weird that we expected babies (who were just inside of us) to be independent sleepers in a cold foreign environment without us almost immediately. Infants have a biological imperative to sleep next to mom for safety, security and attachment. It is reasonable to think that they need to time and support (which may take a year or more) to detach and sleep independently.
3. My Motto for parenting is "Everything I do teaches them something". It's an annoying reminder to myself that I can't just tell my child what is right; I have to look at what I am doing at all times and what message it sends. One of the largest lessons I want my children to learn from me is empathy - to be sensitive always to the needs of others, be kind and respectful. To me, ignoring cries, under any circumstances, doesn't teach this - it teaches that it is perfectly acceptable to ignore the pain of others in some situations. I personally can't imagine listening to a crying adult and saying, "I think you can handle this independently; I'm going to leave the room now so you can self-soothe..." Since empathy is my number one goal for my children, this is something I never want them to hear from my behavior. I sincerely believe the world would be a much better place if everyone had empathy for each other.

That's my biased personal philosophy. Now here's my professional opinion as a developmental psychologist.

1. It is highly doubtful that you can harm your child with a few days of cry it out given that they are over 6 months of age (some research suggest a year), have an easy temperament AND that this method does not pervade into the daytime. Children are incredibly resilient and outside of biological conditions, only sustained trauma can typically cause developmental harm and delays. Please note that I said easy temperament - you can absolutely harm children with slow to warm or difficult temperaments by not being responsive. Children who are slow to warm need an increased level of support due to an increased inborn anxiety. Ignoring them will INCREASE that anxiety that could reach threshold for a mental health disorder. When a child develops a mental health disorder like anxiety, it is more likely that they will have that disorder their entire life, will have a more severe form of the condition and will need more intensive treatment. A child with a difficult temperament has a decreased or completely lacking ability to self-regulate; this means that they CANNOT self-soothe. Ignoring them will only lead to them becoming more angry and potentially aggressive. Wilson unfortunately fell into that category, making the first 2 years of his life a freaking nightmare of sleep problems. There were some nights that I had to wake Mike up because I wanted to throw him down the stairs. Not kidding. Between the sleep deprivation, stress and difficulty trying to help a child with no self-soothing and sleep issues, I simply couldn't take it sometimes. But that is why it is so important to get support. When I got to that place, I would set him back down, run and get Mike and say, "Tag, you're it. Peace. I'm out."
2. I don't think that CIO is the best option for baby, but sometimes parents need a relief from the strictures of modern parenting without a community of support. Without the help of family, friends or a co-parent, you may have limited options. If your choice is no sleep and potentially becoming depressed because you have no support, I would say that CIO is a viable option. Because as a depressed caregiver, you are going to do more harm to attachment than CIO could (with an easy tempered baby). As a developmental psychologist, I would suggest safe co-sleeping first, however; since this usually helps mom sleep better, keeps the responsiveness there and is also used successfully in the vast number of cultures around the world.
3. It is important that parents understand this is NOT teaching "self-soothing". This is extinguishing a behavior, pure and simple. They learn that crying does not work to bring aid during the night. It does not teach what to do instead, so you could end up with a variety of outcomes - including increased anxiety, behavioral problems, insomnia and other sleep issues OR self-soothing. Easy children typically can self-soothe to begin with, so they just use that as their replacement behavior. So in other words again, temperament matters.

I think that this is such a controversial issue because in one extreme perspective, it causes harm and is neglectful. In another, it is the responsible way to make your child independent. Personally and professionally, I do not want any parent to feel judged for making a responsible decision about their child - and unfortunately these conversations usually go in that direction. When it comes to the utility of CIO, I would say, as any good psychologist would, that IT DEPENDS. It depends on temperament, your situation and your parenting philosophy. It also sucks to think that we could be doing something that has harmed our child, as the culture is constantly blaming caregivers - particularly mothers - for everything and expecting them to be perfect, leading to increase depression and anxiety among mothers. Honestly, these conversations make me long for the days where there was more daytime and nighttime community and family support for mothers. Which is why, at the end of the day, I always say, I trust that responsible parents make the right decisions for their own children - just follow your instincts!!

Calm Down Time

Since I spoke about our calm down box in my latest post, I figured I would write a quick post on our calm down box which has been very successful with Wilson thus far. I keep all his special activities in plastic shoe boxes. These used to hold my epic collection of hot shoes. Now, they hold toddler activities. Oh, how life has changed...

We bought a cheap bean bag for him to relax in if he likes during calm down time. It's comfy and meets some of his tactile and auditory sensory needs.

This book, part of a Toddler Tools series, is amazing. It is rhythmic, fun for kids to look at, describes emotions and cool-down techniques. It is developmentally appropriate and gives parent tips at the end as well. Wilson's favorite part is "One...Two...Three... I'm taking care of me!" I sit with Wilson during calm down time and offer support if he wants it. Usually, he likes me to read this book to him a few times. But sometimes, he looks through it himself and does his breathing on his own.

These puffer balls are great! You can squeeze them, feel them, touch them to your skin. Wilson likes to hold them to his neck and push them together. Also another sensory-based toy that helps refocus.

This is something even I love to play with - it's called a Tangle Jr. You can pull it, twist it and make different shapes and tangles. This one is a fuzzy one, which adds to the sensory experience.

I also have a stress ball in the kit to help alleviate frustration and get rid of angry energy. I taught him to "sqqquuuueeeeeeezzzzzze" it emphatically, using his whole body. He loves this, says 'squeeze it' very dramatically and giggles.

A calm down bottle made with sparklies and glitter glue (I bought mine because I'm not crafty!!) is a nice addition. It provides visual stimulation that visualize calming down. Wilson likes to shake it up, then watch it quietly as the glitter moves slowly.

I included a few "pop toobs". These are just plastic toys that you can pull apart and push together and they make noise. Gives some attention to the auditory senses and allows their hands to be busy with something. Pushing it together and then pulling it out again seems to be very satisfying for Wilson!

I put a few pinwheels in this kit. I have him take a deep breath in, then blow on the front of the pinwheel to make it twirl. He loves watching it and is taking important deep breaths meanwhile, which help him calm.

Some colorful feathers allow him some sensory tactile input, but also can be blown on to practice breathing as well!

