Poem for Wilson

I hold you a little longer tonight, my son
As I see the tears of those parents who
lost their children
just down the road.

As I feel the veil of sadness and confusion
that consumes our community
I look at you
just a little longer.

I kiss you just a few more times,
feeling your skin on mine,
hoping I will never feel
the tremendous loss that comes from losing a child.

I listen carefully to your laughs
for you know nothing yet of tragedy and trauma;
your innocence
still intact.

As I hold your little hands, I am frightened for you.
Worried for the scars that you may endure
Hopeful that we will never experience such tragedy
Praying that your generation will find peace.

No words can express the sadness I feel for those parents
as my new-parent heart bleeds in pain of the threat
of losing such a precious gift.
I search for a way to cope with the thought.

So, I hold you a little longer tonight, my son.
I look at you just a little longer.
I kiss you just a few more times.
I listen carefully to your laughs.
And I hold your little hands in mine
with the fresh realization that every second of our time
is a gift that can be taken away with no warning.

Meaning via Wilson

As I sit here tonight with a sore throat and stuffy nose from a cold that my husband and son gave me, several blocked milk ducts and mastitis, along with massive sleep deprivation from my little guy's teething nights, I am reflecting on why I feel like I wouldn't change a thing... How am I so happy when I am having such a hard time? So, for tonight's blog post, I want to reflect on the very positive things that being a parent has brought to me thus far.

1. Every experience has much more significance. Before Wilson, the highlights of my life had to do with my successes: going to college, graduating from Yale, getting my professorship, getting tenure and promotion. I also valued my relationships: getting married to Mike, my love for my family - my mother, father and brothers, and my life with my pets. But, now, things that seem mundane take on new significance. Just sitting around the house before would have had no significance except for extra sleep. Now, it's exactly the opposite: Laying on the couch each morning with Wilson as we drift into a cozy co-sleep nap, changing his diaper each morning amid smiles and giggles, the way that Wilson nuzzles into my neck as I rock him to sleep each night. And I realize that life has not become only about the major events in my life, but about the little moments - that I will treasure forever.

2. My life is no longer shallow. I used to think about what new electronic goodie I needed, what new restaurant I wanted to try for dinner, what movie I wanted to watch, what publication I was working on or what clothes and makeup I wanted to buy. Now I worry about making the right decisions for my son, providing him with enough enriching experiences, making our home peaceful and calm, being a good mother and providing him with a good life and good values.







3. I am much more instinctual rather than cerebral. I embrace my nerdiness and my nature as an academic; I am in my head analyzing everything most of the time. But at 3 a.m. when the baby needs a bottle, I am never thinking about what needs to be done - I am acting on instinct. I often surprise Wilson's other caregivers as I often know immediately what he wants or needs - not based on his cues or cries, just based on my intuition and instinct. I fully embrace this new-found state of being - no doubt, no neuroticism, no anxiety or analysis paralysis. Just acting naturally in the way I feel I was intended to be.

4. I have a new social network. I often wondered why my friends who became parents had little time for their previous single or non-parent friends. Now I know that you have little time for anyone or anything! But, there is something comforting about affiliating with other parents that helps you on this journey. It helps you to figure things out, gather advice, to feel more normal, to appreciate your little ones, and to provide opportunities for the family to be together with other families. I love the new friends I have made, as well as the groups that I am in (virtual and otherwise). I would never have met these wonderful people without becoming a parent, as my pre-parent life did not allow me to travel much outside my typical life and comfort zone. 

5. I am able to so easily be in the moment. It used to be difficult to focus on staying in the present, not worrying about the past or the future, but those things do not even enter my mind when I hold Wilson close. His smiles, his hugs, his love for the simple things - giggling at the dog, cooing at my singing or "conversing" with me makes me appreciate our little moment in time.

6. My 'eyes' are new. Things that were boring and repetitive before are now interesting and new. The way Wilson looks at the sun shining in through the window, how every time Wilson sees his "Leo" (his little Lion blanket toy) he gets excited, a Dr. Seuss book, how a blanket is so soft and comforting, how a silly jumper can be incredible fun and how music makes you feel such happiness. Wilson has allowed me to look at the world in a new way; the same world I took for granted every day and would never be able to "see" without him.




7. The best thing I have ever done. When I hold Wilson's tiny hands, kiss his head, return his beautiful smiles, marvel at his strong grip, listen to his contagious giggles and hear his soft voice, I can not believe that I had a part in his creation. That out of the love I had for my husband, we made this perfect being together - That my body helped to hold and nurture him until he was ready to survive and thrive on his own. As a woman, I have always had a love-hate relationship with my body, but after Wilson, I will never again take it for granted for it gave me Wilson.

One thing is sure: my life is forever changed by this little guy. And even though being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do, it is easily the most meaningful and fulfilling. I know that these short three and a half months are just the tip of the iceberg, so as I sit here stuffed-up, tired and sore, I still look forward to what I haven't seen on this journey yet - even if I have to drive over a few bumps in the road to get there.


 

Adventures in Breastfeeding, Continued...

