Full Professor

Well, it is official! I have just been promoted to full Professor at Southern Connecticut State University. This is the pinnacle achievement of my career as an academic. It is beyond exciting. But as I tend to do, I'm feeling quite existential and nostalgic. As I receive congratulatory messages, which I adore and appreciate, I keep reflecting back at all that brought me to this place. Yes, I worked hard, but there is no way that I would be here without a number of people, guardian angels/spirits, and pure luck that allowed me to reach this major career milestone. I wrote this blog in a totally unfiltered, authentic way to tell my true experiences. Those close to me know this full story; but many do not. In some ways, this is a full "coming out" that I am sharing about my career journey: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

The Letter! It's official, ya'll!

I graduated high school when I was 14 from a home-based accelerated correspondence high school program. I don't consider it a you-were-a-genius kind of program, but rather a stuck-at-home, dear-god-I-am-so-bored, so let-me-finish-up each subject within days of the curriculum's arrival to my house. I finished high school in a year and a half. This experience taught me that I could achieve if I put my mind to something; it also taught me that I could find all the answers I needed by reading the background material, practicing, and believing in myself. I worked hard for my own learning. I will forever be thankful to my mother who believed I could do better with schooling from home.

My graduation photo. And Yes, I was only 14.
I always looked much older.
What a nightmare for my parents.

After graduation, I had to wait until I was 16 to go to college or I could bring a parent with me to classes; since parent-in-tow was not exactly a cool college accessory, I decided to wait until I was 16. My parents gave me enough money to pursue any correspondence learning certifications I wanted while I waited. When I asked my father what I should do, he said, "Anything with computers, honey. That's where the world is going." Wise sage that he was! I spent the next year and half gaining two certificates: computer-assisted accounting (I am a pro at taxes and can make a spreadsheet like nobody's business) and a certified fitness instructor (kind of let that one slide a bit...). I also ran a day care center for several local children in order to save up enough money for a car: my beat-up beautiful 1984 Plymouth Horizon that cost me $600.

Me, Age 16. Oh God, the perm. Should have loved my straight hair...

While I was waiting to go to college, I remember talking to two people about what I should do for a degree; my friend Holly told me the famous Confucius proverb "Do what you love and you will never work a day in your life." I thought a lot about what I was good at and enjoyed - it was really learning about people, talking to them, and helping them to find peace and their way on their path. My brother Steve told me about his love for psychology and directed me to information about it as a profession. When I turned 16, I got my license, got a job to support myself, and registered for our local community college. I will never forget when my dad, who always had issues with reading since he dropped out of school at such a young age to support his family, brought me to school to help me fill out the financial aid forms, attend orientation, and encourage me to go to college. It must have been very uncomfortable for him in that he did not know how to fill out these forms; and a college atmosphere was probably pretty foreign-feeling. I will be forever be grateful to my father for supporting me to start this path and always doing whatever he could to support me while I was doing my best to survive college and working full-time.

My dad always supporting me!

I loved college and learning. I loved the people there. But I was still struggling with my own demons: I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as a result of being molested as a child and growing up two-spirited (bisexual) in a very small town didn't help my feelings of normalcy. When I started dating, the impulse to run away from my problems intensified. After a year, I moved away and got married to the first guy that I had dated. Not a bright move, and before the year was over, I understood that clearly. My brother Steve was kind enough to take me in while I went through the divorce, got back on my feet, help me get a new job in the field of developmental disabilities, get back to another community college to finish my Associates' degree, and seek counseling for the PTSD and depression I had at that time. As stupid as I felt for my brief first marriage, having been married made me an "independent" student so I did not have to consider my parents' income and was eligible for more financial aid. Yay for stupid decisions! I worked as hard as I could at work, college, and on my own mental health. I learned Yoga at Corning Community College, which would be with me as a coping strategy continued through today. I began to embrace my differences, including being two-spirited (although I went through a long journey there as well!) and made some lifelong friends (Leah! Davette!) who supported me. I graduated with my Associates' degree at 19 and transitioned out of counseling happy and healthy.  I will forever be thankful to Steve for supporting me and helping me to find my happiness again. I became the first in my family to earn a college degree, and I was hungry for more.

Steve and me holding a Pocahontas doll; she needed love too.
We took weirder pictures, believe me.

