Siblings: Love and Hate

I've been woefully behind on my blogs, but a question on how to deal with sibling fighting came up today in one of my FB groups, so I thought I would address it from a personal and developmental research level. 

When you have two children, this is how you imagine they will be there for each other: best friends. They'll love each other, protect each other and be BFFs. Beautiful, wonderful love.

But, just like everything else that has to do with children, it's mostly a myth. Or at least only captures PART of the siblings' complex relationship. It usually looks more like this:

 So, let's start with Awareness of Sibling Issues. Imagine your spouse/partner comes home one day and says, "I've got a big surprise for you! Now, you know I love spending time with you and you've been great. But I think our life will be more full with another wife. It will be great! We can spend time together and you can share all your belongings, and even your room! Won't that be fun?" Now, as tempting as having another full time parent in the house sounds, of course, we would strangle our spouse. But, this is the experience of a child who gets a sibling. They were the center of your world and now...poof. They are not. If you have twins or the siblings were really close in age, they still have to contend with another being around them CONSTANTLY who may be very different in temperament. Think about how many times you get angry at your spouse (probably a lot more after kids...). Think about all the things they do that annoy you. Now imagine you have NO ability to suppress your anger, communicate your anger or even understand those feelings. A child alone willstruggle to communicate, learn social skills, learn to regulate their emotions, and bounce back from negative feelings. Now imagine that times two, with more chances during the day to lose it because you have a built-in annoying sibling who follows you everywhere.

Onto knowledge: Children during the toddler years and preschool are learning some hugely important physical, cognitive and social-emotional things. In terms of social and emotional skills, children can't really understand the whole sharing thing until about 3 years old. Even then, it's tough. It is NORMAL for children aged 1 to 4 to fight, throw tantrums and generally, just piss each other off. That doesn't mean you let it happen, you should always intervene. Every time you intervene, you have a "teachable moment" - a moment where you are moving them in the direction of being better friends and learning social and emotional skills.

Finally, the Skills! Here are a few things that can help!

1. Never, ever, ever, play the "You better or your sibling will..." You better eat that or I'm going to give that to your sister. If you don't put that away, I'm going to give it to your brother. Although this is super effective in getting your child to comply to something, this increases sibling rivalry. It makes their sibling a competitor, not an ally.
2. Do play the "My turn, your turn" game. Play something together and take turns. Instead of grabbing, when they want the object, you say "My turn!" Reinforce and praise when they do this well.
3. Help develop language (if a child has a speech delay, get help right away - this can cause a lot of frustration on their part) and emotion vocabulary. Comment on feelings all the time - how you feel, how characters in books and videos feel - ask questions about feelings. Label the feeling the child has throughout the day. Watch the movie Inside Out. Understanding the emotion is key to regulating emotions. I use a set of dog-themed emotion cards that I made and laminated with Wilson to talk and act out feelings as well.
4. When my son wanted to take something from his brother, I also taught him the replacement game. I would tell him to go get another toy for his brother to see if he wanted something else. If he dropped the original toy, then Wilson could have it. He got incredibly skilled at sibling toy distraction.
5. If Wilson refused to share something, the necessary consequences were that the toy was removed. I would give one warning, "We need to share that or the toy goes bye-bye!" 
6. If one of the sibling hits the other, the best strategy that I have found is to separate them immediately and say a single message, "We do not hit." or "Hands to your own body." Then I would attend to the victim of said hitting - hug them and make sure they were ok. Then I would turn to the child who hit, which was usually a sobbing mess because they know they did wrong and believe you are mad at them. I would then hug that child to help them calm down. And then talk to them. Label the emotion - I know you are angry, but we never hit. Sometimes a calm down kit can be incredibly helpful as well. 
7. Spend time with each child alone. Make sure each child gets plenty of attention - not just the squeaky wheel (the child good at getting attention). Also make sure they get time with other significant others (the other parent, grandparents) alone too. 
8. Rinse and repeat, be consistent, and let time pass.

When Waylon was first born, Wilson was AWFUL. He was a struggle alone, but we worried a lot for Waylon because he got beat up a lot. Wilson struggled a lot with his emotional regulation. We did all of the above steps and did a lot of "divide and conquer" - we each would take one child - Waylon was content playing at home, which fit me. Wilson liked to run errands and get out of the house, which fit Mike. At 3 years for Wilson and 19 months for Waylon, they are now really good with each other. In fact, tonight, Wilson moved Waylon's high chair close to him and said, "He's my best friend, mama!" There's no hitting and pushing anymore, although they do still struggle with sharing. But it never incites aggression at all anymore. So, there is hope - it's just responsiveness, consistency and time!

