Changing Our Narrative: From Difficult to Sensitive

As Wilson has gotten older and we have added one easy-tempered infant to the mix, the impact of Wilson's difficult temperament on all of us have become more and more apparent. We have found a good way of reacting, but it requires endless patience and ultimate consistency and persistence (something so readily available when you get no sleep and have 2 children under 3). Although it would be very easy just to let him run amok, I know that it will invite future behavioral and emotional problems. So, we cannot be permissive. I also do not choose to be punitive or to use corporal punishment; although there have been times despite my Buddha-esque nature, I have just wanted to shake the crap out of him (Is it wrong to say that shaking him sounds like it would feel so good sometimes???). I know given the research, the brief stint of time-out that we did with him and how things have affected Mike (who has the twin temperament - p.s. there really should have been a disclaimer on our marriage license) that punishment only serves to increase his anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed, teaches him that violence is a resolution, reinforces a mistrust of us as parents and increases his inner emotionality. So, we have chosen to be responsive. We continually correct, ask him to perform a behavior in the right way, reinforce, discuss, explain, distract, prevent and respond. It's sort of exhausting; I want a drink just thinking about it.

I have been struggling with not only how to best handle his temperament, but also how to describe it. I have toyed with hot mess, emo, crazytown, shoot me and Oh God, why? But, being a psychologist, I know the power of words. By using the term difficult temperament repeatedly (which I have), I know I am making an impression on myself and Wilson. I feel more and more drained when just thinking about what I have to do when he is "difficult". He is hearing that he is hard to deal with, and while true, he may internalize those messages negatively and lower his self-worth and self-esteem. What I have been struggling with is how to help him on one hand understand that his high needs do not make him a bad person, but on the other realize that he has to be careful with how he impacts himself and others.

Fifteen to twenty percent of all children fall somewhere on the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) continuum. Although many of these individuals are introverts (or slow to warm temperament), a substantial amount are from the high needs/ difficult temperament. These children are capable of taking in more information and processing a substantial amount more than others; they notice more on their environment and reflect more on what they see or feel. As a result, they tend to be very intelligent, empathic, conscientious, creative and careful. They are the advisers, strategists and planners. They keep others safe and healthy. In evolutionary terms, we cannot survive without them. If everyone was easy-going, we would all die out as a species. "Oh, hey! Look at that bear! I think I'll go say hello!" You need those individuals who are anxious, pay attention for danger and can see things clearly to survive. Waylon and I, although intelligent and thoughtful, are not the pause to check kind of people. We are about living life in a nonchalant, sometimes messy, manner. We could not survive without Wilson and Mike. But the reverse is also true; HSPs and Non-HSPs need each other to survive and thrive.

So what is the dark side of being an HSP? Well, it is incredibly easy to get overwhelmed. Because they take in so much through their senses, they cannot multi-task very well, nor can they handle over-stimulation. I remember when Mike and I first lived together and I would greet him at the door to hug him and say hello (honeymoonish behavior - I now grunt at him when he gets home). After a few days, he looked at me and said, "I need a moment! Just give me some space - like 5 minutes when I get home so that I can decompress!! PLEASE!!" "Ok cranky pants - Mums the word!" I said laughing.

It was my first insight into the fact that Mike experienced his world very differently than I did. Physical and social contact calm me, but I don't notice everything that happens. In fact, I am quite skilled at cutting things out of my periphery (like dishes, laundry and anything else that needs to be done). But for my HSP boys,  too much stimulation can lead them to shut down, in which case, you readily see their dark side. They are suddenly stoutly un-empathic, lashing out, angry, irritable, withdrawing and emotional. Not all HSPs are alike; some personalities are more difficult than others. There are multiple types of HSPs and profiles, but let me walk you through Wilson's specific sensitivity profile.

Let me paint the picture of what sensitivity really means for him. Wilson has what is known as physical intensity. He feels more pain than most children and has incredibly sensitive hearing. When Wilson has a diaper rash, his responses are incredibly heightened. He screams and refuses to walk. He cries so loudly that you think that his leg bones seriously must be shattered. Not kidding. It takes about 30 minutes to change his diaper, slowly cleaning, blowing on the area, reassuring him, hugging him, putting on diaper cream (just as slowly) and arranging the diaper so that it does not rub up against the affected area. Conversely, my easy tempered infant who has my temperament and pain threshold, does not even flinch when he has had a rash. Once he had a bleeding rash and he giggled when I cleaned it. Giggled. Wilson's shirt tag once brushed up against his neck the wrong way. We spent the next 40 minutes, off and on, blowing on his neck, rubbing it, scratching it and checking it, AFTER I had removed the tag. This is not an unusual occurrence. He needs this level of help with many things...on a daily basis.

He also experiences emotional intensity. This means that he feels all emotions strongly. He is also very affected by others' moods and feelings. When he is happy, his smile can make you feel pure unfiltered joy. When he feels frustrated, his anger is palpable. He is hostile and it bursts out of him like rays of hate-shine. These are not little tantrums; they are complete breakdowns. You can feel his desperation and sense of being overwhelmed; he is not being manipulative. He is desperate and in despair. You can see that even happiness can be over-stimulating at a point and he can breakdown in the same way.

Wilson also has a somewhat complex presentation in that he has novelty low threshold and novelty seeking. This means that rather than be overwhelmed and shy away from the environment which can challenge his highly sensitive physical and emotional system, he seeks out novelty. He enjoys new things, learning and engaging with others. His is arguably the most difficult presentation. These types are easily bored and yet easily overwhelmed. They have a narrow window of optimal arousal. They can sometimes be seen as quite self-destructive because they desire to do an incredible amount of activity and yet will become overwhelmed by what you wanted to do and shut down. Awesome sauce!

Wilson has a high activity level. He needs constant stimulation and is running from morning until bedtime. He has a high intensity of emotional response. He is our true drama king. Whining, hysterical crying and hysterical laughter are commonplace. He has a medium level of rhythmicity. He thrives best on a schedule and is very predictable with things like when he needs sleep. Other times, though, like with his eating, he is incredibly unpredictable. One day, he will eat everything in the cupboard; the next, he seems to be surviving on milk and oxygen. Wilson also has a low level of adaptability. It is very difficult for him to transition, especially to something over which he feels he has no control. We have to give him 30 minute warnings to transitions, get him physically ready, explain it repeatedly, have him repeat us, offer something desired after the transition and MAYBE he will make the transition smoothly. He is also a social approacher, meaning that he seeks out others and novelty, showing little fear. He has a high level of persistence with low distractibility. Once on a task, he will finish it; likewise if he wants to do something, it is incredibly hard to deter him or distract him from it. He has figured out every kind of childproof  lock, knows how to open all of the gates, operate the telephone, the remotes and our iPhones...whether we were hoping for some of that or not.

