I get it.

So, it's been awhile since my last post. In addition to being Wilson's primary caregiver and night slave, I am teaching two summer courses (12 hours a week in the classroom), conducting two major research studies/presenting and publishing, serving on over 20 committees, running workshops for Baby Signs, taking 2 online courses to finish my requirements for licensure as an LPC and, with my husband's infinite assistance, trying to keep my house in order and pets alive. So for two weeks, when I found that all of my deadlines happened to fall in the same month, I asked Susi, who helps me with Wilson once a week and who has lovingly taken on the role of Abuela, to work 4 days a week for 2 weeks straight.

I am now about to admit something that I believe most mothers feel is incredibly taboo and rarely, if ever, talk about openly. I loved every second of those two weeks. I got up in the morning, kissed and played with Wilson, went back to sleep for a few hours, went to work, came home, put Wilson to bed and tended to him during the night (which, at the time, meant 5 to 6 awakenings during the night and just as many feedings. The thing I enjoyed, and that I had sorely missed, was the fulfillment of my work. I finished the web platforms for all of my summer classes and fall classes. I developed a new online course and found myself back in the classroom for a significant number of hours each week, interacting with students, grading a significant amount as well (my students will vouch that I pull no punches during the summer - they have just as much reading and assignments due in a shorter amount of time). I finished the program evaluation on Mutt-i-grees Social and Emotional Skills Curriculum and read all the comments about what a huge impact it is making on teachers and students. I pulled materials together for an award a student is nominating me for (teaching award) and got to read the letters where students talked about how much my teaching has made a difference in their life, personally and professionally. It felt like my identity was finally coming back and it felt so great. 

On Monday of this week it was back to my typical primary caregiver role and I couldn't help but find myself disappointed, tired...and horribly guilty. As a mom, isn't it fulfilling enough to be a good mother? When you are away from them, aren't you supposed to be missing their every little coo and cry? At the conference I presented at today, a mother was telling me about her experience with her colicky, difficult daughter when she was a baby over twenty years ago. She talked about going to a park and meeting up with a wonderful stay at home mom who regaled the awesomeness of being a mother and loving every minute. This mother said, "What? Are you kidding? I can't wait to go back to work!!" And that is what I believe, most of us mothers truly feel, but are too scared or guilty to admit.

Being a stay-at-home mom sucks. You are a slave, all day long, to your children, your house, your working partner (my husband is a good exception to this and truly a superdad and superhusband who helps in any way he can), and, if you have them, your pets. As a stay at home mom, you don't get paid and you really don't get the recognition of how amazing it is that you keep your children alive, entertained, loved and don't go postal from watching too much Disney Jr. (If I get one more of those stupid jingles stuck in my head!!), answering incessant questions and chasing little people around all day. It never occurred to me to thank my mother for keeping me alive as a baby and toddler. I didn't realize how much work that takes when every second your child is trying to open up drawers with knives, smack their head on the floor after trying to run too fast, throw themselves down stairs, or climb up the stairs and inevitably fall to their doom. Now, I get it. Thanks, mom.

When I was pregnant, I didn't think the day would come that I would gladly leave Wilson with a sitter. Since I had fertility issues, I thought that having him would be all the fulfillment I need. But, many women need fulfillment outside of their role as a parent, as do most fathers. Stay at home moms sacrifice the part of their identities linked to fulfillment outside of the house; gaining respect as a professional; getting positive evaluations and raises; interacting with fully verbal adults all day; seeing your work pay off immediately. In addition, stay at home moms have to put up with people saying, "Why are you tired? You don't work!"When in reality, we pay child care providers a CRAPLOAD of money to do what we don't when we are at work; so much so that it really barely pays to work! Watching kids all day is challenging. It's hard. It's exhausting. I sincerely get it.

I also understand why we, as mothers, feel like we can't say this out loud. The morning I woke up with Wilson and only had about 4 hours of sleep to make it through the day, with him feeling ornery and uncooperative, with no help coming to relieve me for more sleep, I almost cried. And then I almost cried because I had almost cried. Does that make me a bad mother for not always wanting to be with my high-needs son? I love him; his giggles and hugs melt me. His little sloppy kisses and cries for "ma-ma" always make my day. I love watching him grow, see the things he discovers about his world and see what an amazing little boy he is becoming. I am grateful every day that I was able to have him and be blessed with his presence in my life.

But, here comes the horrible mother taboo number one: That is not enough for me to feel happy and fulfilled in my life. It is part of it; a big part, but being a psychologist and counselor, a professor, a researcher, a mentor, a writer, a wife, a dog-caretaker (I'm not going to lie; Mike is totally the cat-caretaker), a friend, a shaman is also part of it. I wondered how many other working mothers feel the same way and I was shocked; almost all of them said, when I asked, in hushed whispers, "Oh my god; I am so happy for my daycare/nanny/babysitter. I love my child, but I would die if I had to take care of them full time." And, again, I get it. Taking care of children is so freaking hard. I give mad props to all stay at home moms. You deserve multiple medals, awards of honor/recognition and a giant hand that face-slaps someone every time they say "But, you don't work..."

And working moms, I'm breaking the taboo for you. My job carries value and I love it. I enjoy it. And sometimes, going to work feels like a bigger break than going home. Don't feel guilty; I get it. I do recognize that my role as a professional and a parent have to be balanced. I do not want Wilson to ever feel that working is more important than he is to me. He is an amazing little being who has brought so much to my life and to my identity. I would die for him in a second. Mike and I are better people for having him in our lives. And I would be devastated if anything ever happened to Wilson; I can't even type that without wanting to sob. 

My parents taught me about the importance of a work ethic, of finding a job that fulfills you and gives back to others. A profession where I can provide for my family, find my strength as a woman and provider, be independent and rely on myself. I want to teach Wilson the same thing; that he can have a partner, a family, a home and a fulfilling profession, if that is what he wants. And he doesn't need to feel guilty for loving all of those things.