Siblings: Love and Hate

I've been woefully behind on my blogs, but a question on how to deal with sibling fighting came up today in one of my FB groups, so I thought I would address it from a personal and developmental research level. 

When you have two children, this is how you imagine they will be there for each other: best friends. They'll love each other, protect each other and be BFFs. Beautiful, wonderful love.

But, just like everything else that has to do with children, it's mostly a myth. Or at least only captures PART of the siblings' complex relationship. It usually looks more like this:

 So, let's start with Awareness of Sibling Issues. Imagine your spouse/partner comes home one day and says, "I've got a big surprise for you! Now, you know I love spending time with you and you've been great. But I think our life will be more full with another wife. It will be great! We can spend time together and you can share all your belongings, and even your room! Won't that be fun?" Now, as tempting as having another full time parent in the house sounds, of course, we would strangle our spouse. But, this is the experience of a child who gets a sibling. They were the center of your world and now...poof. They are not. If you have twins or the siblings were really close in age, they still have to contend with another being around them CONSTANTLY who may be very different in temperament. Think about how many times you get angry at your spouse (probably a lot more after kids...). Think about all the things they do that annoy you. Now imagine you have NO ability to suppress your anger, communicate your anger or even understand those feelings. A child alone willstruggle to communicate, learn social skills, learn to regulate their emotions, and bounce back from negative feelings. Now imagine that times two, with more chances during the day to lose it because you have a built-in annoying sibling who follows you everywhere.

Onto knowledge: Children during the toddler years and preschool are learning some hugely important physical, cognitive and social-emotional things. In terms of social and emotional skills, children can't really understand the whole sharing thing until about 3 years old. Even then, it's tough. It is NORMAL for children aged 1 to 4 to fight, throw tantrums and generally, just piss each other off. That doesn't mean you let it happen, you should always intervene. Every time you intervene, you have a "teachable moment" - a moment where you are moving them in the direction of being better friends and learning social and emotional skills.

Finally, the Skills! Here are a few things that can help!

1. Never, ever, ever, play the "You better or your sibling will..." You better eat that or I'm going to give that to your sister. If you don't put that away, I'm going to give it to your brother. Although this is super effective in getting your child to comply to something, this increases sibling rivalry. It makes their sibling a competitor, not an ally.
2. Do play the "My turn, your turn" game. Play something together and take turns. Instead of grabbing, when they want the object, you say "My turn!" Reinforce and praise when they do this well.
3. Help develop language (if a child has a speech delay, get help right away - this can cause a lot of frustration on their part) and emotion vocabulary. Comment on feelings all the time - how you feel, how characters in books and videos feel - ask questions about feelings. Label the feeling the child has throughout the day. Watch the movie Inside Out. Understanding the emotion is key to regulating emotions. I use a set of dog-themed emotion cards that I made and laminated with Wilson to talk and act out feelings as well.
4. When my son wanted to take something from his brother, I also taught him the replacement game. I would tell him to go get another toy for his brother to see if he wanted something else. If he dropped the original toy, then Wilson could have it. He got incredibly skilled at sibling toy distraction.
5. If Wilson refused to share something, the necessary consequences were that the toy was removed. I would give one warning, "We need to share that or the toy goes bye-bye!" 
6. If one of the sibling hits the other, the best strategy that I have found is to separate them immediately and say a single message, "We do not hit." or "Hands to your own body." Then I would attend to the victim of said hitting - hug them and make sure they were ok. Then I would turn to the child who hit, which was usually a sobbing mess because they know they did wrong and believe you are mad at them. I would then hug that child to help them calm down. And then talk to them. Label the emotion - I know you are angry, but we never hit. Sometimes a calm down kit can be incredibly helpful as well. 
7. Spend time with each child alone. Make sure each child gets plenty of attention - not just the squeaky wheel (the child good at getting attention). Also make sure they get time with other significant others (the other parent, grandparents) alone too. 
8. Rinse and repeat, be consistent, and let time pass.

When Waylon was first born, Wilson was AWFUL. He was a struggle alone, but we worried a lot for Waylon because he got beat up a lot. Wilson struggled a lot with his emotional regulation. We did all of the above steps and did a lot of "divide and conquer" - we each would take one child - Waylon was content playing at home, which fit me. Wilson liked to run errands and get out of the house, which fit Mike. At 3 years for Wilson and 19 months for Waylon, they are now really good with each other. In fact, tonight, Wilson moved Waylon's high chair close to him and said, "He's my best friend, mama!" There's no hitting and pushing anymore, although they do still struggle with sharing. But it never incites aggression at all anymore. So, there is hope - it's just responsiveness, consistency and time!

There are some good books on the topic too:

Siblings Without Rivalry

Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings

Brothers & Finally Friends (A Different Kind of BFF)
Picture Taken By Laura Elyse Photography

Changing Our Narrative: From Difficult to Sensitive

As Wilson has gotten older and we have added one easy-tempered infant to the mix, the impact of Wilson's difficult temperament on all of us have become more and more apparent. We have found a good way of reacting, but it requires endless patience and ultimate consistency and persistence (something so readily available when you get no sleep and have 2 children under 3). Although it would be very easy just to let him run amok, I know that it will invite future behavioral and emotional problems. So, we cannot be permissive. I also do not choose to be punitive or to use corporal punishment; although there have been times despite my Buddha-esque nature, I have just wanted to shake the crap out of him (Is it wrong to say that shaking him sounds like it would feel so good sometimes???). I know given the research, the brief stint of time-out that we did with him and how things have affected Mike (who has the twin temperament - p.s. there really should have been a disclaimer on our marriage license) that punishment only serves to increase his anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed, teaches him that violence is a resolution, reinforces a mistrust of us as parents and increases his inner emotionality. So, we have chosen to be responsive. We continually correct, ask him to perform a behavior in the right way, reinforce, discuss, explain, distract, prevent and respond. It's sort of exhausting; I want a drink just thinking about it.

