What Pregnancy Has Taught Me...

I remember once telling students that there is no logical reason to every have children; and it's true. It's not an easy job, sometimes it's thankless and exhausting and to procreate really only has emotional and evolutionary purposes. But, what I didn't realize, in my pre-pregnant self, was the spirituality, meaning and life change that having a child can bring to you. I have been so forever changed by this process; and I haven't even had him yet! 

So, I was reflecting earlier today on what I have learned thus far from my pregnancy, since it has been so life-changing. Here is a summary of things my pregnancy has taught me thus far:

• Let go of control. You can't control the things you can't control! You need to figure out which are things you can control and focus on those.
• Let go of fear. Although fear is a useful adaptive survival strategy when we are faced with fight or flight situations, it has no business in our every day lives; it crushes our productivity and can paralyze us with an emotion we can do nothing about. What happens will happen and I've learned that you need to deal with it with a calm head and an understanding of what control you do have, which is typically only in your reaction. 
• Listen to your body. Your body has incredible built in systems for alerting you when you are hungry, tired, in pain and ill. The problem is that most of us have turned off listening to our body in order to work harder, better and faster (I know there's a Daft Punk reference in there somewhere). Turning it back on has really been so helpful to not only reconnecting with my body, but to living healthier and happier.
• Appreciate your body. With years of struggling with weight loss and weight gain, as well as just being a female in our culture, I had neglected to really appreciate my body for the miraculous things that it can do. Pregnancy has given me a new outlook on that - my body is literally creating and sustaining life. It created a whole new organ out of nowhere (placenta) to feed my baby and bring him oxygen. My organs shifted to provide room for this new little being. Everything worked in harmony to create a new person. That is amazing and I will always love my body for being able to do this.
• Move slower. I was always in such a big hurry. Now it takes me 10 minutes to roll over. If I try to get up too quickly, my round ligaments (who knew we even had those?!?) remind me quickly to sit back down and try again a little slower. Moving slower helps me stay in the moment more, to really think consciously about what I want to do and is relatively, a more relaxed state of being!
• Breathe it out. I learned to use breathing and relaxation to let things go. Not just pain, which has also been useful. But frustration, fear and other emotional distress. Wilson also seems to like when I do deep breathing - he always seems to interact when I focus on bringing in the positive and letting go of the negative.
• Do what you can when you can. During my pregnancy, I decided to take the time, when I had it, to organize everything in my house, nest and fully decorate Wilson's nursery, start a blog, start a new business (as an Independent Certified Instructor with Baby Signs),  finish my teaching duties until next January, finish my service duties until the end of August, publish 4 more papers, have 6 others in press and 4 more in review, and to educate myself on pregnancy and childbirth. I didn't do this out of wanting to be perfect or even wanting to be an over-achiever. I just realized how precious time was and wanted to take advantage of any down time and making the most out of the time I do have. I think this will come in handy when I have a newborn when I won't have any time!
• Do something active which you enjoy. I love swimming; I feel blissful in water and especially loved the weightless feeling swimming when I am pregnant. I did swimming and yoga during my pregnancy and both helped me keep my weight down and feel happy every time I did them.
• Give yourself a break. I learned to take time to just do nothing: sit down, take a bath, put my feet up, watch television or take a nap. Recharging my batteries has become something that has made me feel so much better.
• Ask for help.  I have learned to self-advocate and to rely on my partner for assistance; and to not feel bad about it, something that took time for me to learn.
• Stay positive. Probably the most important lesson I have learned is to take everything that life and the universe throws at you and stay positive about it. I have Braxton-Hicks contractions all day long now, coupled with crampy more-real contractions. I could look at those as a horrible way to end a pregnancy. But instead I look at them as a way to practice my breathing and visualizations, learn how my body is getting me ready for birth, appreciate it and help my partner understand what I may need of him during the real birth performance. Being positive has helped me approach everything in a new light and minimize body pains and problems during my pregnancy.

 So, in my previous lecture on the irrationality of having children, I was wrong. I now see the reasons to have children and mine isn't even out yet; I see now that to give life is to experience the world with different eyes and to learn life lessons that you may never have learned any other way. And for that, I am thankful.

