Meaning via Wilson

As I sit here tonight with a sore throat and stuffy nose from a cold that my husband and son gave me, several blocked milk ducts and mastitis, along with massive sleep deprivation from my little guy's teething nights, I am reflecting on why I feel like I wouldn't change a thing... How am I so happy when I am having such a hard time? So, for tonight's blog post, I want to reflect on the very positive things that being a parent has brought to me thus far.

1. Every experience has much more significance. Before Wilson, the highlights of my life had to do with my successes: going to college, graduating from Yale, getting my professorship, getting tenure and promotion. I also valued my relationships: getting married to Mike, my love for my family - my mother, father and brothers, and my life with my pets. But, now, things that seem mundane take on new significance. Just sitting around the house before would have had no significance except for extra sleep. Now, it's exactly the opposite: Laying on the couch each morning with Wilson as we drift into a cozy co-sleep nap, changing his diaper each morning amid smiles and giggles, the way that Wilson nuzzles into my neck as I rock him to sleep each night. And I realize that life has not become only about the major events in my life, but about the little moments - that I will treasure forever.

2. My life is no longer shallow. I used to think about what new electronic goodie I needed, what new restaurant I wanted to try for dinner, what movie I wanted to watch, what publication I was working on or what clothes and makeup I wanted to buy. Now I worry about making the right decisions for my son, providing him with enough enriching experiences, making our home peaceful and calm, being a good mother and providing him with a good life and good values.







3. I am much more instinctual rather than cerebral. I embrace my nerdiness and my nature as an academic; I am in my head analyzing everything most of the time. But at 3 a.m. when the baby needs a bottle, I am never thinking about what needs to be done - I am acting on instinct. I often surprise Wilson's other caregivers as I often know immediately what he wants or needs - not based on his cues or cries, just based on my intuition and instinct. I fully embrace this new-found state of being - no doubt, no neuroticism, no anxiety or analysis paralysis. Just acting naturally in the way I feel I was intended to be.

4. I have a new social network. I often wondered why my friends who became parents had little time for their previous single or non-parent friends. Now I know that you have little time for anyone or anything! But, there is something comforting about affiliating with other parents that helps you on this journey. It helps you to figure things out, gather advice, to feel more normal, to appreciate your little ones, and to provide opportunities for the family to be together with other families. I love the new friends I have made, as well as the groups that I am in (virtual and otherwise). I would never have met these wonderful people without becoming a parent, as my pre-parent life did not allow me to travel much outside my typical life and comfort zone. 

5. I am able to so easily be in the moment. It used to be difficult to focus on staying in the present, not worrying about the past or the future, but those things do not even enter my mind when I hold Wilson close. His smiles, his hugs, his love for the simple things - giggling at the dog, cooing at my singing or "conversing" with me makes me appreciate our little moment in time.

6. My 'eyes' are new. Things that were boring and repetitive before are now interesting and new. The way Wilson looks at the sun shining in through the window, how every time Wilson sees his "Leo" (his little Lion blanket toy) he gets excited, a Dr. Seuss book, how a blanket is so soft and comforting, how a silly jumper can be incredible fun and how music makes you feel such happiness. Wilson has allowed me to look at the world in a new way; the same world I took for granted every day and would never be able to "see" without him.




7. The best thing I have ever done. When I hold Wilson's tiny hands, kiss his head, return his beautiful smiles, marvel at his strong grip, listen to his contagious giggles and hear his soft voice, I can not believe that I had a part in his creation. That out of the love I had for my husband, we made this perfect being together - That my body helped to hold and nurture him until he was ready to survive and thrive on his own. As a woman, I have always had a love-hate relationship with my body, but after Wilson, I will never again take it for granted for it gave me Wilson.

One thing is sure: my life is forever changed by this little guy. And even though being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do, it is easily the most meaningful and fulfilling. I know that these short three and a half months are just the tip of the iceberg, so as I sit here stuffed-up, tired and sore, I still look forward to what I haven't seen on this journey yet - even if I have to drive over a few bumps in the road to get there.