I have been struggling with not only how to best handle his temperament, but also how to describe it. I have toyed with hot mess, emo, crazytown, shoot me and Oh God, why? But, being a psychologist, I know the power of words. By using the term difficult temperament repeatedly (which I have), I know I am making an impression on myself and Wilson. I feel more and more drained when just thinking about what I have to do when he is "difficult". He is hearing that he is hard to deal with, and while true, he may internalize those messages negatively and lower his self-worth and self-esteem. What I have been struggling with is how to help him on one hand understand that his high needs do not make him a bad person, but on the other realize that he has to be careful with how he impacts himself and others.

Fifteen to twenty percent of all children fall somewhere on the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) continuum. Although many of these individuals are introverts (or slow to warm temperament), a substantial amount are from the high needs/ difficult temperament. These children are capable of taking in more information and processing a substantial amount more than others; they notice more on their environment and reflect more on what they see or feel. As a result, they tend to be very intelligent, empathic, conscientious, creative and careful. They are the advisers, strategists and planners. They keep others safe and healthy. In evolutionary terms, we cannot survive without them. If everyone was easy-going, we would all die out as a species. "Oh, hey! Look at that bear! I think I'll go say hello!" You need those individuals who are anxious, pay attention for danger and can see things clearly to survive. Waylon and I, although intelligent and thoughtful, are not the pause to check kind of people. We are about living life in a nonchalant, sometimes messy, manner. We could not survive without Wilson and Mike. But the reverse is also true; HSPs and Non-HSPs need each other to survive and thrive.

So what is the dark side of being an HSP? Well, it is incredibly easy to get overwhelmed. Because they take in so much through their senses, they cannot multi-task very well, nor can they handle over-stimulation. I remember when Mike and I first lived together and I would greet him at the door to hug him and say hello (honeymoonish behavior - I now grunt at him when he gets home). After a few days, he looked at me and said, "I need a moment! Just give me some space - like 5 minutes when I get home so that I can decompress!! PLEASE!!" "Ok cranky pants - Mums the word!" I said laughing.

It was my first insight into the fact that Mike experienced his world very differently than I did. Physical and social contact calm me, but I don't notice everything that happens. In fact, I am quite skilled at cutting things out of my periphery (like dishes, laundry and anything else that needs to be done). But for my HSP boys,  too much stimulation can lead them to shut down, in which case, you readily see their dark side. They are suddenly stoutly un-empathic, lashing out, angry, irritable, withdrawing and emotional. Not all HSPs are alike; some personalities are more difficult than others. There are multiple types of HSPs and profiles, but let me walk you through Wilson's specific sensitivity profile.

Let me paint the picture of what sensitivity really means for him. Wilson has what is known as physical intensity. He feels more pain than most children and has incredibly sensitive hearing. When Wilson has a diaper rash, his responses are incredibly heightened. He screams and refuses to walk. He cries so loudly that you think that his leg bones seriously must be shattered. Not kidding. It takes about 30 minutes to change his diaper, slowly cleaning, blowing on the area, reassuring him, hugging him, putting on diaper cream (just as slowly) and arranging the diaper so that it does not rub up against the affected area. Conversely, my easy tempered infant who has my temperament and pain threshold, does not even flinch when he has had a rash. Once he had a bleeding rash and he giggled when I cleaned it. Giggled. Wilson's shirt tag once brushed up against his neck the wrong way. We spent the next 40 minutes, off and on, blowing on his neck, rubbing it, scratching it and checking it, AFTER I had removed the tag. This is not an unusual occurrence. He needs this level of help with many things...on a daily basis.

He also experiences emotional intensity. This means that he feels all emotions strongly. He is also very affected by others' moods and feelings. When he is happy, his smile can make you feel pure unfiltered joy. When he feels frustrated, his anger is palpable. He is hostile and it bursts out of him like rays of hate-shine. These are not little tantrums; they are complete breakdowns. You can feel his desperation and sense of being overwhelmed; he is not being manipulative. He is desperate and in despair. You can see that even happiness can be over-stimulating at a point and he can breakdown in the same way.

Wilson also has a somewhat complex presentation in that he has novelty low threshold and novelty seeking. This means that rather than be overwhelmed and shy away from the environment which can challenge his highly sensitive physical and emotional system, he seeks out novelty. He enjoys new things, learning and engaging with others. His is arguably the most difficult presentation. These types are easily bored and yet easily overwhelmed. They have a narrow window of optimal arousal. They can sometimes be seen as quite self-destructive because they desire to do an incredible amount of activity and yet will become overwhelmed by what you wanted to do and shut down. Awesome sauce!

Wilson has a high activity level. He needs constant stimulation and is running from morning until bedtime. He has a high intensity of emotional response. He is our true drama king. Whining, hysterical crying and hysterical laughter are commonplace. He has a medium level of rhythmicity. He thrives best on a schedule and is very predictable with things like when he needs sleep. Other times, though, like with his eating, he is incredibly unpredictable. One day, he will eat everything in the cupboard; the next, he seems to be surviving on milk and oxygen. Wilson also has a low level of adaptability. It is very difficult for him to transition, especially to something over which he feels he has no control. We have to give him 30 minute warnings to transitions, get him physically ready, explain it repeatedly, have him repeat us, offer something desired after the transition and MAYBE he will make the transition smoothly. He is also a social approacher, meaning that he seeks out others and novelty, showing little fear. He has a high level of persistence with low distractibility. Once on a task, he will finish it; likewise if he wants to do something, it is incredibly hard to deter him or distract him from it. He has figured out every kind of childproof  lock, knows how to open all of the gates, operate the telephone, the remotes and our iPhones...whether we were hoping for some of that or not.