My Blessingway

I just had my birth blessing or blessingway with several of my close friends in preparation for birth. It was a way to pay homage to my Native American background and beliefs and connect with women surrounding motherhood and being a woman. It was so spiritual, so meaningful and brought me even closer to being ready for little Wilson to arrive.

Here is what was sent to all the women in their invitations:

Pregnancy is a powerful time in a woman’s life that deserves great respect. A birth blessing is inspired by the ancient wisdom of women throughout the world who, from the beginning of time, have created ceremonies and rituals to express their love and support for expectant mothers. A blessingway is a traditional Native American gathering that focuses on preparing the mother emotionally and spiritually for childbirth and motherhood, rather than supporting her materially for the baby to come. A Blessingway marks a woman’s rite of passage into motherhood and is a ceremony of empowerment for the mother during the birthing process.

Please bring:

• yourself!
• a story of a female ancestor/family member that embodies female strength
• a special unique bead that will be added to a necklace for Misty to wear while in labor
• a blessing, wish, poem, song or quote for Misty during childbirth or motherhood that is written on the enclosed blank card
• a story about a lesson learned being a mother or daughter
• any kind of dish for dinner

This was the ceremony that I designed to be a balance between the traditional Navajo ceremony and a modern one that was more my style... and didn't involve traditional elements like people giving me a foot bath, which would freak me out, frankly. I chose to focus on the support aspect, the story-telling (which is one of my favorite things about Native American culture) and the bead ceremony.

Blessingway

Just as a tree grows best when anchored firmly in the earth, so can a pregnant mother feel strong and capable when supported by a sisterhood of nurturing friends." -April Lussier

Starts with introduction and explanation of what a blessingway is:

The Mother's Blessing  Ceremony, also known as The Blessingway  or Blessing Way Ceremony originates from the Navajo people.  It is a very positive ritual, affirming that a woman will have a natural and beautiful birth experience.  The ceremony marks a woman's rite of passage.  It is a ceremony of empowerment near the time of birthing.  Within a circle of friends in a quiet, gentle, spiritual ceremony, those attending will celebrate sisterhood, welcome a new baby to earth and honor mother, birth, life and rebirth.   

The second part of a blessingway is to ask each member to introduce themselves and how they know the mother-to-be.  Everyone also shares a lesson they have learned as a mother/daughter.

The third part is a smudge ceremony where the mother-to-be lights sage and everyone reflects on an ancestor, living or passed, that they identify as being a powerful maternal figure that embodies what it means to be a woman or a mother.

The fourth part is the bead blessing ceremony.

The creation of a birth beads necklace is a way to honor the process of the mother to be and hold sacred the birthing experience. The mother-to-be wears this necklace or bracelet while in labor to draw upon the strength of her sisters. Each person describes the bead and why they picked the bead for the mother-to-be. Then they read their blessing card, where they wrote a quote or words of encouragement for the mother, and thread that on the separate ribbon as well.

The fifth part is to eat, drink and be merry!!

The final part is to send everyone home with their gift bags.

I had a friend give me sunflowers in a can for everyone since she could not be there in person; they were her prayer that little Wilson will have a sunny disposition like me. I also gave everyone turquoise earrings, an important stone for Natives; it symbolizes the culture, spirituality, wisdom and protection. I made a medicine bag for everyone, which contained crystals with different purposes - mostly positive energy, friendship and strength. A little card of remembrance and thank you to each person for coming to the blessingway and being in my life. And then finally, a labor candle that reads: Welcome Little One. Strong arms will hold you, caring hands will tend you, Love awaits you at every step. These are lit when the mother-to-be goes into labor. So when I go into labor, I will text everyone that attended to let them know (yay for modern combined with traditional!). At that time, everyone lights her candle for strength for me and to welcome baby Wilson into the world.

The whole ceremony was really beautiful. I loved connecting with women that have meant so much to me, to hear their words of advice and to celebrate being a woman and becoming a mother. The words of encouragement, the strength and humility that women are capable of is so encouraging to experience before taking this final journey towards becoming a mother. At the beginning of my pregnancy I was so petrified of giving birth, but this blessingway symbolized my final step towards becoming a mother. Now close to the end of that journey and ready to start a new one (actually being a mother!!), I look forward to labor, childbirth and that moment of meeting Wilson with anticipation, excitement and joy. 

