It's Another Boy! It's Another Boy. Two Boys.

So I found out yesterday that we are expecting another boy. I was obviously prepared for this possibility, but Mike and I did expect that our second would be a girl, just because this pregnancy has been so different from Wilson's. But our reaction and the reaction of others close to us has me thinking about what it means to have two children of the same gender. 

I'm not a particularly gender-focused person, so the gender/sex doesn't really matter to either Mike or I. However, we REALLY want an easy baby. And boys are usually a bit harder as infants and toddlers. Research (and our own limited experience with Wilson) shows that they cry more, have more issues with sleeping, are more prone to disorders and disabilities, are more emotional and have fewer innate social and emotional skills than girls as infants. So when we found out, we were both a little worried - WE CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER DIFFICULT CHILD. We will quit this gig, have a dissociative fugue, and send the kids to their grandparents to live. But, if this little boy is healthy, happy, is a better sleeper than his brother, has an easy temperament and maybe slightly physically resembles his poor mother that had to survive his pregnancy and labor, I would be pretty happy.

But there is something to not having both a girl and a boy to round off your experience as a parent. I see this in our own feelings, in people's pity faces ("Oh....another boy?") and people's requests that we keep trying for that girl. Did we not try hard enough this time? I blame Mike and his strong y chromosome sperm. "Stay back!" My egg should have cried, "It's time for a girl!" And what happens when we TRY again and it's another boy?? Suicide? 

I once joked that we could never have any males in our house (we had 3 female dogs and 2 female cats). We had attempted to bring in male animals who always got sent back to the shelter because they were obnoxious and tried to maim/kill/hump to death our existing animals. So, I jokingly said, "Well, I guess the only way another male is going to get in this house is through my womb!" Ha-ha, so funny.

But there are some definite advantages for us to having a second son:

• We will now specialize in all boys. We will be masters at dodging pee during diaper changes, rough and tumble play, turning everything into a weapon, boy toys and boy clothes.
• Boys get cooler stuff. Their toys, their nursery decor, everything is cooler. You can be a rock star, cool dude, have trucks, sports, dinosaurs and strong imagery on your clothes and toys. Girls get princesses and pastel. 
• Wilson will have a baby brother who is very close in age. They can play together, bond, protect each other and have a potentially better relationship as adolescents (unless they like the same girl...).
• Two words describing their potential adolescence versus the teenage years with girls: LESS DRAMA.
• Instead of having the ever-popular mother-daughter stressful teenage years where I hear that they hate me repeatedly, I will be loved, respected and serve as the model to which every potential partner of my sons must live up to...
• As one of Mike's friends politely put it, "When you have a girl, you have to worry about all the other boys out there. Now instead of a million penises to worry about, you only have one to worry about." Well two now.
• My parents already have 3 granddaughters, so I am fully giving them the male experience.
• If I were a queen, my king and the royal family would be so proud.
• Well, it is a man's world. So my children (particularly if they keep coming out whiter than sour cream) will not face a great deal of adversity on their gender, as women do. And I can teach them to respect and celebrate women, as well as to advocate for others from different demographics who have none of the privileges as they do. I clearly have the background to do this and plenty of Joss Whedon television series and movies to share with them. 
• I won't have to buy new clothes! And most of the girl clothes out there make me want to gag anyway. Who puts eyelashes and high heels on a giraffe shirt? She would have to deal with over-sexualization, conflicting messages about beauty and a culture that belittles her and her accomplishments. 

But in a way, I was looking forward to helping to shape a girl and guide her, as I have done, through this tumultuous culture and life. I have learned so much about being a strong woman, I want to share it with a future progeny who will live it and can benefit.

But as I considered all of these things, I realized that my assumptions about my boy in-utero is faulty. My initial assumptions relied on the suppositions that he will be a masculine, heterosexual, gender-conforming, stereotypical male, similar in temperament to his big brother. As much as I am educated and have experienced gender non-conformity first hand, I have to remind myself to not assume that about this child. He could be anything and anyone: the potential is limitless. My own two brothers could not be any different; And while my oldest brother preferred to hang out with my father, my other brother preferred my mother, helping her cook, shop and clean. So, I still may have a little buddy yet.

Culture dictates to males to be insensitive, heteronormative and "masculine". Even though Wilson is certainly gender-conforming, he is extremely sensitive and loving, defying culture's expectation of what a tough, strong boy looks like - particularly when he sees a furry stuffed animal and smushes it against his face to love it, sometimes falling on it (although sometimes he humps it too...). I have no idea what our second son will be like, but I do know this: I will love him no matter what he is like, help him understand and navigate our world and culture and help him become the person that he truly authentically is and wants to be. And I know this world will have two more amazing men to contribute to it.

And I can always later "try" again for a girl, although that would be a third child, beyond our cognitive, financial and emotional capabilities and would necessitate that Mike touch me again, which if he reads this sentence, will be highly unlikely.