So that is the problem profile of my little Wilson. A social, excitable almost-preschooler who seeks out exciting events only to be easily overwhelmed by them, both physically and emotionally. So, what are the remnants of being easily overwhelmed? He notices EVERYTHING. Scratches, tears, a new pimple (thanks for that one), subtle differences in others and in his environment. And if it is something that can't be fixed, it bothers him immensely. When he is overwhelmed, he can become anxious and frightened OR hostile and angry. Anxious means he cries that a leaf outside is a dreaded "fuzzy" or bug. He is scared that he may encounter a bug and might refuse to touch something outside. When he is hostile, he will cry, slap, throw himself with the intensity of a total meltdown. He is typically easily consoled (thank you Birth to Three), but he can get to the place of total meltdown quite quickly. He is particularly reactive to his brother who wants to play with his toys that he has neatly lined up. He struggles with sharing his favorite toys (not uncommon for a preschooler, much less a 2-year-old), but his intense reactivity to having a car taken out of the line he has created is always reminiscent of a hysterical crazed lunatic. 

All of this is why the narrative of his difficult temperament has really resonated for me. As a parent, it means being hypervigilant and preventative. It means explaining everything. It means never sitting down. It means having to consider everything in every situation. It means never being able to relax or turn off. In a few words, it just plain sucks. That is true; and it has been my narrative up to this point. But this blog signifies my willingness to let it go. Because Wilson is many other things than just his sensitivity.



Wilson is creative; he loves to solve problems and puzzles. He loves mastering his environment or figuring things out - he is quite the scientist in many ways. He likes to color and to finger paint and to make things with play-doh or putty. He loves feeling different sensations in a focused way and sharing them with others.



He is intensely social; he wants to talk, to hug, to experience life with others. He loves his mama and daddy, Waylie, Abuela Susi, Abuela Dina, and his 2 Aunt Jess', his Uncle Joe and Aunt Gaby (who I am fairly sure he has a huge crush on). He loves his friend Taryn and his doggies.


He is quite compassionate and caring of his doggie sisters, being very gentle, feeding them and loving them any chance he gets. He loves dressing up, especially his hats and loves how everyone tells him that he is cute.


He loves mental games, like figuring out his letters and numbers, something he had done all on his own. He loves singing and dancing. He is incredibly skilled physically. He learns things, particularly physical things, quickly and with little illustration.


He has a great sense of humor and makes jokes very often (although at his age they are limited to farting, burping and falling - or wait, is that just a male thing?).



He is very interested in my spirituality, reminding me that Buddha tells us to take a breath, playing with my grounding rocks or lighting candles. He is friendly, sweet and enigmatic. His ability to take a photo is way more photogenic than the rest of our family. And he is full of love.

His hugs and kisses are very much the highlights of my days. And he is also sensitive. Sensitive to physical stimuli which is why he is probably so physically skilled.

He is emotionally sensitive, which is why he is so affectionate and caring of the dogs and why he loves our affection and hugs. He is active and intense, which will make him a great leader. Someone always willing to go the extra mile and figure out problems to better others. And despite how tired I get, I am proud to be his mama.

Mommyfessions Part II: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly and The Taboo

So, my mother and I were having a conversation the other day. She said to me, "Oh Good - you get to stay home today because of the snow cancellation! That's nice!" Feeling authentic, I said, "No it's not! It's not nice!!" After having the flu (103 fever for 2 days), sharing tasks with my very sick husband, taking care of a sick 2 year old and a sick 7 month old, all the while working and pumping through it, we got our childcare provider sick AND we were snowed in. I never wanted to go to work so badly in my life. It made me think about what mothers REALLY think and how they really feel. I'm about to keep it 100 here, so be forewarned. These are some of my most taboo mommyfessions.

I would rather sleep than anything else in this world. Seriously. Chocolate, sex, winning the lottery, getting an award. Meeting a hero. Nothing appeals me to but sleep. I made the awesome decision to get pregnant when Wilson had just turned a year old, so if you calculate the last few months of pregnancy with Wilson where I wasn't sleeping well, it's been about 2 years and 8 months since I had a good night's sleep. It's been over 8 months since I slept more than 4 hours of sleep at a time. I pay childcare providers so that I can sleep. On the VERY rare day that Waylon does sleep for more than 4 hours and even when I could get sleep, I either here phantom crying or my overproduction of breastmilk wakes me up so that I go pump.  Sometimes, I daydream about going to bed and just sleeping for a year. THAT is my dirtiest fantasy now: sleeping alone.

My favorite activity is going to a restaurant to work. By Myself. Over sabbatical, I started doing this and found that it was so amazing. In my twenties, I would have hated going out to eat by myself. Now, it's beautiful. Like an amazing overseas vacation. No one talks to me or asks me for anything. I get waited on. I can go to the bathroom whenever I would like. I can work or check my email without a child lunging for my computer and sending an email that says, "Hi! Just chekcingowhgoiawehgoaehroihrgnhorhgoeiahgoihx98f." It's happened. 

Pumping breastmilk has become my "me time". That's so sad, but true. I exclusively pump and provide milk for both my 2 year old and my 8 month old. It's free, super healthy and very luckily, plentiful. But it's work. So when I pump, I watch Netflix, check Facebook, try to half sleep, read, do something for myself while the little whirring motor rhythmically sucks out my energy. I feel that's fair. If the kids are with me while I pump, they can quietly sit by me, but the minute they start crawling on me or pulling at the tubes (a favorite of Waylon's), I'm screaming for Mike to come get them. Because if I'm going to feed the family, I should get 20 minutes to sort of relax. I pump so much that since Waylon has been born, I have watched all of the seasons of Sons of Anarchy, Medium, Roswell, Crossing Jordan, Law & Order SVU, The Glades, The United States of Tara, Orange is the New Black, Girls, Fringe, The L Word, and am currently finishing Criminal Minds. Thinking of going for Breaking Bad next. That's just so sad.

My Faculty Picture
Note the happiness.