So that is the problem profile of my little Wilson. A social, excitable almost-preschooler who seeks out exciting events only to be easily overwhelmed by them, both physically and emotionally. So, what are the remnants of being easily overwhelmed? He notices EVERYTHING. Scratches, tears, a new pimple (thanks for that one), subtle differences in others and in his environment. And if it is something that can't be fixed, it bothers him immensely. When he is overwhelmed, he can become anxious and frightened OR hostile and angry. Anxious means he cries that a leaf outside is a dreaded "fuzzy" or bug. He is scared that he may encounter a bug and might refuse to touch something outside. When he is hostile, he will cry, slap, throw himself with the intensity of a total meltdown. He is typically easily consoled (thank you Birth to Three), but he can get to the place of total meltdown quite quickly. He is particularly reactive to his brother who wants to play with his toys that he has neatly lined up. He struggles with sharing his favorite toys (not uncommon for a preschooler, much less a 2-year-old), but his intense reactivity to having a car taken out of the line he has created is always reminiscent of a hysterical crazed lunatic. 

All of this is why the narrative of his difficult temperament has really resonated for me. As a parent, it means being hypervigilant and preventative. It means explaining everything. It means never sitting down. It means having to consider everything in every situation. It means never being able to relax or turn off. In a few words, it just plain sucks. That is true; and it has been my narrative up to this point. But this blog signifies my willingness to let it go. Because Wilson is many other things than just his sensitivity.



Wilson is creative; he loves to solve problems and puzzles. He loves mastering his environment or figuring things out - he is quite the scientist in many ways. He likes to color and to finger paint and to make things with play-doh or putty. He loves feeling different sensations in a focused way and sharing them with others.



He is intensely social; he wants to talk, to hug, to experience life with others. He loves his mama and daddy, Waylie, Abuela Susi, Abuela Dina, and his 2 Aunt Jess', his Uncle Joe and Aunt Gaby (who I am fairly sure he has a huge crush on). He loves his friend Taryn and his doggies.


He is quite compassionate and caring of his doggie sisters, being very gentle, feeding them and loving them any chance he gets. He loves dressing up, especially his hats and loves how everyone tells him that he is cute.


He loves mental games, like figuring out his letters and numbers, something he had done all on his own. He loves singing and dancing. He is incredibly skilled physically. He learns things, particularly physical things, quickly and with little illustration.


He has a great sense of humor and makes jokes very often (although at his age they are limited to farting, burping and falling - or wait, is that just a male thing?).



He is very interested in my spirituality, reminding me that Buddha tells us to take a breath, playing with my grounding rocks or lighting candles. He is friendly, sweet and enigmatic. His ability to take a photo is way more photogenic than the rest of our family. And he is full of love.

His hugs and kisses are very much the highlights of my days. And he is also sensitive. Sensitive to physical stimuli which is why he is probably so physically skilled.

He is emotionally sensitive, which is why he is so affectionate and caring of the dogs and why he loves our affection and hugs. He is active and intense, which will make him a great leader. Someone always willing to go the extra mile and figure out problems to better others. And despite how tired I get, I am proud to be his mama.

Mommyfessions Part II: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly and The Taboo

So, my mother and I were having a conversation the other day. She said to me, "Oh Good - you get to stay home today because of the snow cancellation! That's nice!" Feeling authentic, I said, "No it's not! It's not nice!!" After having the flu (103 fever for 2 days), sharing tasks with my very sick husband, taking care of a sick 2 year old and a sick 7 month old, all the while working and pumping through it, we got our childcare provider sick AND we were snowed in. I never wanted to go to work so badly in my life. It made me think about what mothers REALLY think and how they really feel. I'm about to keep it 100 here, so be forewarned. These are some of my most taboo mommyfessions.

I would rather sleep than anything else in this world. Seriously. Chocolate, sex, winning the lottery, getting an award. Meeting a hero. Nothing appeals me to but sleep. I made the awesome decision to get pregnant when Wilson had just turned a year old, so if you calculate the last few months of pregnancy with Wilson where I wasn't sleeping well, it's been about 2 years and 8 months since I had a good night's sleep. It's been over 8 months since I slept more than 4 hours of sleep at a time. I pay childcare providers so that I can sleep. On the VERY rare day that Waylon does sleep for more than 4 hours and even when I could get sleep, I either here phantom crying or my overproduction of breastmilk wakes me up so that I go pump.  Sometimes, I daydream about going to bed and just sleeping for a year. THAT is my dirtiest fantasy now: sleeping alone.

My favorite activity is going to a restaurant to work. By Myself. Over sabbatical, I started doing this and found that it was so amazing. In my twenties, I would have hated going out to eat by myself. Now, it's beautiful. Like an amazing overseas vacation. No one talks to me or asks me for anything. I get waited on. I can go to the bathroom whenever I would like. I can work or check my email without a child lunging for my computer and sending an email that says, "Hi! Just chekcingowhgoiawehgoaehroihrgnhorhgoeiahgoihx98f." It's happened. 

Pumping breastmilk has become my "me time". That's so sad, but true. I exclusively pump and provide milk for both my 2 year old and my 8 month old. It's free, super healthy and very luckily, plentiful. But it's work. So when I pump, I watch Netflix, check Facebook, try to half sleep, read, do something for myself while the little whirring motor rhythmically sucks out my energy. I feel that's fair. If the kids are with me while I pump, they can quietly sit by me, but the minute they start crawling on me or pulling at the tubes (a favorite of Waylon's), I'm screaming for Mike to come get them. Because if I'm going to feed the family, I should get 20 minutes to sort of relax. I pump so much that since Waylon has been born, I have watched all of the seasons of Sons of Anarchy, Medium, Roswell, Crossing Jordan, Law & Order SVU, The Glades, The United States of Tara, Orange is the New Black, Girls, Fringe, The L Word, and am currently finishing Criminal Minds. Thinking of going for Breaking Bad next. That's just so sad.

My Faculty Picture
Note the happiness.