I put some lavender oil on these silk flowers and taught him how to smell the flowers deeply through his nose, then let out a deep sigh. The lavender oil helps relaxation and he is doing deep cleansing breaths without knowing it!




My pinterest board on my Calm Down Corner has links on where I bought everything (very cheaply I might add!). After he is feeling better, we will pick up all the toys and put them back in the box. I keep it out of his reach, but he can ask for it anytime and I always offer it to him when he starts to get upset. It's amazing to watch him start to struggle with his emotions, then quickly run over to calm down time to reset and get control of his emotions: A bonding experience that is empowering for both of us with no power struggles.

 Follow Misty's board Calm Down Corner on Pinterest.

Mommyfessions

So, it's time I made some mommy confessions. Some of you know that I've been going through a tough time with Wilson. If you read my blog, you know that I talk about Wilson's "difficult" temperament (sometimes endlessly, I know). We knew from birth that Wilson was a bit different and had higher needs, to say the least. This is him at 4 months old.

Yes, that is him yelling at a toy. At 4 months old, he was MAD at a toy because it did not conform to his ways. He did not smile a lot during this time; never heard a giggle from him until he was a toddler. He's always had trouble regulating everything: eating, sleeping, his emotions, particularly his anger. It was cute when he was little; not so cute as a toddler.

Mommyfession #1: I did not enjoy spending time with my son.

In response to his high needs and difficult temperament, we've been patient, responsive and took a positive, parenting approach. Reinforcement and natural consequences. We swooned every time he did something great; if he was misusing something, he lost it if he didn't correct his behavior. If he did something wrong, we used correction, making him do it over again the right way. It's not that our positive parenting thing was perfect; believe me, we've yelled. We've said "NO!!" and "STOP" more times than we can count...in a day. But overall, we try using the positive way; instead of saying, "Don't put your hands there," we would say, "Keep your hands to yourself, please!" But our positive parenting became more "work" than our jobs. I would be exhausted by the end of the day because we were always "on". We were trying to phrase commands correctly and keep up with his boundless energy and limitless talent for pushing every boundary and finding trouble wherever he could. We were constantly chasing him. We lived in a fully gated prison-like environment because he had outsmarted all of our locks and gates. Mike had to take the handles off of the drawers in the kitchen because he would use them to climb up to get on the counter. He frantically pushed buttons, stole phones and keys, threw things, grabbed plugs, broke things. It never ended. Now, I want to be clear: we NEVER let him get away with anything. We were always right there, stopping him, making him do things over, correcting him, setting boundaries, taking things away. And our frustration of his desires was evident: he had over 20 full-blown tantrums a day. He kicked, he hit. He collapsed on the ground and threw his head onto the floor. He would even punch himself in the head because he got so angry and frustrated. The only way to avoid the misery was to keep him active and moving from activity to activity in a new place.

When I was pregnant in my third trimester, I just couldn't do this and thus suffered every day with Wilson and his endless emotional deregulation. After the baby, the only way Mike survived was to take him out pretty much all the time. His entire summer was spent running around to parks, the mall, grocery shopping and doing various errands to keep him occupied. But neither of us could watch both kids together for very long. Wilson would not cooperate in the slightest and it was too frustrating. Our days, from start to finish, were exhausting misery. We would split up our time with Wilson, tagging in the other parent when one parent frankly wanted to strangle him or have a dissociative fugue and abandon the whole family.

Don't get me wrong. There were moments of pure joy. Wilson has a great sense of humor, is creative, smart and LOVES electronics, music and water with such pure abandon. We loved him intensely, but over the summer, neither Mike nor I were eager to spend time with Wilson, which of course wracked us with guilt. We did not realize how difficult he actually was until we had Waylon. Way was calm, flexible and social. He slept well, was smiley and giggly. He was affectionate, sweet and loving. Waylon was like a self-cleaning oven that just liked to be held a lot. Wilson was like a oven that caught fire every time you looked at it. We found ourselves loving time with Waylon, less so with Wilson. More guilt.

When fall started to approach, we enlisted help to remain sane. We knew we needed a village to raise this kid, so we have a babysitter who takes him out for a few hours every morning and then comes back so that I give him his lunch and then put him down for a nap. Then we spent the nights together once Mike got home so we did not have to juggle Wilson and our newborn. But after 10 minutes at home in the afternoon, I would be looking at the clock to see when nap time was. More guilt.

Mommyfession #2: I had nothing left in my toolbelt.

I used all of my considerable toolbelt to help him learn to regulate his emotions and behavior. I have worked with children with special needs (autism, emotional disturbance, intellectual disability), massive behavioral disorders and mental health issues. I have an amazing toolbelt. I consult with parents on all sorts of problems for all different types of children at various ages. Successfully. But improvement with Wilson was slow and incremental. One step forward, then two steps back. Something would start to work, then stop. We did see progress though: his temper tantrums moved from being 30 minutes long to less than a minute. He stopped hitting, biting, pinching - all lovely things to go through as a parent. But in the end, he still had over 20 tantrums a day - over-reacting or breaking down at the slightest frustration.

I don't use corporal punishment, nor do I philosophically agree with punishment, based on years of research and what matched my own personality and style. Even so, we were so desperate we did dabble in time-out. Not only did it not work for him, he escalated. It amounted to 45 minutes of me holding him while he was screaming, crying hysterically and sweating profusely. There is some good research on why this does not work for some kids; apparently mine was one.

I have always believed in a scaffolding approach, which helped resolve his eating and sleeping issues. Basically, we looked at what he was able to do at that  moment. For example, he could not for the life of him, put himself to sleep. So I would rock him until he was asleep, which usually took 30 minutes. Then the next night, 28 minutes, then 26 minutes and so on. We finally got down to 2 minutes and he began liking to lay down by himself. Then I cut out the rocking and laid down by him for 10 minutes. Then 8 minutes, etc. Until he didn't need us anymore. So scaffolding believes in your child's needs (that they are real and sincere), meets them where they are at, and slowly detracts support as they become more independent. It is INCREDIBLY hard work, but it is a real investment. When it pays off, it is huge. Wilson now goes to bed happily at 7:30 p.m. after a book and being tucked in and gets up at 7 a.m. He often wakes up once - hungry or thirsty - in the middle of the night so we bring him up a bottle and hand it to him. He takes it and goes right back down in his bed. He typically takes 3 hour naps and goes down the same way. He rivals any other 2-year-old for how cooperative he is at bedtime and how much of a good sleeper he is now.