I LOVE going to work. Like love it. I can go to the bathroom when I like, am not screamed at, get to feel productive, eat when I would like, sit at my desk being cerebral, write thoughtful and intelligent work and feel successful. I'm home with the kids for most of the week. Let's recap last Tuesday with the boys for an example. I wake up, pump, put bottles away, get breakfast for Wilson (as he screams CEREAL, CEREAL!!! at me), while simultaneously ensuring Waylon isn't falling down the heating register (one of his new pastimes) or trying to hold Waylon at the same time (because once he gets tired, he follows me around pulling on my pant leg and loudly communicating his annoyance for not picking him up). Then I try to get Wilson to play with something quietly while I put Waylon down for his morning nap. He has a great paint with water activity, but if I leave the table, he pours food in the paint water. If I sit at the table, Waylon won't sleep, but will grab at the paint bowl to try to eat it. To which Wilson will either yell "NO WAYLIE!!" or try to slap at him, while I'm wrestling the baby away from the table. So I give him his alphabet apps on his iPhone. He plays those, but it has to be at the highest volume, so Waylon can't sleep then either. I try to get him playing with his trucks, but then Wilson crashes them against walls, together, my foot. Then he runs around manically with his shopping cart, screeching at the top of his voice, falling over, running into cupboards and giggling loudly. Waylon is exhausted, but won't go to sleep, so I am rocking him and he's drinking his bottle while pulling my hair, grasping at my lips or trying to pinch my nose. Sometimes Wilson wants me to hold him WHILE I'm trying to get Waylon to sleep, so I get to try to hold two boys on my lap, while trying to strategically keep them from striking distance from each other. And by the way, it's only 8 a.m. 

Mike babywearing Waylon
while carrying Wilson on
his shoulders while letting
me get some sleep.
Seriously, a superhero.

I am a neglectful wife. My husband is super man. He goes to work, takes care of bills, is a true co-parent and helps out with the kids whenever needed, gets up early if I need a break from overnight baby duty, is loving and helps out around the house continually. But between pumping over 60 ounces of milk a day, working 3 jobs, corralling a 2 year old, caring for an 8 month old, cosleeping for 8 months with a baby, getting minimal sleep for 2+ years, working hard with consistent intervention strategies to make Wilson an empathic, happy and self-regulated boy, cleaning up after the Wilwind and his tendency to tear his play room apart, taking care of dogs, tending to students' needs, preparing for presentations, writing my book and other publications, checking email, preparing for committees, along with the other 200 things that I am responsible for, I have NOTHING left. I have got an exhausted hug, a kiss and a "how was your day?" while I peer out from the luggage under my eyes and try to stay focused for the answer. I've started getting weekly childcare for my husband and I to have dates or time together because I know that it takes more than a passing hug to keep a marriage whole. And I love him very much. And he can never leave because I would die as a single mother. 

My hero is my childcare provider. Seriously, when she comes in three days a week, I breathe a huge sigh of relief. I can either get sleep, go to work or you know, pee or get a glass of water for myself. Taking care of two active boys is intense and I thank the universe (and her) everyday that I have someone to watch the kids. She loves the kids, they love her, she keeps them busy and SOMEHOW always finds time to do my dishes. Screw Batman. This woman is seriously amazing.

 
The little moments with the kids make it almost worth it. The little smiles, hugs, watching them do something amazing, hearing Wilson say something sweet, putting puzzles together, watching them grow, getting a sweet kiss, seeing that you are their world makes you momentarily feel great about being a parent. Then they smack you in the face and the moment is over. 

I wouldn't have it any other way. Here's the absolute crazy thing. I wouldn't. I love parenting a highly sensitive, high maintenance and demanding Wilson. He teaches me everyday something new and has made me a better counselor/psychologist educator and counselor myself. I understand him and his father in a way that I didn't anticipate after learning about his temperament and his sensitivity to incoming data/information. I love having a baby and seeing how much Waylon is like me. I love sleeping with him at night and the little cuddles he gives me while softly touching my face. I love when Wilson does something sweet like brush my hair or kiss Waylie on the head. I love my teaching, my students, my research, my work at Yale, my committee work, my writing, my publications and presentations, and my counseling work. I miss the kids when I am not with them, but feel so good that I am contributing to my students' lives and all the lives of their clients. I love my husband more and more each day -- and am thankful that he is just as tired as I am, so he doesn't blame me for not putting enough effort into our marriage. He sees my gratitude for him, my giving him self-care time, my love -- and for now, that is enough. I would like more sleep, but I wouldn't want anyone else getting up to comfort my infant sons during the night. Those memories of cuddles, of soft kisses, of cosleeping while holding onto one another will stay with me forever. The boys have made me a better, more thoughtful and mature person in ways I didn't even know could exist. I may be completely and utterly exhausted, but I am a whole person: a mother, a teacher, a researcher, a counselor, spiritual, complete and fulfilled. And I'm betting grown children and retirement will also be pretty fulfilling... at least I'll get more sleep.

Avoiding Behavioral Problems: Keeping the Tots Busy

Now that Wilson has been significantly more cooperative after the implementation of calm down corner, we now have invested in quiet table activities that are sensory-based and can keep Wilson's attention, especially when we need to be doing other things. 

The key to the success of these activities are that they are kept in a separate area from the other toys; we pull down one at a time and work with it for a finite amount of time before we clean it up and move on to something else. When he starts to get upset, I will suggest calming down or playing with a sensory toy and he immediately stops. He also independently asks me to get a toy down if he wants to play with it as well. If your child is younger or has limited verbal abilities, it can help to use pictures of the toys so that they can point or bring you a picture of what they want. 

Along with the readily available calm down box, one of our first toys on our sensory bookshelf is a rice box. Easy to make and super fun for the kids. I took a plastic shoe box and filled it with rice (or couscous if you want to make it feel like sand) and put in a few cups and sea creatures. You can create different colors or make it into a bin for longer play. Either way, you will need an old sheet or blanket to put underneath the play area because it can get messy!

Our second toy on the shelf is play-doh. It is sensory-based, lots of fun and has interactive toys. I also purchased some safety scissors that he can use to cut the play-doh, since he loves interacting with the play-doh and cutting. It helps keep them focused, stimulates the tactile and visual senses. This is one of Wilson's favorites.

We also have several sound puzzles. These make loud noises when you put the piece in. These help develop focus, fine motor skills and keep the kids quiet and engaged. Wilson particularly likes the vehicle puzzle, but Melissa & Doug have several versions.

Another of Wil's favorite sensory toys is putty. It's stretchy and an interesting feeling; it helps focus, ground and keeps interest as it excites the tactile senses. Also, we hide objects (like pennies) in it so that we can dig through it to find them, then hide them again. This is a great calm-down toy as well (helpful when they are feeling over-stimulated, anxious or upset).

We also have a plastic box full of ultra-washable markers, colored pencils, crayons, safety scissors, a jumbo coloring pad, drawing paper and construction paper for Wilson to use to express his creative side. Another big favorite. 

 Paint with water books are fun, non-messy and help access that creative side. We have a few of these along with some preschool paintbrushes. Add water in a small cup and fun time begins!

Potato heads are also a big hit with Wilson; and they require quiet, focused concentration and play.