I LOVE going to work. Like love it. I can go to the bathroom when I like, am not screamed at, get to feel productive, eat when I would like, sit at my desk being cerebral, write thoughtful and intelligent work and feel successful. I'm home with the kids for most of the week. Let's recap last Tuesday with the boys for an example. I wake up, pump, put bottles away, get breakfast for Wilson (as he screams CEREAL, CEREAL!!! at me), while simultaneously ensuring Waylon isn't falling down the heating register (one of his new pastimes) or trying to hold Waylon at the same time (because once he gets tired, he follows me around pulling on my pant leg and loudly communicating his annoyance for not picking him up). Then I try to get Wilson to play with something quietly while I put Waylon down for his morning nap. He has a great paint with water activity, but if I leave the table, he pours food in the paint water. If I sit at the table, Waylon won't sleep, but will grab at the paint bowl to try to eat it. To which Wilson will either yell "NO WAYLIE!!" or try to slap at him, while I'm wrestling the baby away from the table. So I give him his alphabet apps on his iPhone. He plays those, but it has to be at the highest volume, so Waylon can't sleep then either. I try to get him playing with his trucks, but then Wilson crashes them against walls, together, my foot. Then he runs around manically with his shopping cart, screeching at the top of his voice, falling over, running into cupboards and giggling loudly. Waylon is exhausted, but won't go to sleep, so I am rocking him and he's drinking his bottle while pulling my hair, grasping at my lips or trying to pinch my nose. Sometimes Wilson wants me to hold him WHILE I'm trying to get Waylon to sleep, so I get to try to hold two boys on my lap, while trying to strategically keep them from striking distance from each other. And by the way, it's only 8 a.m. 

Mike babywearing Waylon
while carrying Wilson on
his shoulders while letting
me get some sleep.
Seriously, a superhero.

I am a neglectful wife. My husband is super man. He goes to work, takes care of bills, is a true co-parent and helps out with the kids whenever needed, gets up early if I need a break from overnight baby duty, is loving and helps out around the house continually. But between pumping over 60 ounces of milk a day, working 3 jobs, corralling a 2 year old, caring for an 8 month old, cosleeping for 8 months with a baby, getting minimal sleep for 2+ years, working hard with consistent intervention strategies to make Wilson an empathic, happy and self-regulated boy, cleaning up after the Wilwind and his tendency to tear his play room apart, taking care of dogs, tending to students' needs, preparing for presentations, writing my book and other publications, checking email, preparing for committees, along with the other 200 things that I am responsible for, I have NOTHING left. I have got an exhausted hug, a kiss and a "how was your day?" while I peer out from the luggage under my eyes and try to stay focused for the answer. I've started getting weekly childcare for my husband and I to have dates or time together because I know that it takes more than a passing hug to keep a marriage whole. And I love him very much. And he can never leave because I would die as a single mother. 

My hero is my childcare provider. Seriously, when she comes in three days a week, I breathe a huge sigh of relief. I can either get sleep, go to work or you know, pee or get a glass of water for myself. Taking care of two active boys is intense and I thank the universe (and her) everyday that I have someone to watch the kids. She loves the kids, they love her, she keeps them busy and SOMEHOW always finds time to do my dishes. Screw Batman. This woman is seriously amazing.

 
The little moments with the kids make it almost worth it. The little smiles, hugs, watching them do something amazing, hearing Wilson say something sweet, putting puzzles together, watching them grow, getting a sweet kiss, seeing that you are their world makes you momentarily feel great about being a parent. Then they smack you in the face and the moment is over. 

I wouldn't have it any other way. Here's the absolute crazy thing. I wouldn't. I love parenting a highly sensitive, high maintenance and demanding Wilson. He teaches me everyday something new and has made me a better counselor/psychologist educator and counselor myself. I understand him and his father in a way that I didn't anticipate after learning about his temperament and his sensitivity to incoming data/information. I love having a baby and seeing how much Waylon is like me. I love sleeping with him at night and the little cuddles he gives me while softly touching my face. I love when Wilson does something sweet like brush my hair or kiss Waylie on the head. I love my teaching, my students, my research, my work at Yale, my committee work, my writing, my publications and presentations, and my counseling work. I miss the kids when I am not with them, but feel so good that I am contributing to my students' lives and all the lives of their clients. I love my husband more and more each day -- and am thankful that he is just as tired as I am, so he doesn't blame me for not putting enough effort into our marriage. He sees my gratitude for him, my giving him self-care time, my love -- and for now, that is enough. I would like more sleep, but I wouldn't want anyone else getting up to comfort my infant sons during the night. Those memories of cuddles, of soft kisses, of cosleeping while holding onto one another will stay with me forever. The boys have made me a better, more thoughtful and mature person in ways I didn't even know could exist. I may be completely and utterly exhausted, but I am a whole person: a mother, a teacher, a researcher, a counselor, spiritual, complete and fulfilled. And I'm betting grown children and retirement will also be pretty fulfilling... at least I'll get more sleep.

Avoiding Behavioral Problems: Keeping the Tots Busy

Now that Wilson has been significantly more cooperative after the implementation of calm down corner, we now have invested in quiet table activities that are sensory-based and can keep Wilson's attention, especially when we need to be doing other things. 

The key to the success of these activities are that they are kept in a separate area from the other toys; we pull down one at a time and work with it for a finite amount of time before we clean it up and move on to something else. When he starts to get upset, I will suggest calming down or playing with a sensory toy and he immediately stops. He also independently asks me to get a toy down if he wants to play with it as well. If your child is younger or has limited verbal abilities, it can help to use pictures of the toys so that they can point or bring you a picture of what they want. 

Along with the readily available calm down box, one of our first toys on our sensory bookshelf is a rice box. Easy to make and super fun for the kids. I took a plastic shoe box and filled it with rice (or couscous if you want to make it feel like sand) and put in a few cups and sea creatures. You can create different colors or make it into a bin for longer play. Either way, you will need an old sheet or blanket to put underneath the play area because it can get messy!

Our second toy on the shelf is play-doh. It is sensory-based, lots of fun and has interactive toys. I also purchased some safety scissors that he can use to cut the play-doh, since he loves interacting with the play-doh and cutting. It helps keep them focused, stimulates the tactile and visual senses. This is one of Wilson's favorites.