Our Letter to Baby Wilson

Dear Baby Wilson,

It's been a long time since your mommy and daddy first thought about having you until now. We have had so much time to think about what you would look like - whether you would have dark hair like mommy or good eyesight like daddy. We wondered what you would be like - will you like computers and gaming like us? Will you be funny and sweet? Will you be athletic like daddy or an academic like mommy?

In all of our preparation and planning and wondering, one thing has always been true. Our biggest wish for you is to be who you are. No matter what you look like or what you like to do or who you will become, we want you to be kind and empathic to others and to make this world a better place because you are in it. We will do our best to help you navigate this crazy, wonderful and sometimes scary world. We will teach you how to be strong and resilient and how to find happiness and peace no matter where you are. We will teach you how to stand up for what is right, to fight for your rights and the rights of others. We will do our best to provide for your every need, but will teach you how to be self-sufficient and independent as well.

We will show you through our actions that love, integrity and respect are the most important things in life. We will do our best to model what a good partnership looks like and will always try to be good parents. I know we will make mistakes and sometimes we will make the wrong choices. But we promise to always love you, to explain the world and our choices to you, apologize if we have made a mistake and do our best to make it right.

We are so excited about meeting you and helping you become the person you are meant to be. We are excited about how you will change our lives and make us better people as we help to guide you on your path. For now, be healthy and safe inside mommy's belly until you are ready to join us and meet your friends and family, your canine and feline siblings and your new house and bedroom. For now, we will keep preparing, planning and hoping for a good birth-day for you.

Love,
Mommy & Daddy

p.s. if you like to sleep a lot, that is also fully acceptable.

Hypnobirthing

So several people have asked me about my experience with taking hypnobirthing classes and what I thought of them. I've heard really interesting things from different people, both good and bad, so I think that hypnobirthing, just like everything else with your pregnancy and birth, is part of a personal journey and not for everyone. But, I'll throw my two cents in and tell you my opinion and my experience.

First, let me be clear at the onset; the hypnobirthing classes changed Mike's and my life. I loved the method, it resonated with me at my core being and felt intuitive and meaningful from the onset. So even though I am going to be as descriptive as possible regarding why I think the method is amazing, please know that I am biased.

When I found our pediatrician, which I did very early on in my pregnancy (this was a theme for me - I knew I could plan for and control very few things, so those were the things I targeted to do when I was early in my pregnancy), I found a link to Hypnobirthing of CT on her resources page. I was curious, so I checked it out. I read how the technique taught you to be relaxed and in control of your emotions throughout your birth and that appealed to me, since I was looking for a new way to view the birth experience. Then I happened upon the videos. I will never forget watching the first video and watching the woman, who they swore was in labor, look like she was resting peacefully. She wasn't screaming, crying or making any vocalizations at all. She looked like she was sleeping during parts of it! The only vocalization, a soft moaning, that she made came when the baby's head and body was actually emerging. I stared at the screen in disbelief. Then I started crying. I didn't know (and still don't) if that was the kind of birth that I could have, but this woman (along with the other videos and numerous women I spoke to or heard about later) did. This kind of birth was within the realm of possibility, which I had not believed before that moment. I started researching the method and then informed my husband that I didn't care how much it cost (it's actually quite reasonable), we were doing these classes. Mike looked slightly frightened by my resolve and simply said, "K."

I contacted Cynthia Overgard, the owner of Hypnobirthing of CT, and immediately found her to be professional, empathic and so personable. I signed up for the classes and actually drove down to Westport to pick up the materials early so I could read the book and start practicing before the class. I read the book in a weekend. There were parts of the book that resonated highly with me and others that did not so much. But I knew for sure that this was going to be a great class. For years I had practiced meditation, guided visualizations, relaxation and yoga. Being a shaman, I could go into an altered state of relaxation pretty quickly so I felt like if anyone could get something out of this class, I could.