We have two of these skills boards that help keep him engaged and work on fine motor skills. These ones they usually need some help with at first, so it's not a completely independent activity.

Another activity that he likes is fingerpainting. We have a giant pad, washable fingerpaint colors and a smock to protect his clothes. We pour the paints on a paper plate and cover the table and let him go to town on the paper. He's actually much more cautious and deliberate with this activity than I would have thought. It helps to focus him, stimulate tactile senses and feed his creative side.

Melissa and Doug (who I love, by the way) have various reusable sticker pads which can help create lots of fun for little ones to create scenes -- and again -- help focus and calm, which is the key for all of these activities.

Magnetic dress up play helps develop creativity, focus and fine motor skills. I love this set for Wilson; the only thing that could be better is if Melissa and Doug had equally interesting dress up for a girl doll. I was a little miffed that she doesn't get superhero and fireman; she gets pink clothes, ballerina gear and princess dresses. Not cool, but that is another blog altogether...

Lacing beads are also a great activity. They require fine motor skills, focus, calm and are a great quiet table activity. Wilson loves the challenge of these and keeps going until all the beads are on the string. 

Peg boards are another tool that I got from the Occupational Therapist. They are fun, sensory-based, good learning tools and keep their attention and focus. A nice toy to take for travel as well - if you are planning on dining out, etc.

Sorting puzzles are helpful, calming, help with fine motor skills and are learning activities at the same time. There are a wide variety of these puzzles available - different varieties of the sorting puzzle are available at many locations -- just remember the key is keeping it special and only played with when requested.

Kinetic sand kits are amazing. The feeling of kinetic sand is a crazy sensory experience. Then playing with this in an easy, non-messy, creative way is incredibly engaging for little ones (I love these too!).

This pounding bench is the toddler equivalent to a punching bag. Great for getting out frustration and finding a way to giggle - even when you are feeling mad.

Wilson LOVES cutting things - probably because as a toddler, he is never allowed to touch knives, but sees us cut things all the time. This kit gives them the opportunity to feel like they are doing a big person activity, while working on fine motor skills. They may need help with this at first as they learn how to hold the wooden knife and push it between the food parts (which are held together by velcro).

This company has a few kits which are nice to take with you for travel - particularly eating out. I find when we are waiting for our meal, Wilson gets the most agitated, but keep him busy and he's laughing, sweet and engaged.

These toys, in addition to the calm down kit, have been a lifesaver. These are giving Wilson a positive outlet for all of his energy, help with calming down, a learning tool and a developmentally-based skill-builders! I love the positivity of these sensory methods because you are teaching them how to use external objects to help cope with strong emotions and building self-esteem. I always say that the best adult characteristics (i.e., being independent, knowing what you want, motivated, creative, investigatory, etc.) are the worst toddler characteristics for parents. Keeping a calm down and sensory activity library help you enjoy these toddler characteristics and keep your own sanity as an adult. Important things.

You can view my Pinterest board on sensory toys here: http://www.pinterest.com/mginicola/dealing-with-behavior-problems-in-toddlers/

Breaking My Silence: CIO

There has been so much discussion lately about cry it out (CIO) as a form of sleep training. Particularly since there have been a few recent studies suggesting it does no harm and it has been a topic of conversation, it has bothered me immensely - both personally and as a developmental psychologist. I usually keep my personal parenting practices on controversial topics to myself, but in a moment of inspiration this morning, I've decided that I'm going to share my personal and then my professional (which does differ) philosophy as a developmental psychologist about it. 

First, I do want to say that there is a difference between cry it out and staying in the room with them to support them - also there is a difference between fussing and crying. So if you leave them to work it out when they are "fussing" that is not CIO. Pure CIO, which I am going to comment on here, is the screaming and cries you hear which initially increase when the child realizes that no one is coming and then they gradually decrease until the cries are extinguished as a behavior. There has been some research on this topic and a great amount of discourse among psychologists on the topic.

Personally, I don't use cry it out for three main reasons: 

1. I don't believe that infants and toddlers cry for no reason. It is scientifically supported that infants cannot manipulate because they don't really have an understanding of separation of themselves from their caregiver (called theory of mind). So, if they are crying, they need something - a hug, food, a diaper change or they are sick. Some kids are incredibly needy at nighttime (I had one of these - he didn't sleep through the night until 1 year old and often got up 4 to 5 times every night - it sucked) leading us to think that something we are doing MUST be wrong. But some kids just suck at sleeping and need a huge amount of support. My second son already sleeps better than my oldest did at a year old. And I have done NOTHING differently.
2. Only a small portion of world cultures would even entertain the idea of CIO. Coming from a collectivist perspective, this idea of just letting your child cry to teach them something was literally foreign. You immediately respond to a baby's cries because something is wrong. CIO is pretty much an American (and some European countries) phenomenon. It speaks to the cultural ideal of independence which pervades these same countries - other countries are collectivist and interdependent. Coming from my perspective as a collectivist, I always thought it was incredibly weird that we expected babies (who were just inside of us) to be independent sleepers in a cold foreign environment without us almost immediately. Infants have a biological imperative to sleep next to mom for safety, security and attachment. It is reasonable to think that they need to time and support (which may take a year or more) to detach and sleep independently.
3. My Motto for parenting is "Everything I do teaches them something". It's an annoying reminder to myself that I can't just tell my child what is right; I have to look at what I am doing at all times and what message it sends. One of the largest lessons I want my children to learn from me is empathy - to be sensitive always to the needs of others, be kind and respectful. To me, ignoring cries, under any circumstances, doesn't teach this - it teaches that it is perfectly acceptable to ignore the pain of others in some situations. I personally can't imagine listening to a crying adult and saying, "I think you can handle this independently; I'm going to leave the room now so you can self-soothe..." Since empathy is my number one goal for my children, this is something I never want them to hear from my behavior. I sincerely believe the world would be a much better place if everyone had empathy for each other.

That's my biased personal philosophy. Now here's my professional opinion as a developmental psychologist.