We also have several sound puzzles. These make loud noises when you put the piece in. These help develop focus, fine motor skills and keep the kids quiet and engaged. Wilson particularly likes the vehicle puzzle, but Melissa & Doug have several versions.

Another of Wil's favorite sensory toys is putty. It's stretchy and an interesting feeling; it helps focus, ground and keeps interest as it excites the tactile senses. Also, we hide objects (like pennies) in it so that we can dig through it to find them, then hide them again. This is a great calm-down toy as well (helpful when they are feeling over-stimulated, anxious or upset).

We also have a plastic box full of ultra-washable markers, colored pencils, crayons, safety scissors, a jumbo coloring pad, drawing paper and construction paper for Wilson to use to express his creative side. Another big favorite. 

 Paint with water books are fun, non-messy and help access that creative side. We have a few of these along with some preschool paintbrushes. Add water in a small cup and fun time begins!

Potato heads are also a big hit with Wilson; and they require quiet, focused concentration and play.

We have two of these skills boards that help keep him engaged and work on fine motor skills. These ones they usually need some help with at first, so it's not a completely independent activity.

Another activity that he likes is fingerpainting. We have a giant pad, washable fingerpaint colors and a smock to protect his clothes. We pour the paints on a paper plate and cover the table and let him go to town on the paper. He's actually much more cautious and deliberate with this activity than I would have thought. It helps to focus him, stimulate tactile senses and feed his creative side.

Melissa and Doug (who I love, by the way) have various reusable sticker pads which can help create lots of fun for little ones to create scenes -- and again -- help focus and calm, which is the key for all of these activities.

Magnetic dress up play helps develop creativity, focus and fine motor skills. I love this set for Wilson; the only thing that could be better is if Melissa and Doug had equally interesting dress up for a girl doll. I was a little miffed that she doesn't get superhero and fireman; she gets pink clothes, ballerina gear and princess dresses. Not cool, but that is another blog altogether...

Lacing beads are also a great activity. They require fine motor skills, focus, calm and are a great quiet table activity. Wilson loves the challenge of these and keeps going until all the beads are on the string. 

Peg boards are another tool that I got from the Occupational Therapist. They are fun, sensory-based, good learning tools and keep their attention and focus. A nice toy to take for travel as well - if you are planning on dining out, etc.

Sorting puzzles are helpful, calming, help with fine motor skills and are learning activities at the same time. There are a wide variety of these puzzles available - different varieties of the sorting puzzle are available at many locations -- just remember the key is keeping it special and only played with when requested.

Kinetic sand kits are amazing. The feeling of kinetic sand is a crazy sensory experience. Then playing with this in an easy, non-messy, creative way is incredibly engaging for little ones (I love these too!).

This pounding bench is the toddler equivalent to a punching bag. Great for getting out frustration and finding a way to giggle - even when you are feeling mad.

Wilson LOVES cutting things - probably because as a toddler, he is never allowed to touch knives, but sees us cut things all the time. This kit gives them the opportunity to feel like they are doing a big person activity, while working on fine motor skills. They may need help with this at first as they learn how to hold the wooden knife and push it between the food parts (which are held together by velcro).

This company has a few kits which are nice to take with you for travel - particularly eating out. I find when we are waiting for our meal, Wilson gets the most agitated, but keep him busy and he's laughing, sweet and engaged.

These toys, in addition to the calm down kit, have been a lifesaver. These are giving Wilson a positive outlet for all of his energy, help with calming down, a learning tool and a developmentally-based skill-builders! I love the positivity of these sensory methods because you are teaching them how to use external objects to help cope with strong emotions and building self-esteem. I always say that the best adult characteristics (i.e., being independent, knowing what you want, motivated, creative, investigatory, etc.) are the worst toddler characteristics for parents. Keeping a calm down and sensory activity library help you enjoy these toddler characteristics and keep your own sanity as an adult. Important things.

You can view my Pinterest board on sensory toys here: http://www.pinterest.com/mginicola/dealing-with-behavior-problems-in-toddlers/

Breaking My Silence: CIO

There has been so much discussion lately about cry it out (CIO) as a form of sleep training. Particularly since there have been a few recent studies suggesting it does no harm and it has been a topic of conversation, it has bothered me immensely - both personally and as a developmental psychologist. I usually keep my personal parenting practices on controversial topics to myself, but in a moment of inspiration this morning, I've decided that I'm going to share my personal and then my professional (which does differ) philosophy as a developmental psychologist about it. 

First, I do want to say that there is a difference between cry it out and staying in the room with them to support them - also there is a difference between fussing and crying. So if you leave them to work it out when they are "fussing" that is not CIO. Pure CIO, which I am going to comment on here, is the screaming and cries you hear which initially increase when the child realizes that no one is coming and then they gradually decrease until the cries are extinguished as a behavior. There has been some research on this topic and a great amount of discourse among psychologists on the topic.

Personally, I don't use cry it out for three main reasons: 

1. I don't believe that infants and toddlers cry for no reason. It is scientifically supported that infants cannot manipulate because they don't really have an understanding of separation of themselves from their caregiver (called theory of mind). So, if they are crying, they need something - a hug, food, a diaper change or they are sick. Some kids are incredibly needy at nighttime (I had one of these - he didn't sleep through the night until 1 year old and often got up 4 to 5 times every night - it sucked) leading us to think that something we are doing MUST be wrong. But some kids just suck at sleeping and need a huge amount of support. My second son already sleeps better than my oldest did at a year old. And I have done NOTHING differently.
2. Only a small portion of world cultures would even entertain the idea of CIO. Coming from a collectivist perspective, this idea of just letting your child cry to teach them something was literally foreign. You immediately respond to a baby's cries because something is wrong. CIO is pretty much an American (and some European countries) phenomenon. It speaks to the cultural ideal of independence which pervades these same countries - other countries are collectivist and interdependent. Coming from my perspective as a collectivist, I always thought it was incredibly weird that we expected babies (who were just inside of us) to be independent sleepers in a cold foreign environment without us almost immediately. Infants have a biological imperative to sleep next to mom for safety, security and attachment. It is reasonable to think that they need to time and support (which may take a year or more) to detach and sleep independently.
3. My Motto for parenting is "Everything I do teaches them something". It's an annoying reminder to myself that I can't just tell my child what is right; I have to look at what I am doing at all times and what message it sends. One of the largest lessons I want my children to learn from me is empathy - to be sensitive always to the needs of others, be kind and respectful. To me, ignoring cries, under any circumstances, doesn't teach this - it teaches that it is perfectly acceptable to ignore the pain of others in some situations. I personally can't imagine listening to a crying adult and saying, "I think you can handle this independently; I'm going to leave the room now so you can self-soothe..." Since empathy is my number one goal for my children, this is something I never want them to hear from my behavior. I sincerely believe the world would be a much better place if everyone had empathy for each other.

