Mommyfessions

So, it's time I made some mommy confessions. Some of you know that I've been going through a tough time with Wilson. If you read my blog, you know that I talk about Wilson's "difficult" temperament (sometimes endlessly, I know). We knew from birth that Wilson was a bit different and had higher needs, to say the least. This is him at 4 months old.

Yes, that is him yelling at a toy. At 4 months old, he was MAD at a toy because it did not conform to his ways. He did not smile a lot during this time; never heard a giggle from him until he was a toddler. He's always had trouble regulating everything: eating, sleeping, his emotions, particularly his anger. It was cute when he was little; not so cute as a toddler.

Mommyfession #1: I did not enjoy spending time with my son.

In response to his high needs and difficult temperament, we've been patient, responsive and took a positive, parenting approach. Reinforcement and natural consequences. We swooned every time he did something great; if he was misusing something, he lost it if he didn't correct his behavior. If he did something wrong, we used correction, making him do it over again the right way. It's not that our positive parenting thing was perfect; believe me, we've yelled. We've said "NO!!" and "STOP" more times than we can count...in a day. But overall, we try using the positive way; instead of saying, "Don't put your hands there," we would say, "Keep your hands to yourself, please!" But our positive parenting became more "work" than our jobs. I would be exhausted by the end of the day because we were always "on". We were trying to phrase commands correctly and keep up with his boundless energy and limitless talent for pushing every boundary and finding trouble wherever he could. We were constantly chasing him. We lived in a fully gated prison-like environment because he had outsmarted all of our locks and gates. Mike had to take the handles off of the drawers in the kitchen because he would use them to climb up to get on the counter. He frantically pushed buttons, stole phones and keys, threw things, grabbed plugs, broke things. It never ended. Now, I want to be clear: we NEVER let him get away with anything. We were always right there, stopping him, making him do things over, correcting him, setting boundaries, taking things away. And our frustration of his desires was evident: he had over 20 full-blown tantrums a day. He kicked, he hit. He collapsed on the ground and threw his head onto the floor. He would even punch himself in the head because he got so angry and frustrated. The only way to avoid the misery was to keep him active and moving from activity to activity in a new place.

When I was pregnant in my third trimester, I just couldn't do this and thus suffered every day with Wilson and his endless emotional deregulation. After the baby, the only way Mike survived was to take him out pretty much all the time. His entire summer was spent running around to parks, the mall, grocery shopping and doing various errands to keep him occupied. But neither of us could watch both kids together for very long. Wilson would not cooperate in the slightest and it was too frustrating. Our days, from start to finish, were exhausting misery. We would split up our time with Wilson, tagging in the other parent when one parent frankly wanted to strangle him or have a dissociative fugue and abandon the whole family.

Don't get me wrong. There were moments of pure joy. Wilson has a great sense of humor, is creative, smart and LOVES electronics, music and water with such pure abandon. We loved him intensely, but over the summer, neither Mike nor I were eager to spend time with Wilson, which of course wracked us with guilt. We did not realize how difficult he actually was until we had Waylon. Way was calm, flexible and social. He slept well, was smiley and giggly. He was affectionate, sweet and loving. Waylon was like a self-cleaning oven that just liked to be held a lot. Wilson was like a oven that caught fire every time you looked at it. We found ourselves loving time with Waylon, less so with Wilson. More guilt.

When fall started to approach, we enlisted help to remain sane. We knew we needed a village to raise this kid, so we have a babysitter who takes him out for a few hours every morning and then comes back so that I give him his lunch and then put him down for a nap. Then we spent the nights together once Mike got home so we did not have to juggle Wilson and our newborn. But after 10 minutes at home in the afternoon, I would be looking at the clock to see when nap time was. More guilt.

Mommyfession #2: I had nothing left in my toolbelt.

I used all of my considerable toolbelt to help him learn to regulate his emotions and behavior. I have worked with children with special needs (autism, emotional disturbance, intellectual disability), massive behavioral disorders and mental health issues. I have an amazing toolbelt. I consult with parents on all sorts of problems for all different types of children at various ages. Successfully. But improvement with Wilson was slow and incremental. One step forward, then two steps back. Something would start to work, then stop. We did see progress though: his temper tantrums moved from being 30 minutes long to less than a minute. He stopped hitting, biting, pinching - all lovely things to go through as a parent. But in the end, he still had over 20 tantrums a day - over-reacting or breaking down at the slightest frustration.

I don't use corporal punishment, nor do I philosophically agree with punishment, based on years of research and what matched my own personality and style. Even so, we were so desperate we did dabble in time-out. Not only did it not work for him, he escalated. It amounted to 45 minutes of me holding him while he was screaming, crying hysterically and sweating profusely. There is some good research on why this does not work for some kids; apparently mine was one.

I have always believed in a scaffolding approach, which helped resolve his eating and sleeping issues. Basically, we looked at what he was able to do at that  moment. For example, he could not for the life of him, put himself to sleep. So I would rock him until he was asleep, which usually took 30 minutes. Then the next night, 28 minutes, then 26 minutes and so on. We finally got down to 2 minutes and he began liking to lay down by himself. Then I cut out the rocking and laid down by him for 10 minutes. Then 8 minutes, etc. Until he didn't need us anymore. So scaffolding believes in your child's needs (that they are real and sincere), meets them where they are at, and slowly detracts support as they become more independent. It is INCREDIBLY hard work, but it is a real investment. When it pays off, it is huge. Wilson now goes to bed happily at 7:30 p.m. after a book and being tucked in and gets up at 7 a.m. He often wakes up once - hungry or thirsty - in the middle of the night so we bring him up a bottle and hand it to him. He takes it and goes right back down in his bed. He typically takes 3 hour naps and goes down the same way. He rivals any other 2-year-old for how cooperative he is at bedtime and how much of a good sleeper he is now.

