Breaking Down the Walls

Growing up, being different in many ways, I learned how to build walls. Walls around my heart, walls between people who did not understand me, walls between people that had different political beliefs, walls between those who could hurt my heart, walls, walls, walls. It's only recently with a wellness journey, with daily yoga practice and study, daily meditation and breathing practice, that I've started to see my role in building those walls. But, I still pushed people, including family, away past the boundaries of those walls.

And then, very recently, my world turned upside down, those walls came crashing down, and my heart is open and raw, because of Waylon.

Waylon Joseph Ginicola was a surprise baby - less than 2 years younger than his brother and treasured by Mike (my husband) and I since birth. Waylon always was an interesting kid. His pregnancy was so different than Wilson's, so much calmer and noticeably, I was much happier. I had the feeling that Waylon would be a super interesting and loving child.

Waylon was born on May 29, 2014. His labor was 50 minutes long after I started labor. He was ready for this world, even when I was not ready for him. He was born with me standing up, holding onto Mike, and our midwife diving below us to literally catch him after I screamed, "The baby is coming....NOW!!" Despite his crazy entry into this world, he was noticeably different from his brother - peaceful, sweet, and calm. We called him Baby Buddha.

At 3 months old, I noticed a sassy spirit. As he grew bigger, it was hard to avoid - he was bigger than his little shell of a body. He was sensitive, sweet, sassy, and very funny. Mike saw how much he was like me. He looked like me, and was a little hot mess like me as well. But he was more than anything, sweet, affectionate, and loving.

I loved my baby boy. I loved dressing him up in his cute little boy clothes. I had all my "boys": my husband, my son, Wilson, and Waylon; and that was that. 

We noticed something different about Waylon at around 18 months; he wasn't interested in toys we had, and he had a speech delay. There was no pretend play, and very few words. We called in Birth to Three and they began services. There still was no interest in most toys, however. Then one day, after he had turned two, I brought him to the gym childcare while I worked out. I came back and Waylon was holding a baby, feeding the baby swaddled in a blanket and playing with a little stroller. Pretend play!! It hit me. The problem wasn't with Waylon; the problem was that we did not have the right toys!

Wilson picked up on the messages Waylon was giving us before I did. One day for a reward, I took him toy shopping. He asked to pick up Waylon something. And he picked these little princess shoes. I asked him if he was SURE that was what he wanted to get him. He told me, "Waylon is going to love these." And he was right. Waylon lit right up - and wouldn't take them off - even to sleep.

That year for Christmas, we stocked up on the toys that Waylon showed interest in at the gym: doll babies, a stroller, crib, jewelry, and all sorts of fun stuff. As I wrapped the presents that year, it struck me - it looked like we had a girl and a boy. All Waylon's toys were stereotypically female. All Wilson's stereotypically male. It isn't as if I hadn't tried to change their interests - I once gave Wilson a doll and he looked at me like I had just insulted him. He dropped the poor doll baby on its head and never touched it again. He gravitated to blocks, cars, and technology. Waylon liked blocks and figurines, but really showed no interest in any of Wilson's others toys. That Christmas was the first one that I saw Waylon actually PLAY with the toys we bought.

Our Abuela and Tia Gaby, who have helped us with both kids, sent pictures and told us of something peculiar, yet endearing, that Waylon was doing at their house. Waylon was going into Abuela's closet and stealing her high heels. He was walking around in them, dressing up, and asking to have his hair and makeup done. Waylon was doing fashion shows, dances, and even reading and telling stories about the fashion in Vogue magazine he found. You could see the happiness and joy in his eyes.

Now at this point, I will admit, I recognized that he was gender non-conforming or gender expansive/creative. This is my specialty in my research and clinical practice. We spoke about it with the pediatrician. And I have the book knowledge! Gender non-conformity usually means that a child will come out as gay, lesbian, queer, or bisexual later in life. It can also mean that they are heterosexual, just creative! And a small percentage reveal that they are trans/ transgender. Since I'm bisexual, and my brother is gay, I figured Waylon would likely be gay or bisexual. I filed that somewhere in my mind, but committed myself and everyone around him to not make assumptions and let him tell us. At least that's what I thought I was doing - listening to him.

But there is something else. Deep down, I was very opposed to the idea that he could be trans. I fully support trans people, I understand the biology, the science, the identity. I wasn't opposed to the identity, but I never wanted that for my child. It was perhaps THE hardest life I had ever witnessed for a person, certainly could be made harder by other other factors too - like having a disability or being a person of color. When a friend asked me when I was pregnant with Wilson what potential issues in a child I felt I could NOT handle - I responded, "I would never want a trans child. I couldn't bear to watch a child go through that life."

