Changing Our Narrative: From Difficult to Sensitive

As Wilson has gotten older and we have added one easy-tempered infant to the mix, the impact of Wilson's difficult temperament on all of us have become more and more apparent. We have found a good way of reacting, but it requires endless patience and ultimate consistency and persistence (something so readily available when you get no sleep and have 2 children under 3). Although it would be very easy just to let him run amok, I know that it will invite future behavioral and emotional problems. So, we cannot be permissive. I also do not choose to be punitive or to use corporal punishment; although there have been times despite my Buddha-esque nature, I have just wanted to shake the crap out of him (Is it wrong to say that shaking him sounds like it would feel so good sometimes???). I know given the research, the brief stint of time-out that we did with him and how things have affected Mike (who has the twin temperament - p.s. there really should have been a disclaimer on our marriage license) that punishment only serves to increase his anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed, teaches him that violence is a resolution, reinforces a mistrust of us as parents and increases his inner emotionality. So, we have chosen to be responsive. We continually correct, ask him to perform a behavior in the right way, reinforce, discuss, explain, distract, prevent and respond. It's sort of exhausting; I want a drink just thinking about it.

I have been struggling with not only how to best handle his temperament, but also how to describe it. I have toyed with hot mess, emo, crazytown, shoot me and Oh God, why? But, being a psychologist, I know the power of words. By using the term difficult temperament repeatedly (which I have), I know I am making an impression on myself and Wilson. I feel more and more drained when just thinking about what I have to do when he is "difficult". He is hearing that he is hard to deal with, and while true, he may internalize those messages negatively and lower his self-worth and self-esteem. What I have been struggling with is how to help him on one hand understand that his high needs do not make him a bad person, but on the other realize that he has to be careful with how he impacts himself and others.

Fifteen to twenty percent of all children fall somewhere on the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) continuum. Although many of these individuals are introverts (or slow to warm temperament), a substantial amount are from the high needs/ difficult temperament. These children are capable of taking in more information and processing a substantial amount more than others; they notice more on their environment and reflect more on what they see or feel. As a result, they tend to be very intelligent, empathic, conscientious, creative and careful. They are the advisers, strategists and planners. They keep others safe and healthy. In evolutionary terms, we cannot survive without them. If everyone was easy-going, we would all die out as a species. "Oh, hey! Look at that bear! I think I'll go say hello!" You need those individuals who are anxious, pay attention for danger and can see things clearly to survive. Waylon and I, although intelligent and thoughtful, are not the pause to check kind of people. We are about living life in a nonchalant, sometimes messy, manner. We could not survive without Wilson and Mike. But the reverse is also true; HSPs and Non-HSPs need each other to survive and thrive.

So what is the dark side of being an HSP? Well, it is incredibly easy to get overwhelmed. Because they take in so much through their senses, they cannot multi-task very well, nor can they handle over-stimulation. I remember when Mike and I first lived together and I would greet him at the door to hug him and say hello (honeymoonish behavior - I now grunt at him when he gets home). After a few days, he looked at me and said, "I need a moment! Just give me some space - like 5 minutes when I get home so that I can decompress!! PLEASE!!" "Ok cranky pants - Mums the word!" I said laughing.

It was my first insight into the fact that Mike experienced his world very differently than I did. Physical and social contact calm me, but I don't notice everything that happens. In fact, I am quite skilled at cutting things out of my periphery (like dishes, laundry and anything else that needs to be done). But for my HSP boys,  too much stimulation can lead them to shut down, in which case, you readily see their dark side. They are suddenly stoutly un-empathic, lashing out, angry, irritable, withdrawing and emotional. Not all HSPs are alike; some personalities are more difficult than others. There are multiple types of HSPs and profiles, but let me walk you through Wilson's specific sensitivity profile.

Let me paint the picture of what sensitivity really means for him. Wilson has what is known as physical intensity. He feels more pain than most children and has incredibly sensitive hearing. When Wilson has a diaper rash, his responses are incredibly heightened. He screams and refuses to walk. He cries so loudly that you think that his leg bones seriously must be shattered. Not kidding. It takes about 30 minutes to change his diaper, slowly cleaning, blowing on the area, reassuring him, hugging him, putting on diaper cream (just as slowly) and arranging the diaper so that it does not rub up against the affected area. Conversely, my easy tempered infant who has my temperament and pain threshold, does not even flinch when he has had a rash. Once he had a bleeding rash and he giggled when I cleaned it. Giggled. Wilson's shirt tag once brushed up against his neck the wrong way. We spent the next 40 minutes, off and on, blowing on his neck, rubbing it, scratching it and checking it, AFTER I had removed the tag. This is not an unusual occurrence. He needs this level of help with many things...on a daily basis.

He also experiences emotional intensity. This means that he feels all emotions strongly. He is also very affected by others' moods and feelings. When he is happy, his smile can make you feel pure unfiltered joy. When he feels frustrated, his anger is palpable. He is hostile and it bursts out of him like rays of hate-shine. These are not little tantrums; they are complete breakdowns. You can feel his desperation and sense of being overwhelmed; he is not being manipulative. He is desperate and in despair. You can see that even happiness can be over-stimulating at a point and he can breakdown in the same way.