1. It is highly doubtful that you can harm your child with a few days of cry it out given that they are over 6 months of age (some research suggest a year), have an easy temperament AND that this method does not pervade into the daytime. Children are incredibly resilient and outside of biological conditions, only sustained trauma can typically cause developmental harm and delays. Please note that I said easy temperament - you can absolutely harm children with slow to warm or difficult temperaments by not being responsive. Children who are slow to warm need an increased level of support due to an increased inborn anxiety. Ignoring them will INCREASE that anxiety that could reach threshold for a mental health disorder. When a child develops a mental health disorder like anxiety, it is more likely that they will have that disorder their entire life, will have a more severe form of the condition and will need more intensive treatment. A child with a difficult temperament has a decreased or completely lacking ability to self-regulate; this means that they CANNOT self-soothe. Ignoring them will only lead to them becoming more angry and potentially aggressive. Wilson unfortunately fell into that category, making the first 2 years of his life a freaking nightmare of sleep problems. There were some nights that I had to wake Mike up because I wanted to throw him down the stairs. Not kidding. Between the sleep deprivation, stress and difficulty trying to help a child with no self-soothing and sleep issues, I simply couldn't take it sometimes. But that is why it is so important to get support. When I got to that place, I would set him back down, run and get Mike and say, "Tag, you're it. Peace. I'm out."
2. I don't think that CIO is the best option for baby, but sometimes parents need a relief from the strictures of modern parenting without a community of support. Without the help of family, friends or a co-parent, you may have limited options. If your choice is no sleep and potentially becoming depressed because you have no support, I would say that CIO is a viable option. Because as a depressed caregiver, you are going to do more harm to attachment than CIO could (with an easy tempered baby). As a developmental psychologist, I would suggest safe co-sleeping first, however; since this usually helps mom sleep better, keeps the responsiveness there and is also used successfully in the vast number of cultures around the world.
3. It is important that parents understand this is NOT teaching "self-soothing". This is extinguishing a behavior, pure and simple. They learn that crying does not work to bring aid during the night. It does not teach what to do instead, so you could end up with a variety of outcomes - including increased anxiety, behavioral problems, insomnia and other sleep issues OR self-soothing. Easy children typically can self-soothe to begin with, so they just use that as their replacement behavior. So in other words again, temperament matters.

I think that this is such a controversial issue because in one extreme perspective, it causes harm and is neglectful. In another, it is the responsible way to make your child independent. Personally and professionally, I do not want any parent to feel judged for making a responsible decision about their child - and unfortunately these conversations usually go in that direction. When it comes to the utility of CIO, I would say, as any good psychologist would, that IT DEPENDS. It depends on temperament, your situation and your parenting philosophy. It also sucks to think that we could be doing something that has harmed our child, as the culture is constantly blaming caregivers - particularly mothers - for everything and expecting them to be perfect, leading to increase depression and anxiety among mothers. Honestly, these conversations make me long for the days where there was more daytime and nighttime community and family support for mothers. Which is why, at the end of the day, I always say, I trust that responsible parents make the right decisions for their own children - just follow your instincts!!

Calm Down Time

Since I spoke about our calm down box in my latest post, I figured I would write a quick post on our calm down box which has been very successful with Wilson thus far. I keep all his special activities in plastic shoe boxes. These used to hold my epic collection of hot shoes. Now, they hold toddler activities. Oh, how life has changed...

We bought a cheap bean bag for him to relax in if he likes during calm down time. It's comfy and meets some of his tactile and auditory sensory needs.

This book, part of a Toddler Tools series, is amazing. It is rhythmic, fun for kids to look at, describes emotions and cool-down techniques. It is developmentally appropriate and gives parent tips at the end as well. Wilson's favorite part is "One...Two...Three... I'm taking care of me!" I sit with Wilson during calm down time and offer support if he wants it. Usually, he likes me to read this book to him a few times. But sometimes, he looks through it himself and does his breathing on his own.

These puffer balls are great! You can squeeze them, feel them, touch them to your skin. Wilson likes to hold them to his neck and push them together. Also another sensory-based toy that helps refocus.

This is something even I love to play with - it's called a Tangle Jr. You can pull it, twist it and make different shapes and tangles. This one is a fuzzy one, which adds to the sensory experience.

I also have a stress ball in the kit to help alleviate frustration and get rid of angry energy. I taught him to "sqqquuuueeeeeeezzzzzze" it emphatically, using his whole body. He loves this, says 'squeeze it' very dramatically and giggles.

A calm down bottle made with sparklies and glitter glue (I bought mine because I'm not crafty!!) is a nice addition. It provides visual stimulation that visualize calming down. Wilson likes to shake it up, then watch it quietly as the glitter moves slowly.

I included a few "pop toobs". These are just plastic toys that you can pull apart and push together and they make noise. Gives some attention to the auditory senses and allows their hands to be busy with something. Pushing it together and then pulling it out again seems to be very satisfying for Wilson!

I put a few pinwheels in this kit. I have him take a deep breath in, then blow on the front of the pinwheel to make it twirl. He loves watching it and is taking important deep breaths meanwhile, which help him calm.

Some colorful feathers allow him some sensory tactile input, but also can be blown on to practice breathing as well!

I put some lavender oil on these silk flowers and taught him how to smell the flowers deeply through his nose, then let out a deep sigh. The lavender oil helps relaxation and he is doing deep cleansing breaths without knowing it!




My pinterest board on my Calm Down Corner has links on where I bought everything (very cheaply I might add!). After he is feeling better, we will pick up all the toys and put them back in the box. I keep it out of his reach, but he can ask for it anytime and I always offer it to him when he starts to get upset. It's amazing to watch him start to struggle with his emotions, then quickly run over to calm down time to reset and get control of his emotions: A bonding experience that is empowering for both of us with no power struggles.

 Follow Misty's board Calm Down Corner on Pinterest.

Mommyfessions

So, it's time I made some mommy confessions. Some of you know that I've been going through a tough time with Wilson. If you read my blog, you know that I talk about Wilson's "difficult" temperament (sometimes endlessly, I know). We knew from birth that Wilson was a bit different and had higher needs, to say the least. This is him at 4 months old.

Yes, that is him yelling at a toy. At 4 months old, he was MAD at a toy because it did not conform to his ways. He did not smile a lot during this time; never heard a giggle from him until he was a toddler. He's always had trouble regulating everything: eating, sleeping, his emotions, particularly his anger. It was cute when he was little; not so cute as a toddler.

Mommyfession #1: I did not enjoy spending time with my son.

In response to his high needs and difficult temperament, we've been patient, responsive and took a positive, parenting approach. Reinforcement and natural consequences. We swooned every time he did something great; if he was misusing something, he lost it if he didn't correct his behavior. If he did something wrong, we used correction, making him do it over again the right way. It's not that our positive parenting thing was perfect; believe me, we've yelled. We've said "NO!!" and "STOP" more times than we can count...in a day. But overall, we try using the positive way; instead of saying, "Don't put your hands there," we would say, "Keep your hands to yourself, please!" But our positive parenting became more "work" than our jobs. I would be exhausted by the end of the day because we were always "on". We were trying to phrase commands correctly and keep up with his boundless energy and limitless talent for pushing every boundary and finding trouble wherever he could. We were constantly chasing him. We lived in a fully gated prison-like environment because he had outsmarted all of our locks and gates. Mike had to take the handles off of the drawers in the kitchen because he would use them to climb up to get on the counter. He frantically pushed buttons, stole phones and keys, threw things, grabbed plugs, broke things. It never ended. Now, I want to be clear: we NEVER let him get away with anything. We were always right there, stopping him, making him do things over, correcting him, setting boundaries, taking things away. And our frustration of his desires was evident: he had over 20 full-blown tantrums a day. He kicked, he hit. He collapsed on the ground and threw his head onto the floor. He would even punch himself in the head because he got so angry and frustrated. The only way to avoid the misery was to keep him active and moving from activity to activity in a new place.

