It's all about perspective...

So the other night I was with a fellow academic mama (Kari) and we were chatting about how intensely our whole lives have changed since becoming a parent. She recounted a story she heard before she had kids where a well-respected social worker colleague told her about why she was concerned for teenage parents. She relayed her story: she was in her early 30's with her first pregnancy; her marital relationship was strong and she identified as a calm, collected person. Kari confirmed that she was pretty much a female Buddha. But, the calm persona hit a wall when she had a baby...with colic. There were many times where she had to get her husband to take the baby so she did not throw the baby down the stairs...seriously. Kari, in her pre-parent perspective, listened horrified. Now, as she recounted the story, post-parent status, we both nodded in complete understanding and empathy. Yep, been there.

It got me thinking, however, how much and in what ways does your perspective change after becoming a parent? With the risk of scaring the bejesus out of pre-parent individuals, I give you the largest and most honest changes in perspective from pre-parent life to the post-Wilson apocalypse.

 

Perspective of Sleep

What, again, is sleep? Wilson did not really sleep through the night until after a year and since he is teething his molars, he still gets up at least once a night. Getting him to sleep and stay asleep was painful, torturous and uncomfortable for both of us. Before Wilson, I slept 9 hours a night and took naps during the day when I felt like it. I went to bed when I wanted and got up when I wanted. Hold on. I'm drooling a little just reminiscing. Now, I get interrupted sleep (a whole year's worth) and for 8 months, he still was getting up around 5 times a night. Insomnia is a thing of the past, as when it is time to sleep, I literally just fall down and start snoring. When I hear something over the monitor, I immediately awake and a sense of panic sets in. No, No, No, Noooooooooooo. Put yourself back to sleep. You can do it.... DO IT. DO IT. Sob. Sob (that's me sobbing by the way). CRAP. Zombie walk to get the bottle, rock him, wait until his little legs relax (the predictor of whether he will go back into the crib or not) and then stumble down the stairs to collapse for 4 more hours of sleep. 

 

Perspective of My Own Parents

Pre-Wilson, I had a great relationship with my parents. With age, I began to understand why they made certain decisions, even if I didn't agree with all of them. However, after becoming a parent, the huge shock of how difficult it is just to keep a child alive dawns on you. Every time you mouthed back, gave them cause to worry or took money from them without thought makes you feel like an ungrateful brat. I should pay them for keeping me alive to my teenage years. Seriously, Wilson would gladly dive down the stairs, sometimes throws himself headfirst onto the floor, throw himself from the couch with great abandon, smashes his head/hands/face into cupboards, sticks his fingers into things which could either get them stuck or cut them and that's all with a COMPLETELY baby-safe environment. Seriously, I live in a gated prison.

 

Perspective of Partner

I found that my perspective of my partner has changed significantly since having a baby. At first, the lack of sleep and change of life made us crazy, but now every day that I see how he steps up to the plate, looks at our son with love and thinks about us in everything he does, it makes me love him even more. But it took a good 11 months after Wilson was born for us to feel back in love with each other. Right after Wilson was born, we were cranky, over-tired and wanted to shake each other for saying stupid things. He did not understand my perspective, nor did I his. We were frankly too sleep-deprived and stressed to engage with each other in a healthy, productive way. Date nights were just short dinners followed by napping because we were so tired. There were several times when I actually said to him, "I have to stop talking to you because I want to punch you in the face." And I wasn't kidding or being hyperbolic. We are back to working as a loving, well-oiled machine, but we definitely had a breakdown and it was frightening to think that we had such conflict with being a near-perfect couple before a baby.

 

Perspective of Time

What the heck did I do with all my time before? Now I have to schedule time to shower, go through my mail and check my email. Not kidding. Pre-baby, I spent a whole summer leveling my characters from World of Warcraft. Seriously. I did nothing else besides eat, sleep, bathe and play WoW with Mike. We had no responsibilities (over the summer) and no one that needed us. For all intensive purposes, we shared summers of retirement. Now, our summers are more work than the time during the school year! From 5 a.m. to 7 p.m., we are slaves to a little man less than 3 feet tall, the house that we bought that was supposed to be mostly care-free and to time. Slaves. The time I had to kill before becoming a parent, now I weep for - what I would give for one full day to do whatever I want, with no worries, no guilt and no interruptions. Well, here's looking to retirement!