Dressing Waylon in the mornings was an ordeal. But putting shoes on to leave for preschool was almost impossible. He screamed, and cried. And because of his speech delay, he couldn't tell me why. I tried all sorts of shoes and to no avail. He hated shoes, or at least I thought. Then we went to my friend Jess' house, where her daughter Taryn had lots of girl shoes. Waylon put on a pair of her shoes by himself and wore them the entire time. When it was time to leave, Waylon cried. Not a tantrum cry, a sad, painful cry. As I tried to coax the shoes off his feet, he took his shoes and threw them and said so clearly, "No! They are ugly!" Again, I got it. He wanted pretty shoes. I took my little one shopping and he picked out pink cowboy boots and purple Peppa Pig Ballet flats. I had to field some questions from kids in his preschool classroom, but they seemed to get it quickly. He liked the color pink and purple. Pink and purple aren't boys' or girls' colors, they are just colors. And I believe that. But, I think I was also convincing myself. In my mind, I kept thinking that he'd likely be gay. 

Aunt Jess then donated princess dresses that her daughter had outgrown. I've never seen a happier Waylon. He danced. He spun, he smiled, he laughed. He was so happy. I was so happy for him. But then he asked to wear his dress to school. A lump formed in my throat. "No, honey, dress up is for home." He kept asking for about a year. Mike and I would look at each other, knowing, fearing, trying our best to be supportive, but not let him get hurt. And that's what we both envisioned. Him being bullied, someone saying something cruel to this sparkly baby.

And that is the best way I can describe Waylon. He sparkles. He loves everyone. He does not care about age, size, race, language, sex or gender. He fearlessly approaches people who look nothing like him. He talks to them. He hugs them. He spreads love to so many people. I've witnessed it so many times. And I'm astounded. I was petrified that someone would take this away from him. I had my own experiences - as a sexual assault survivor, as a person who had been rejected for being bisexual, who had been misunderstood for having a different gender as well - a mixture of feminine and masculine. But, I don't think I could ever remember being so fearless, so open-hearted. He was that in spades. 

Waylon complied with wearing no princess dresses outside the house, but he would wear them nonstop in the house. He would sneak my clothes and dress up in them. He even took my swimsuit once and put it on, along with a pair of my earrings. Eventually, he began to ask to wear ponytails and pigtails to school. He was so adamant about it that he would have his teachers redo them in school after nap. He loved having his hair "pretty".

On his birthday, I took Waylon, for the first time, to pick out his own clothes instead of having his brother's hand-me-downs. Nonni and Papa had given Waylon a gift card for his birthday, so we went out to spend it. Waylon half-heartedly picked out some button down shirts and some tiger shoes. Then he put his hands on his hips and said, "Now...Where are the skirts?" I froze. My mouth dropped open and before I could respond, he turned, saw the "girls" section, and said, "Oh there they are!" With such joy, he bounded over to the toddler girls section and picked out a red sundress. He looked at me and said, "Mommy, can I have this, please?" His eyes looked longing, sad. He showed no interest in the other clothes, but this look was a complete different look - he wanted this so badly it hurt. I responded, "Baby, it's your money. You pick out what you want!" He picked out a whole outfit. As soon as he came home, he stripped and put the clothes on himself. I've never seen such happiness ooze out of this kid. 

That night, I, calmly but fearfully, asked Waylon, "Are you a boy or a girl?" Waylon said, "I'm a boy!" I thought, "phew". But the next day, Waylon said, "Mommy, I'm a boy and a girl." Being two-spirited, I totally got that. "Ok!" I said. He fought us a bit on not wearing the dress to school, but I told him that he was playing at school, so he needed shorts. We bought some neutral types of clothing, bright colors, but could be seen as possibly not feminine. Although, Waylon was always seen as feminine by others. Most of the time people called him a girl in public - not knowing him. Waylon never corrected them. He just smiled.

One day, Waylon asked to wear his underwear that had princesses on it that he had picked out. These were, of course, "girls" underwear. I thought that since they were hidden under his clothes, it would be ok. I was wrong. He came home that day and said, "I can't wear panties to school anymore." My heart immediately dropped. I hated that word (like REALLY hate that word), so that message did not come from us. He wouldn't talk about it, but wore boys underwear, and began to wear boys clothes as well. A few days later, he finally told me what happened. He went to the bathroom, and another child saw his underwear. They said, "You are wearing girls' panties! You are going to get in trouble!" and ran out to tell the whole class and teachers. The teacher stopped the child and said that it was ok what Waylon was wearing, but the damage was done. Waylon cried hysterically and was withdrawn the rest of the week. When I spoke to the teacher about it at school, Waylon looked at me, with a little quivering lip. He started to become sad, tearful, and kept withdrawing at school and at home.