That's my biased personal philosophy. Now here's my professional opinion as a developmental psychologist.

1. It is highly doubtful that you can harm your child with a few days of cry it out given that they are over 6 months of age (some research suggest a year), have an easy temperament AND that this method does not pervade into the daytime. Children are incredibly resilient and outside of biological conditions, only sustained trauma can typically cause developmental harm and delays. Please note that I said easy temperament - you can absolutely harm children with slow to warm or difficult temperaments by not being responsive. Children who are slow to warm need an increased level of support due to an increased inborn anxiety. Ignoring them will INCREASE that anxiety that could reach threshold for a mental health disorder. When a child develops a mental health disorder like anxiety, it is more likely that they will have that disorder their entire life, will have a more severe form of the condition and will need more intensive treatment. A child with a difficult temperament has a decreased or completely lacking ability to self-regulate; this means that they CANNOT self-soothe. Ignoring them will only lead to them becoming more angry and potentially aggressive. Wilson unfortunately fell into that category, making the first 2 years of his life a freaking nightmare of sleep problems. There were some nights that I had to wake Mike up because I wanted to throw him down the stairs. Not kidding. Between the sleep deprivation, stress and difficulty trying to help a child with no self-soothing and sleep issues, I simply couldn't take it sometimes. But that is why it is so important to get support. When I got to that place, I would set him back down, run and get Mike and say, "Tag, you're it. Peace. I'm out."
2. I don't think that CIO is the best option for baby, but sometimes parents need a relief from the strictures of modern parenting without a community of support. Without the help of family, friends or a co-parent, you may have limited options. If your choice is no sleep and potentially becoming depressed because you have no support, I would say that CIO is a viable option. Because as a depressed caregiver, you are going to do more harm to attachment than CIO could (with an easy tempered baby). As a developmental psychologist, I would suggest safe co-sleeping first, however; since this usually helps mom sleep better, keeps the responsiveness there and is also used successfully in the vast number of cultures around the world.
3. It is important that parents understand this is NOT teaching "self-soothing". This is extinguishing a behavior, pure and simple. They learn that crying does not work to bring aid during the night. It does not teach what to do instead, so you could end up with a variety of outcomes - including increased anxiety, behavioral problems, insomnia and other sleep issues OR self-soothing. Easy children typically can self-soothe to begin with, so they just use that as their replacement behavior. So in other words again, temperament matters.

I think that this is such a controversial issue because in one extreme perspective, it causes harm and is neglectful. In another, it is the responsible way to make your child independent. Personally and professionally, I do not want any parent to feel judged for making a responsible decision about their child - and unfortunately these conversations usually go in that direction. When it comes to the utility of CIO, I would say, as any good psychologist would, that IT DEPENDS. It depends on temperament, your situation and your parenting philosophy. It also sucks to think that we could be doing something that has harmed our child, as the culture is constantly blaming caregivers - particularly mothers - for everything and expecting them to be perfect, leading to increase depression and anxiety among mothers. Honestly, these conversations make me long for the days where there was more daytime and nighttime community and family support for mothers. Which is why, at the end of the day, I always say, I trust that responsible parents make the right decisions for their own children - just follow your instincts!!

Calm Down Time

Since I spoke about our calm down box in my latest post, I figured I would write a quick post on our calm down box which has been very successful with Wilson thus far. I keep all his special activities in plastic shoe boxes. These used to hold my epic collection of hot shoes. Now, they hold toddler activities. Oh, how life has changed...

We bought a cheap bean bag for him to relax in if he likes during calm down time. It's comfy and meets some of his tactile and auditory sensory needs.

This book, part of a Toddler Tools series, is amazing. It is rhythmic, fun for kids to look at, describes emotions and cool-down techniques. It is developmentally appropriate and gives parent tips at the end as well. Wilson's favorite part is "One...Two...Three... I'm taking care of me!" I sit with Wilson during calm down time and offer support if he wants it. Usually, he likes me to read this book to him a few times. But sometimes, he looks through it himself and does his breathing on his own.

These puffer balls are great! You can squeeze them, feel them, touch them to your skin. Wilson likes to hold them to his neck and push them together. Also another sensory-based toy that helps refocus.

This is something even I love to play with - it's called a Tangle Jr. You can pull it, twist it and make different shapes and tangles. This one is a fuzzy one, which adds to the sensory experience.

I also have a stress ball in the kit to help alleviate frustration and get rid of angry energy. I taught him to "sqqquuuueeeeeeezzzzzze" it emphatically, using his whole body. He loves this, says 'squeeze it' very dramatically and giggles.

A calm down bottle made with sparklies and glitter glue (I bought mine because I'm not crafty!!) is a nice addition. It provides visual stimulation that visualize calming down. Wilson likes to shake it up, then watch it quietly as the glitter moves slowly.

I included a few "pop toobs". These are just plastic toys that you can pull apart and push together and they make noise. Gives some attention to the auditory senses and allows their hands to be busy with something. Pushing it together and then pulling it out again seems to be very satisfying for Wilson!