But, I had no idea how to do this approach with teaching him to self-regulate his emotions. I tried taking breaths, taking space, massage, support, etc. He still got frustrated and angry at the drop of a hat. He could not calm down when angry; and he lost all of his ability to speak and use his words. It was never that he was trying to be manipulative or trying to be a pain. I could see the pain in his eyes as he lost his words when he wanted something. How his "tantrums" were hurting him too. He was in so much pain and would hurt himself rather than us. I was sad for him. And felt horrible that I, as a Yale-trained developmental psychologist was out of ideas.

 Mommyfession #3: I needed help.

Since I'm in the field and was at a loss myself, it was time to get help. Connecticut is a great state for this - they have the child development 211 system and birth to three. I called and made an appointment for an assessment as he turned 2 years old. I think it is always hard for parents to realize that they need help or their child is not "normal"; but honestly, the earlier you can do the intervention, the better. And you are not alone. Every child needs something - whether it's something normative like being shy or having lower self-esteem; or something like a learning disability, a mental health issue, Autism or speech issues. These things are not a reflection on you as a parent; I watched my baby have these issues within months of his birth. Temperament is stronger than you can imagine.

So, birth to three came out for a FREE (!) assessment. Wilson was assessed on several areas of development. His physical abilities were on par for his age; his verbal abilities were significantly higher. He did not have any Autistic symptoms. He was above 85% of his peers in expressive language and almost 99% of his peers in receptive language (really need to watch what I say around him now...). But his self-regulation, particularly his emotional regulation, was 3 Standard Deviations BELOW the mean for kids his age. Even if you don't know exactly what that means, it sounds bad and it is bad. I'm not sure he could get any lower. As hard as that was to hear, it was a relief. It was NOT just us - there was a problem. When they selected a therapist for Wilson, I was relieved that they picked an Occupational Therapist, not a Behaviorist. Because if someone gave me a behavior plan, I might smack them myself.

But happily, they gave us Miss Elaine. She came once a week for one hour. She watched Wilson and then brought multiple ideas on how to get his language moving when he is frustrated. She described it as his brain was short-circuiting (emotion part of the brain blocking his cognitive and language centers) when he was frustrated. She pointed out how he lost his language and would shut down. I had seen it before, but was unsure of what was happening. She helped us focus on sensory activities that could keep him engaged and focused, particularly when we needed some time or space to get things done. She also revealed a scaffolding approach that I had not thought of: we introduce low levels of frustration and help him keep his words and extend his patience. So we began playing "your turn, my turn" where to take his turn with something he had to either say it or sign it. We also play with some toys (like puzzles, etc.) with him and keep all the parts. We give him two choices on what he wants and then wait for him to use his words to get the piece. We began to see some immediate improvement, but still saw that quick frustration.

So after one visit, I bought the very cheap sensory toys from amazon that she had tried out with him and worked well. We have a sensory box (rice with ocean animals in it) that we put over a sheet and he can play and feel the rice and use cups to scoop it. We have a calm down box that has several sensory toys in it, along with a calm down book. I bought Mr. and Mrs. Potato head since he loved those. I also bought some art supplies (jumbo coloring book and a writing pad). And we have several learning games on our iPad. On my own I did some research and I bought props that help us teach him deep breathing: a feather, a pinwheel and a silk flower which has lavender oil on it.

One morning shortly after starting to see Elaine I noticed that Wilson did not have a tantrum. He was helpful, easy to engage. He helped me cook breakfast and happily ate it. That night, I revealed the new toys to him and we separated them out into boxes. He loved his calm down book - made me read it three times and repeated the great saying "1..2..3.. I'm taking care of me.." and then took a deep breath. He tested out everything and helped clean up things easily. Then he did something that changed everything for me. He took three of the sensory balls that I had gotten him and squooshed them into his neck and said, "Mommy...happy! Happy, happy!" Mike and I have often talked about the lack of happiness in Wilson; it's not that he can't be funny - he is. He can laugh and does. But he is so serious and frustrated most of the time, that happiness isn't something he really does. But he was right, for the first time he was able to use his words to communicate his emotions and he was - happy.

The help we got for Wilson is working. He's have almost no tantrums every day, using his calm down corner, learning how to use his words or communicate when he is frustrated, listening and behaving well. He communicates displeasure with a "ohhhh nooooo" now and moves on. He is happy and we can easily manage both kids now when one parent is on their own. He uses his sensory toys often and can sit and focus on the ricebox, play-doh, putty or art for long periods of time. He will ask for his calm down box and take deep breaths as he looks through the contents. 

But it changed more than Wilson. I began feeling like an effective parent again. I enjoyed spending time with him. He was flourishing and so were we. I loved our play times, practicing breathing and yoga. I loved seeing how he grows. His language improved. He is showing more empathy every day. With just a little outside, non-biased help, we were able to see that he had some sensory needs that we weren't meeting - that we didn't know how. 

We've still got a long way to go, but I know we'll make it. I know lots of parents end up getting help for their kids and feel embarrassed about it. But in the end, early intervention helps and avoids later problems. So rather than pretend our children and parenting are perfect, I think we should all 'fess up and support each other. And most importantly, we must learn how to meet the needs of our children in a way that helps build their self esteem; we must learn to accept and enjoy the unique individuals that they are.

Breastfeeding is Natural and Beautiful... Or Not.

So it's been over 3 months postpartum from Waylon and I'm almost resolved with my initial breastfeeding troubles. So, how, you ask, could this experience be worse than with Wilson, who never latched, looked at my boob like a monster that wanted to eat him, where I had undersupply, had to pump every 2 hours to get my supply up to 20/25 ounces a day and had a case of mastitis along with a blood blister on the nipple (something which should not be possible, I think)? Even given that, I exclusively pumped for a year, until I got pregnant with Waylon. How could it be worse? Well buckle up; I'm about to take you on my natural and beautiful breastfeeding journey with Waylon.