About a week after the event at school, Waylon came to me, so sad. He couldn't look me in the eyes. He said, "Mommy, I'm not a girl and a boy anymore. I'm just a boy." He sobbed. He still couldn't look me in the eyes. I could feel the pain in his heart. "I'm just a boy." I picked his chin up to look me in the eyes. I put my hand on his heart. "Waylon, you be who you are in your heart. Don't let anyone in this world tell you who you are, even your mommy and daddy. Whatever is in your heart - a boy, a girl, or a boy and a girl, we love you. You be who you are. Do you understand?" He stopped crying and hugged me. "I'm a girl and a boy." He said softly. I told him I loved him no matter what he was. 

For the next few months, Waylon dressed masculine at school, but on the weekends, he chose skirts and dresses. He began to hate going to school, and was so happy every weekend. I called a specialist that I knew for a gender assessment. I recognized the signs of discomfort with gender, and thinking it was gender non-conforming felt an assessment would help the school with knowing what they should do. We couldn't keep going with this boy at school, girl on the weekends. It was slowly killing Waylon's spirit and sparkle...and that broke my heart. The only happiness I saw was on the weekends, when he was dressed in a feminine way.

On Wilson's birthday celebration, Waylon wore a dress. I had been very absent from posting pictures on social media, but it was time. I posted our first picture of Waylon, very obviously in a dress, on facebook. It was one of the harder moments of my life. I was coming out for me, for Waylon, and opening ourselves up to people on my network - some of whom post anti-LGBTQ sentiments and others who specifically post things about transgender not being a real experience. This picture said everything to me. There was Waylon - somewhere between a girl and a boy, crossing this bridge on his journey. And there I was, way behind them, trying to catch up.

On my way home from work one night, I got a message from the Doctor who assessed Waylon: Waylon qualified for Gender Dysphoria (the DSM-5 category that describes trans persons). "How did I feel about that?" the doctor asked me. I sat reading the message in my driveway. And I cried. Gender dysphoria. So many emotions at the same time. Did I miss that? Did I not see that? I specialize in it! How could I miss that? Trans? Could Waylon be trans? And then all of those things I tell parents to not consider in their thoughts, came rushing in. Was it me? Was it my genes? Did I do something in my pregnancy? Did my gender (which isn't completely female) influence him in some way? No, I'm sure he'd grow out of it. Or he'd come out as gay. I couldn't say it out loud. If he was trans, I was accepting that he would walk the most difficult path in this life that I could even imagine. How would I tell our parents? How would I tell my friends? I was overwhelmed by a million emotions at once.

Waylon continued to present male, until the Doctor spoke to our school on ways to support a child like Waylon. Waylon's teacher, Ms. Latrice, wrote us this note. 

I cried. I held the letter and then I told Waylon that Ms. Latrice and Ms. Mary said he could wear whatever he wanted to school. He looked at me, excitedly. "I wear skirts," Waylon said decidedly. The next day Mike brought Waylon clothes and Waylon quickly put his hand up. "No, daddy. I wear skirts. Ms. Latrice said I could wear skirts." Mike and I looked at each other. I said, "Ok honey, but we just need to talk first." He started to cry. "I really want to wear a skirt." I said, "Yes, honey you can, but I want to talk to you first." I asked Waylon what he would do if someone said something about his skirt. He said, "I would say...Thank you!" We all laughed. That's a pretty good response! "What if someone tells you that skirts are for girls and you are a boy?" He said, "I will say - Thank you! But skirts are for Waylie." I thought, wow, he's more ready than me. I told him that Ms. Latrice was his safe person. If anyone hurt him or his feelings, to go to Ms. Latrice. He said ok and he happily went to school - for the first time. No arguments, no crying or whining. He was excited, happy. He danced through the house. And he made me play the "dancing skirt song", which of course is Abba's Dancing Queen.

And it didn't end there. His teacher sent me this message. Waylon was finally feeling what it was like to be authentic. I recognized that feeling. When I am authentic, I am at peace, happy, not angry, not defensive. I am. The way that God - or the Universe - intended me to be. 

That night, Waylon said, "I don't want to wear boy clothes ever again." Over the course of the next week, we went shopping, got a new wardrobe, since the only clothes on Waylon's menu are skirts and dresses, apparently. That same week, Waylon came to me. "Mommy, I'm really a girl. Waylon's always a girl." My heart dropped again. "Not a boy and a girl," I said? "No, mama. I'm a girl. I'm daughter. And sister. Girl."