There are some good books on the topic too:

Siblings Without Rivalry

Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings

Brothers & Finally Friends (A Different Kind of BFF)
Picture Taken By Laura Elyse Photography

Changing Our Narrative: From Difficult to Sensitive

As Wilson has gotten older and we have added one easy-tempered infant to the mix, the impact of Wilson's difficult temperament on all of us have become more and more apparent. We have found a good way of reacting, but it requires endless patience and ultimate consistency and persistence (something so readily available when you get no sleep and have 2 children under 3). Although it would be very easy just to let him run amok, I know that it will invite future behavioral and emotional problems. So, we cannot be permissive. I also do not choose to be punitive or to use corporal punishment; although there have been times despite my Buddha-esque nature, I have just wanted to shake the crap out of him (Is it wrong to say that shaking him sounds like it would feel so good sometimes???). I know given the research, the brief stint of time-out that we did with him and how things have affected Mike (who has the twin temperament - p.s. there really should have been a disclaimer on our marriage license) that punishment only serves to increase his anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed, teaches him that violence is a resolution, reinforces a mistrust of us as parents and increases his inner emotionality. So, we have chosen to be responsive. We continually correct, ask him to perform a behavior in the right way, reinforce, discuss, explain, distract, prevent and respond. It's sort of exhausting; I want a drink just thinking about it.

I have been struggling with not only how to best handle his temperament, but also how to describe it. I have toyed with hot mess, emo, crazytown, shoot me and Oh God, why? But, being a psychologist, I know the power of words. By using the term difficult temperament repeatedly (which I have), I know I am making an impression on myself and Wilson. I feel more and more drained when just thinking about what I have to do when he is "difficult". He is hearing that he is hard to deal with, and while true, he may internalize those messages negatively and lower his self-worth and self-esteem. What I have been struggling with is how to help him on one hand understand that his high needs do not make him a bad person, but on the other realize that he has to be careful with how he impacts himself and others.

Fifteen to twenty percent of all children fall somewhere on the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) continuum. Although many of these individuals are introverts (or slow to warm temperament), a substantial amount are from the high needs/ difficult temperament. These children are capable of taking in more information and processing a substantial amount more than others; they notice more on their environment and reflect more on what they see or feel. As a result, they tend to be very intelligent, empathic, conscientious, creative and careful. They are the advisers, strategists and planners. They keep others safe and healthy. In evolutionary terms, we cannot survive without them. If everyone was easy-going, we would all die out as a species. "Oh, hey! Look at that bear! I think I'll go say hello!" You need those individuals who are anxious, pay attention for danger and can see things clearly to survive. Waylon and I, although intelligent and thoughtful, are not the pause to check kind of people. We are about living life in a nonchalant, sometimes messy, manner. We could not survive without Wilson and Mike. But the reverse is also true; HSPs and Non-HSPs need each other to survive and thrive.

So what is the dark side of being an HSP? Well, it is incredibly easy to get overwhelmed. Because they take in so much through their senses, they cannot multi-task very well, nor can they handle over-stimulation. I remember when Mike and I first lived together and I would greet him at the door to hug him and say hello (honeymoonish behavior - I now grunt at him when he gets home). After a few days, he looked at me and said, "I need a moment! Just give me some space - like 5 minutes when I get home so that I can decompress!! PLEASE!!" "Ok cranky pants - Mums the word!" I said laughing.

It was my first insight into the fact that Mike experienced his world very differently than I did. Physical and social contact calm me, but I don't notice everything that happens. In fact, I am quite skilled at cutting things out of my periphery (like dishes, laundry and anything else that needs to be done). But for my HSP boys,  too much stimulation can lead them to shut down, in which case, you readily see their dark side. They are suddenly stoutly un-empathic, lashing out, angry, irritable, withdrawing and emotional. Not all HSPs are alike; some personalities are more difficult than others. There are multiple types of HSPs and profiles, but let me walk you through Wilson's specific sensitivity profile.

Let me paint the picture of what sensitivity really means for him. Wilson has what is known as physical intensity. He feels more pain than most children and has incredibly sensitive hearing. When Wilson has a diaper rash, his responses are incredibly heightened. He screams and refuses to walk. He cries so loudly that you think that his leg bones seriously must be shattered. Not kidding. It takes about 30 minutes to change his diaper, slowly cleaning, blowing on the area, reassuring him, hugging him, putting on diaper cream (just as slowly) and arranging the diaper so that it does not rub up against the affected area. Conversely, my easy tempered infant who has my temperament and pain threshold, does not even flinch when he has had a rash. Once he had a bleeding rash and he giggled when I cleaned it. Giggled. Wilson's shirt tag once brushed up against his neck the wrong way. We spent the next 40 minutes, off and on, blowing on his neck, rubbing it, scratching it and checking it, AFTER I had removed the tag. This is not an unusual occurrence. He needs this level of help with many things...on a daily basis.