I put a few pinwheels in this kit. I have him take a deep breath in, then blow on the front of the pinwheel to make it twirl. He loves watching it and is taking important deep breaths meanwhile, which help him calm.

Some colorful feathers allow him some sensory tactile input, but also can be blown on to practice breathing as well!

I put some lavender oil on these silk flowers and taught him how to smell the flowers deeply through his nose, then let out a deep sigh. The lavender oil helps relaxation and he is doing deep cleansing breaths without knowing it!




My pinterest board on my Calm Down Corner has links on where I bought everything (very cheaply I might add!). After he is feeling better, we will pick up all the toys and put them back in the box. I keep it out of his reach, but he can ask for it anytime and I always offer it to him when he starts to get upset. It's amazing to watch him start to struggle with his emotions, then quickly run over to calm down time to reset and get control of his emotions: A bonding experience that is empowering for both of us with no power struggles.

 Follow Misty's board Calm Down Corner on Pinterest.

Mommyfessions

So, it's time I made some mommy confessions. Some of you know that I've been going through a tough time with Wilson. If you read my blog, you know that I talk about Wilson's "difficult" temperament (sometimes endlessly, I know). We knew from birth that Wilson was a bit different and had higher needs, to say the least. This is him at 4 months old.

Yes, that is him yelling at a toy. At 4 months old, he was MAD at a toy because it did not conform to his ways. He did not smile a lot during this time; never heard a giggle from him until he was a toddler. He's always had trouble regulating everything: eating, sleeping, his emotions, particularly his anger. It was cute when he was little; not so cute as a toddler.

Mommyfession #1: I did not enjoy spending time with my son.

In response to his high needs and difficult temperament, we've been patient, responsive and took a positive, parenting approach. Reinforcement and natural consequences. We swooned every time he did something great; if he was misusing something, he lost it if he didn't correct his behavior. If he did something wrong, we used correction, making him do it over again the right way. It's not that our positive parenting thing was perfect; believe me, we've yelled. We've said "NO!!" and "STOP" more times than we can count...in a day. But overall, we try using the positive way; instead of saying, "Don't put your hands there," we would say, "Keep your hands to yourself, please!" But our positive parenting became more "work" than our jobs. I would be exhausted by the end of the day because we were always "on". We were trying to phrase commands correctly and keep up with his boundless energy and limitless talent for pushing every boundary and finding trouble wherever he could. We were constantly chasing him. We lived in a fully gated prison-like environment because he had outsmarted all of our locks and gates. Mike had to take the handles off of the drawers in the kitchen because he would use them to climb up to get on the counter. He frantically pushed buttons, stole phones and keys, threw things, grabbed plugs, broke things. It never ended. Now, I want to be clear: we NEVER let him get away with anything. We were always right there, stopping him, making him do things over, correcting him, setting boundaries, taking things away. And our frustration of his desires was evident: he had over 20 full-blown tantrums a day. He kicked, he hit. He collapsed on the ground and threw his head onto the floor. He would even punch himself in the head because he got so angry and frustrated. The only way to avoid the misery was to keep him active and moving from activity to activity in a new place.

When I was pregnant in my third trimester, I just couldn't do this and thus suffered every day with Wilson and his endless emotional deregulation. After the baby, the only way Mike survived was to take him out pretty much all the time. His entire summer was spent running around to parks, the mall, grocery shopping and doing various errands to keep him occupied. But neither of us could watch both kids together for very long. Wilson would not cooperate in the slightest and it was too frustrating. Our days, from start to finish, were exhausting misery. We would split up our time with Wilson, tagging in the other parent when one parent frankly wanted to strangle him or have a dissociative fugue and abandon the whole family.

Don't get me wrong. There were moments of pure joy. Wilson has a great sense of humor, is creative, smart and LOVES electronics, music and water with such pure abandon. We loved him intensely, but over the summer, neither Mike nor I were eager to spend time with Wilson, which of course wracked us with guilt. We did not realize how difficult he actually was until we had Waylon. Way was calm, flexible and social. He slept well, was smiley and giggly. He was affectionate, sweet and loving. Waylon was like a self-cleaning oven that just liked to be held a lot. Wilson was like a oven that caught fire every time you looked at it. We found ourselves loving time with Waylon, less so with Wilson. More guilt.

When fall started to approach, we enlisted help to remain sane. We knew we needed a village to raise this kid, so we have a babysitter who takes him out for a few hours every morning and then comes back so that I give him his lunch and then put him down for a nap. Then we spent the nights together once Mike got home so we did not have to juggle Wilson and our newborn. But after 10 minutes at home in the afternoon, I would be looking at the clock to see when nap time was. More guilt.

Mommyfession #2: I had nothing left in my toolbelt.

I used all of my considerable toolbelt to help him learn to regulate his emotions and behavior. I have worked with children with special needs (autism, emotional disturbance, intellectual disability), massive behavioral disorders and mental health issues. I have an amazing toolbelt. I consult with parents on all sorts of problems for all different types of children at various ages. Successfully. But improvement with Wilson was slow and incremental. One step forward, then two steps back. Something would start to work, then stop. We did see progress though: his temper tantrums moved from being 30 minutes long to less than a minute. He stopped hitting, biting, pinching - all lovely things to go through as a parent. But in the end, he still had over 20 tantrums a day - over-reacting or breaking down at the slightest frustration.

I don't use corporal punishment, nor do I philosophically agree with punishment, based on years of research and what matched my own personality and style. Even so, we were so desperate we did dabble in time-out. Not only did it not work for him, he escalated. It amounted to 45 minutes of me holding him while he was screaming, crying hysterically and sweating profusely. There is some good research on why this does not work for some kids; apparently mine was one.