During pregnancy, I felt hopeful! Instead of a size L bra (I kid you not) like last time, I was a double J. Almost immediately after having Waylon, he latched beautifully. We spent 3 days in breastfeeding bliss, he latched, I was producing colustrum and transitional milk well and I finally got to feel the oxytocin and feeling of utter (ha!) love burst from breastfeeding my baby (rather than the mechanical pump, which does not feel as good). It was beautiful... those 3 days. The following are a timeline of events following these three days of bliss. 

• Waylon kept latching...every hour. My nipples were so sore that I had a dream that I sprouted a third nipple...and I was happy. Seriously. I woke up sad that it wasn't true.
• On Night 4, Waylon started crying at the breast. I gave him expressed milk in a dropper and he still acted upset. I finally broke down and gave him the milk in a bottle and he gobbled it up. At 2 a.m. I woke up Mike to get some back-up formula because he was acting super hungry. Mike was thrilled at the early-hour request, but ran to the 24-hour CVS and brought back some formula. 
• My milk came in. A lot of milk. Like 60 ounces a day, cow-on-the-dairy-farm amount. I begrudgingly got out my trusty old breast pump since Waylon was not latching. We also had to buy a stand alone freezer just to house the inordinate amounts of milk I was making. Last time, I had too little milk. This time too much. I was the Goldi-tits of breastfeeding.
• Went to the renown Breastfeeding Resources (Dr. Smillie's office), they said Waylon's latch was great, but my one nipple was too big for him and he had bruised it. In case you were wondering, yes a bruise on the nipple hurts. And although he was an average weight, he was acting like he was underweight, which they expected to stop in a few weeks.
• On Doctor's instructions, I took mint and sage teas to lower my production. Didn't even make a dent. It continued to increase. I had to take Sudafed for several days to get my production down to 50 ounces a day.
• I pumped 5 times a day and having grabbed my pump bag from a year before, I did not think about the flange size (the part that connects to your nipple). The year before I had switched to a smaller size after my milk supply and subsequent bra size had gone down significantly. I forgot that I originally needed a larger size and began using a size which was inappropriate for me. Apparently, this matters.
• On one side, I had a bruised nipple. On the other side, from the too-small flange, I had what began to look like a zombie nipple. the skin was coming off, but had not fully detached. So every time I breastfed or pumped, it detached a little, then began healing during the down time. Each time was excruciatingly painful, so I showed it to Mike to get his input. He made an incredible horrified face and said, "I'm pretty sure you should talk to someone about that." Oh, the romance after having a baby.
• So, I consulted my trusty friends in my Yoga Mommies Facebook Group and began to employ everything that was suggested. I used cabbage, lanolin, coconut oil, saltwater rinses, air drying with breastmilk. Out of pure pity, my BFF bought me soothie pads that are put in the refrigerator. Finally, the skin fell off. To reveal pure zombie nipple. It looked like I had taken a cheese grater to it. Not kidding. Oh, the beauty of breastfeeding.
• The next night I started getting a fever and chills - along with a painful feeling in my right breast. I knew what it was immediately. Mas-freaking-titis. Mastitis is a bacterial infection that can occur when milk stays in the breast too long OR if it has access to the inner breast - say like through a zombie nipple.
• So, back to Breastfeeding Resources I went. It's always good when the doctor slightly shrieks upon seeing a body part of yours and says, "Oh my god. That hurts me to look at!" I immediately started antibiotics and went home with instructions to NOT breastfeed as it would be too painful, but I should keep pumping as much as I could AND got the correct flange as the doctor had figured it out.
• My fever and chills went away and I was finally feeling better. Then on Day 5 of antibiotics, I decided to go with Mike and Wilson to the children's museum. I was so happy to be out - I wore a spiffy new bra (that was a little tight) and babywore Waylon the whole time. At one point, he slipped from the middle and had his head on my left breast. Not a big deal. But when I took him off, I could feel a hardness in my breast and my fever was starting to come back. Seriously, universe???
• I called Breastfeeding Resources and they changed my prescription to a new antibiotic and I struggled with full-blown mastitis again, but this time in the left breast. I had plugged ducts that would not open. It was like having a large rock in my chest, accompanied with the feeling of having a plugged sink with the water on full speed as well. HORRIBLE. Apparently, too tight of a bra or the baby's head on my chest for that long could have done it. Awesome Sauce.
• Every pump was a manic attempt to get those plugs to break. I would apply hot compresses to get the milk flowing, then a cold one to lower inflammation. I was bent over a pump, massaging madly, squeezing, whimpering in pain...You know... experiencing the beauty of breastfeeding.
• Fever finally broke, plugs finally resolved and I began feeling better...for a few days. Then all of a sudden my right breast began getting hard. I wanted to punch something. How could this happen???? My doctor put me on a second antibiotic and assessed me to make sure I didn't need to be hospitalized. I also had the bacteria in my milk cultured - we later discovered it was an antibiotic-resistant strain that was incredibly rare. As if you don't have enough TMI on me, apparently the infection was so bad that all that came out was a small amount of thick yellow milk. Needless to say, after having it cultured, I dumped the rest. And Retched. BEAUTIFUL BREASTFEEDING.
• I continued to try every remedy under the sun, including chiropractic care - I have an awesome chiropractor who came in on his day off to give me an adjustment to help. I went in for an ultrasound to make sure I didn't have an abscess (which I didn't) and then went home to rinse and repeat the pills, pumping and assorted cures.
• The plugs in my right breast would not budge... for five days. Please picture that awful pumping experience four times a day for five days. I finally went back to Breastfeeding Resources (who knew me so well that they texted me, called in to check and had a file the size of Mt. Everest on me) and they tried to get the plugs out themselves. Now, having another women "milk" you is embarrassing enough, but honestly if it worked, I wouldn't care. It didn't. She told me that the plugged ducts would resolve on their own and probably close, lowering my supply in that side. I was down to 35 ounces a day, which was more than enough to feed Waylon, so I didn't worry too much.
• She also asked if she could take a picture of my nipple for publication purposes. Yay! My necrotic nipple will be famous. Awesome. So pretty. She told me to buy a hibiclens soap and wash it twice a day.
• The hibiclens stuff is amazing - cleared up and healed my nipple very quickly. I did get some more ducts expressing and my supply was going up again. Everything seemed to be better as my supply came back to about 50 ounces a day and I was starting to breastfeed Waylon again.
• Waylon has a unique (ahem) way of eating. On the breast or on the bottle. He latches. Looks at you. Unlatches. Looks at you. Latches. (repeat that 10 times). Then waits five minutes. Then drinks two ounces. Seriously. At the breast, that is seriously annoying and seriously painful. I began to consider exclusive pumping again. I loved when he latched, but the weird latching was hurting my nipple. I still wasn't feeding on the left side because it was STILL bruised (and I was postpartum 2 months at this point). 
• Got two blood blisters from pumping. Both healed quickly. So fun!
• I noticed on my left nipple that it was turning white. Oh, good! More beauty! Breastfeeding Resources diagnosed a yeast infection and prescribed an ointment. Luckily, Waylon did not have it or we would have passed it back and forth. Back to no breastfeeding.
• I continued to pump, but after the yeast infection resolved, I felt more pain. Nipples turned a bright shade of pink, pumped out some blood (soooo natural), found more white on my nipples and it kept getting worse. It was so painful that nothing could touch me - even through my shirt without making me want to punch something. I had to bite my hand every time I started pumping. I went BACK!! to Breastfeeding Resources and they diagnosed that both of my nipples had eczema. Oh Universe, you little joker! Thanks so much. Now I put steroid cream on both of my nipples at every pump and FINALLY they began to improve. 