He also experiences emotional intensity. This means that he feels all emotions strongly. He is also very affected by others' moods and feelings. When he is happy, his smile can make you feel pure unfiltered joy. When he feels frustrated, his anger is palpable. He is hostile and it bursts out of him like rays of hate-shine. These are not little tantrums; they are complete breakdowns. You can feel his desperation and sense of being overwhelmed; he is not being manipulative. He is desperate and in despair. You can see that even happiness can be over-stimulating at a point and he can breakdown in the same way.

Wilson also has a somewhat complex presentation in that he has novelty low threshold and novelty seeking. This means that rather than be overwhelmed and shy away from the environment which can challenge his highly sensitive physical and emotional system, he seeks out novelty. He enjoys new things, learning and engaging with others. His is arguably the most difficult presentation. These types are easily bored and yet easily overwhelmed. They have a narrow window of optimal arousal. They can sometimes be seen as quite self-destructive because they desire to do an incredible amount of activity and yet will become overwhelmed by what you wanted to do and shut down. Awesome sauce!

Wilson has a high activity level. He needs constant stimulation and is running from morning until bedtime. He has a high intensity of emotional response. He is our true drama king. Whining, hysterical crying and hysterical laughter are commonplace. He has a medium level of rhythmicity. He thrives best on a schedule and is very predictable with things like when he needs sleep. Other times, though, like with his eating, he is incredibly unpredictable. One day, he will eat everything in the cupboard; the next, he seems to be surviving on milk and oxygen. Wilson also has a low level of adaptability. It is very difficult for him to transition, especially to something over which he feels he has no control. We have to give him 30 minute warnings to transitions, get him physically ready, explain it repeatedly, have him repeat us, offer something desired after the transition and MAYBE he will make the transition smoothly. He is also a social approacher, meaning that he seeks out others and novelty, showing little fear. He has a high level of persistence with low distractibility. Once on a task, he will finish it; likewise if he wants to do something, it is incredibly hard to deter him or distract him from it. He has figured out every kind of childproof  lock, knows how to open all of the gates, operate the telephone, the remotes and our iPhones...whether we were hoping for some of that or not.

So that is the problem profile of my little Wilson. A social, excitable almost-preschooler who seeks out exciting events only to be easily overwhelmed by them, both physically and emotionally. So, what are the remnants of being easily overwhelmed? He notices EVERYTHING. Scratches, tears, a new pimple (thanks for that one), subtle differences in others and in his environment. And if it is something that can't be fixed, it bothers him immensely. When he is overwhelmed, he can become anxious and frightened OR hostile and angry. Anxious means he cries that a leaf outside is a dreaded "fuzzy" or bug. He is scared that he may encounter a bug and might refuse to touch something outside. When he is hostile, he will cry, slap, throw himself with the intensity of a total meltdown. He is typically easily consoled (thank you Birth to Three), but he can get to the place of total meltdown quite quickly. He is particularly reactive to his brother who wants to play with his toys that he has neatly lined up. He struggles with sharing his favorite toys (not uncommon for a preschooler, much less a 2-year-old), but his intense reactivity to having a car taken out of the line he has created is always reminiscent of a hysterical crazed lunatic. 

All of this is why the narrative of his difficult temperament has really resonated for me. As a parent, it means being hypervigilant and preventative. It means explaining everything. It means never sitting down. It means having to consider everything in every situation. It means never being able to relax or turn off. In a few words, it just plain sucks. That is true; and it has been my narrative up to this point. But this blog signifies my willingness to let it go. Because Wilson is many other things than just his sensitivity.



Wilson is creative; he loves to solve problems and puzzles. He loves mastering his environment or figuring things out - he is quite the scientist in many ways. He likes to color and to finger paint and to make things with play-doh or putty. He loves feeling different sensations in a focused way and sharing them with others.



He is intensely social; he wants to talk, to hug, to experience life with others. He loves his mama and daddy, Waylie, Abuela Susi, Abuela Dina, and his 2 Aunt Jess', his Uncle Joe and Aunt Gaby (who I am fairly sure he has a huge crush on). He loves his friend Taryn and his doggies.