When I was pregnant in my third trimester, I just couldn't do this and thus suffered every day with Wilson and his endless emotional deregulation. After the baby, the only way Mike survived was to take him out pretty much all the time. His entire summer was spent running around to parks, the mall, grocery shopping and doing various errands to keep him occupied. But neither of us could watch both kids together for very long. Wilson would not cooperate in the slightest and it was too frustrating. Our days, from start to finish, were exhausting misery. We would split up our time with Wilson, tagging in the other parent when one parent frankly wanted to strangle him or have a dissociative fugue and abandon the whole family.

Don't get me wrong. There were moments of pure joy. Wilson has a great sense of humor, is creative, smart and LOVES electronics, music and water with such pure abandon. We loved him intensely, but over the summer, neither Mike nor I were eager to spend time with Wilson, which of course wracked us with guilt. We did not realize how difficult he actually was until we had Waylon. Way was calm, flexible and social. He slept well, was smiley and giggly. He was affectionate, sweet and loving. Waylon was like a self-cleaning oven that just liked to be held a lot. Wilson was like a oven that caught fire every time you looked at it. We found ourselves loving time with Waylon, less so with Wilson. More guilt.

When fall started to approach, we enlisted help to remain sane. We knew we needed a village to raise this kid, so we have a babysitter who takes him out for a few hours every morning and then comes back so that I give him his lunch and then put him down for a nap. Then we spent the nights together once Mike got home so we did not have to juggle Wilson and our newborn. But after 10 minutes at home in the afternoon, I would be looking at the clock to see when nap time was. More guilt.

Mommyfession #2: I had nothing left in my toolbelt.

I used all of my considerable toolbelt to help him learn to regulate his emotions and behavior. I have worked with children with special needs (autism, emotional disturbance, intellectual disability), massive behavioral disorders and mental health issues. I have an amazing toolbelt. I consult with parents on all sorts of problems for all different types of children at various ages. Successfully. But improvement with Wilson was slow and incremental. One step forward, then two steps back. Something would start to work, then stop. We did see progress though: his temper tantrums moved from being 30 minutes long to less than a minute. He stopped hitting, biting, pinching - all lovely things to go through as a parent. But in the end, he still had over 20 tantrums a day - over-reacting or breaking down at the slightest frustration.

I don't use corporal punishment, nor do I philosophically agree with punishment, based on years of research and what matched my own personality and style. Even so, we were so desperate we did dabble in time-out. Not only did it not work for him, he escalated. It amounted to 45 minutes of me holding him while he was screaming, crying hysterically and sweating profusely. There is some good research on why this does not work for some kids; apparently mine was one.

I have always believed in a scaffolding approach, which helped resolve his eating and sleeping issues. Basically, we looked at what he was able to do at that  moment. For example, he could not for the life of him, put himself to sleep. So I would rock him until he was asleep, which usually took 30 minutes. Then the next night, 28 minutes, then 26 minutes and so on. We finally got down to 2 minutes and he began liking to lay down by himself. Then I cut out the rocking and laid down by him for 10 minutes. Then 8 minutes, etc. Until he didn't need us anymore. So scaffolding believes in your child's needs (that they are real and sincere), meets them where they are at, and slowly detracts support as they become more independent. It is INCREDIBLY hard work, but it is a real investment. When it pays off, it is huge. Wilson now goes to bed happily at 7:30 p.m. after a book and being tucked in and gets up at 7 a.m. He often wakes up once - hungry or thirsty - in the middle of the night so we bring him up a bottle and hand it to him. He takes it and goes right back down in his bed. He typically takes 3 hour naps and goes down the same way. He rivals any other 2-year-old for how cooperative he is at bedtime and how much of a good sleeper he is now.

But, I had no idea how to do this approach with teaching him to self-regulate his emotions. I tried taking breaths, taking space, massage, support, etc. He still got frustrated and angry at the drop of a hat. He could not calm down when angry; and he lost all of his ability to speak and use his words. It was never that he was trying to be manipulative or trying to be a pain. I could see the pain in his eyes as he lost his words when he wanted something. How his "tantrums" were hurting him too. He was in so much pain and would hurt himself rather than us. I was sad for him. And felt horrible that I, as a Yale-trained developmental psychologist was out of ideas.

 Mommyfession #3: I needed help.

Since I'm in the field and was at a loss myself, it was time to get help. Connecticut is a great state for this - they have the child development 211 system and birth to three. I called and made an appointment for an assessment as he turned 2 years old. I think it is always hard for parents to realize that they need help or their child is not "normal"; but honestly, the earlier you can do the intervention, the better. And you are not alone. Every child needs something - whether it's something normative like being shy or having lower self-esteem; or something like a learning disability, a mental health issue, Autism or speech issues. These things are not a reflection on you as a parent; I watched my baby have these issues within months of his birth. Temperament is stronger than you can imagine.

So, birth to three came out for a FREE (!) assessment. Wilson was assessed on several areas of development. His physical abilities were on par for his age; his verbal abilities were significantly higher. He did not have any Autistic symptoms. He was above 85% of his peers in expressive language and almost 99% of his peers in receptive language (really need to watch what I say around him now...). But his self-regulation, particularly his emotional regulation, was 3 Standard Deviations BELOW the mean for kids his age. Even if you don't know exactly what that means, it sounds bad and it is bad. I'm not sure he could get any lower. As hard as that was to hear, it was a relief. It was NOT just us - there was a problem. When they selected a therapist for Wilson, I was relieved that they picked an Occupational Therapist, not a Behaviorist. Because if someone gave me a behavior plan, I might smack them myself.

But happily, they gave us Miss Elaine. She came once a week for one hour. She watched Wilson and then brought multiple ideas on how to get his language moving when he is frustrated. She described it as his brain was short-circuiting (emotion part of the brain blocking his cognitive and language centers) when he was frustrated. She pointed out how he lost his language and would shut down. I had seen it before, but was unsure of what was happening. She helped us focus on sensory activities that could keep him engaged and focused, particularly when we needed some time or space to get things done. She also revealed a scaffolding approach that I had not thought of: we introduce low levels of frustration and help him keep his words and extend his patience. So we began playing "your turn, my turn" where to take his turn with something he had to either say it or sign it. We also play with some toys (like puzzles, etc.) with him and keep all the parts. We give him two choices on what he wants and then wait for him to use his words to get the piece. We began to see some immediate improvement, but still saw that quick frustration.