 

Perspective of Body

I have always had body issues. But when I was pregnant, I found myself loving my big belly. What a change. In fact, in the first trimester, i was begging for it to get bigger so that I indeed looked pregnant, not overly-full from a high-caloric meal. When I did get gargantuan, I still was proud of my body. I was proud of how it created Wilson and how it survived a long birth process. Pre-baby, there were parts of my body I didn't like. For women, our chest is a very important part of who we are and how attractive we feel. What men do not often pay attention to is that both halves of your chest are not typically the same size, leading to many hours of inspection, dismay and disgust for the one side you really dislike. I had that experience until post-Wilson. When my milk came in, the larger side that I never liked suddenly delivered about 3 times as much milk as the other side. I was never so happy for an oversized boob before. Finally, post-baby, your body SIGNIFICANTLY changes. That flat belly is no more. Unless you are a lying celebrity who has surgey and personal trainers, your body starts to look like a mom-body. Even though I was not skinny before Wilson, my belly was not that large. The other day I stood up quickly and heard my belly "flap'. It flapped. Seriously. I was slightly horrified, but given my lack of sleep and time to care, I thought "huh" and went on with my day.

 

Perspective of Other Moms

I am not a judgmental person by any stretch of the imagination, but I used to see what other  moms would do with their children and think - I don't think I could do that. I had my beautiful book knowledge, behavioral responses, developmental theory and thought that would serve me well. It's not that this hasn't. It certainly helps. But nothing prepares you for how you will react when your child does something insane. Like bite your butt. Yep. Wilson, as he is teething, sometimes likes to bite our arms, butt, thighs, etc. He's a freaking shark. I used to hear other moms yell a lot and thought - I'm just not that kind of person. Well, guess what, with lack of sleep and a set of teeth firmly placed on your ass, you will yell. I've fallen asleep on the floor. I've forgotten to shower for days. I've called in our babysitter for a mental health day. I am one of those moms.

 

Perspective of Yourself

I have always been commended on my patience. In fact, others have literally said, "You seriously have the patience of Job." And outside of giving my mother technical assistance via the phone on her computer, that is very true. I am patient and compassionate with everyone. But, after having a child, I have felt this part of me seriously challenged. Can you still be patient when your toddler bites your boob? Try it. You know that he's teething and doesn't know what he's doing, but FREAKING OW!!!!! It took everything I had not to throw him. I remember when he was 4 months old and would only sleep for 40 minutes at a time, I kept rocking him, praying to the gods and goddesses of the world (really whoever was listening at 3 a.m.) to get him to sleep. He would almost be asleep, then throw his arm out, accidentally slapping me in the face, waking himself up and screaming at full volume again. I had to wake up Mike because, again, I was afraid I was going to throw him. As a toddler, he became obsessed with doors. Anytime one was open, he had to run to it and open and close it for half an hour. If you closed it, he would throw himself on the floor in his best dramatic overture, scream at the top of his lungs and bang his head on the floor. Being a developmental psychologist, I knew exactly what my responsive parental behavior was supposed to be. Have empathy, soothe, identify his emotion and help him recover, then reward him for the recovery. But it took everything I had not to open the door again and sprint out of it. Being a mother is hard. Being a good mother is even harder. But, thanks to the wonderful support I do have in my life, I've never thrown Wilson, I've never been rough with him, I've never failed to be responsive in the way that he needs me to be. He knows he's loved, he knows that I (or daddy) will always be there for him and he sees me take breaths with him when I am teaching him how to control his frustration (and mine). And that is the biggest change I have embraced as a mother. I'm not perfect; I never will be. I have wanted to throw my child across the room, I have wanted to run away. But I have not done those things and I never will. I didn't realize how hard this mommy gig would be, nor did I realize that I would slowly have the strength to meet these challenges as they come, being patient with myself, working as a team with my husband and asking for help when I needed it. These struggles have made me a better teacher, worker, counselor and person. Pre-baby I thought it would be me shaping the life of my little one; post-baby, I realize that it is he that has shaped me and made my life challenging, real and wonderfully whole.