And I was not wrong. Our first class, we focused mostly on building a positive expectancy of birth. In fact, Cynthia asked us all what our vision of birth was. It was strange because I couldn't see my vision of birth; Being a skeptical researcher, I wasn't prepared to say relaxing because that might not be a reality for me. So when it was my turn, I said, "I want it to be a spiritual and meaningful experience." I had no idea what that looked like, but it was true. That is what I wanted. The first class focused a lot on positive psychology, understanding all those cultural influences that make us see birth in a negative manner and learning plenty of information on the power of the mind, as well as childbirth education. Both my husband and I found Cynthia to be amazing; she was able to not only give us the knowledge of the method, but she supplemented the syllabus with her personal experiences that made the 3 hour classes fly by and captivated us so intensely. After the class, Mike was actually excited to go back and looking forward to it as much as I was. Throughout the four sessions, we learned about special birth circumstances, our responsibilities in preparing for a natural birth (practicing relaxation, eating healthy, exercise and good posture, to name a few), as well as the research on our current medical practices in the U.S. and what our rights are in terms of refusal and consent. We watched some amazing video clips and documentaries that left such an imprint on both of us that we felt a deeper connection to our son already. We learned the breathing and relaxation methods and Cynthia led us through some amazing guided relaxations.

One class experience will always stand out to me as one of the turning points, not only in my pregnancy, but in my life. The relaxation started normally enough with getting relaxed, with connecting to a place in nature, then delving into your subconscious. Once there we were directed to sit in a chair and start looking through a book of our life. The pages captured both positive and negative images of events throughout our life histories. I immediately started to breathe more rapidly, became tense and tears began streaming down my face. My history of sexual assault, of illness, of miscarriage, of giving my power over to others and more recently, of being bullied and sexually harassed at work were the ones that popped out to me immediately. In my conscious, I had dealt with each of these things: I had years of therapy and my PTSD had been gone for years, I was healthier than I ever had been before, I found meaning in my miscarriage, I had found my voice again and I had turned in the people who attempted to abuse me at my workplace, supported by the 4 other women who experienced the same thing. I THOUGHT I was at peace with all of these things. But in my subconscious, they were still there. After I ripped those pages out and let them go in my subconscious, she had us stand on a stage in front of all the people who had ever taken our power away or who we had given my power away to and it suddenly hit me why I had the reaction to seeing those events. Externally, I had let these go. In my conscious life, I no longer felt the impact of these events. But internally and sub-consciously, these still made me doubt myself. I had my power ripped away during moments of my life and I had given it away because I thought I needed people's affection and affirmation. But when Cynthia instructed us to tell those people that we were taking the power back and that we would make the best decisions about our own bodies and lives, I could feel my fears about birth, about our crunchy granola decisions, people's unsolicited or solicited advice that went against our intuition and all of my doubts melt away. Wilson chose me as his mother and Mike for his father for a reason; these experiences were all for a reason. And I would never again give up my power over my own body or decisions about my baby because of guilt, shame or fear.

So beyond that completely life-changing experience, here is what I took away from this method:

• You cannot control your birth journey, but you can prevent some problems and certainly control how you react.
• Staying relaxed and calm means you will experience less pain, shorter labors and a better birth experience, both physiologically and emotionally.
• Who you have with you and your environment will impact your ability to stay calm. The moment that someone disrespects you or you feel in danger in any way, your labor will stop progressing as the body's adaptive process takes over. You are telling your body you are not safe, so it is slowing down or stopping your labor until you are safe again. Thinking about how most women give birth, in a non-supportive environment, with fear, with disrespect and humiliation and in the worst position to boot, I can easily see why we in the U.S. describe our birth experiences as more painful and difficult than women in other countries who do not have the same experiences.
• Birth does not necessarily have to be perceived as a ridiculously painful experience that you just have to suffer through; it can be a meaningful and transformational experience.
• You can approach your pregnancy and birth with an educated competence, confidence and calmness and believe in your body's abilities.
• If something unplanned does happen, as it likely will in all areas of life, you can handle it with calmness and still feeling empowered.
• For years women have been giving their power away or it has been taken from them in many ways, when in reality, we are in charge of our own lives and never have to take abuse or disrespect from anyone.
• I now had a vision of what a spiritual birth looked like. One of the documentary clips, The Birth We Know, showed these experiences from women giving birth in Russia. It resonated with me so much; the way the women moved, closed their eyes and smiled, gave themselves completely over to their labor and their body was beautiful. That was the vision I had all along.
• We will be good parents. On the last day of class, as Mike and I were driving home, I asked Mike what he learned from the classes. He turned to me and said, "She made me excited about having a baby." People who know Mike know how significant this was; he had worried for years about whether or not he would be a good father and if having a child was something he should even do. At the onset of Mike's and my discussions of birth with our doula, she asked us what we were most anxious about. I said "the birth" and Mike said "what happens after the birth." In this class, the knowledge provided and Cynthia, had transformed both of our fears into excitement. Something we will never forget or for which we will cease to be thankful.