Over the next few years, I worked in supervisory and administrative roles in a developmental services agency, went to SUNY Cortland for college, learned a tremendous amount in the fields of psychology and genetics, and continued to find myself and my career goals. I had some great mentors here and was even given a teaching opportunity in an undergraduate teaching assistantship. I also met Alina here, an amazing lifelong friend and person, who became my roommate and cheerleader. I had an amazing supervisor at work (Lori Gallerani), outstanding professors, great friends, and such a positive support system through this time. There were so many professors who meant so much to me, but one in particular, Dr. Judith Ouelette, will always stand out to me. She was a funny, passionate, intelligent professor who made experimental psychology not intimidating, but easy to learn. She also was authentic and an advocate for LGBT rights. She impacted me in so many ways. I would hang out in the Psychology Department, helping new students, advising, and learning about academia in the field of psychology. It took me a few more years, but I graduated at 21 with my Bachelors' degree in psychology with a concentration in psychology of exceptional children. I will forever be thankful to Dr. Ouelette and the other amazing people at SUNY Cortland for sparking my love for academia.

My 21-year old self & Dr. Ouellette

I did it!

Unfortunately, I did not have any information on how to apply to doctorate programs; I made many errors. I did not know how to write admission essays, I did not know to look for a specific mentor to match to, I really had no idea what I was doing. Even though I graduated Summa Cum Laude and had a ton of awards, as well as research experience, I did not get into either doctoral program to which I applied. After my second rejection letter, I sat at my kitchen table and cried. I knew I wanted to be a psychologist. But, I had to go to a doctoral program for that. I was also afraid for my student loan repayment to kick in if I didn't go back to school. I moped for a few hours, then jumped online to see which Masters programs in New York were still accepting applications. I ended up applying and being accepted into SUNY New Paltz for my Masters Degree in Psychology. That move was actually one of the most luckiest moves in my career. Not only did I attend an amazing program and meet incredibly interesting fellow students, I met a profoundly impactful mentor, who directly influenced my life and career. I learned a lot about counseling, about myself, and about what I could be capable of achieving. I also made another lifelong friend, Jess, who I will probably be with in my twilight years, rooming in a nursing home together. We share a soul energy that everyone picks up on, asking us if we are sisters or twins, although we legitimately look nothing alike. I loved SUNY New Paltz, the region, the students and faculty; that first year in New Paltz will always register as one of the  most happiest times of my life.

Look at how rested I was before non-furry kids!

When it came to applying for doctoral programs, I had spent hundreds of hours learning about the process, what the tricks and secrets were, and what I needed to focus on in my essays and Curriculum Vitae (academic resume). Unfortunately, around this same time, I also got sick with a life-threatening infection and several other complicated health issues. After treatment and surgery, I recovered, but the close call shook me intensely. I did not truly deal with this until years later. When it came time to apply for my doctoral programs, I shared my list with my mentor, Dr. Carol Vazquez. She asked me why there were no Ivy league Universities on my list. I looked at her in shock; I certainly couldn't get into an Ivy! She, in her characteristic fiery way said, "You most certainly can. You are bright, have the grades and other skills to prove it. You WILL apply to Ivys." I went and did my research and came back to Dr. Vazquez defeated; I told her that I liked both Harvard and Yale's program, but I just couldn't afford even the application fees. She looked at me, turned around, and wrote me a check for the application fees on the spot. I broke into tears; her kindness, compassion, and belief in me will be something that I will never forget. To this day, I can't even think about it without getting tears in my eyes.

Dr. Vazquez and Me!

I got into every program (15 this time) that I had applied to that year. When I applied to Yale, I was insanely lucky that one professor saw my application, pulled it out of the ginormous pile (over 300 applications for 2 positions), and contacted me. He asked me to provide him with more information. I had prepared a website and learned html (thanks for the help, Michael Grandner!) to put a portfolio of my materials online. I contacted all of my previous mentors at Cortland and New Paltz to send additional letters directly to him. I spoke with him on the phone and did my best to share my interests and talents. For what I was told, when the committee met, he sat down, plopped my file on the table and said, "I'm taking her." I have no doubt in my mind that I would never have gotten into Yale without Edward Zigler. He even called me to tell me himself that I was accepted. I was 24 years old.

My first year at Yale. And that is Laila. Yes, she's that old.