Which brings us to today. I am still on the steroid cream, having little pain. I joked with Mike that a story like this belongs to the superhero comic mythology. You go through such tragedy and pain to develop a superhuman ability. My superhero name will undoubtedly be Iron Nipples, the woman whose nipples can cut through steel and deflect weapons! Oh, and feed her babies.

So why keep breastfeeding/pumping you ask? You aren't alone - my husband, my mother, my friends - everyone questioned my sanity with continuing to breastfeed and pump through this. But the bottom line was I was not going to let ANYTHING stop me from experiencing breastfeeding and providing breastmilk for my baby. I saw with Wilson how healthy it was and that it has protected him from having to take any medications (breastmilk and garlic drops for beginning ear infections; breastmilk and coconut oil for eczema was all he has needed). I have heard that each drop of breastmilk contains millions of white blood cells in it. I see how whenever one of the kids or I has a scratch, I can put it on it and it is gone the next day or two. The healing ability is amazing. Oh, and I am losing weight like gangbusters. Can't hate that.

Let me be clear: I totally respect anyone's decision to do whatever feeding they want for their baby, including not breastfeeding for whatever reason. For me, I just wanted to provide breastmilk for as long as I could. There are a few things in life that I set my mind to - surviving graduate school, writing my dissertation, becoming a psychologist and counselor, escaping poverty, becoming a professor, writing several research reports, getting through a 50 hour labor... These things weren't to try to one up on someone else or compete or to show my skills. This was about wanting something for myself or my family and doing everything I could to achieve it.

And so far, I have. Waylon is 100% breastfed. I decided to use the extra milk I was making (since I have over 1200 ounces stocked in a FULL freezer) to feed my toddler when he wanted his bottle before bed. They are both super happy and thriving; I am producing lots - all things for which I feel very lucky and blessed.

I don't mean to scare anyone with this story either. Just to tell you that you need lots of support when you breastfeed - emotional, physical, psychological. Making the decision to breastfeed is a sacrifice that many of us gladly make for our little ones (and it does help to prevent breast cancer for us, so there's that).

But, is it natural for women? Is it beautiful for everyone? I call bullshit on that...and I have the iron nipples to prove it.

What I Decided to Do with My Placenta...and Why

So....Placentas. With Wilson, I didn't look at it or even really give it a second thought. But, as my due date approached for Waylon's birth, I had heard a lot about Placental Encapsulation and given that I KNEW what the first few months with a newborn were going to be like (i.e. awfully terrible), I decided to look into it. I have to be honest: from the beginning, it grossed me out - even thinking about it as an organ made me want to heave. But, I first considered it for its stated impact on Postpartum Depression. I had PPD with my first son; the transition to motherhood coupled with a difficult tempered baby was not an easy one. It was only moderate PPD which resolved with support and counseling, but having had it before and now having 2 boys under the age of 2, made me rethink some of my options. 

So I first checked out the research. There are not a lot of good empirical studies, but there are some. They indicate that consuming the placenta postpartum increases lactation production, pain relief, speeds up recovery, increases bonding, boosts energy, stimulates the immune system and replenishes iron. Um, great! Those would be all the things that make the "fourth trimester" awful - you are fatigued, feeling like you should be more bonded with your baby, stressed out, struggling with breastfeeding, feeling crappy and probably anemic. Although the studies are few in quantity, it is important to remember that clinical trials can cost millions of dollars; and what company (particularly pharmaceutical companies who usually fund trials) would be interested in funding a study like this - where patients make their own medicine and you can't profit from it? 

So, the lack of research is not surprising; but the preliminary studies are promising. So I decided to take a case study approach: I then asked other women who had done it if they would do it again. It was a resounding YES. Some swore by it and some stated that maybe it was a placebo effect, but either way, they said it was a lifesaver AND that it did all the things that the research said it would. 

I looked at the history of placental encapsulation and found that it had its roots in Chinese medicine, with its utility first published in 1578: not exactly what you would call a fad as I initially thought it was. It was used sporadically in Europe during the 1700s and then brought back into use in the 1980s by an American midwife. 

So, some good research, good word of mouth and a history. Even so, I kept thinking....but ew. EW. I know most animals always consume their placenta after birth, but I don't feel the need to copy my dogs in their efforts of licking their butts or eating some rather disgusting things. So the ick factor really still pervaded despite it being a natural phenomenon.

As it got closer to Waylon's D-Day, I realized that even though I was hoping for a positive, perfect outcome, what if? What if it wasn't? What if many, numerous crappy things happened as they did when I had Wilson? I remember being anxious, depressed, wanting to kill my partner, questioning my decision to have children, hating the universe and crying ALOT. It was not what I had pictured in any way, shape or form.