 Some people go into this class thinking they are learning how to have birth without pain and I don't think that is what it really is about. Some women experience extreme pain; some do not. We all pray we are those that do not, but the reality is that birth is a difficult and profound experience, emotionally, physically and spiritually. At minimum, you are feeling these huge changes going on in your body, conquering the negative thoughts and fears you have in your mind, hoping to accentuate the positive thoughts and alleviate any stress and responding to your environment in ways you maybe never have before. Some describe the experience as just intense, not painful, but either way, birth is a personal experience and journey. I completely believe that no one can tell you what your birth will be like, so for me, I wanted to be prepared for anything. I wanted to be able to be calm and not fight my body. I wanted this to be a healing experience for me, Mike and the best experience possible for little Wilson. As I get closer to birth, I know there are lots of possibilities and lots of things that can go right or wrong with our birth experience. But I also know that I did my best. I ate well and exercised; I made Wilson my priority by educating myself, taking it easy from work, changing my life in significant ways and attending to my marriage and my relationship with Mike. I meditate every day, I practice yoga, I have prepared and nested, I read, I relax and I enjoy every moment of my life. I have done everything I can; the rest is in the universe's hands. But whatever my birth journey has in store for me, I know Mike and I will handle it and be stronger for it.

A Few Favorite Poems

There are two poems that really stood out to me in this journey. They are both existential in nature and helped me place my struggle to get pregnant in perspective.

Linda from Mother's Embrace Yoga shared this poem with me that she shared with her fertility yoga class and with prenatal yoga class on Mother's Day - it makes me cry every time!

Baby's Choice

by a Mother

Did you ever think, dear Mother,
As the seeds of me you sowed,

As you breathed new life inside of me
And slowly watched me grow,
In all your dreams about me
When you planned me out so well,
When you couldn't wait to have me there
Inside your heart to dwell,

Did you ever think that maybe,
I was planning for you, too,
And choosing for my very own
A mother just like you?
A mother who smelled sweet and who
had hands so creamy white,
A tender, loving creature
Who would soothe me in the night?

Did you ever think in all those days
While you were coming due,
That as you planned a life for me
I sought a life with you?
And now as I lay in your arms,
I wonder if you knew
While you were busy making me,
I was choosing you!

This one really helps you find meaning in a struggle to become pregnant. Also from Linda from Mother's Embrace Yoga. Can you tell I love her??

"Thoughts on Becoming A Mother"

by Anonymous

There are women that become mothers without effort,

without thought, without patience or loss

and though they are good mothers and love their children,

I know that I will be the best possible mother for my child. 

I will be better not because of genetics or money or that I have read more books

but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation

are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my little child.

I will take time to watch their sleep, explore and discover

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of her cry knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed her

and not waking to a cry of broken dream, for my DREAM will be crying for me.

I consider myself lucky in this sense:

that God has given me insight, this special vision

with which I will look upon her unlike any one else.

I will NOT be careless of my LOVE

I have been trialed by fire and hell that others may have faced

yet given time, and 9 months, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

When I see other hurt around me

I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort

I see it, mourn it and join in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better

I can make it less lonely.

I have learned that immense power of another hand holding tight to mine.

Of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth

and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate my life.

....YES! I will be a WONDERFUL Mother...

Choosing a Provider: My Story

I started out this journey with my OB/GYN that I have had for several years. She was amazing as a gynecologist and I really liked everyone in the practice. I assumed I would feel the same about them as OBs. I was wrong, but I didn't know that at first. I had a conversation with my OB at the first appointment. I asked about their C-Section rate and philosophy as a proxy to get through to whether or not they had a focus on natural birth. She told me that they weren't sure of their C-Section rate (a big red flag, which I didn't know at the time), but they only did C-Sections when they were medically indicated. They recognized that this is major surgery and took it seriously. I felt good about this response and conveyed my wish for a natural birth, which was met with warmth and support from my OB.