Once I got to Yale, I had to deal with some not-so-great cultural competence in faculty, continued health issues, and a complete change of research area. Luckily, Ed Zigler directed me to work with Matia Finn-Stevenson, who became another amazing mentor to me. I continued to work with Ed and Matia, becoming involved in school-based programming, mental health/ social emotional learning in schools, and program evaluations. I learned an amazing amount in my time there. I was also a teaching assistant for Peter Salovey one semester; his ability to capture and motivate student learning was nothing short of amazing. He was a stand up-comic, an actor, and absolute font of knowledge in a way that I learned could make students enjoy class time. Half way through Yale, I also took time off to deal with the re-emergence of my PTSD symptoms that initially began with the near-death illness. As much as I tried to ignore them, I could not keep those symptoms at bay. Taking a break over the summer allowed me to work hard on my own mental health, and got back on my feet, working through those issues once again. Thanks to some amazing friends (Jessica & Joe Trzaska) and a stay in California (thanks again Michael Grandner!), I was doing much better. I remember Matia sent me an email after that saying, "I know you can do this! I believe in you!" I don't think she knew that I cut it out and pasted it by my desk so that I could look at every day. The day I presented my dissertation defense was also life-altering. I had made it! After it was over and my readers had left, Ed and I sat there just talking for hours. I was his last student; and I had reached a milestone of which I could have never dreamed as a child - I received my Doctoral degree from Yale University. I was 29. I published my dissertation, accepted a post-doctorate position with the School of the 21st Century, and got married to kind of the most amazing man ever, Mike Ginicola. Yale will forever be a place that I am incredibly fond of - they gave me the prestige that comes with Yale, amazing learning and teaching experiences, and mentors that made me a true academic. I could never repay Ed or Matia for what they provided to me; I know that my career and the people that I help are all possible because of their encouragement and support.

Ed toasting us at a wedding celebration Matia & 21C threw for Mike & I

Flip Flop, wedges, Misty? Really?!?

At my Yale Graduation, I remember my father saying, "I wished we could have helped you more." And I looked at him dumbfounded. He had given me everything. He believed in me always, my parents bailed me out numerous times when I had no money left after buying books or my car broke down, and above all else, they taught me how to work hard. I was fighting through tears, but I was able to tell him just that.

Yale graduation

As I planned for my post-doctorate position in the fall, I realized that I would sincerely miss teaching. I had learned to love it; I could never be happy without being in a classroom. I sent my teaching portfolio to all the local colleges and was starting to get invitations to teach classes. At the time, I just so happened to have a new mentee, Christina Saccoccio, working for me in my Yale lab. She told me she had just started a graduate program in Counseling and School Psychology at Southern Connecticut State University, and that they had an open faculty position. She took my portfolio to the department and I received a call that afternoon. After an interview and a class presentation, I was offered the job. I was ecstatic to receive my first academic job before I turned 30. Christina and I are friends to this day, and again, without her telling me of the position, I would not be where I am today.

Before starting Academia. So young, tanned, relaxed...

As an Assistant Professor, I realized that people that thought academia was cushy, had no idea what was really required or were not doing it right. I was handed 4 old syllabi in my first semester and told to get my courses ready. I had to research the topics, get the books myself, research the accrediting organizations' requirements, understand student needs and plan 14 weeks of lectures and activities. Each 2.5 hour lecture takes about 10 hours to plan and create. Do the math. Times 4 classes. It wasn't pretty. I also continued my research and service activities. As hard as it was, I adored my students. I found myself settling into an academic identity as a teacher and researcher, focusing on issues of cultural competence in counseling. As my identity started to shift, I began to seek the requirements (clinical hours and education) to gain my license as a Professional Counselor as well. And I had another comrade-in-arms or work wife, depending on the day, Margaret Generali, who started at the same time I was. She is funny, kind, authentic and an amazingly hard worker. We clung to each other like we were on a life raft to survive our first few years.

All Professor-like

It was half way through this experience, that I unfortunately experienced sexual harassment. I was so horrified, but after finding out that this was behavior that had persisted in our department and had happened to 4 other women, past and present (that we knew of). Fearing what would happen if it went unchecked and that it had potentially happened to students (which we later learned it had), I went forward with a complaint. This will rank top 5 of the worst experiences in my life. I will forever be grateful for the support of Margaret Generali, Cheri Smith, Louisa Foss and Uchenna Nwachuku during this time. 2 years after going through the complaint, when I went up for tenure and promotion to Associate Professor, the Dean (no longer there) and Chair (no longer there) put the same man on my Department Evaluation Committee. When I spoke up that I thought it was ridiculously unethical, I was told that I should "be over it" and "that everything would be alright". Even after always having the highest level of evaluations every year, having a solid CV, just winning an outstanding teaching award, and leading our programs to successful accreditation, I was given an abysmal evaluation by the Department Evaluation Committee, Chair, and Dean. I felt insane (was this seriously happening???), victimized, and retaliated against. If it weren't for the support of my colleagues, particularly Cheri Smith and Uchenna Nwachuku, my friends and my husband, I'm not sure I would have made it through this. Luckily, the University Committee and Provost saw my work as it truly was and recommended me for both tenure and promotion. Getting that letter in the mail was like a mountain being removed from my shoulders: I cried in relief. Our entire department shifted after this event. The unsupportive people left and our department was left with an amazing group of people, who I call not only my colleagues, but my friends. Although I am incredibly grateful to all of these supportive faculty, I also owe a debt to those unsupportive asshats that made my life hell. It kicked my motivation and energy into super-gear and led me to pursue social justice and advocacy personally, and in practice, service, and research.