I'm not entirely sure if I should still be calling this post "breastfeeding" since I'm exclusively pumping, but since breastfeeding moms tell me that pumping is way harder, I'll go with it. Since I last posted on breastfeeding, things have progressed, but not in the "natural, I am so peaceful here feeding my baby" way. I continue to pump and have about 300 ounces stored, in addition to having his daily milk covered. And I am only pumping three times a day, which is virtually unheard of. After talking to a friend who exclusively pumped for over a year, I got some advice on how to get a large supply and be able to maintain long-term. With the assistance of my mother who cared for Wilson for a week while I pumped EVERY 2 HOURS AROUND THE CLOCK, I built up a large supply. I then tailored it down to every 3 hours, 4 hours, etc. until I finally made it to every 8 hours. I take a Fenugreek supplement three times a day to keep my supply consistent. Not only does it do that well, it also turns you into an IHOP because it makes you smell like maple syrup. Seriously. My dogs want to lick my arms for no apparent reason now. But, I guess that is a good side effect on those days when you can't get a shower because of the baby.

I remember saying to my best friend, "I don't care if he can ever latch, I just want to make enough milk to feed him." Well, be careful what you wish for my friends, because Wilson is 15 weeks old and has yet to latch. We still try. Sometimes he mouths at the breast and laughs at me. Sometimes he really tries, but looks confused. Recently, however, I have decided that it wasn't necessarily a bad thing that he is not nursing, since my freak of a baby is teething at 3 months old. I am well aware of over-achieving, but this is ridiculous! I was a little wary of predicting teething since I thought he was before and it was actually his lovely difficult temperament showing itself, so I didn't really say anything at first. First, I had to get the bibs out because he was drooling like it was an olympic sport that he was practicing. Then, he started rubbing at his cheek, leaving a little red spot of dry skin and several wolverine-fingernail scratches. Then, he got a cold and an ear infection. Then, my husband asked if Wilson had recently encountered a zombie because he was literally biting at anything that came near his face. Toys, blankets, our hands AND the nipple on his bottle. He actually tore a nipple one night and we poured milk all over ourselves (aka liquid gold - cry!). But, I sat there thinking. "Huh. That could be my nipple right now." And I was never happier to be pumping exclusively. 

Until a few days later when I felt a little weird after pumping to look down and find a giant blood blister on my nipple. Now, I wasn't sure what to make of this, except that it kind of hurt and looked bad. So I did the obligatory google search and found that it was a normal thing that happens sometimes in breastfeeding and pumping. I didn't think that it was too bad until the next time I pumped...when it popped. Then and every time I pumped, there was excruciating pain from the unhealed wound and I would literally have to brace myself with tears coming down my cheeks when I first started pumping. Luckily, someone from my Yoga Mommies Face Book group advised to put ice on it before pumping, which made it go from excruciating to NO PAIN. I love that woman. 

The other thing that I was advised to do was to express some breastmilk on it to keep it healing, which also worked wonders. Which brings me to my next thought: have you ever seen the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding?  The father in it carries around a bottle of Windex and uses it for everything from a rash to a cut to a pimple. Well, I think breastmilk is the new (or old?) Windex. I have used it to heal my own cuts, heal Wilson's dry skin (when combined with calendula lotion), heal an infection in his eyes when he was a newborn, heal his ear infection (combined with garlic drops), prevent Wilson from getting a cold that I had when he was 2 months old and healing his little Wolverine scratches on his face. If this stuff is so amazing, it makes me wonder why we don't bottle it and use it more. Probably because it is freaking gross to think about. One doctor told a mom to drink her own breastmilk when she was sick because of the antibodies would help her get better faster. And that's probably true - but I could never do it. I still haven't tasted it and yet, I wonder why I am willing to drink a large farm animal's titty juice every morning with my cereal?

But anyway, I digress. So after slowly healing, I have noticed that this breast doesn't feel right. It's slightly swollen, feels warmer to the touch, is sore and occasionally feels like it is on fire inside. So, I probably have a clogged duct or mastitis, also side effects from nursing and pumping. When is this supposed to get natural?!?? So after flu-like symptoms all day and having a very sore boob, I dragged myself, my teething baby and my husband to get groceries so we do not starve this next week. When we got home, my husband said "Huh, what is this?" as he held up a piece of my breast pump sitting on the floor. My mouth hung open in shock and horror as I found the connecting pieces (the piece that holds together the flange, the bottle and the pump wires) spread about the floor, incredibly clean and with dog teeth marks all over them. "Seriously?!?!?" I cried as I ran around trying to find the other one and to make sure they did not get to my $500 pump. I apparently, in my teething-induced sleep haze forgot to put the parts on the counter to clean and left them wrapped in a cloth on my nursing bag on the couch. And the little bitches pounced as soon as I left. I hysterically prayed, driving way over the speed limit (without the baby in the car) to Babies'r'us late on Sunday night to get replacement parts, that they would be open and have them in stock.  They did.

So, I'm off to Dr. Smillie's again to treat the mastitis/clogged duct/burst blood blister and see how I can try to get this little teething monkey to maybe latch before he's 18 years old. Hopefully my next update will include someone besides the dogs trying to get to my breastmilk (namely my infant), less infections (for everyone) and more peaceful feelings of natural bonding. But, for now, it's 10 p.m. and time to pump again.