After months of research, I wrote our first draft of my birth preferences with my doula's support. I took a list of questions to the OB, when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant, to ensure that I would be supported. I could tell my doula was attempting to prepare me for the possibility that the this OB may not perfectly support my wishes, but I was CONVINCED that given our previous relationship and how woman-focused this practice was as GYNs that there would be no problem. I couldn't have been more wrong.

My first question to her was regarding their policies on inductions (which you may remember from my last post put you at risk for all sorts of things, including a c-section). Her response was that "We always induce at 41 weeks and our threshold for you would probably be earlier because you are overweight."

Being of Cherokee philosophy, I have two modes that coexist when I am communicating to someone who I am beginning to not like: the first is what I would love to say to them, but I only do so in my head and the second is my filtered, respectful response. As I have told my students about Native culture, your responses to others' treatment of you says more about you and what you are capable of, rather than what the original person deserves from you. So here is what happened.

In my head: "Wow, thanks. So, I'm chunky which clearly means my body is defective. Nice."
Out loud: "Hmmm. Ok, so I understand that being overweight puts me in a higher risk category for certain things in pregnancy, but since I have had a completely uncomplicated pregnancy with no health problems, what would be the medical rationale for inducing me, at what I am assuming you are recommending is more like 40 weeks."

OB/GYN: "Well, you have to understand that the goal, nationally, is no longer to have a vaginal birth. It is to have a healthy mom and healthy baby and we will always err on the side of caution with inductions and c-sections."

In my head: "What did you just say to me?!?"
Out loud: ....stunned silence.

OB/GYN: "Well you need to remember that it's not like it was in our grandparents' generation where they would have 9 children and only 4 of them would survive. If you have 2 pregnancies, we want you to have 2 children."

In my head: "Oh, do you? That's comforting. Wow, are you trying to sell me a 50% mortality rate right now? You so don't know who you are talking to..."
Out loud: "Well, ok, that is one way to look at it."

Next question: "Since we are looking for a hypnobirthing - gentle, relaxed birth, how do you feel about me taking different positions during labor?"

OB/GYN: "We will support you no matter what. But I do want you to be prepared for anything. I know when you first get pregnant, you go online and read websites and it just gets overwhelming. But we, as OB/GYNs, know best and you just need to keep an open mind."

In my head: "I hate you so much right now. Not only are you being condascending 'go online and read websites', you are totally prepping me for medical intervention even though you can't have an open mind about natural birth. You clearly forgot that I have a doctorate, am intelligent, am a researcher/professor and have a choice to drop your ass like a hot potato."
Out loud: "Ok, well that answers my questions - thank you!"

I drove home crying. Not just because I was 7 1/2 months pregnant and needed to find a new provider. Not just because I was soooo wrong about how supportive my provider would be to me and my baby. And not just because she was really condescending and clearly didn't know me at all. It was mostly because I realized that I, along with women everywhere, were being treated like idiots and that our bodies were clearly flawed with the one thing we were born to do. This was more heart-wrenching to me than anything else.

So I contacted my doula IMMEDIATELY, wrote a shocked email to Yoga Linda to get emotional support and prepared for a new road on my journey. With my doula's support and referrals, here is what I learned in researching a new provider:

OB/GYN: Many have entered this field to be surgeons. At minimum, they see things through a clearly medical intervention lens. Your chances of a medical intervention are very high if you start out with an OB. There are many really great OBs, so don't take this as a "all OBs suck" statement. Just know that you are dealing with a medical professional who is going to see everything as a potential problem with a medical intervention to treat it. By the way, I also found out that it is absolutely normal for an OB/GYN to go through their entire medical training and NEVER see a natural birth. This blew my mind.

Med-wives: There are midwives that function very similarly to OBs, but have lower intervention rates. Med-wives are nicknamed this because their approach is also very similar to OBs.

True Mid-wives: These are individuals who are committed to giving the best care possible, while keeping medical intervention at a minimum. They listen to you, keep you informed of choices, are very well-trained in giving physical, emotional and medical support through the whole process. They typically stay with you throughout your labor at your setting (which can include birthing centers or hospitals) and only bring in OBs if it is indicated.

At-home Midwives: If you are at a low-risk, these midwives will give you prenatal care, get you set up at home for labor and delivery, help you deliver at home and prepare and help with a hospital transfer if necessary. Midwives carry a significant amount of medical knowledge and medical interventions, so it is not nearly as risky as the culture leads us to believe. In fact, this is how many other countries (with lower infant and mother mortality rates) have their babies AND statistics show that home births are actually safer than hospital births.