But, I had no idea how to do this approach with teaching him to self-regulate his emotions. I tried taking breaths, taking space, massage, support, etc. He still got frustrated and angry at the drop of a hat. He could not calm down when angry; and he lost all of his ability to speak and use his words. It was never that he was trying to be manipulative or trying to be a pain. I could see the pain in his eyes as he lost his words when he wanted something. How his "tantrums" were hurting him too. He was in so much pain and would hurt himself rather than us. I was sad for him. And felt horrible that I, as a Yale-trained developmental psychologist was out of ideas.

 Mommyfession #3: I needed help.

Since I'm in the field and was at a loss myself, it was time to get help. Connecticut is a great state for this - they have the child development 211 system and birth to three. I called and made an appointment for an assessment as he turned 2 years old. I think it is always hard for parents to realize that they need help or their child is not "normal"; but honestly, the earlier you can do the intervention, the better. And you are not alone. Every child needs something - whether it's something normative like being shy or having lower self-esteem; or something like a learning disability, a mental health issue, Autism or speech issues. These things are not a reflection on you as a parent; I watched my baby have these issues within months of his birth. Temperament is stronger than you can imagine.

So, birth to three came out for a FREE (!) assessment. Wilson was assessed on several areas of development. His physical abilities were on par for his age; his verbal abilities were significantly higher. He did not have any Autistic symptoms. He was above 85% of his peers in expressive language and almost 99% of his peers in receptive language (really need to watch what I say around him now...). But his self-regulation, particularly his emotional regulation, was 3 Standard Deviations BELOW the mean for kids his age. Even if you don't know exactly what that means, it sounds bad and it is bad. I'm not sure he could get any lower. As hard as that was to hear, it was a relief. It was NOT just us - there was a problem. When they selected a therapist for Wilson, I was relieved that they picked an Occupational Therapist, not a Behaviorist. Because if someone gave me a behavior plan, I might smack them myself.

But happily, they gave us Miss Elaine. She came once a week for one hour. She watched Wilson and then brought multiple ideas on how to get his language moving when he is frustrated. She described it as his brain was short-circuiting (emotion part of the brain blocking his cognitive and language centers) when he was frustrated. She pointed out how he lost his language and would shut down. I had seen it before, but was unsure of what was happening. She helped us focus on sensory activities that could keep him engaged and focused, particularly when we needed some time or space to get things done. She also revealed a scaffolding approach that I had not thought of: we introduce low levels of frustration and help him keep his words and extend his patience. So we began playing "your turn, my turn" where to take his turn with something he had to either say it or sign it. We also play with some toys (like puzzles, etc.) with him and keep all the parts. We give him two choices on what he wants and then wait for him to use his words to get the piece. We began to see some immediate improvement, but still saw that quick frustration.

So after one visit, I bought the very cheap sensory toys from amazon that she had tried out with him and worked well. We have a sensory box (rice with ocean animals in it) that we put over a sheet and he can play and feel the rice and use cups to scoop it. We have a calm down box that has several sensory toys in it, along with a calm down book. I bought Mr. and Mrs. Potato head since he loved those. I also bought some art supplies (jumbo coloring book and a writing pad). And we have several learning games on our iPad. On my own I did some research and I bought props that help us teach him deep breathing: a feather, a pinwheel and a silk flower which has lavender oil on it.

One morning shortly after starting to see Elaine I noticed that Wilson did not have a tantrum. He was helpful, easy to engage. He helped me cook breakfast and happily ate it. That night, I revealed the new toys to him and we separated them out into boxes. He loved his calm down book - made me read it three times and repeated the great saying "1..2..3.. I'm taking care of me.." and then took a deep breath. He tested out everything and helped clean up things easily. Then he did something that changed everything for me. He took three of the sensory balls that I had gotten him and squooshed them into his neck and said, "Mommy...happy! Happy, happy!" Mike and I have often talked about the lack of happiness in Wilson; it's not that he can't be funny - he is. He can laugh and does. But he is so serious and frustrated most of the time, that happiness isn't something he really does. But he was right, for the first time he was able to use his words to communicate his emotions and he was - happy.

The help we got for Wilson is working. He's have almost no tantrums every day, using his calm down corner, learning how to use his words or communicate when he is frustrated, listening and behaving well. He communicates displeasure with a "ohhhh nooooo" now and moves on. He is happy and we can easily manage both kids now when one parent is on their own. He uses his sensory toys often and can sit and focus on the ricebox, play-doh, putty or art for long periods of time. He will ask for his calm down box and take deep breaths as he looks through the contents. 

But it changed more than Wilson. I began feeling like an effective parent again. I enjoyed spending time with him. He was flourishing and so were we. I loved our play times, practicing breathing and yoga. I loved seeing how he grows. His language improved. He is showing more empathy every day. With just a little outside, non-biased help, we were able to see that he had some sensory needs that we weren't meeting - that we didn't know how. 

We've still got a long way to go, but I know we'll make it. I know lots of parents end up getting help for their kids and feel embarrassed about it. But in the end, early intervention helps and avoids later problems. So rather than pretend our children and parenting are perfect, I think we should all 'fess up and support each other. And most importantly, we must learn how to meet the needs of our children in a way that helps build their self esteem; we must learn to accept and enjoy the unique individuals that they are.