Wilson also has a somewhat complex presentation in that he has novelty low threshold and novelty seeking. This means that rather than be overwhelmed and shy away from the environment which can challenge his highly sensitive physical and emotional system, he seeks out novelty. He enjoys new things, learning and engaging with others. His is arguably the most difficult presentation. These types are easily bored and yet easily overwhelmed. They have a narrow window of optimal arousal. They can sometimes be seen as quite self-destructive because they desire to do an incredible amount of activity and yet will become overwhelmed by what you wanted to do and shut down. Awesome sauce!

Wilson has a high activity level. He needs constant stimulation and is running from morning until bedtime. He has a high intensity of emotional response. He is our true drama king. Whining, hysterical crying and hysterical laughter are commonplace. He has a medium level of rhythmicity. He thrives best on a schedule and is very predictable with things like when he needs sleep. Other times, though, like with his eating, he is incredibly unpredictable. One day, he will eat everything in the cupboard; the next, he seems to be surviving on milk and oxygen. Wilson also has a low level of adaptability. It is very difficult for him to transition, especially to something over which he feels he has no control. We have to give him 30 minute warnings to transitions, get him physically ready, explain it repeatedly, have him repeat us, offer something desired after the transition and MAYBE he will make the transition smoothly. He is also a social approacher, meaning that he seeks out others and novelty, showing little fear. He has a high level of persistence with low distractibility. Once on a task, he will finish it; likewise if he wants to do something, it is incredibly hard to deter him or distract him from it. He has figured out every kind of childproof  lock, knows how to open all of the gates, operate the telephone, the remotes and our iPhones...whether we were hoping for some of that or not.

So that is the problem profile of my little Wilson. A social, excitable almost-preschooler who seeks out exciting events only to be easily overwhelmed by them, both physically and emotionally. So, what are the remnants of being easily overwhelmed? He notices EVERYTHING. Scratches, tears, a new pimple (thanks for that one), subtle differences in others and in his environment. And if it is something that can't be fixed, it bothers him immensely. When he is overwhelmed, he can become anxious and frightened OR hostile and angry. Anxious means he cries that a leaf outside is a dreaded "fuzzy" or bug. He is scared that he may encounter a bug and might refuse to touch something outside. When he is hostile, he will cry, slap, throw himself with the intensity of a total meltdown. He is typically easily consoled (thank you Birth to Three), but he can get to the place of total meltdown quite quickly. He is particularly reactive to his brother who wants to play with his toys that he has neatly lined up. He struggles with sharing his favorite toys (not uncommon for a preschooler, much less a 2-year-old), but his intense reactivity to having a car taken out of the line he has created is always reminiscent of a hysterical crazed lunatic. 

All of this is why the narrative of his difficult temperament has really resonated for me. As a parent, it means being hypervigilant and preventative. It means explaining everything. It means never sitting down. It means having to consider everything in every situation. It means never being able to relax or turn off. In a few words, it just plain sucks. That is true; and it has been my narrative up to this point. But this blog signifies my willingness to let it go. Because Wilson is many other things than just his sensitivity.



Wilson is creative; he loves to solve problems and puzzles. He loves mastering his environment or figuring things out - he is quite the scientist in many ways. He likes to color and to finger paint and to make things with play-doh or putty. He loves feeling different sensations in a focused way and sharing them with others.



He is intensely social; he wants to talk, to hug, to experience life with others. He loves his mama and daddy, Waylie, Abuela Susi, Abuela Dina, and his 2 Aunt Jess', his Uncle Joe and Aunt Gaby (who I am fairly sure he has a huge crush on). He loves his friend Taryn and his doggies.


He is quite compassionate and caring of his doggie sisters, being very gentle, feeding them and loving them any chance he gets. He loves dressing up, especially his hats and loves how everyone tells him that he is cute.


He loves mental games, like figuring out his letters and numbers, something he had done all on his own. He loves singing and dancing. He is incredibly skilled physically. He learns things, particularly physical things, quickly and with little illustration.


He has a great sense of humor and makes jokes very often (although at his age they are limited to farting, burping and falling - or wait, is that just a male thing?).



He is very interested in my spirituality, reminding me that Buddha tells us to take a breath, playing with my grounding rocks or lighting candles. He is friendly, sweet and enigmatic. His ability to take a photo is way more photogenic than the rest of our family. And he is full of love.

His hugs and kisses are very much the highlights of my days. And he is also sensitive. Sensitive to physical stimuli which is why he is probably so physically skilled.

He is emotionally sensitive, which is why he is so affectionate and caring of the dogs and why he loves our affection and hugs. He is active and intense, which will make him a great leader. Someone always willing to go the extra mile and figure out problems to better others. And despite how tired I get, I am proud to be his mama.