Given that this was my first birth, I chose to go with a midwife practice that had a great reputation, Women's Health Associates, had a 6% unplanned c-section rate (RIDICULOUS - since the national average is well over 30% now and I found out later my old OB/GYN's rate was over 40%) and had the same philosophy that I had. They also used the hospital so that if anything did go wrong, the OBs at Yale can step in and help.

Here is how my birth preferences review went with the midwives:

I handed her my birth preferences.

She read each one carefully and out loud.
Midwife: "Great! About 90% of this we do actually naturally! We will never induce you prior to 42 weeks unless you had a major medical condition and we have exhausted all other natural attempts, we want you to labor at home with our support over the phone, we do all paperwork prior to the hospital as a policy, you can wear whatever you want and we'll keep the lights low and your music on, we will most likely get you the tub room because you are a great candidate for it, you can be in any position you want, we do not routinely do continual monitoring - you will go where you want and we will follow you, we never do early cord clamping, we are very committed to attachment and breastfeeding, and we will always consult with you prior to doing ANY kind of medical intervention and give you all the options."

Me: "In terms of the IV, am I allowed to drink fluids?"

Midwife: "Let's change that language. You are the person in charge - there is no "allowing" - You do not have to consent to anything that you don't want. Even if we had to give an injection of something, we are more likely going to do a Hep Lock with your permission so that you can still move around and be comfortable."

"The only other thing I see on here is that we routinely do a pitocin shot as the baby is coming out...[explained why and their medical rationale]. But you can decline this if you would like - you are not alone - many mothers do choose to waive it and that is fine, so do some research on it and let us know and we will respect those wishes."

In my head: I love you.
Out loud: I love you.

My lesson learned: Choose a provider you trust, who has the same philosophy as you (no matter what it is) and who makes you feel safe. The day after meeting my midwives for the first time, I slept 12 hours. I finally felt comfortable and safe and knew if there was a chance that I could have a natural birth experience, these ladies would do whatever they could to make it happen safely and comfortably.

Q&A on Pets and Babies!

Question:

Hey Dr. G! Hope your feeling good. Thank you for all the awesome info on Facebook! I was just wondering how you were planning on introducing your dogs to Wilson? I've done a lot of internet research on this because my dog (who was a rescue) has some mild aggression issues with other dogs and he's never really been around a baby. I'm really worried and thought I'd see what you had planned.

-Nicole

Answer:

Yes I definitely have input! I found that this is really tough because before your baby, your pets are your babies and just like older siblings, there is the potential that they can become resentful and target the baby for aggression.

There is a class at Yale New Haven which deals with pets and babies in particular, but here is what I've learned on my own so far:

1) find a CD or mp3 files that have baby sounds on them and play them in the house to get your pets aquainted and relaxed with the sound of babies,

2) start to give the dog boundaries now - for example, if they are not going to be allowed to sleep with you when the baby gets there, start doing it now, rather than later once the baby is already here - it can build resentment on the part of the dog and the baby will be the prime target.

3) bring a doll into the house at first and hold it like a baby - see how the dog reacts. Treat the doll just like you would a baby - you can allow the dog to smell the baby, but don't put the doll on the floor unsupervised to see what the dog will do. He might think you are giving him a new toy and the fact that it looks like a baby would not set a good precedent.

4) if that goes well, bring a friend's baby over - don't trust the dog too much until you really see there is no aggression on the part of the dog. Still remember to stay calm because the dog can pick up on your energy. If you feel nervous then the dog will pick up on that and try to identify why - and you don't want him to identify the baby as that reason!

5) Once you have the baby, have a friend or whoever is watching the dog bring home a blanket that the baby had on - one that smells like the baby. This will help them get aquainted with the smell and recognize it again when you get home.

Don't worry too much - the vast majority of dogs do not have issues with babies and children and actually love them. We have 3 dogs and 2 cats and they love babies so much - the hardest thing we have to deal with is stopping them from licking our friend's baby.

And finally - don't forget about your dog when the new baby comes - make sure, just like an older sibling, you give them a role and continue to show them love and affection. They don't understand what is changing and need your support to understand they are still loved.

Hope this helps!

-M