So, I researched some companies, but finally went with Birth Partners, who I have used for my doulas (both first and second births); and they are pretty much the best out there for lots of reasons. You sign a contract, get a form from your doctor maintaining that you do not have any diseases and await the birth. When we had Waylon, my midwife set aside his placenta and cord and Mike took it home to our fridge. More ick factor. I looked at it once. It was huge, gross and even though I loved it for keeping my baby alive, I couldn't imagine ingesting it. Dawn from Birth Partners came on day 3 postpartum and prepared the placenta, dehydrated it for 8 hours, then came back the next day to grind it and put it in capsules. When she first got there, she asked me if I wanted some raw placenta for shakes. I made her repeat that several times before I said, "Oh God, No!" with an audible retching sound. Before that, she gave me the "umbilical keepsake" and a placental print. Now, I'm pretty granola, but I promptly threw out the keepsake (dried bow of umbilical cord) with another retch and although a placental print (pressing the placenta onto a piece of paper so you can see the outline) sounds equally gross, it was kind of pretty - they look like a tree, which is a great metaphor for creating life. By the way, that's not my placenta in the picture, but that is what they look like. I have no desire to share pictures of my own beefy appendage.

So, I got 250 capsules out of my placenta and was instructed to 1) take 1 or 2 a day as needed, and 2) do not take it when you have an active infection (it increases immune system dramatically and can make your fever higher than needed, apparently). So on day 5, I took my first dose.

So here is what I noticed immediately.

• My mood was excellent - at all times. When I felt a little down or anxious, I took a second one and felt better within hours. Within the first week, I experienced breastfeeding problems, a shredded (not exaggerating) nipple and in a few weeks, an antibiotic-resistant strain of mastitis that took 3 weeks to resolve. I never felt depressed, nor hopeless. My doctors even commented on it, given the situation it would have been normal for me to feel down. But, my mood was incredibly stable.
• I did not have to take any pain pills once I was home despite having a second degree tear. The healing was MUCH faster and I barely did any intervention. Even when I had the shredded nipple (actually it looked like I took a cheese grater to it - breastfeeding is awesome), I only took a small amount of ibuprofen a few times a day. Once I had the mastitis and could not take the capsules, I saw a big difference with my pain tolerance. Even after the mastitis resolved, I still had pain, but when I took the capsules in the morning, I never needed any pain meds.
• My skin was great - people commented on how quickly I was recovering.
• I lost all of the baby weight in 1 week, then another 20 pounds in the first 2 months. To be clear, I lost all of my baby weight quickly with Wilson too, so that may not be an effect, but I continue to lose weight this time, so I'm not complaining.
• I was not as fatigued with Wilson's newborn period, nor even when I was pregnant. I was taking care of Waylon through the night by myself (Mike was on Wilson duty) and I felt fine even after getting very interrupted sleep throughout the day.
• I could definitely feel the bonding influence - I would find myself feeling such love and wanting to just baby-gaze after taking one. The hormones were definitely palpable and helpful in all ways. I did not argue with Mike (an hourly occurrence with Wilson's birth) and was able to be present for Wilson, my impatient and fiery toddler as well.
• My lactation production was, ahem, boosted. With Wilson, after pumping 2 hours around the clock for a week, I finally got up to about 25 ounces a day. This time, out of the gate (as soon as my milk came in), I was pumping 60 ounces in ADDITION to Waylon breastfeeding. My mastitis was not a result of the over-production, but we did end up lowering it a little to make things easier (with Sudafed). I now make 50 ounces a day, which provides all of the milk for Waylon and my toddler, plus I have over 1200 ounces in the freezer. 

 So is my experience a good case study? I could see a difference from the days I took them and did not. However, one could argue that given this was my second birth, I could have had an easier time anyway. And that could be. However, I would argue that having a newborn with a difficult toddler would make it WORSE than the postpartum period with my first child. Either way, my experience is just one to add to the numerous others that have experienced positive effects.

I wanted to share this because I wanted my story to be out there for moms considering it themselves. I am incredibly grateful for the input for the moms who convinced me to do it. And, I continue to still (at 3 months postpartum) use at least one a day to continue feeling great. I have not had any symptoms of depression or any other difficulty (besides the breast issues caused by the unfortunate antibiotic-resistant mastitis - which I would even argue should have ended me up in the hospital, but I was able to fight it off). My verdict: Yes, it's gross, Yes, it seems strange, Yes, it was undoubtedly worth it.

Waylon's Birth Story

It's been almost two months, but it's really taken me that long to process this experience; my birth experience with Wilson was almost the complete opposite than Waylon's - I can honestly say the experiences were so different that I wasn't at all prepared for the labor and birth of my second son.

After a month of prodromal labor, where some days I had early labor contractions every 15 minutes, with my pelvis feeling like it was splitting in two, with my hip and lower back going out every time I moved, heartburn, reactive high blood pressure, generally just feeling fatigued and was carrying a giant parasite inside of me, I was pretty much ready for labor to start any minute.

On May 28th, my day started with Mike and I stressed out; he was sick, Wilson was miserable and cranky and I couldn't move much. I put my hospital bag and a list of the things that still needed to go into my hospital bag on the counter for Mike...just in case. I went to the chiropractor so that I could walk straight again; then I went to my midwife's appointment. Elise sat down and said, "So, how are you doing?"  I looked at her and, literally, burst into tears. She immediately came over and gave me a huge hug. I was so exhausted from contractions and the general exhaustion of the third trimester; the day before, Waylon wasn't moving much, causing me great anxiety on top of being already so tired. We talked about our options and she told me that she would send me to Yale to check on baby movement, fluid and my blood pressure, which was really high again. I walked out to my car (well, waddled) and called Mike, telling him that it was likely I would be induced today given the high blood pressure. I then called my doula, Hannah, and cried on the phone as I told her the news.

I got to Yale for all the testing, got settled in and attempted to accept the likelihood that I would be most likely induced that day, something I really did not want to happen. And then my blood pressure was fine, fluid check was good and they thought that I would not be induced. My midwife said, "let me check your BP one more time." And it was 170/90. Oops. So induction it is. I called Mike, told him to get our hospital bag, let the sitters and our friends know and get prepared to be a daddy to two sons.