Waylon packed a bag with extra clothes for the preschool (extra clothes for accidents). Way removed all of the boy clothes and put in the girl clothes. Waylon did this independently and wouldn't let go of the bag all morning.

That day is burned in my brain. Because it was the first time I really saw HER. It didn't matter my years of training, my specialties, my degrees. I didn't see HER for over four years. I saw Waylon the way that I categorized "him", and the way society did because of his body parts. Being in the queer community, literally writing the book on it, did not prepare me for the emotions I have experienced. I have guilt. I have fear and anxiety. I have pain. I think the dumbest thoughts: You have high estrogen - did that do it? If I like dressing her now, am I supporting it too much? If I didn't let her wear the princess dresses, would she have felt differently? And then my rational voice comes in: You are not responsible for your hormones, and neither is she. You are happy that she is happy - that is what a good parent does. You dressed her as a boy for most of her life; she found ways to dress up before the princess dresses - she stole heels and wigs and scarves, and made her own outfits. You TRIED to make her conform to being less feminine, and all that got her was sadness, withdrawn behavior, and pain. She loves to go to school, is more affectionate, more communicative, more confident, and most of all, happy.

We have come out to my parents, my friends, some of my students. And I've had my heart raw open the whole time. My father said something that I won't ever forget. He always has that way about him. He said, "Misty, God gave you this child for a reason. All you can do is love and protect Waylon." And that stuck with me for so many reasons. God, or the Universe, however you see it, gave me Waylon. And what is that meaning? I spent my whole life thus far, speaking for those who society deems less valuable. I speak to race issues, affectional orientation, indigenous issues, immigration, gender and gender identity, disability, sensory processing, etc. By giving me this child, God is saying, "You aren't done yet. You will take this more seriously and put your whole heart into this if I give you a trans child." And it's true. I will never stop working for a better world now. My baby's safety and happiness depend on it. 

In the past, I would have easily built up a wall. If you don't like me, get lost! No, forget it, I'll leave you. Buh-Bye! I would have done worse than that - I would have called them ignorant, uneducated, hateful, and stupid. I completely missed that I was returning anger and fear with anger and fear.

But I can't do that here - on this issue with Waylon. You see, I am not there with her 24/7. I cannot protect her from all the negativity and bullying that she will face. Trans children are bullied, abused, neglected, and often attempt to take their own lives. Ninety percent of trans persons from rejecting families attempt to kill themselves at least once in their lives. But, even when they are from accepting households, forty-five percent of all trans people attempt to kill themselves at least once in their life. That means my influence matters, but so does yours. Your attitudes about gender literally can save my child's life - taking the time to question why gender matters so much, what is being challenged by children like Waylon, and why it makes you so angry or afraid, can save my child's life. Please. I am begging you. Do this work. For me, for my baby. Take time. Ask questions. But, please, challenge yourself, as I am doing as well. This baby, this life, is worth that challenge.

So here I am. A pile of emotion. I can't predict the future and what Waylie will feel or how this will change. Mike and I are taking Waylie's lead.  I am open to whatever happens for Waylon. I am open to accepting this difficult path as ours. I am opening my heart to those who have deeply hurt me in the past. I am praying that God will help others see what I see. Waylon is loving. Waylon is smart and sweet and amazing. Waylon is a gift. She is opening my eyes to my own gendered attitudes, the way I have imprisoned myself in categories, the way I have blocked off others with walls. She approaches life with happiness, with abandon, with no care to what others tell her that she "is." She sees herself. She finds joy in herself. She loves herself. She loves others, as they are, as well.

In indigenous societies around the world, when a person like Waylon was recognized by the tribes (called two-spirit now in Native tribes, and different labels around the world), the tribe celebrated. You see, a person like Waylon WAS seen as a gift from the Creator. They carry feminine and masculine spirit within their bodies. They see life from a different perspective. They have deep empathy and compassion for others. They were seen as inherently spiritual. After colonization, we reduced these gifts to "freaks". At a recent conference, I got to hear Dr. Anneliese Singh talk about changing our focus as counselors from "affirmation" to "liberation". And that is something my little Waylon has brought me, and I believe, many people around her. Freedom to be who you are, not what you have been told that you are. So, we will celebrate. We are, in fact, planning a celebration for family and friends, an acknowledgement of the blessing that we have been given. 

We are proud of our two-spirit. We are proud of our beautiful daughter. We are blessed by her presence, and await the adventure that we will share as a family, the path that we will travel, as we wish to leave the world better than when we found it.