He is quite compassionate and caring of his doggie sisters, being very gentle, feeding them and loving them any chance he gets. He loves dressing up, especially his hats and loves how everyone tells him that he is cute.


He loves mental games, like figuring out his letters and numbers, something he had done all on his own. He loves singing and dancing. He is incredibly skilled physically. He learns things, particularly physical things, quickly and with little illustration.


He has a great sense of humor and makes jokes very often (although at his age they are limited to farting, burping and falling - or wait, is that just a male thing?).



He is very interested in my spirituality, reminding me that Buddha tells us to take a breath, playing with my grounding rocks or lighting candles. He is friendly, sweet and enigmatic. His ability to take a photo is way more photogenic than the rest of our family. And he is full of love.

His hugs and kisses are very much the highlights of my days. And he is also sensitive. Sensitive to physical stimuli which is why he is probably so physically skilled.

He is emotionally sensitive, which is why he is so affectionate and caring of the dogs and why he loves our affection and hugs. He is active and intense, which will make him a great leader. Someone always willing to go the extra mile and figure out problems to better others. And despite how tired I get, I am proud to be his mama.

Mommyfessions Part II: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly and The Taboo

So, my mother and I were having a conversation the other day. She said to me, "Oh Good - you get to stay home today because of the snow cancellation! That's nice!" Feeling authentic, I said, "No it's not! It's not nice!!" After having the flu (103 fever for 2 days), sharing tasks with my very sick husband, taking care of a sick 2 year old and a sick 7 month old, all the while working and pumping through it, we got our childcare provider sick AND we were snowed in. I never wanted to go to work so badly in my life. It made me think about what mothers REALLY think and how they really feel. I'm about to keep it 100 here, so be forewarned. These are some of my most taboo mommyfessions.

I would rather sleep than anything else in this world. Seriously. Chocolate, sex, winning the lottery, getting an award. Meeting a hero. Nothing appeals me to but sleep. I made the awesome decision to get pregnant when Wilson had just turned a year old, so if you calculate the last few months of pregnancy with Wilson where I wasn't sleeping well, it's been about 2 years and 8 months since I had a good night's sleep. It's been over 8 months since I slept more than 4 hours of sleep at a time. I pay childcare providers so that I can sleep. On the VERY rare day that Waylon does sleep for more than 4 hours and even when I could get sleep, I either here phantom crying or my overproduction of breastmilk wakes me up so that I go pump.  Sometimes, I daydream about going to bed and just sleeping for a year. THAT is my dirtiest fantasy now: sleeping alone.

My favorite activity is going to a restaurant to work. By Myself. Over sabbatical, I started doing this and found that it was so amazing. In my twenties, I would have hated going out to eat by myself. Now, it's beautiful. Like an amazing overseas vacation. No one talks to me or asks me for anything. I get waited on. I can go to the bathroom whenever I would like. I can work or check my email without a child lunging for my computer and sending an email that says, "Hi! Just chekcingowhgoiawehgoaehroihrgnhorhgoeiahgoihx98f." It's happened. 

Pumping breastmilk has become my "me time". That's so sad, but true. I exclusively pump and provide milk for both my 2 year old and my 8 month old. It's free, super healthy and very luckily, plentiful. But it's work. So when I pump, I watch Netflix, check Facebook, try to half sleep, read, do something for myself while the little whirring motor rhythmically sucks out my energy. I feel that's fair. If the kids are with me while I pump, they can quietly sit by me, but the minute they start crawling on me or pulling at the tubes (a favorite of Waylon's), I'm screaming for Mike to come get them. Because if I'm going to feed the family, I should get 20 minutes to sort of relax. I pump so much that since Waylon has been born, I have watched all of the seasons of Sons of Anarchy, Medium, Roswell, Crossing Jordan, Law & Order SVU, The Glades, The United States of Tara, Orange is the New Black, Girls, Fringe, The L Word, and am currently finishing Criminal Minds. Thinking of going for Breaking Bad next. That's just so sad.

My Faculty Picture
Note the happiness.