I have always believed in a scaffolding approach, which helped resolve his eating and sleeping issues. Basically, we looked at what he was able to do at that  moment. For example, he could not for the life of him, put himself to sleep. So I would rock him until he was asleep, which usually took 30 minutes. Then the next night, 28 minutes, then 26 minutes and so on. We finally got down to 2 minutes and he began liking to lay down by himself. Then I cut out the rocking and laid down by him for 10 minutes. Then 8 minutes, etc. Until he didn't need us anymore. So scaffolding believes in your child's needs (that they are real and sincere), meets them where they are at, and slowly detracts support as they become more independent. It is INCREDIBLY hard work, but it is a real investment. When it pays off, it is huge. Wilson now goes to bed happily at 7:30 p.m. after a book and being tucked in and gets up at 7 a.m. He often wakes up once - hungry or thirsty - in the middle of the night so we bring him up a bottle and hand it to him. He takes it and goes right back down in his bed. He typically takes 3 hour naps and goes down the same way. He rivals any other 2-year-old for how cooperative he is at bedtime and how much of a good sleeper he is now.

But, I had no idea how to do this approach with teaching him to self-regulate his emotions. I tried taking breaths, taking space, massage, support, etc. He still got frustrated and angry at the drop of a hat. He could not calm down when angry; and he lost all of his ability to speak and use his words. It was never that he was trying to be manipulative or trying to be a pain. I could see the pain in his eyes as he lost his words when he wanted something. How his "tantrums" were hurting him too. He was in so much pain and would hurt himself rather than us. I was sad for him. And felt horrible that I, as a Yale-trained developmental psychologist was out of ideas.

 Mommyfession #3: I needed help.

Since I'm in the field and was at a loss myself, it was time to get help. Connecticut is a great state for this - they have the child development 211 system and birth to three. I called and made an appointment for an assessment as he turned 2 years old. I think it is always hard for parents to realize that they need help or their child is not "normal"; but honestly, the earlier you can do the intervention, the better. And you are not alone. Every child needs something - whether it's something normative like being shy or having lower self-esteem; or something like a learning disability, a mental health issue, Autism or speech issues. These things are not a reflection on you as a parent; I watched my baby have these issues within months of his birth. Temperament is stronger than you can imagine.

So, birth to three came out for a FREE (!) assessment. Wilson was assessed on several areas of development. His physical abilities were on par for his age; his verbal abilities were significantly higher. He did not have any Autistic symptoms. He was above 85% of his peers in expressive language and almost 99% of his peers in receptive language (really need to watch what I say around him now...). But his self-regulation, particularly his emotional regulation, was 3 Standard Deviations BELOW the mean for kids his age. Even if you don't know exactly what that means, it sounds bad and it is bad. I'm not sure he could get any lower. As hard as that was to hear, it was a relief. It was NOT just us - there was a problem. When they selected a therapist for Wilson, I was relieved that they picked an Occupational Therapist, not a Behaviorist. Because if someone gave me a behavior plan, I might smack them myself.

But happily, they gave us Miss Elaine. She came once a week for one hour. She watched Wilson and then brought multiple ideas on how to get his language moving when he is frustrated. She described it as his brain was short-circuiting (emotion part of the brain blocking his cognitive and language centers) when he was frustrated. She pointed out how he lost his language and would shut down. I had seen it before, but was unsure of what was happening. She helped us focus on sensory activities that could keep him engaged and focused, particularly when we needed some time or space to get things done. She also revealed a scaffolding approach that I had not thought of: we introduce low levels of frustration and help him keep his words and extend his patience. So we began playing "your turn, my turn" where to take his turn with something he had to either say it or sign it. We also play with some toys (like puzzles, etc.) with him and keep all the parts. We give him two choices on what he wants and then wait for him to use his words to get the piece. We began to see some immediate improvement, but still saw that quick frustration.

So after one visit, I bought the very cheap sensory toys from amazon that she had tried out with him and worked well. We have a sensory box (rice with ocean animals in it) that we put over a sheet and he can play and feel the rice and use cups to scoop it. We have a calm down box that has several sensory toys in it, along with a calm down book. I bought Mr. and Mrs. Potato head since he loved those. I also bought some art supplies (jumbo coloring book and a writing pad). And we have several learning games on our iPad. On my own I did some research and I bought props that help us teach him deep breathing: a feather, a pinwheel and a silk flower which has lavender oil on it.

One morning shortly after starting to see Elaine I noticed that Wilson did not have a tantrum. He was helpful, easy to engage. He helped me cook breakfast and happily ate it. That night, I revealed the new toys to him and we separated them out into boxes. He loved his calm down book - made me read it three times and repeated the great saying "1..2..3.. I'm taking care of me.." and then took a deep breath. He tested out everything and helped clean up things easily. Then he did something that changed everything for me. He took three of the sensory balls that I had gotten him and squooshed them into his neck and said, "Mommy...happy! Happy, happy!" Mike and I have often talked about the lack of happiness in Wilson; it's not that he can't be funny - he is. He can laugh and does. But he is so serious and frustrated most of the time, that happiness isn't something he really does. But he was right, for the first time he was able to use his words to communicate his emotions and he was - happy.

The help we got for Wilson is working. He's have almost no tantrums every day, using his calm down corner, learning how to use his words or communicate when he is frustrated, listening and behaving well. He communicates displeasure with a "ohhhh nooooo" now and moves on. He is happy and we can easily manage both kids now when one parent is on their own. He uses his sensory toys often and can sit and focus on the ricebox, play-doh, putty or art for long periods of time. He will ask for his calm down box and take deep breaths as he looks through the contents. 

But it changed more than Wilson. I began feeling like an effective parent again. I enjoyed spending time with him. He was flourishing and so were we. I loved our play times, practicing breathing and yoga. I loved seeing how he grows. His language improved. He is showing more empathy every day. With just a little outside, non-biased help, we were able to see that he had some sensory needs that we weren't meeting - that we didn't know how. 

We've still got a long way to go, but I know we'll make it. I know lots of parents end up getting help for their kids and feel embarrassed about it. But in the end, early intervention helps and avoids later problems. So rather than pretend our children and parenting are perfect, I think we should all 'fess up and support each other. And most importantly, we must learn how to meet the needs of our children in a way that helps build their self esteem; we must learn to accept and enjoy the unique individuals that they are.