So after one visit, I bought the very cheap sensory toys from amazon that she had tried out with him and worked well. We have a sensory box (rice with ocean animals in it) that we put over a sheet and he can play and feel the rice and use cups to scoop it. We have a calm down box that has several sensory toys in it, along with a calm down book. I bought Mr. and Mrs. Potato head since he loved those. I also bought some art supplies (jumbo coloring book and a writing pad). And we have several learning games on our iPad. On my own I did some research and I bought props that help us teach him deep breathing: a feather, a pinwheel and a silk flower which has lavender oil on it.

One morning shortly after starting to see Elaine I noticed that Wilson did not have a tantrum. He was helpful, easy to engage. He helped me cook breakfast and happily ate it. That night, I revealed the new toys to him and we separated them out into boxes. He loved his calm down book - made me read it three times and repeated the great saying "1..2..3.. I'm taking care of me.." and then took a deep breath. He tested out everything and helped clean up things easily. Then he did something that changed everything for me. He took three of the sensory balls that I had gotten him and squooshed them into his neck and said, "Mommy...happy! Happy, happy!" Mike and I have often talked about the lack of happiness in Wilson; it's not that he can't be funny - he is. He can laugh and does. But he is so serious and frustrated most of the time, that happiness isn't something he really does. But he was right, for the first time he was able to use his words to communicate his emotions and he was - happy.

The help we got for Wilson is working. He's have almost no tantrums every day, using his calm down corner, learning how to use his words or communicate when he is frustrated, listening and behaving well. He communicates displeasure with a "ohhhh nooooo" now and moves on. He is happy and we can easily manage both kids now when one parent is on their own. He uses his sensory toys often and can sit and focus on the ricebox, play-doh, putty or art for long periods of time. He will ask for his calm down box and take deep breaths as he looks through the contents. 

But it changed more than Wilson. I began feeling like an effective parent again. I enjoyed spending time with him. He was flourishing and so were we. I loved our play times, practicing breathing and yoga. I loved seeing how he grows. His language improved. He is showing more empathy every day. With just a little outside, non-biased help, we were able to see that he had some sensory needs that we weren't meeting - that we didn't know how. 

We've still got a long way to go, but I know we'll make it. I know lots of parents end up getting help for their kids and feel embarrassed about it. But in the end, early intervention helps and avoids later problems. So rather than pretend our children and parenting are perfect, I think we should all 'fess up and support each other. And most importantly, we must learn how to meet the needs of our children in a way that helps build their self esteem; we must learn to accept and enjoy the unique individuals that they are.

Breastfeeding is Natural and Beautiful... Or Not.

So it's been over 3 months postpartum from Waylon and I'm almost resolved with my initial breastfeeding troubles. So, how, you ask, could this experience be worse than with Wilson, who never latched, looked at my boob like a monster that wanted to eat him, where I had undersupply, had to pump every 2 hours to get my supply up to 20/25 ounces a day and had a case of mastitis along with a blood blister on the nipple (something which should not be possible, I think)? Even given that, I exclusively pumped for a year, until I got pregnant with Waylon. How could it be worse? Well buckle up; I'm about to take you on my natural and beautiful breastfeeding journey with Waylon.

During pregnancy, I felt hopeful! Instead of a size L bra (I kid you not) like last time, I was a double J. Almost immediately after having Waylon, he latched beautifully. We spent 3 days in breastfeeding bliss, he latched, I was producing colustrum and transitional milk well and I finally got to feel the oxytocin and feeling of utter (ha!) love burst from breastfeeding my baby (rather than the mechanical pump, which does not feel as good). It was beautiful... those 3 days. The following are a timeline of events following these three days of bliss. 