My doula, Hannah, and Mike met me at the hospital. The nurse made sure my IV was comfortably placed and that I had everything I needed. I was still in early labor around 6 p.m. when they started the Pitocin (oh, Pitocin, how I hate you). For the next seven hours, I stayed in early labor as the contractions became more intense. Even with the higher Pitocin intensity, I was able to stay calm, focus on my shaman ability to visualize and detach from the pain and was doing great (despite the contractions being about 1 to 2 minutes apart). I asked to be checked again because I felt I wasn't making much progress (and because being in early labor for a month is a little tiring). I asked for the Benadryl medication that helps you sleep/ kills the pain if I hadn't progressed. And after checking me at 1 a.m., big shocker, I had gone from 3 cm to 4 cm. My midwife asked if it was ok to break my water and I, hoping that this would move things along, said yes.

Well, it certainly did move things along. The medication did not make me sleep nor did it touch the pain. I went from having intense early labor contractions to 1) ACTIVE labor, 2) TRANSITIONAL labor, and 3) PUSHING contractions ALL at the same time. The contractions were on top of each other, with almost no break in between. It was like being hit by a freight train. The nurse told me to try not to push through the contractions and I just looked at her like she was stupid. NOT push? I had no choice!!!! But they gave my some breathing exercises I should do and it seemed to work at least a little bit.

To be clear, I went from a spiritual guru calmly handling each surge to a crazed lunatic screaming like a banshee for a freaking epidural. After about 40 minutes, I was adamant for an epidural. I had been growling like a beast through the contractions, squeezing the crap out of everything/everyone that was near me, crying/hyperventilating (doula was helpful here, reminding me to stay calm and breathe) and collapsing when I had about 30 seconds to breathe in between. I wanted to run screaming from the room, the hospital, my body, my life. Tear the kid out, I didn't care - it was the most intense pain I had ever felt in my life and felt nothing like my 50-hour labor with Wilson (which, if you were wondering, was pretty bad). My midwife asked to check me again and she found that I had gone from 4 cm to 7 cm in less than 45 minutes. She looked at me empathically and said, "That's so much progress, Misty! Does this change how you feel about the epidural?" And I looked at her and said, "NOPE!" Please to stab me in the back with a giant needle full of crazy drugs that kill my bottom half. I'm dying.

She turned to the computer to order the epidural and I asked Mike to help me to the bathroom. He helped me into the room where I kept saying that I felt I needed to poop. Yep, poop. I sat on the toilet for a few minutes trying not to push and then I stood up. Only to sit back down because it felt like I still had to go to the bathroom. Then, suddenly remembering a random episode of 16 and Pregnant (yes I watch and love this show as it makes me always feel completely prepared as a parent in comparison), I realized that this sensation wasn't about going to the bathroom, it was the baby!!! I screamed out, "THE BABY IS COMING NOW!!!!!" My midwife came running in and slid under me like she was sliding into home base. She reassured me that she was there and yelled for the nurse. I grabbed on to Mike who was kneeling down trying to help me up. I remember him saying, "baby, what, what?" I suddenly realized that I was digging my nails into his arms and biting his shirt. I remember thinking, "Oh, well, he'll live," and with two pushes, I pushed Waylon out into the arms of our midwife.

Let's review: 50 hours of active labor for Wilson -- 55 minutes for Waylon. And believe it or not, the 50 hours was easier than those intense nutzo 55 minutes. But in the end, I had my little nugget: a healthy 7 pounds 9 ounces, 20.5 inches-long, perfect little boy. But, boy would I love to have an uneventful birth story. Oh well, I guess I'll always have material for the blog.

Photo by Laura Elyse Photography

Prodromal Drama

So for the last four weeks or so, I have been experiencing "prodromal labor". Also known as early labor or false labor, it is essentially, early labor contractions that are, I can attest to, quite real, but go nowhere. Meaning that they vary from uncomfortable to intense; and although they can aid in labor progress (dilation and thinning of the cervix), it's not real labor and ends up stopping, only to come back again the next day or even within a few hours. Needless to say, weeks of on and off contractions can really make it difficult to do work, care for a toddler, clean the house, oh... do anything.

As I googled prodromal labor for the 50th time trying to find an answer to why I am experiencing this in a feeble attempt at feeling slightly informed or in control, I learned a few things. These contractions can be useful in getting a baby in position; one theory is that the contractions serve to push the baby into the correct position. And indeed, they did lessen when Waylon appeared to change positions. Another theory is that they are linked to second-time and later mothers as the uterus is more sensitive to oxytocin and "knows" what to do. But the most compelling theory I read was in a OB's blog, who noted that anecdotally, he saw this kind of labor in mothers whose babies appeared ready to be born, but whose mothers were not psychologically or emotionally ready. 

Understatement of the year, that theory. Although my common sense and my extensive college education would make it very clear how babies are born, I was not thinking that I would get pregnant right away. It took me 3 years to get pregnant with Wilson; it was literally hard work and we totally lost sight of the fact that that it only takes one sexual encounter to lead to pregnancy: we became those teenagers on 16 and pregnant believing stupid things (minus the ridiculously active fertility). Our lesson with Wilson was getting pregnant was difficult - a serious undertaking. When we decided to start trying again, my mother warned me that "it happens easier the second time around", so even though we were trying the first month, we skipped my ovulation time. Hey, practice makes perfect; and we were both a little gun-shy after having a difficult infant and toddler. But, this baby was ready to be conceived - my ovulation moved up a full week and a half and I got pregnant right out of the gate. This meant that instead of my beautiful calculations of having a 3 year old in preschool and an infant, I would now have two children under the age of 2. Awesome sauce.

So, I started off, not being too ready. Then, when the contractions started, one of the first thoughts that came into my mind was how much work I had left to do. This was literally my To Do List when prodromal labor started about a month ago:

• Buy and Install Stairway Gate
• Buy 2 white noise makers
• Secure Nursery Furniture with Dresser Straps
• Do spring cleaning
• Finish Waylon’s Nursery
• Birth Plan
• Buy Deck Gate
• Bring baby stuff down from attic
• Pack Hospital Bag
• Organize house
• Finish paying doula
• Send Postpartum Placenta Paperwork
• Call insurance – re: doula & pre-certification for Yale hospital/ send in Yale paperwork
• Newborn photos contract
• Reschedule Thursdays to Wednesdays for Appointments
• Take Mike’s Car In for Brakes
• Take My Car In for Service
• Return Carter’s
• Get Diaper Changer from Basement
• Clean & Organize Office
• Copy Course Content to Psychopharm Class for August
• Organize Portfolio Paperwork into one area
• GSA Schedule for 2014-2015
• Submit Teaching Book Proposal
• GSA Student Mentors & Orientation
• Get in all Paperwork for Licensure
• Multicultural Study
•             IRB
•             Create Online Survey
• CES Journal Reviewing
• Graduate Institute Course for Fall
• DSM-5 Presentation for UCONN in August
• Finish Multicultural Article
• Gender Role Study
•             IRB
•             Create Online Survey
•             Submit RA Paperwork
• CT-ALGBTIC
• CCA Multicultural Committee
  CACES Resources and Goal Setting
• Set Diversity Committee Events for Next Year
• Change Baby Signs Business Name & Do Taxes
• LGBQ & Religion Study
•             Finish Interviews
•             Do Thematic Analyses
• Finish all Technology Committee Tasks
• Finish Report for President’s Commission
• CACREP Mid Cycle Report
• CACREP Evaluation Report & Other Compliance Tasks
• LGBTQ+ Book Proposal
• Finish Grading for ALL Classes
• Religion & Counselor Ed Article
• Finish Mutt-i-grees Publication

Please note that one item on this list could be an immense task - like writing a 50 page report for the President's Commission or grading multiple papers and finals for 4 graduate level courses. Also, note that shit is crossed out. I actually DID everything on my list for home and work. 

However, that was not my only worry or anxiety when I started having contractions. My next thought was, "Oh God, Oh God, we are all hot messes, how can we add another one???" Let me explain.

My husband is normally detail oriented, anal, organized and perfectionistic. Fatherhood and parenting a difficult-tempered child took some of that out of him, but knowing that another baby was coming has made him a serious hot mess. He now was forgetful, distracted, half-listened to our conversations, broke things and lost things (like our toddler's shoes down the highway when he placed them on the car and then forgot to actually put them on when he got him in the carseat). Every morning he grated his ignition forgetting that he had already started the carstarter when he put the key in; and every night he desperately tried to get some gaming time in (while dodging flying objects from our toddler lodging random complaints of this activity which did not include him), full well knowing that any personal time he currently has is coming to an screeching halt as soon as Waylon appears. If you know Mike, you know that distraction and mistakes are NOT like him at all. Let's just say, I'm not used to being the stable one. He is anxious and anal; he usually, annoyingly, remembers everything that needs to be done and does it perfectly. But not, now; he's a hot, hot mess.

My son is a hotter mess. He is needy, demanding, high-maintenance - oh, and a toddler. He grabs at everything, eats a huge amount, still gets up at night, has emotional regulation issues up the wazoo, has NOT quite mastered being gentle and needs our 100%  full attention when he is awake. Wilson is stubborn and does things at his own pace. For example, he decided that he would like to use the potty. That was great and for 3 weeks, he had few mistakes and used the potty a lot. Then he decided, "eh, that was over-rated." And now, he hasn't used the potty in 2 weeks. Getting him to sit on it against his will would so not be worth it, as we have learned you don't force a difficult tempered child to do anything if you value your sanity. Wilson has a cold right now, so he's miserable, wiping his nose and face on everything in sight: me, Mike's pants as he's about to go to work, the dogs, the couch and the floor. He whines constantly and has no fear of repetition of his favorite things: every day we have to play Beyonce's Who Runs the World (Girls) and Katy Perry's Darkhorse repeatedly. Seriously. Back to Back, over and over. He asks for it in this pathetic whiny voice "Grrrrrllllsss...." and then "Keeeeeettttty". Although his tantrums have gotten better, he still throws himself on the floor dramatically, as I said in a previous blog, akin to a Spanish soap opera. We've done everything we can think of in preparing him for a little brother, but how my little hot mess will actually do with a new brother is a little scary to think about.

And then there's me. I may seem that I have my ducks in a row - mostly because somehow I do maintain productivity at work, but really I'm a bigger hot mess. I'm HORRIBLE with money and finances; and while I maintain focus at work, I leave laundry piles in the bedroom, dishes in the sink, trash 2 feet from the actual trash in the kitchen as I'm horribly distracted at home. With Wilson, I found a way to mostly balance work and home - something I was very proud of - but couldn't figure how to balance anything else - like a social life, eating healthy, spiritual needs or working out. I consider myself a very resilient person, but weird shit happens to me all the time. Like a 50-hour labor with Wilson. Random illnesses that no other person has heard of. I got the swine flu when it was on the decline. I have vaccine reactions. I have a genetic condition called hypermobile joints, meaning I'm mostly double-jointed and injure myself when I sleep and especially when I'm pregnant and have the hormone Relaxin, which further relaxes my ligaments and joints (i.e., I literally throw a hip out every night when I sleep). I have prodromal labor. I also think a lot about how I had Postpartum Depression after I had Wilson. How am I going to survive a toddler AND a newborn with my sanity intact? Being in the third trimester, I'm the biggest hot mess of all: I sometimes can barely move (which my toddler takes full advantage of), have indigestion, insomnia, random hip-out, issues rolling over, distractability, forgetfulness, crave bucketloads of sweets, drink gallons of water a day and feel like something in between a teapot and a cooked turkey. 

So, are we ready? No. But, without the definitive illusion that you have when you believe you are "ready" for your first child, no one could ever be really ready for a second child. You know what it will be like at first - the lack of sleep, the loss of identity, the things you weren't expecting, the difficulties you face healing from childbirth, all the things you cannot control... But, as I sit here tonight, I also reflect on all the things we can accomplish as a family and individually. Mike's sanity will return, he really is an epic father and his love for Wilson will soon be his love for Waylon as well. Wilson will be an excellent big brother - he wants to help, he loves babies and he really is the sweetest boy I've ever known. And I'll figure it out - just like I found a way to balance things with Wilson, I'll figure out my life again with 2 children. And together, we love each other and are capable of great things - I mean, look at that list - we did all that in 3 weeks, as hot messes with me having contractions. And we do have help - our close friends Jess and Joe, some awesome childcare help and family members who are willing to come to help us transition (thanks, Mom!). 

So, I'm making it official. Universe, Waylon, body: I'M READY. That's right, bring it on. Labor, birth, fourth trimester, mother of multiple children. LET'S DO IT. Aaaaaannnnnd here comes a contraction.