I LOVE going to work. Like love it. I can go to the bathroom when I like, am not screamed at, get to feel productive, eat when I would like, sit at my desk being cerebral, write thoughtful and intelligent work and feel successful. I'm home with the kids for most of the week. Let's recap last Tuesday with the boys for an example. I wake up, pump, put bottles away, get breakfast for Wilson (as he screams CEREAL, CEREAL!!! at me), while simultaneously ensuring Waylon isn't falling down the heating register (one of his new pastimes) or trying to hold Waylon at the same time (because once he gets tired, he follows me around pulling on my pant leg and loudly communicating his annoyance for not picking him up). Then I try to get Wilson to play with something quietly while I put Waylon down for his morning nap. He has a great paint with water activity, but if I leave the table, he pours food in the paint water. If I sit at the table, Waylon won't sleep, but will grab at the paint bowl to try to eat it. To which Wilson will either yell "NO WAYLIE!!" or try to slap at him, while I'm wrestling the baby away from the table. So I give him his alphabet apps on his iPhone. He plays those, but it has to be at the highest volume, so Waylon can't sleep then either. I try to get him playing with his trucks, but then Wilson crashes them against walls, together, my foot. Then he runs around manically with his shopping cart, screeching at the top of his voice, falling over, running into cupboards and giggling loudly. Waylon is exhausted, but won't go to sleep, so I am rocking him and he's drinking his bottle while pulling my hair, grasping at my lips or trying to pinch my nose. Sometimes Wilson wants me to hold him WHILE I'm trying to get Waylon to sleep, so I get to try to hold two boys on my lap, while trying to strategically keep them from striking distance from each other. And by the way, it's only 8 a.m. 

Mike babywearing Waylon
while carrying Wilson on
his shoulders while letting
me get some sleep.
Seriously, a superhero.

I am a neglectful wife. My husband is super man. He goes to work, takes care of bills, is a true co-parent and helps out with the kids whenever needed, gets up early if I need a break from overnight baby duty, is loving and helps out around the house continually. But between pumping over 60 ounces of milk a day, working 3 jobs, corralling a 2 year old, caring for an 8 month old, cosleeping for 8 months with a baby, getting minimal sleep for 2+ years, working hard with consistent intervention strategies to make Wilson an empathic, happy and self-regulated boy, cleaning up after the Wilwind and his tendency to tear his play room apart, taking care of dogs, tending to students' needs, preparing for presentations, writing my book and other publications, checking email, preparing for committees, along with the other 200 things that I am responsible for, I have NOTHING left. I have got an exhausted hug, a kiss and a "how was your day?" while I peer out from the luggage under my eyes and try to stay focused for the answer. I've started getting weekly childcare for my husband and I to have dates or time together because I know that it takes more than a passing hug to keep a marriage whole. And I love him very much. And he can never leave because I would die as a single mother. 

My hero is my childcare provider. Seriously, when she comes in three days a week, I breathe a huge sigh of relief. I can either get sleep, go to work or you know, pee or get a glass of water for myself. Taking care of two active boys is intense and I thank the universe (and her) everyday that I have someone to watch the kids. She loves the kids, they love her, she keeps them busy and SOMEHOW always finds time to do my dishes. Screw Batman. This woman is seriously amazing.

 
The little moments with the kids make it almost worth it. The little smiles, hugs, watching them do something amazing, hearing Wilson say something sweet, putting puzzles together, watching them grow, getting a sweet kiss, seeing that you are their world makes you momentarily feel great about being a parent. Then they smack you in the face and the moment is over. 

I wouldn't have it any other way. Here's the absolute crazy thing. I wouldn't. I love parenting a highly sensitive, high maintenance and demanding Wilson. He teaches me everyday something new and has made me a better counselor/psychologist educator and counselor myself. I understand him and his father in a way that I didn't anticipate after learning about his temperament and his sensitivity to incoming data/information. I love having a baby and seeing how much Waylon is like me. I love sleeping with him at night and the little cuddles he gives me while softly touching my face. I love when Wilson does something sweet like brush my hair or kiss Waylie on the head. I love my teaching, my students, my research, my work at Yale, my committee work, my writing, my publications and presentations, and my counseling work. I miss the kids when I am not with them, but feel so good that I am contributing to my students' lives and all the lives of their clients. I love my husband more and more each day -- and am thankful that he is just as tired as I am, so he doesn't blame me for not putting enough effort into our marriage. He sees my gratitude for him, my giving him self-care time, my love -- and for now, that is enough. I would like more sleep, but I wouldn't want anyone else getting up to comfort my infant sons during the night. Those memories of cuddles, of soft kisses, of cosleeping while holding onto one another will stay with me forever. The boys have made me a better, more thoughtful and mature person in ways I didn't even know could exist. I may be completely and utterly exhausted, but I am a whole person: a mother, a teacher, a researcher, a counselor, spiritual, complete and fulfilled. And I'm betting grown children and retirement will also be pretty fulfilling... at least I'll get more sleep.