• Waylon kept latching...every hour. My nipples were so sore that I had a dream that I sprouted a third nipple...and I was happy. Seriously. I woke up sad that it wasn't true.
• On Night 4, Waylon started crying at the breast. I gave him expressed milk in a dropper and he still acted upset. I finally broke down and gave him the milk in a bottle and he gobbled it up. At 2 a.m. I woke up Mike to get some back-up formula because he was acting super hungry. Mike was thrilled at the early-hour request, but ran to the 24-hour CVS and brought back some formula. 
• My milk came in. A lot of milk. Like 60 ounces a day, cow-on-the-dairy-farm amount. I begrudgingly got out my trusty old breast pump since Waylon was not latching. We also had to buy a stand alone freezer just to house the inordinate amounts of milk I was making. Last time, I had too little milk. This time too much. I was the Goldi-tits of breastfeeding.
• Went to the renown Breastfeeding Resources (Dr. Smillie's office), they said Waylon's latch was great, but my one nipple was too big for him and he had bruised it. In case you were wondering, yes a bruise on the nipple hurts. And although he was an average weight, he was acting like he was underweight, which they expected to stop in a few weeks.
• On Doctor's instructions, I took mint and sage teas to lower my production. Didn't even make a dent. It continued to increase. I had to take Sudafed for several days to get my production down to 50 ounces a day.
• I pumped 5 times a day and having grabbed my pump bag from a year before, I did not think about the flange size (the part that connects to your nipple). The year before I had switched to a smaller size after my milk supply and subsequent bra size had gone down significantly. I forgot that I originally needed a larger size and began using a size which was inappropriate for me. Apparently, this matters.
• On one side, I had a bruised nipple. On the other side, from the too-small flange, I had what began to look like a zombie nipple. the skin was coming off, but had not fully detached. So every time I breastfed or pumped, it detached a little, then began healing during the down time. Each time was excruciatingly painful, so I showed it to Mike to get his input. He made an incredible horrified face and said, "I'm pretty sure you should talk to someone about that." Oh, the romance after having a baby.
• So, I consulted my trusty friends in my Yoga Mommies Facebook Group and began to employ everything that was suggested. I used cabbage, lanolin, coconut oil, saltwater rinses, air drying with breastmilk. Out of pure pity, my BFF bought me soothie pads that are put in the refrigerator. Finally, the skin fell off. To reveal pure zombie nipple. It looked like I had taken a cheese grater to it. Not kidding. Oh, the beauty of breastfeeding.
• The next night I started getting a fever and chills - along with a painful feeling in my right breast. I knew what it was immediately. Mas-freaking-titis. Mastitis is a bacterial infection that can occur when milk stays in the breast too long OR if it has access to the inner breast - say like through a zombie nipple.
• So, back to Breastfeeding Resources I went. It's always good when the doctor slightly shrieks upon seeing a body part of yours and says, "Oh my god. That hurts me to look at!" I immediately started antibiotics and went home with instructions to NOT breastfeed as it would be too painful, but I should keep pumping as much as I could AND got the correct flange as the doctor had figured it out.
• My fever and chills went away and I was finally feeling better. Then on Day 5 of antibiotics, I decided to go with Mike and Wilson to the children's museum. I was so happy to be out - I wore a spiffy new bra (that was a little tight) and babywore Waylon the whole time. At one point, he slipped from the middle and had his head on my left breast. Not a big deal. But when I took him off, I could feel a hardness in my breast and my fever was starting to come back. Seriously, universe???
• I called Breastfeeding Resources and they changed my prescription to a new antibiotic and I struggled with full-blown mastitis again, but this time in the left breast. I had plugged ducts that would not open. It was like having a large rock in my chest, accompanied with the feeling of having a plugged sink with the water on full speed as well. HORRIBLE. Apparently, too tight of a bra or the baby's head on my chest for that long could have done it. Awesome Sauce.
• Every pump was a manic attempt to get those plugs to break. I would apply hot compresses to get the milk flowing, then a cold one to lower inflammation. I was bent over a pump, massaging madly, squeezing, whimpering in pain...You know... experiencing the beauty of breastfeeding.
• Fever finally broke, plugs finally resolved and I began feeling better...for a few days. Then all of a sudden my right breast began getting hard. I wanted to punch something. How could this happen???? My doctor put me on a second antibiotic and assessed me to make sure I didn't need to be hospitalized. I also had the bacteria in my milk cultured - we later discovered it was an antibiotic-resistant strain that was incredibly rare. As if you don't have enough TMI on me, apparently the infection was so bad that all that came out was a small amount of thick yellow milk. Needless to say, after having it cultured, I dumped the rest. And Retched. BEAUTIFUL BREASTFEEDING.
• I continued to try every remedy under the sun, including chiropractic care - I have an awesome chiropractor who came in on his day off to give me an adjustment to help. I went in for an ultrasound to make sure I didn't have an abscess (which I didn't) and then went home to rinse and repeat the pills, pumping and assorted cures.
• The plugs in my right breast would not budge... for five days. Please picture that awful pumping experience four times a day for five days. I finally went back to Breastfeeding Resources (who knew me so well that they texted me, called in to check and had a file the size of Mt. Everest on me) and they tried to get the plugs out themselves. Now, having another women "milk" you is embarrassing enough, but honestly if it worked, I wouldn't care. It didn't. She told me that the plugged ducts would resolve on their own and probably close, lowering my supply in that side. I was down to 35 ounces a day, which was more than enough to feed Waylon, so I didn't worry too much.
• She also asked if she could take a picture of my nipple for publication purposes. Yay! My necrotic nipple will be famous. Awesome. So pretty. She told me to buy a hibiclens soap and wash it twice a day.
• The hibiclens stuff is amazing - cleared up and healed my nipple very quickly. I did get some more ducts expressing and my supply was going up again. Everything seemed to be better as my supply came back to about 50 ounces a day and I was starting to breastfeed Waylon again.
• Waylon has a unique (ahem) way of eating. On the breast or on the bottle. He latches. Looks at you. Unlatches. Looks at you. Latches. (repeat that 10 times). Then waits five minutes. Then drinks two ounces. Seriously. At the breast, that is seriously annoying and seriously painful. I began to consider exclusive pumping again. I loved when he latched, but the weird latching was hurting my nipple. I still wasn't feeding on the left side because it was STILL bruised (and I was postpartum 2 months at this point). 
• Got two blood blisters from pumping. Both healed quickly. So fun!
• I noticed on my left nipple that it was turning white. Oh, good! More beauty! Breastfeeding Resources diagnosed a yeast infection and prescribed an ointment. Luckily, Waylon did not have it or we would have passed it back and forth. Back to no breastfeeding.
• I continued to pump, but after the yeast infection resolved, I felt more pain. Nipples turned a bright shade of pink, pumped out some blood (soooo natural), found more white on my nipples and it kept getting worse. It was so painful that nothing could touch me - even through my shirt without making me want to punch something. I had to bite my hand every time I started pumping. I went BACK!! to Breastfeeding Resources and they diagnosed that both of my nipples had eczema. Oh Universe, you little joker! Thanks so much. Now I put steroid cream on both of my nipples at every pump and FINALLY they began to improve. 

Which brings us to today. I am still on the steroid cream, having little pain. I joked with Mike that a story like this belongs to the superhero comic mythology. You go through such tragedy and pain to develop a superhuman ability. My superhero name will undoubtedly be Iron Nipples, the woman whose nipples can cut through steel and deflect weapons! Oh, and feed her babies.

So why keep breastfeeding/pumping you ask? You aren't alone - my husband, my mother, my friends - everyone questioned my sanity with continuing to breastfeed and pump through this. But the bottom line was I was not going to let ANYTHING stop me from experiencing breastfeeding and providing breastmilk for my baby. I saw with Wilson how healthy it was and that it has protected him from having to take any medications (breastmilk and garlic drops for beginning ear infections; breastmilk and coconut oil for eczema was all he has needed). I have heard that each drop of breastmilk contains millions of white blood cells in it. I see how whenever one of the kids or I has a scratch, I can put it on it and it is gone the next day or two. The healing ability is amazing. Oh, and I am losing weight like gangbusters. Can't hate that.

Let me be clear: I totally respect anyone's decision to do whatever feeding they want for their baby, including not breastfeeding for whatever reason. For me, I just wanted to provide breastmilk for as long as I could. There are a few things in life that I set my mind to - surviving graduate school, writing my dissertation, becoming a psychologist and counselor, escaping poverty, becoming a professor, writing several research reports, getting through a 50 hour labor... These things weren't to try to one up on someone else or compete or to show my skills. This was about wanting something for myself or my family and doing everything I could to achieve it.

And so far, I have. Waylon is 100% breastfed. I decided to use the extra milk I was making (since I have over 1200 ounces stocked in a FULL freezer) to feed my toddler when he wanted his bottle before bed. They are both super happy and thriving; I am producing lots - all things for which I feel very lucky and blessed.

I don't mean to scare anyone with this story either. Just to tell you that you need lots of support when you breastfeed - emotional, physical, psychological. Making the decision to breastfeed is a sacrifice that many of us gladly make for our little ones (and it does help to prevent breast cancer for us, so there's that).

But, is it natural for women? Is it beautiful for everyone? I call bullshit on that...and I have the iron nipples to prove it.