With Uchenna at the Tenure & Promotion Celebration

Cheri Smith, Me, & Louisa Foss-Kelly.
Margaret, why the heck don't we have any pictures together???

As an Associate professor, I lived at work. My friends and husband became used to me being absent, exhausted, and/or sick, and yet still supported me. I pushed myself to achieve and found that in doing so, had made a real impact on my career, school, university, and the field of counseling. However, my self-care really suffered; no, maybe suffered was not the right term. I never fully developed my self care. From age 14 to age 35, I had never learned to truly take care of myself. I had a wake up-call at 34, I needed to be present for my life and my family and friends; I began making sure that I was there for them in the same way that I was for work. Then, I had a child; and then another within 21 months. To keep producing as an academic, be a good friend and family member, AND to be a good mother, self-care became necessary for my survival. It took me about 3 years and some solid good nights of sleep, but I had finally felt balanced. I began to say no to things, ask for help, plan realistically, and prioritize. I spent a brief stint in counseling again to support these new behaviors, and I finally found a way to care for myself, achieve, and be present for my family and friends. (p.s. there's an app for that!)

Learning a new role, much harder than graduating from Yale

When I applied for promotion to full professor, I got to see my career's work thus far all put together. From my hire in August of 2006 to  Fall 2015, I had accumulated a 30-page Curriculum Vitae. I had taught 97 classes of 16 different courses for a total of 271 credits. When I sent a call out for recommendation letters, I received 23 letters from students and faculty. I pretty much cried reading each one. To hear that you had made a positive impact on someone's life is so humbling. I had been evaluated by over 1,300 students with positive evaluations. I had 36 publications, 80 presentations, and had received 26 small grants. My work had been recognized by the University, local newspapers, CNN, and Fox CT Morning Show. I had served on 54 total committees/positions and, in the fall, still had 22 service assignments. I took 12 college credits for retraining, had gained 3,000 hours of counseling experience, and had 102.5 credits of continuing education. I became licensed as a Professional Counselor. I had 8 professional memberships, served as a consultant and expert witness, and had a private practice. I was proud of my relationships with my sons; I had been able to be close to them, help them with their special needs, and be mentally well. My relationship with my husband continues to be strong; and I am proud that he was also bit by the over-achieving bug and is being recognized with awards on his amazing work as an educator.

What 10 Years of Work Looks Like in Binder Form

None of this has been easy, but I am incredibly blessed to be surrounded by amazing, supportive people. I sincerely enjoy the faculty that I work with; they are amazing people. As this process was 1,000 times smoother than applying for my Associate Professor, I began thinking a few months ago about life after promotion to full Professor. I get to choose to do what I wish now. Will I slow down from my break-neck speed? Yes. But I will always pour my heart and soul into my teaching. I will continue to do research on those who need someone to advocate for them. I will continue to be known for multicultural counseling and competence. I will serve in ways that bring quality to my program, department, school, university, state and national field. I will continue my private practice and help children, adolescents, and adults find their path. I will also continue to dedicate my life to compassion, kindness, and increased understanding for those who are the most vulnerable among us.

The Over-Achieving Ginicolas

Looking back where I was 22 years ago when I started my college journey, if one event or person hadn't have been there, I wouldn't be here today. The pain, the joy, the support, the hard work, the long days, the growth, the learning, the mistakes, and the pride are overwhelming to consider. From a weird kid, broken in many ways, in an impoverished rural area to a full professor, living comfortably, happily married with two kids. All I really feel at this moment (in addition to massive relief for getting the official letter), is immense gratitude for the mentors, mentees, faculty, students, family, and friends that carried me to this place. I hope I have impacted your life in a fraction of the way that you have impacted mine.